New to this and this is what's saving me

I am just getting going on this process and currently stabilizing on a valium c/o. The last few weeks have been intense until I figured out I just needed a higher dose of valium to cope. Today was finally a window where I'm tired and feel heavy, but it's a relief actually compared to the anxiety of switching off the ativan which felt like it had a grip on me like no other drug I've ever dealt with (rx or otherwise).

 

One thing getting me through this, that I haven't seen anyone else write about because we are all so understandably pissed, is remembering that during the severe mental health and life crisis I was in, benzos actually DID save my life, numerous times. I knew the risks, although I'd never dealt with a short acting one and never had problems coming off occasional use of valium for similar problems.

 

Yes, they complicated my illness and turned on me at some point. But I have severe CPTSD, had just been brutally re-traumatized, was detoxing off cocaine, and tried to kill myself five times prior to getting on them. I never intended to take them this long but I had very bad reactions to more than a dozen other psych meds and so dealing with this taper process is better than suicide. At first I was angry about this but it's helpful to be compassionate with ourselves. Dependence sucks, and I can see how the ativan ended up destabilizing me in the long run, but I recently got through a serious bout of major depression and ptsd that was 100% worse than this wd process. And even though the benzos probably exacerbated my my mental illness over this past five months, realizing that happened was actually a huge relief, like I have something to logically attribute my symptoms to that I can control by getting off of them. And anyways, it's keeping me going to remember that although I unfortunately became dependent, it's ok, I needed these drugs I was in a living nightmare and hell on earth and now I can slowly wean off and access my coping skills I've been developing for the last ten years of my recovery. It's also helping me to remember that I have been through so much worse than this, and survived. Over and over, I keep surviving.

 

I am strong, I am resilient, and I will heal. Acceptance is the biggest tool I'm learning to access.

I am just getting going on this process and currently stabilizing on a valium c/o. The last few weeks have been intense until I figured out I just needed a higher dose of valium to cope. Today was finally a window where I'm tired and feel heavy, but it's a relief actually compared to the anxiety of switching off the ativan which felt like it had a grip on me like no other drug I've ever dealt with (rx or otherwise).

 

One thing getting me through this, that I haven't seen anyone else write about because we are all so understandably pissed, is remembering that during the severe mental health and life crisis I was in, benzos actually DID save my life, numerous times. I knew the risks, although I'd never dealt with a short acting one and never had problems coming off occasional use of valium for similar problems.

 

Yes, they complicated my illness and turned on me at some point. But I have severe CPTSD, had just been brutally re-traumatized, was detoxing off cocaine, and tried to kill myself five times prior to getting on them. I never intended to take them this long but I had very bad reactions to more than a dozen other psych meds and so dealing with this taper process is better than suicide. At first I was angry about this but it's helpful to be compassionate with ourselves. Dependence sucks, and I can see how the ativan ended up destabilizing me in the long run, but I recently got through a serious bout of major depression and ptsd that was 100% worse than this wd process. And even though the benzos probably exacerbated my my mental illness over this past five months, realizing that happened was actually a huge relief, like I have something to logically attribute my symptoms to that I can control by getting off of them. And anyways, it's keeping me going to remember that although I unfortunately became dependent, it's ok, I needed these drugs I was in a living nightmare and hell on earth and now I can slowly wean off and access my coping skills I've been developing for the last ten years of my recovery. It's also helping me to remember that I have been through so much worse than this, and survived. Over and over, I keep surviving.

 

I am strong, I am resilient, and I will heal. Acceptance is the biggest tool I'm learning to access.

 

That's a very wise way to be able to accept it all and acceptance can mean a lot going through all this. 

Thanks Mary, I'm finding acceptance is becoming my biggest tool for dealing with mental health issues and issues in general. Focusing on what I really have control over. It's actually because of this book I'm reading titled "Fuck Feelings" (meant to be funny) that combines comedy and reflections from a psychiatrist. Anyways, it's not always easy but if we can accept what we are going through I think we stop fighting it and panicking, and there's more space for some peace. So many of us are so upset to be going through this and I think it def compounds symptoms! It's all so complex...Years ago I was debilitated by both mental illness and 9 chronic pain/illnesses and it wasn't until I learned to practice relaxing into it that I was able to start healing and even doing the things that I needed to help myself heal.

Very inspiring post, thank you diana23.

 

I practice acceptance as well, and I often offer this coping tool to others on this website.  Some people are receptive, but some are not, in fact, some resist it vigorously and demand guarantees and quick fixes right away.  There is no such thing.  For me, acceptance works wonders when I'm in the right frame of mind, even when I'm suffering.  After all, what other choice do we have?  What benzos have done to us is done, now we can only accept and go forward with recovery.  There is pain and suffering, sometimes severe, and when I offer acceptance as a coping tool to others, they think I'm telling them to just accept the pain and suffering.  Not so.  I'm telling them to accept what has happened in the grand scheme of things and move forward.  The pain and suffering will pass given enough time.  Acceptance, however, can make the recovery process much more bearable and propel us to the state of well being that we all so desire.