19 months off and getting worse!

Trigger warning ⚠️

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

I’m just so close to giving up I don’t know how much longer I can do this 😥? I am now officially 19 months off and I’m getting worse so much worse! The last few weeks whether this is a severe Benzo wave or the Zoloft or some crazy combination of the two I am literally back in the same level of hell I was in 19 months ago and I don’t even know how that is possible?

 

The excruciating physical pain burning numbness tightness pins and needles buzzing and crackling in my head is just as bad and severe as it was when I was still on the Xanex right before I went into the hospital and with this wave the emotional symptoms have increased dramatically the DP/DR confusion memory issues the horrible evil dark depression and intrusive thoughts feeling as if I’m crawling out of my own skin can’t think clearly at all feeling like I’m completely losing my mind and gonna have a psychotic breakdown and just going over the edge! Back in that state of panic and fear scared to be alone but scared to be around anyone else because of what’s happening to my mind literally all the same severe symptoms that put me in the hospital and I don’t even know how that’s possible to be back in this level of hell after 19 months?

 

Woke up this morning just from the time I opened my eyes in complete state of panic and disoriented between the physical symptoms in my head and the severe emotional symptoms back to pacing around and smoking a lot because of this agony but so bad and so severe I’m physically sick and have to come lay down but no distraction is really working can’t even watch a movie because it’s so bad just crawling out of my own skin and screaming and crying and just back in a level of hell that after 19 months is really bringing to my breaking point!

 

I just tried to take a shower and shave but the akathisia is so bad and the DP/DR and the thoughts I don’t even know how I made it through it and by the time I was done my head was burning and on fire feeling like it was gonna explode and so bad excruciating nausea and like I was gonna pass out and when the physical symptoms get this bad the emotional symptoms go to a whole new level!

 

This is crazy how can it still be this bad after 19 months even with the Zoloft I don’t understand literally holding onto my bed for dear life and it’s so severe my flight or flight has kicked in big time and I’ve even been on the verge of having panic attacks again it’s to that level!

 

I know some say that it’s not uncommon to get hit like this between 16-18 months off and some take till the 2 year mark to start turning a corner but this is crazy! And hard to believe getting hit like this with constant symptoms for 19 months and no real windows that it will be any better between now and 24 months off and I till have the Zoloft to deal with at some point and I’ve never been able to even tell what it was doing from the beginning because I was in the same level of hell when they put me on it!

 

I’ve gained so much weight the amount of damage not just to my mind but my body and I can’t quit smoking because of how severe these symptoms are I’m just really losing hope and today marks 19 months off and I’m just getting so much worse and I know a lot of it’s still Benzo because these were the same symptoms since the beginning but I’m sure the Zoloft it’s causing it’s own problems and I feel like I’m right back where I started 19 months ago!

I feel so terrible when I read desperate posts from someone needing an immediate connection and there is none. I wish I could reach out a hand when it seems that is what is really needed.  I do not post very much but I search for commonalities when I have a particularly bad spell and I had a doozy last night.  I, too, am at 19 months off and questioning why I seem to be getting walloped.

 

I happen to have a cardiac condition characterized by arrhythmias which is scary enough but I also have the vivid memories of my son's 4 open-heart surgeries and the inherent complications so any glitch in my heart really freaks me out. My heart rhythm was crazy last night and the best I could figure was a heart rate of 188. It started to subside after about 90 minutes.

 

Of course, it could just be my cardiac condition but I believe it was benzo related because of other symptoms I had prior to the episode. I tend to get a terrible burning sensation on the backside of my eyeballs and it started a couple of hours before I went to bed. I was extremely restless and had cramping in both my calves which I never had before withdrawal. I realized I had been repeatedly twisting, stretching, and overextending my feet.  I thought it was subconsciously to help with the cramping but realized this morning that I sometimes do that since I started this "trip". Additionally, a strictly benzo symptom for me is occasional odd sensations and sounds in my belly as if a small animal is trapped inside. I had that last night, too.

