Recovered from Benzo Withdrawal

~ “Where you put your mind and time becomes the exclamation point of your life.”

 

Dear Benzo Buddies,

 

For months it has been on my mind to write a success story. I have been waiting largely because of being so busy, and also because I wanted to be able to put more distance between my recovery and my success story so that I could provide greater perspective.

 

I began withdrawing from 5 mg of Valium in June of 2015. I had no idea at the time that you couldn't stop cold turkey. I was taking 5 mg of Valium about 4-5 nights a week for a few years for sleeping difficulties and was oblivious to what lay ahead of me. When my doctor suggested a different sleep medicine, I was more than willing to do what she suggested. I asked if I could stop the Valium cold turkey and she said it was fine. Within a few days I had the crazy effects that we all know too well. I thought I was having a stroke and an ambulance came to pick me up from a shopping center after I called the doctor's nurse to ask if the new medicine could have side effects that make your left side numb and for everything to look crooked. She told me to immediately call 911, and so embarrassingly I did. Within a minute of being in the ambulance they told me that I was not having a stroke. At the hospital they ran every test imaginable and nothing showed up.

 

After a week of getting worse and worse and experiencing horrific skin burning and feeling completely insane, it occurred to me to google the term "Valium Withdrawal". That's when I discovered to my horror what I was experiencing and what lay ahead of me. I immediately went to the urgent care doctor at my doctor's practice and told them what was happening. He put me back on 5 mg of Valium and told me that in a month or two of stabilizing, I could then begin withdrawing by a .25 mg every two weeks. After about three weeks of feeling better I started the withdrawing process. By the time I got to 3 mg, I realized that I was going much too fast (the Ashton Manual is also too fast in my opinion). I was having tremendous fear and lots of leg twitching. And I had never experienced fear like that before.

 

So I looked on the Internet for more advice and that's when I found Benzo Buddies. A BB forum leader (SG57) helped me with a tapering schedule which was much more appropriate. I used liquid Valium and reduced by .025 ml/mg every day. In 16 months I was completely off of the Valium and feeling pretty good. I had not expected protracted withdrawal symptoms since I had felt pretty good the previous three to four months of tapering.

 

About two weeks after finishing my withdrawal, I had a very stressful situation with a family member and then the stress of Christmas sparked a benzo fire. For the next 16 months I experienced various levels of protracted withdrawal. None of the symptoms were ever as severe as during the early stages of the initial withdrawal, but lots of insomnia, panic, headaches, leg twitching, irritability and tinnitus. I exercised a lot, ate healthy and tried various supplements. During all of this I was praying and seeking God. I had been very spiritual and felt close to God prior to the withdrawal experience, and when you are going through a mental challenge like benzos, it can make it very difficult to feel close to God. I learned that when we are in a state of fear (versus a state of peace and love) it's very difficult to connect to God. Perhaps this is because God connects with us through love, gratitude, peace, etc.

 

About four months after finishing my withdrawal and that initial protracted withdrawal experience, I started feeling better and we decided to put our home on the market so that we could build a new one four hours away. I did great through that experience and was fine until the dust had settled with the home sale and we were in an apartment while the house was being built. The adapting to an apartment with lots of noise and bright light first thing in the morning was difficult and probably extended my benzo symptoms. I was feeling quite miserable after another stressful Christmas (I notice that I have lots of anxiety around making Christmas special for others), and decided to take a week vacation to visit my parents. The week away was a turning point since I was able to take a break from the noise and brightness of our apartment, and have some solitude away from dogs and family members depending on me.

 

When I returned back home, I became immersed in our construction project and within a couple of weeks I felt "normal" and healed of Benzos. It showed me the power of distraction. Previously I had not had a lot of distraction to keep my mind occupied and I was completely focused on "healing". I read everything I could to get better and took all kinds of supplements, juiced, exercised, etc. -- anything to get better. It turned out that the healer was giving my concerns to God and going forward with something that would take my mind off of myself -- and that was a home building project.

