I've Lost Everything

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been sick from w/d for over 2 years before I realized in January that it was the Xanax causing all my problems.  Then I did a CT without realizing (even though I first consulted with my PCP).  During 2016 and 2017, I've seen so many doctors, had so many tests, spent so much money, and tore my house apart looking for the source of my illness. 

 

Even now, my PCP who prescribed the Xanax to me will not acknowledge my problem.

 

I've always been very outgoing and had a magnetic personality.  I was very successful and had a great career.  All that is gone.

 

Even my closest friends and family avoid me like I have the plague.  They simply don't understand any of this or know what to do.  They are tired of hearing my problems.

 

I'm seeing a therapist now, but he's never heard of benzo w/d either and is not convinced.

 

I have the paperwork for FMLA and short term disability, but I don't see how I qualify if my PCP doesn't acknowledge benzo w/d.

 

I've spent the last 4 months laying down looking at the ceiling, wanting to cry but too numb to do so.  Wanting companionship but none is there.  Trying to salvage my job by working from home with a laptop, but those days are numbered.  My career has been destroyed at it's peak.

 

My mother always told me:  When you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry you cry alone.  I'm finding that is so true. 

 

I've heard of this type of thing happening to alcoholics and drug addicts, but this happened to me just by taking .25 mg Xanax as needed to help cope with the stress and politics of work.

 

In addition to all this, there is the 24x7 daily suffering of all the symptoms.  This is truly horrific and devastating to my life.  I'm praying for an angel to help me through.

 

 

 

 

BenzoBegone, I do not know what to say except that I am very sad that you are going through this mess! You have to convince your PCP to sign your papers for disability. It does not matter that he believes in benzo w/d or not. He can call it anything he wants as long as he signs those papers, he can clearly see something is wrong with you.

 

What I can do and will do is pray that your suffering become manageable so you can live your life. Again, I am sorry for your pain and I am praying for you because I believe it works. :'( :'(

BenzoBGone...😢. Hold on. You will make it. Of this I am 100% absolutely sure.

This is just an idea...but I was able to use STD for my acute since I timed it to align with a non related surgery recovery. Is there any medical procedure you have been putting off? That darn knee that needs to be scoped? Lingering Concussion symptoms? Anyang that a PCP can recognize?

 

I had a similar experience on xanx.

A similar low dose over years and then told to just stop when I realised my hypochondria was actually withdrawal if I didnt dose after a few days.

I was pretty numb with alot of constant symptoms for a long time after CT. Still have head pressure and anxiety fluctuating BPs but it does get so much better. I'm back to sport and can even socialise with drinks. Hang in there, u will get better.

Hi BenzoBGone

 

You are not alone Even I have lost my soul

 

Last week was so terrible. I was so demoralized that I started screaming at the photo of GOD hanging in my living room. I cried and I cried asking him why cant he help me

 

Benzo can make a normal person end up with mental disorders .My only hope is that if insomnia can improve then slowly other symptoms too will improve But I can understand sometimes we do lose patience

Hi BenzoBFree, do you mean PTSD?  Not STD?  Another person also suggested PTSD.  I think I have some PTSD from all this...

Sorry to hear about the suffering you're going through.  Reading your history of use, I think that you're still being affected by the CT after taking Xanax some 30 times last Jan.  I had a similar CT experience around that time, and since, from stopping Clonazepam, and frequently feel very down and out, with depression, anxiety, muscle pain, unpleasant head sensations, dizziness, extreme fatigue, weakness and more.  It's too early in our recovery to expect much relief, but the overall consensus is that virtually everybody recovers, as long as they stay the course.  Although I'm 20 weeks out from C/T, it's still very tough, the depression is worse, but a few other symptoms have abated somewhat. I have had PTSD from several causes over the years, and I'm sure that I have it now from my CT, as well.  Hope you feel better soon. 

 

I'm so very sorry also. Just wanted to add that I jumped at the same time as you. I was at .25 mg of K...sort of close to what you were taking? I'm not sure what the equivalency is, hence the question mark.

 

But wanted you to know that I am starting to feel somewhat better the past couple of weeks. I don't have defined windows yet but there are days I feel sort of okay. Still have days I feel horrible, but I haven't gone back to acute in a while either.

 

Maybe you have some good days/times coming up soon. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

 

 

My sincere empathy for the OP and all suffering here.

 

Re trauma, very traumatic events in my life before this, but nothing compares to the trauma of this ordeal.  I can only imagine the huge number of other sufferers who could say the very same thing.

Thank you all for your kind replies.  I think we mentally go through different phases of depression, awareness, acceptance and many other feelings during this horrible ordeal.

 

I'm now in the phase where reality smacked me in the face.  I feel like my old life is gone.  From here forward my life will be forever changed. 

 

I pray that I will heal.  Having support from B.B. is helping me a lot. 

 

But, what I don't understand is, if I heal, will I ever be back to the way I used to be?  Will I be able to drink coffee, alcohol, handle stress, exercise, eat the same foods, and not worry that there is a sleeping monster inside me with a memory of the Benzos about to waken at any moment?  Or, will I live my life in fear, like I'm walking on a tightrope, afraid of my next step?

 

If anyone is a few years beyond the point of being healed, I would really appreciate some encouragement of what your life is like now and how you handled all the uncertainty.

 

Thank you.

Hi BenzoBFree, do you mean PTSD?  Not STD?  Another person also suggested PTSD.  I think I have some PTSD from all this...

Short Term Disability ("STD") as the insurance carriers call it. FMLA will pay at the state level, but STD is what you need for 100% salary.

 

PTSD isn't something that will help in this case, you're going to need something physical that would "inhibit your ability to perform your responsibilities at work"

Thank you all for your kind replies.  I think we mentally go through different phases of depression, awareness, acceptance and many other feelings during this horrible ordeal.

 

I'm now in the phase where reality smacked me in the face.  I feel like my old life is gone.  From here forward my life will be forever changed. 

 

I pray that I will heal.  Having support from B.B. is helping me a lot. 

 

But, what I don't understand is, if I heal, will I every be back to the way I used to be?  Will I be able to drink coffee, alcohol, handle stress, exercise, eat the same foods, and not worry that there is a sleeping monster inside me with a memory of the Benzos about to waken at any moment?  Or, will I live my life in fear, like I'm walking on a tightrope, afraid of my next step?

 

If anyone is a few years beyond the point of being healed, I would really appreciate some encouragement of what your life is like now and how you handled all the uncertainty.

 

Thank you.

You'll be able to do all of that and more. Fear can only rear it's head if you let it.

 

I'm able to everything I was able to do pre-benzo and more. Have faith brother!