Feeling like a zombie, horrible emptiness!

I can’t fight this horrible “dead inside” feeling. I guess it’s a form of depression, but unlike regular depression (which I’ve had pre-benzos), I’m not sad exactly, I feel nothing, there’s nothing I want to do, I can’t feel uplifted or excited about anything really, I’m an empty shell. I’m so detached from everyone and everything around me, I just don’t care, although I really want to care but I just don’t feel it. I’m being healthy, going on walks, meditating regularly, but I can’t find my way out of this slump. I’m almost a year off and haven’t seen much improvement at all on this front.

Oh yes, that's an excellent description and precisely how it is. I find that if I tell someone I'm supposed to care about that I simply cannot care at the moment - they don't understand and take a bit of offense to it and I feel lousy. Or that since I cannot carry a train of thought any further than a fish or function enough to carry out the simplest task - I'm failing to 'hold my end up'. Of all the emotions that do not filter through, guilt have to be the one that does. That's not a good place to be in either - when the judgement gates open and look at the 'meaning' behind the emptiness - so it then becomes disillusionment. Doesn't help either to be unable to remember how I might have felt otherwise or even who I am. Who would have thought going through the healing process of the brain would reap so much havoc?!

Sorry you're dealing with that. Me too. And I've only just switched from Ativan to Valium. I just feel bleh. I was in a major depressive episode prior to this and it's nothing like that. Just so bleh. Forcing myself to do everything and take care of myself but I feel numb for sure.

I feel this way exactly, I used to be up at 5am, working by 630, never crabby just motivated and full of life and energy. Now.... nothing, a shell of a human. I used to coach baseball, go on hikes, loved watching movies. Now... I sit lurking on BB not working, trying to work up the energy to get up to brush my teeth. Empty, flat, no future, dread tomorrow as soon as I wake up. Over and over and over again 91 times and counting.

Yes 07459, that’s a very good description of my life. Sadly I’m a few days away from being a year off. I guess there have been subtle improvements, but it’s hard to judge because it’s so up and down, but this empty feeling has persisted and is mostly always there. I have no motivation to do anything, I just don’t care about anything. I used to be energetic and full of life, I desperately miss that person

Dear Sunshine and Buddies,

 

What you describe sounds like emotional blunting or apathy and it is very common in withdrawal. I have been going through the same thing, it was already bad on "meds" but it got worse when I jumped. And now over a year out, I still can't see any improvement in that area. I feel neither alive nor dead, just a horrible state between the two.

 

Recovery is such a long process... whether we have gone through some baseline improvement, whether we go through waves and windows... counting months and getting into the second year... it takes a lot of stamina. I've gone through "can't do this much longer" phases, then more coping day in day out... we find the strength to carry on. Deep down, we know we are healing, and there is no doubt about it, we want to live again! So we fight on 

 

Whether we feel 5% or 1% better or not... there might also be "improvement" in the ways we have come up to cope through the mental torture. Even if I don't feel any better, even if things aren't any easier... I look back on the last year and see someone who is faking it much better  Who is doing much more than while on "meds", and more than during the first months when I'd go to my Mum's every day for company.

 

So hang in there. Keep trying, someday you might surprise yourself and "enjoy" something you haven't even thought of doing in months. You might not wake up one morning realising you want to read Dickens again, but you may slowly regain the ability to enjoy some light fiction again - just try. If it doesn't work this time, it might next month... or even next week. Don't give up. The "depression", like everything else, is a symptom. It taints our perception of reality, but remember, this is not reality! Not even "our reality". It is a withdrawal-illusion. The world is beautiful, magical. And our healing takes us towards being able to experience the world with all its magic again. It is happening every day... it may be slow, but it is inevitable. So hang in there and keep trying things!

 

Hugs  :smitten:

Julz xx