 

It's been about four months since I could say that I had recovered from benzos. I notice that I sleep about 6-7 hours a night if my mind is at peace. If I am anxious about something it could be none, 2 or 4 hours. I am a perfectionist (don't mean to be but I lean that way) and so if things in life aren't just so, I can start worrying, which then impacts sleeping.

 

Here is what I learned through this experience:

 

* Take your taper as slow as you need to where you aren't needlessly suffering. I often went too fast because of being impatient.

 

* Don't talk about benzo withdrawal with others -- the more I talked about it the worse my symptoms were. I really think that our bodies take cues from what we think and say. Anytime I talked about it I had terrible symptoms within hours. If I didn't talk about it things would settle down. I believe we have a very powerful subconscious mind that directs our health. This is why getting involved with something bigger than me helped a lot. I think this is why the Bible tells us to focus on what is good, lovely, etc.

 

* Most doctors are completely clueless about benzos (and reckless when it comes to experimenting with other drugs), so you will need to do your own research and make your own decisions.

 

* Try to not take other medicines for sleep. I found that they just complicated things and made me feel horrible in the morning. I often took Benadryl for sleep and it made me feel worse the next day even though I may have slept a few hours. The days when I slept 0 and didn't take a Benadryl I felt better the next day.

 

* You can survive with little or no sleep. It's not pleasant but it's not going to kill you. The more you worry about sleep, the less you will get. Try to not think about it and look at nighttime as a time to close your eyes and think about all that you're grateful for -- not always easy. If nothing else, you will rest your body and eyes even if you don't sleep. Eventually you will sleep, but know that you will be okay without it and your body is adaptable. The more I talked about insomnia the less I would sleep. It clearly is a mind over matter thing.

 

* Try to minimize stress. I got off social media, stopped attending adrenaline-rushing evening town hall meetings, etc.,  and this made a difference. The home project was very stressful and often added to my symptoms, and in some ways the distraction of it also helped. But the less stress I had the better I felt.

 

* Exercise and eat well but forget the supplements. Many supplements had terrible effects and in my mind are just not worth the risk. My husband swears that his daily smoothies of frozen spinach, berries and pumpkin seeds help him. I think it's because he thinks they do, but it can't hurt to eat something healthy.

 

* Give yourself something to accomplish or learn during the process. I ended up immersing myself in home design and construction, but it could be something else like gardening, researching and documenting a topic unrelated to benzos and health, pilates, yoga, hiking. Or if you can't be active, to make it a goal to watch and blog about the best movies, the best books, the best tea, etc. I found that living a purpose-filled life that involves sharing your interest with others contributes to healing and well-being. When I was't very mobile, I made it a goal to learn about tea, find my favorite, and share it with others. I stopped drinking coffee for awhile and so I became a tea enthusiast for awhile.

 

* Avoid alcohol and sweets. I have a glass of wine here and there, but it really isn't helpful and probably makes things worse.

 

* Try to do one thing a day to make your home life more comfortable: organize a drawer, dust a room, put 10 things away, make your bed, etc. It may be something very small, but even just one small accomplishment can make you feel better.

 

* Avoid staying in bed if you're able to move. I often would feel terrible and would end up being in bed all day. The more I was in bed the worse I felt. When I would eventually get up I felt better very shortly. My husband is also withdrawing from benzos, and his worse days are on the weekends because he is not forced to get going with his day. So if you are mobile, get up and about. If you are in a wheelchair, go into a different room besides your bedroom.

 

* Distraction is your best friend -- I went to antique stores to look around, walked, went to movies, binged watched on Netflix, etc. Anything you can do to not think about benzos will help.

 

I hope that all of you know that it is very possible to recover from benzos and that you will overcome this ordeal. I often wondered if I would ever recover and be able to live a normal life. I would say that spending considerable time on BB was often not helpful since it could fill me with anxiety. So take the positive from the success stories, but try to move on with life as much as possible. The more you give this problem your time and attention the bigger it can be. Where you put your mind and time is what becomes the exclamation point in your life. My hope is that you will put your mind and time on creating beauty, joy, love, laughter, and comfort for yourself and others.

