So scared

I’m frozen in fear today, no one can be with me and I’m alone.  Monophobic and constant fear coursing through me.  I don’t know what to do.  :'(  Please help me get through this, I’m so triggered right now and have been waking in dark thoughts for the past week.  Hate to even admit that.  I want nothing more than to get through this!  My mind keeps telling me I can’t make it. 

You can make it. Hang in there unicorn. All Things Must Pass.

Trust me. I feel your pain. The only thing that I think about when I get like that is to remind myself of where I was a few months ago to where I am now. No, I can't see well and have no hope of sleeping like I used to for awhile, but I was way worse a few months ago. We will make it. I'm the same way. I hate being alone too.

Thank you both.  So much.  Means a lot that you’re here.  This is the hardest time in my entire life and my world has shrunk to so small I don’t even know how to manage.  It’s the times when you go through the most difficulties that you’d hope and wish people would really be there.  I feel so beyond let down by people I once called friends and family.  I’m trying my best every day to get through and find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Doing a lot of self-work.  Hard during this.  This is already out of any comfort zone, so it’s even further away from a comfort zone when alone and fear is constant.

 

StaceyY, I’m sorry you hate being alone, too.  I’m glad you’re better than a few months ago.  Does it make all your symptoms worse, when you’re alone for long periods? 

 

Thank you both.  So much.  Means a lot that you’re here.  This is the hardest time in my entire life and my world has shrunk to so small I don’t even know how to manage.  It’s the times when you go through the most difficulties that you’d hope and wish people would really be there.  I feel so beyond let down by people I once called friends and family.  I’m trying my best every day to get through and find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Doing a lot of self-work.  Hard during this.  This is already out of any comfort zone, so it’s even further away from a comfort zone when alone and fear is constant.

 

StaceyY, I’m sorry you hate being alone, too.  I’m glad you’re better than a few months ago.  Does it make all your symptoms worse, when you’re alone for long periods?

 

Yes. Like yesterday I had a really bad day. I didn't sleep at all the night before and was having horrible head pain. I try to call everyone I know except my mom. She don't want to talk to me because she says she don't want to hear me cry so we don't talk. I get excited when my husband comes home because he gets me out of the house. He encourages me, but sometimes I feel like I can't remember how I used to be. I forgot what it was like to have confidence in myself to know I'll be able to go to sleep on my own again and not have any pain. I just want to go on vacation again and do the things I used to love. I am so very depressed and have everything in life to be happy about.

Uni, I am so sorry you are having a bad time, my heart goes out to you. It is so hard to feel alone at a time like this. I am concerned about your SI thoughts, there are hot lines you could call and talk to someone, it is free and they have many volunteers that are trained in SI thoughts and for those in crisis they will talk to you, and listen to you when you have those thoughts. Especially when feeling so alone, we are all here to help with the gap, but I am not trained to help with those thoughts, but I can tell you that you are not alone here and that we do all care for you. I just want you to be safe. 💖 Peace and Hugs.

Uni, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Wonderful post by our friend BG 

You are not alone, withdrawal will try to have you believe all this bullcrap, what you are going through is "normal" and someday will be just a memory... You will marvel at how good life will get again, you will be incredibly proud of yourself for your recovery. Hang in there, Uni, one day at a time, even one minute at a time. You are not alone and will never be. Don't listen to any of the benzo-lies, you ARE healing from it all 

Hugs 

Julia xxx

I’m frozen in fear today, no one can be with me and I’m alone.  Monophobic and constant fear coursing through me.  I don’t know what to do.  :'(  Please help me get through this, I’m so triggered right now and have been waking in suicidal thoughts for the past week.  Hate to even admit that.  I want nothing more than to get through this!  My mind keeps telling me I can’t make it.

 

Hi, please hang on with me.

 

Just for you Unicorn.  It will pass.  You are not alone. 

 

Dee

This too , for you Unicorn

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  If you're monophobic, have you tried ASMR videos on Youtube?  I know some people think they're strange, but there is something so relaxing about someone focusing personal attention on you, and speaking in a soft, calm voice.  I used them a lot when I was tapering, and am still hooked!

Uni, just wanted to stop by to say you're not alone, sweet friend. I have/have had all the fears and feelings you describe... I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly.

 

I know how hard you're working at your recovery, and from our brief 'chat' I have NO doubt in my mind that you'll overcome this - and you'll be stronger and happier than ever!

 

Sending hugs, love, and strength,

Lara

 

 

I can relate. We're here. It's terrifying. One second at a time.

 

Hugs and healing!

 

 

Unicorn, I have been there.

 

Feels like you will never be any different and there is no way out.  Real fear is all-engulfing while it lasts but try not to make it worse by being scared about being scared. Easier said than done. Do all you can to self-soothe.

 

Try to find someone to talk to sooner or later, preferably sooner. Keep sharing on this board if you need to.

 

Remember this is shared human experience. People all over the world are feeling like you right now, maybe worse. Many Buddies will relate to your experience.

