Need some positivity! (Warning-Debbie Downer Post)

Hey,

I really hate to be posting this. So ashamed. If you knew me  a year ago before Ativan well you would not believe this is what I have become. I am not doing well. I am just heading into my 6th month post Ativan CT. I have spent yet another night rocking on the floor begging God to take me. I have been through a lot of painful stuff in the last 2 years but nothing compares to this. Not one bit.

 

I still cannot sleep on my own. I have had maybe 3 days in the last 6 months where I could fall asleep without anything. Even when I take something, I wake just about every hour with sweats and adrenaline surges. It is not restorative. I am getting weaker and weaker. I keep losing weight. A month ago I had more physical stamina and faith in this journey. My suicidal ideations are back stronger than ever. After days of 0-2 hours sleep, paranoia and mild psychosis sets in. I know I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But it won’t stop. It won’t give me a break. When will this get better? When??

I'm so sorry you are suffering like this.

 

What are you taking for sleep?

 

I don't think anyone can tell you when it ends. I only know, for myself, that I've only had a one hour window in a year and when this is too much, I hold onto that one hour window as hope that some day I'll feel like that again. Looks like you had some windows in M3. Can you conjure up the image of yourself in those windows and try to flip this around and see that you too will someday be like that all the time?

 

 

So sorry for your pain. It will get better and you will be stronger than before. Keep crying out to God and the fact that you are still here is a testament that you can conquer this. Keep going forward and you are still in my prayers. :'(

Anchors, thank you for responding. Just had a 2 day day symptom window. It was so nice. Not 100% but doable ya know? I thought I might be turning a corner. But slammed back down. I try to take very little to sleep as everyone says it will slow down healing. But sometimes melatonin, Unisom, hydroxyine, Remeron, Trazadone. All very small doses and never every night. Just when I can’t take it anymore. You reinstated and tapered? Is it better? This is hell. I don’t think I can make it.

Preachergirl... looks like you are doing good. I’m so happy for you. I only pray I will get better. I believe this is my worst day yet. How can that be? I should be getting better not worse. I just don’t know how I can hang on much more. Sorry, I know this is not positive. I don’t mean to discourage anyone else.

Can I take Ambien? Or will that mess me up too?

Yes, I had to reinstate and then tapered. But I'm not the poster girl for doing things properly and don't think anyone should follow what I did. Only recently I'm beginning to have the days that are "just okay". I do take melatonin for sleep and found it does not adversely affect me in any way.

 

A 2-day window is amazing! Sounds like you are doing better than even you may think. It's just so discouraging when we are slammed again. The healing is unlike anything else though, we can be doing well, little fawns prancing along in a meadow and BAMN, get eaten up by the wolf. Thank God it's only temporary and more windows will surely follow.

 

Hang in there!

 

I'd stay the heck away from Ambien, it can only cause more grief.

Anchors...thanks for responding. I am so desperate today. No sleep last night. Eyes blurry as heck, raging tinnitus, so weak. I’m trying to be strong. OMG. How stupid of me to get in this mess!!

You'll probably sleep well tonight then and tomorrow will bring renewed strength.

 

You don't have to be strong all the time, just try to get through today, one minute at a time, if needed. Breathe in and out slowly. Eat something that you enjoy, try to be kind to yourself.

 

Above all, don't beat yourself up for being in this situation. None of us knew we'd be suffering like this. If we had, I'm fairly sure none of us would have ever touched these pills.

 

You're not alone in this.

Anchors...thank you, I appreciate your support. I really do but, we are all alone in this. There is nothing anyone can do to help make us better. I watch my husband blissfully sleep and I am devastated and wracked with a jealousy of that simple act that I can’t believe. It’s a torment to me.

 

Yes we can reach out in desperation for some reassurance and I appreciate that, I do. 🙏. But, this is a very isolating, singular journey with no escape hatch. Either you get lucky and make it through or you suffer unending torment for years and years from what I can see on here.

 

Okay...I’m gonna stop talking now because I can’t stand what I’m sounding like myself!!! This is no sleep desperation!!!