 

Blessings to you,

Grace

 

Outstanding!  I'm so happy for you! 

Glad to hear you're off benzos Grace and thanks for sharing your experience. It has taken me over a year to get to the dose of Valium I'm currently on. I'm having a bad day along with constant Tinnitus. Your post gives me hope that things will get better.

Wonderful success story and very encouraging.

Thank you for sharing.  Almost to the finish line, just have days that make me think that withdrawal will never end.  The success stories tell me that "yes" one day I will be completely healed, also.  Congratulations! 

Grace,

Congratulations on making it through...I'm on a similar path, haven't written a success story yet but very hopeful. True that it sometimes feels that God has almost deserted us during the worse times of withdrawal, but when we get through we find he was there all along.

SG57 also helped me immensely with my taper.....I wish him well.

Prayers to you Grace! You are living again!!!

 

B strong

Well done and great advice.  great inspirational read  Thanks 

Thank you.

Grace, thank you for a beautifully written, inspirational story! So much of what you wrote resonates with me... Struggling in a wave right now, but I'm bookmarking your advice and reminders.

 

I really think that our bodies take cues from what we think and say. [...] I believe we have a very powerful subconscious mind that directs our health.

[...]

 

My hope is that you will put your mind and time on creating beauty, joy, love, laughter, and comfort for yourself and others.

 

Many thanks, and blessings for a beautiful future.

Not sleeping triggered my wave. Started getting stabbing abdominal pains, then it spiral to micro-seizures, DP/DR, confusion and another trip to the psych ward.

Thanks for posting Grace and congratulations!!

Two questions:

 

You mentioned protracted withdrawal. That is usually when symptoms persist for 18 months post jump. I couldn’t figure out from your timeline if you had symptoms that far out or when you said the initial 4 months you meant acute withdrawal then the symptoms tapered off?

 

You mentioned having an easy 3-4 months before the jump. Then post jump the symptoms hit?

 

I’m at .014 klonopin which is about .3 Valium. The symptoms have cleared up a lot and I’m hoping i won’t go into an acute phase post jump. Just curious about your experience.

 

Thanks!

Hi WonderWoman23,

 

I had finished my taper in October 2016 and then through the stressful events of the holidays my symptoms came back. I had a difficult time off/on for about 16 months after that. I attribute much of my symptoms to me focusing too much on recovery versus just getting out and living life. I have found that the more I think about sleep and insomnia the less I will sleep. The less I think about sleep the better I sleep. So my advice is try not to think about the symptoms and your recovery. I try to go on as if I never went through this. If I seem to forget about it so does my body.

 

I hope that helps!

Grace

 

Hi WonderWoman23,

 

I had finished my taper in October 2016 and then through the stressful events of the holidays my symptoms came back. I had a difficult time off/on for about 16 months after that. I attribute much of my symptoms to me focusing too much on recovery versus just getting out and living life. I have found that the more I think about sleep and insomnia the less I will sleep. The less I think about sleep the better I sleep. So my advice is try not to think about the symptoms and your recovery. I try to go on as if I never went through this. If I seem to forget about it so does my body.

 

I hope that helps!

Grace

 

Omg this is so me right now.  Did this eventually go away? Did you do anything to help it go away?  Was it just slowly iver time? 16 months?  Wow that seems like such a long time.  Was it like a very very low grade depression/anxiety that just hung on that you couldn't quite shake but didn't bug you unless you thought about it?

I keep saying I just want to go back to living like normal without thinking about things all day. I just can't seem to feel "normal" again...just live life and not overthink everything.  I'm so worried it's permanent and I will never feel normal again. Reading your post gives me hope. Even if it takes another year, as long as one day I DO go back to normal.