Author Topic: Needing Certainty  (Read 1164 times)

[Buddie]

Needing Certainty
« on: May 26, 2010, 06:20:09 am »
A ton of my anxiety is due to me needing to feel secure and certain about things in life.  life is NOT automatically secure or safe or definite.  It changes all the time.  I wonder how to live more for the current time and stop worrying about things that could happen and stop worrying every time somethign DOES happen.

It took me months to get somewhat used to moving into an apartment because I had gone so many years with my parents.  I'm still having ups and downs.

This is one of those anxiety/depression combos.  I am depressed at times and feel like just giving up and sitting here doing nothing.  So far I am able to keep getting up doing things though.  But anyway everything seems to go wrong at once. Bugs constantly in the apartment and spraying hasn't totally got them yet.  I spent a lot of time making a third party app for forum software and then the forum software company makes something official and better in most ways before I'm even done making mine.  I've taken forever deciding on what shoes to keep.  My expensive fantasy baseball players are sucking.  A lot of little things add up!  Especially when I program and then it seems less in demand due to others coming up with similar ideas!

Most of all I feel loss of security.  Nobody to help me or someone end up murdering me or something.  And also worry about family dying.  I've written tons of pages trying to change my thoughts, but it never totally works once thigns build up like this.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Needing Certainty
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2010, 05:52:09 pm »
[...] -   :therethere:

This sounds like the kind of thing that would respond well to talk therapy.  I certainly go through periods of similar kinds of thinking/obsessive worrying but not to the extent you describe.  Much of it could be the result of depression since we tend to see the gloomy side of everything and think worst case scenario when depressed.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Needing Certainty
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2010, 06:05:20 pm »
I like this method of coping with anxiety:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Anxiety-Commitment/dp/1572244992/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274897046&sr=8-3

and your issue made me think of a Helen Keller quote that I absolutely love:

Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men 
as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright 
exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. Helen Keller

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Needing Certainty
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2010, 10:00:47 pm »
hi [...],

i think a lot of your thinking has to do with tapering and benzo w/ds.  i have had many of the same fears and i never had this issue prior to benzos.  it makes it really hard to enjoy life at all. 

i stay away from as much negatively/conflict as possible while i'm in this healing process.  you made a good point, once it gets to a certain level, it's impossible to deal with...so, do what you can so that it doesn't get to a certain level. 

if learned that having a very fragile CNS causes my anxiety/fears/worries to skyrocket almost out of nowhere...i have had to learn to carefully monitor my thoughts/surrounding to protect myself.  it is also important to challenge your fears, too.  for example, one of my fears right now is being around a lot of people.  today i volunteered to help kids with their school play.  all kinds of thoughts went through my head (one of them being that i'll get sick from one of the kids...contamination phobia).  so i took rational precautions...washed my hands afterward.  avoiding going to help the kids would only have made me feel more insecure.  facing your fears in a controlled setting for a controlled amount of time builds confidence.

also, i have a huge fear of being alone right now.  last night, i made myself sleep in my house by myself again.  i've realized that God is always with me and i can always call out to Him.  please keep us updated on your progress...i wish you healing.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Needing Certainty
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2010, 10:10:46 pm »
It's ironic that what got me into benzo's was my fear of being out of control.  Couldn't sleep therefore my life was out of control.  Now after several meds and 10 months, I am just beginning to realize that I don't want to be in control.  All I do is screw things up.  That doesn't mean that I'm not scared that my brain is drunk all the time as well as my eyes, I can't work or drive or take care of my daughter.  But every day that God has carried me through this (and He has because there is no way in the world I should still be on the planet) I realize that He's the security I've never had.  When I overextend myself because I want to take back control of my life, it ends up biting me.  So hard to let go, but that's where I am right now.  When I told a friend that I feel like i've gotten nowhere in 9 months, she said "you're not 'nowhere'--you're just 'now here'" and that's where He has me today.  You can fight and fight and make yourself sicker or you can relinquish control that doesn't exist anyway.  I used to be terrified to say that, but now it's liberating.  Love the Helen Keller quote before my post--my favorite quote of hers is:  SO MUCH HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME, I HAVE NO TIME TO PONDER OVER THAT WHICH HAS BEEN DENIED.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Needing Certainty
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2010, 11:22:02 am »
Thanks for the responses.  I wish i could get myself thinking of the good things more than any lack of various things and worrying about life in general.

Lately I've been MUCH better though.  Just seems like a lot of little things have gone wrong.  But I feel pretty happy.  Wish I had more friends and was dating, but I feel like there's less i need to work on about myself than say a month or two ago.

It's not due to tapering, by the way.  I haven't begun tapering. Also I did this to almost the same extent before ever trying a benzo, I think.  I'm possibly tapering at the end of the month, but unsure.  The doctor thinks I should stay on it until I get a job.  I told him I feared trying to WUIT one while on a job, but apparently he thinks I won't ever makemyself get a job if I'm not on it.  I've never had a job and am still fearing it quite a bit.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.