 

Today, I feel as if I have been run over by a truck, again.  Of course, none of us knows anything for sure except what we personally experience and learn for ourselves.  Sharing our experiences with others adds to our available reference points so we can make our own best choices for ourselves. I made the rounds of the emergency rooms through the years and realized I know myself best and I will just hang on to hangin on but I would never presume to tell another person what is or is not going on with them or tell them to decline medical treatment. I think that is part of what makes our situations so vile. We could not make the right decisions for ourselves because important information was hidden from us.  We were all duped and the ones who duped us turn their attention to fresh and ignorant victims.

 

Believe it or not, I would not classify benzos as evil poison and blast it off the earth.  I believe it can have a very limited and vital purpose in certain situations.  When it was first offered to me, I was so distraught at the thought of my son's impending 4th open-heart surgery I was in no condition to help him through it.  But if I had been thoroughly advised of the risks and the strict adherence to its short term use then I would have pushed to get off of it early instead of allowing myself to be prescribed it daily for 10 years for my "continuing and breakthrough anxiety" instead of the reality of being treated for the continuing withdrawal.

 

Keep hanging in there.  We are all we have but we can be enough.  I once asked one of my son's surgeons if there was light at the end of the tunnel.  He said there probably was but it could just be another train.  I thought it was a terrible thing to say but in the 23 years since he said it, I have thought it is really very helpful.  I kept trying to look past everything to find the light which signals the end.  But that light may be the REAL end. 

 

So I will just keep taking the trains as they come because sometimes there are hidden treasures inside.  It is hard to believe and we may not recognize the treasures until the "trip" is over, but it will likely turn out the treasure is inside you and you would not have found it unless you were in the fight of your life as you are right now. 

 

I am sure you could not have imagined coming as far as you have so you have no idea how far you can go.

 

All we can do is keep going until we find out.  And we have plenty of company.

 

God Bless us all

 

 

I'm sorry that you're seeing no progress.

 

The average time for recovery is, I think, 18 months. Average means, of course, that you could land either below or above it. You're just past the average time. So, it isn't really late, although it might seem like an eternity to you.

 

Hold on, friend. It might take a few more months, but you will surely start seeing progress, sooner or later.

 

Healing might be at the corner, we don't know. Before 18 months might happen, but it less probable. After 18 months is more probable.

 

And if the symptoms are getting worse, that doesn't necessarily reflects the healing process. You are healing, even if you are doing bad with a particular symptom.

Listen to me, all of you. You CAN get through this and you WILL get through this. I know it feels like it will never end. But it does. It takes longer for some of us, and I was one of those people. Going CT is dangerous, but if you made it through okay, you will get better. You need to listen to what people say here, because knowledge will be your best friend. Knowing what causes all those weird symptoms is very helpful, and that information can be found on this wonderful site.

Benzo withdrawal can be traumatic. For some reason, some people go through a truly terrible withdrawal. I was one of them. Maybe because of the high doses of Klonapin and Ambien I was on and also went CT. Whatever -- withdrawal was total hell for me. I dont know how I got through it, except for my deep involvement on BB. I poured my heart out here. I reached out from the start and tried to help other people first, knowing that this would help ME deal with WD. Few people had any idea how bad off I was until I wrote my Success Story, in which I told the utter truth.

There is nothing easy or simple about withdrawal from benzos.  If your withdrawal is bad, or feels unbearable, please try to hang on. Day by day or minute to minute. Just hang on, and spend a LOT of time here, reading, trying to help someone else, and learning as much as you can about WHY you are feeling so bad.

Knowledge is wonderful...if you sort of understand WHY you have these awful symptoms, they may become easier to deal with.

much love to you all.....

Annie

 

I want to hug you!!! I know how awful and hopeless you feel. Please read my Success Story: Eastcoasts Trip. It may be hard to find as I am an OLD member here. Keep looking for it. I think it will help you to read something so similar to your story.

