I give up

50 months and now massive depression, cant function, my brain is dead. I just lay on the floor and cry and hope God can end all of this now. there is nothing left in my cup

Damn - 50 mo. is a hell of a long time to be dealing with this wretched stuff. Had you had depression before Benzos? That's really a tough deal. I'm at 22 mo. and don't see how I could even get to 30 let alone 40 or 50. But since I've had a long history of depression - I figure I may not notice even if/when I got through this. I'd been hoping to get into a trial study of Psilocybin but you have to be off antidepressants so that tears it for me. Might have been the one thing that could have had a real impact. Really sorry though, for your situation . . .

Don't give up, you still got friends.  Depression is indeed a dark place to be.  If you're alone, that may contribute to the depressive state.  I don't know if you are alone or not.  At any rate, human warmth and kindness can work wonders in a situation like this, so reach out, even if it seems insurmountable.  There are good people around you that can help.  Just reach out.

I am done for, no hope or energy, just bed and more bed, it time to go

Hi Gibson,

 

We are here to support you. Do you feel able to answer some personal questions for me?

 

What kind of head injury did you have?

Why did you come off your anti-depressants?

Are you living alone or is anyone helping you?

 

Mrs B

Xxx

 

 

I am done for, no hope or energy, just bed and more bed, it time to go

 

Hey gibson..

 

For you are so long in withdrawal I think you do not need to hear about strategies or so.. right?

 

Sometimes for me it was good to give up for some days, to give in, surrender. To allow myself to look like I really felt, to eat bad food, watch TV, do things that I would usually not allow myself. Behaving like a looser somehow:-)

After that time I put myself under the shower, cursing and crying and tried to move on with that shitty life.

 

I cannot tell you when things will be easier for you, the only thing I can tell you that I have seen lots of people who were near to death because of exhaustion and depression and then something little changed and it got better slowly.

 

So.. if you wanna give up for today or next week this can be helpful - if you wanna end your life, don't you dare to do that because this decision would be made with a sick and sad brain and just cannot be good then. I always told myself not to make any big decision in depression and thats what I tell you now. If you get some thoughts, just tell yourself not today, tomorrow.

 

So - get yourself off the floor, buddy, chin up, blow your nose and get some water and food. The only thing we can always do is to be stubborn and just stay and do what we can.

 

Sending you hope and strength..

Marigold

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the support people, really needed that, feel a tad better today. As far as Mrs. B questions go--

1. I have had 6 major head injuries, mostly from sailing, had to give it up and sell my 27 ft boat

2. I didn't like the side affects of anti-depressants but am considering going back on one, my depression can be brutal and dark

3. live with my brother now, is supporting me as much as he can

How is your health outside of depression/withdrawal?

 

Have you got bloods done? Hormones? Diet? Anything to work on in those areas?

Hi Gibson,

 

Thank you for answering my questions. I am sorry that you’ve had to give up sailing and for the injuries you sustained.  That’s quite severe!

 

That’s good that you live with your brother, I am pleased to hear that.

As far as going back on an anti-depressant, as much as most of here hate certain drugs with a vengeance, sometimes they’re necessary if the depression becomes too sustained or puts you at risk.

 

I don’t much like the side effects of Lexapro and Mirtazapine blew my head off and sent me to the psych ward, so I hear you. However, I’d got down to a dangerously low weight because my appetite and will to eat had disappeared so I didn’t see I had a choice.  For some people they are the only option.

 

If you do decide it is best for you at this moment and you feel like you’ve done what you can with lifestyle and therapies, then you will have support and advice here.  The only thing I can suggest is to titrate slowly and give them at least between 4-6 months. It took a while for me.  I know people will chime in against them, but it is your personal choice. 

 

There’s a very knowledgeable and caring community here, so please let us know how you are doing and rant as much as you like. We’re here for you.

 

Take care,

Mrs B xxx

Hi Gibson,

 

You must be an incredibly strong and resourceful person to have lasted the 50 months.

 

You probably don’t feel like that but you are positively heroic not to have given up.

 

Give yourself a big pat on the back.

 

I know people say similar things to me and I never believe them - just too scared to kill myself and can’t quite kill the last little bit of hope..