WoundedWarrior, StaceyY, BG, Julia, azalea,Dee, gogogaba, Lara, Sum, Chalkey -

 

Thank you all soooooo much for helping me and getting me through yesterday!  When I saw all your responses I cried with relief, and felt so moved that you took the time, showed such care and gave me the encouragement I needed to make it through this.  As I cried, I tried to write a response but couldn’t.  I just read over and over all of your responses.  Thank you, I’m forever grateful to all of you ANGLES  and BB. 

 

And today there are new responses!  My goodness, I just don’t know how to express my gratitude in words.  Thank you for the songs, felt good to cry while listening.  Thank you for telling me to hang in with you.  Thank you for relating.  Thank you for believing in me, when I’m trying really hard to believe in myself.  Thank you for your suggestions (I haven’t tried ASMR but will def check them out, and suicide hotline reminder).  Thank you for validating this experience.  Thank you for the hugs and love and warmth.  Thank you for being here with me.  I’m here with you.  And now the tears come again, I’m just really beyond touched.  :'(

 

My deep gratitude and love to you all.  May you be in peace and feeling the healing!    Hugs!

 

 

❤️❤️

Peace.  You are not alone. 

Unicorn 

 

Dee

just saw this thread. I wish I could take away your suffering Uni, I really do. You have such a pure heart. Hang on friend, we need you here.

Wow..!! Everyone is here...!!!

Uni, you are such a treasure to this site...!! Lean away.. we are here anytime (slow as I am)...

 

One thing that got me through the real bad days was to constantly remind myself that it is chemical,

-IT IS NOT ME... And to know it is true...

It became my first thought, my handle on reality...

Handy when waking in a doom n gloom panic attack... or when just totally worn down and broken...

I see a strength in you, -you Will make it...

A great life awaits you...!!

 

 

A great life awaits you...!!

 

 

Im an aging metalhead geek dude lol, and ive been through the ringer with a lot of things in life, but this situation has reduced me to a terrified little kid.

24/7 its battling symptoms, and then, which is even more horrifying at times, its battling this irrepressible fear. its constant. its reduced me to sobbing in the middle of the night, at work hiding out in my car, and in front of my folks and the few close friends im fortunate enough to have give me some understanding. ive been reduced to my most frightened, bare self...

 

For all of our sharing and testimonials on here, this is still an extraordinarily lonely battle, because out there in the world, we are stuck inside ourselves, trying to cope with this in those times when we're not on this board, or in the presence of a compassionate soul. its the ultimate test or torture for we already sensitive people.

 

I feel like I should have keeled over or crumpled into myself a thousand times this past 2+ years, and to this day I question whether Ill survive this or not. As i type this Im at my desk feeling kinda nauseous and very weak, i just had a weird little pang of pain in my chest and as is so often, im wondering if my heart will hold out for the day. This has been life for so long now, and its an awful way to live, sitting here trying to survive and still halfway convinced that Im about to fall over.

 

But Im still here. 2 1/2 years all told. After rushing to the hospital convinced its finally the "big one"; after laying wide awake staring at the ceiling countless nights alone convinced I wasnt gonna see the morning; after being picked up from work and taken home because i could barely walk, much less produce anything; after feeling my pulse race away from me and breath drop out; after feeling the world spin over my head, im still here.

 

Each of us has our own little hell, and its impossibly cruel. Every weakness we've ever had is being magnified, scrutinized and thrown back in our faces. I truly feel that every single ordeal Ive ever dealt with in my life was a cakewalk next to this.

 

But there is another facet that Ive noticed that we all have in common, or at least as far as Ive seen - while i know there are exceptions in extreme circumstances, everyone ive corresponded with in this forum has survived. it may be a mess, it may take dragging, screaming and crying, but everyone has persevered, or is persevering. i take comfort in this, and i hope you can, too.

 

unfortunately, fear is our companion on this journey, its something of a stowaway while we navigate the roughest seas of our lives. But we are still the captains of our ship, and our souls.

 

Peace, prayers and healing to all

Hi Luke,

Great post..!!

Great to see you fighting to get through, but sorry it has been so rough...

You also will stand tall an proud once beyond this nightmare...

Best wishes...

 

Thanks Luke

Every weakness we've ever had is being magnified, scrutinized and thrown back in our faces.

 

...unfortunately, fear is our companion on this journey, its something of a stowaway while we navigate the roughest seas of our lives. But we are still the captains of our ship, and our souls.

 

Luke, I really love this. I, too, have been humbled beyond recognition during this journey. Some of it, for me, is still too raw and hard to write about... But maybe the humbling is the point - and the magnifying of the weaknesses (the ones that were there even before benzo w/d) that need healing... I know it is so, in my case.

 

But we are getting our souls back - unlike so many who will perhaps never come off benzos, and who will lose their souls in the process...and be too fogged even to realise it. (I know a few, and it is unspeakably sad to see.) Yes, we remain the captains of our ship, and our souls.

 

Thank you for your beautiful words.