 

I took benzos for 30 long and stupid years, knowing they were addictive. My rational mind got benzo'd, frankly, and I guess I thought I was somehow immune. What i did not know is that benzo WD can be SO truly awful for some people. Even physicians dont know that.

 

I went through a truly horrible withdrawal. The first year, I was, I believe, insane. Terribly paranoid, scared of everything around me. Even my own HAIR scared me! Vegatables scared me. Noises scared me. Its funny now, but it wasnt back then.

 

I went cold turkey in July 2012. The second year was awful but I had minor moments when I could sort of function without panci attacks,. I was still in severe DP/DR, VERY weak and frail, and still had a myriad of weird symptoms. The Terror did not leave me for a very long time. I believe my amygdala was so severely disturbed that I lived with that awful fear for so long. Our brains are what causes all those symptoms, and knowing even a little bit about this helped me cope.

 

You will make it through this, if you just hang on and keep coming back to BB. Learn as much as you can, in between those horrible waves of sx. Just keep plodding ahead, putting one foot in front of the other and remaining hopeful.

much love, Annie

 

I'm 18 months and it's like I didn't even have acute till 14 1/2 months and from then until now it's just getting worse it's like every symptom anyone has ever talked about has hit in those 3 1/2 months with the last 6 weeks leaving me bedridden.

I'm here to shine a little hope on your situation! I rarely stop back by, but I'm glad I did. The 16-20 month mark was absolute hell for me!!! I kept thinking there was no way it was still benzos, no way I would recover. I never had windows of pure relief. Just windows of not as much hell. My symptoms...debilitating pain in my legs, bones, nerves. Headaches, insomnia, bladder spasms, ear ringing, jaw pain, bloated belly, constipation or diarrhea, buzzing head, tingling extremities, tooth pain, eye sight blurred,  voice trouble, racing heart, anxiety, depression, dp/dr.

Guess what?? I'm 90% healed today. I say 90 because I still have an occasional wave, but they last a couple hrs best. I'm sitting st 26 months now. I literally did not get my first real window until 20months. At 21 I started to fear a wave because I was feeling so good. At 24 months I was more paranoid, as I had waves about every 6 months that would last 3 months at a time. But...here I am...26 months tomorrow. I sleep 8 hrs a night. Im exercising again!! My weight is still up, but I think it will start to come down the more I move. I just want you all to hang in there. I was told a while ago that 21 months was a turning point. They were right!!! Hang on warriors!!!

I’m sorry all of you are going through/have gone through this.

 

EastCoast - it is interesting you had the hair and vegetable fear. I have that. I have a terror of much of the world. My own body, vegetables, paper, people’s faces. I jump at the tinniest noise or movement.

 

Can I ask if you did anything that helped to calm your brain down?

 

As soon as I think about trying to cook my brain starts to panic about the thought of it. I try to tell myself to calm down and keep trying to do things but atm I have reinstated which helps a bit. I am terrified of going back to the place I was in before.

 

 

I'm 18 months and it's like I didn't even have acute till 14 1/2 months and from then until now it's just getting worse it's like every symptom anyone has ever talked about has hit in those 3 1/2 months with the last 6 weeks leaving me bedridden.

 

I got hit very hard at 14.5 and it went to about 18.5 - 19 and it's gotten much better since. I still have some bad days and rough waves but nothing compared to 14.5 or even a month ago.

 

It's not uncommon to have bad months in this time period. I thought it would never end it was so bad.. I was crying every day at work and driving home.

 

Hopefully you see that break soon too.

Thank you guys so much for letting us know that it's put my mind at ease a little. It's weird how for the last months this wave has changed like every two weeks it's so strange. It's like let's cycle through all the withdrawal symptoms so your sure not to miss any.

Thank you guys so much for letting us know that it's put my mind at ease a little. It's weird how for the last months this wave has changed like every two weeks it's so strange. It's like let's cycle through all the withdrawal symptoms so your sure not to miss any.

 

Yeah I've been cycling lately too, seems like every day is a different sx lately. Never know what I'm going to get. I hope that means I'm getting closer to the end.