 

Glad today is a little better - stay connected with people who can support you.

doing really bad today, shaking all the time now, want to go to the ER everyday--I do appreciate the comments though, it helps some. 53 months is a long time to be sick

Sorry you are bad today.

 

What can you do to distract yourself if anything?

 

I’ve been ill and largely housebound for 22 years. Benzo withdrawal is the worst thing ever though.

 

 

doing really bad today, shaking all the time now, want to go to the ER everyday--I do appreciate the comments though, it helps some. 53 months is a long time to be sick

 

You really are incredibly tough - I cannot imagine what you've been through and how discouraging it's been. But one thing has actually changed during this period of time - is that you have expanded your endurance as well as having gone well past what most of us, myself included, feel we cannot do. But no doubt, you must be thinking "what the hell good is it if I cannot feel better?". Which is perfectly reasonable. I know I've attempted to give up on less and my brother did give up - another story. I have a policy of non-interference on decisions such as this - just wanted to let you recognize the tremendous chutzpah you sooooo deserve credit for. I would suggest it has not been a futile effort. I'm trying to hang on to that idea on this but also on other matters.

Sending some exhausted greetings from germany...this was my worst night this year.. I am feeling like.. 

 

I hope you day starts better and gets you some relief. Are you able to watch netflix? I do not know if I could survive without it.. although I think they should produce faster - I have seen anything they offer..

 

Hug!!

Marigold

Yes I have Netflix! binged on Shameless, californication, twilight zone-- its a great distraction but I tend to drink too much vodka---

Yes I have Netflix! binged on Shameless, californication, twilight zone-- its a great distraction but I tend to drink too much vodka---

 

How can you drink vodka when you still suffer so much?!

Yes I have Netflix! binged on Shameless, californication, twilight zone-- its a great distraction but I tend to drink too much vodka---

 

That could be a real problem. I know it's tempting to drink a lot, but drinking causes depression, too. I'm about as far as you are out, and I still go through bad days, too.

I tend to drink too much vodka---

 

I concur with what Terry has said above. Alcohol abuse explains quite well why you give up. You self-medicate with alcohol. It will only make your depression worse. You could as well be popping BZD. Not much difference. Both substances act on the GABA receptors. People in BZD WD should absolutely avoid alcohol.

 

 

 

Yeah, I know alcohol is bad, need to stop that--big shit show now

Yeah, I know alcohol is bad, need to stop that--big shit show now

 

I was wondering in anther topic why you just feel so bad and then I have to read you tend to drink too much.. thats confusing. You cannot complain about the bad withdrawal and keep drinking, buddy (of course you can but things won't change then)...

Vodka is a hard one, too..

But you tapered once, do it again. You can taper alcohol like a benzo if a ct is not possible.

Sending you hope!

Marigold

am tapering off Vodka today, would gabapentin help? in a bad way now

am tapering off Vodka today, would gabapentin help? in a bad way now

 

I do not think that any supplement helps you in your withdrawal from alcohol. The only thing that will help is tapering correctly.

Means you must be honest to yourself about the dosages and amount of alcohol daily.

And then I would taper the exact same way like Ashton tells us for a short-time benzo, like lorazepam. Of course without switching to valium.

But maybe you should look for helping boards for alcoholics.

am tapering off Vodka today, would gabapentin help? in a bad way now

 

Yeah, that ain't too good - dealing with alcohol too. Nothing ever ends well with it - especially the hard stuff. Both my cousin and brother ended up committing suicide, both alcoholics. Bro was sober over 30 years but went back to drinking after getting out of prison. Whatever direction you decide to head, alcohol will intensify the depression - that's just a fact.

By the way, Gabapentin is the first choice drug for alcohol withdrawal but not to be used if tapering. I am on day 2 of tapering using just beer---My very good friend committed suicide 7 months ago, was drinking a liter a day of vodka, had been in rehab 6 times and AA. Sure miss him---

Hi Gibson,

 

We are here with you.

 

What are your symptoms at the moment?

 

Make sure you drink any liquids with electrolytes in them to avoid dehydration. Also, apparently cold showers are recommended to give you a bit of a slap if you feel like relapsing!

 

I am very sorry about your friend. My older sister did the same.

 

How long will your taper be?

 

Mrs B

Xxx