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After 28 YEARS...Benzo FREE!


[Si...]

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MY STORY

 

During my 28 years on Klonopin I missed many family events.  I missed weddings, birthdays and family vacations... but I never missed my Klonopin.

 

Prologue:  It is late.  I am finally home and I am pacing around the back of my bedroom.  I feel stressed.  I have taken on too much volunteer work.  There are too many meetings, too many home visits, and now too many musical commitments.  Everybody wants something.  I can’t say “no.”  My last thought before I go to bed is “I can’t take this anymore.”

 

I lay my head on the pillow.  Eventually I get to sleep, only to find myself sitting up and gulping for air.  It happens repeatedly.  What is going on?  Morning comes, and the first thing I do is call my doctor. It is Saturday, so I get the doctor on call. He immediate diagnoses my condition as stress related and calls some pills into the pharmacy for me.  And thus begins my addiction to the Benzo Klonopin…

 

A few weeks ago I took my last Klonopin.  It was 8 long months of cutting pills and staying housebound, but it was worth it.  After 28 years I am finally free of my addiction to Klonopin.

During my many years on Klonopin I was told by my doctors that my brain had a “chemical imbalance,” and that I needed my Klonopin “like a diabetic needs insulin.”  Years ago, when I took my first benzo prescription to my pharmacist I was told “this medicine causes more problems than it helps.”  He was right.

 

Klonopin did not stop the ongoing list of phobias I experienced.  It may even have facilitated them.  I dealt with most of my phobias by avoiding them.  I didn’t go up elevators, travel on airplanes, or sit in the middle of crowded rooms.  I didn’t leave home for long periods of time, and for a decade had trouble going out the front door.

 

Unmindful of my problems, life moved on…without me. I barely made it to the wedding of my first child.  I failed with my last one.  My family was supportive, but every event I missed, every vacation I sat at home alone, and every time I missed out on sharing precious moments with my family, my heart tore anew.  Yet…I never missed my Klonopin.

 

I always knew I wanted to get rid of my pills.  I had learned how dependent I was on them when I tried to take less by splitting them in half with my buttonhole cutter.  I couldn’t handle any of the cuts that I made.  It caused me too much anxiety.  I always went running back to my full dosage of Klonopin.

 

Every year I would try at least one or two times to cut my medication.  It never worked, until last year.

 

No one was more shocked than I was that I managed my first “cut.”  After surviving a few cuts I realized this might be my opportunity to actually make it.  I once read an Internet forum post about how to withdraw from Klonopin.  It advised to cut your pill every other day for the first week, and then hold the new dose for a week.  This would avoid “suffering.”  So this was my plan.

 

I had 4 pills.  I would eliminate one at a time. In my ignorance I thought anxiety, or possible panic attacks might be my only issue.  I had no idea what was coming.

 

Thankfully there are support forums for benzo addiction on the Internet.  If I had not known what was coming, I never could have gotten through the weeks and months of my withdrawal.  I would not have understood the insomnia that pounds you into the ground, the tremors, the buzzing ears, dizziness, nausea and just plain brain fog that can turn you into a babbling idiot! 

 

I tried to keep calm, but there was a lot of tension just wondering what would happen next.  I felt like my head was on the chopping block, waiting for the guillotine to fall.  And I was tired.  So tired.  I just wanted it to be over.

 

Once again, I didn’t realize what was coming.  Somehow I missed it.  My husband didn’t.  He tried to warn me…but I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. 

 

I did not know how “angry” my body would become when it couldn’t find the Klonopin it needed.  Two days after I took my last pill it hit.  Every symptom I experienced during my withdrawal came back with fury.  It was almost unbearable.  I was so upset.  I could not believe that my doctors did this to me. 

I was lucky that my “acute withdrawal” only lasted a few days.  It was probably because I went so slow on my withdrawal.  I only went down .125 mg every 2 weeks. 

 

Exactly one week after I took my last pill, I left the house for the first time in a couple months.  I went to watch my grandchildren  at two separate school events.  Both were very noisy and very crowded.

 

Did I do okay?  You bet I did! I had no problems.  I had a wonderful day.  Contrary to the “counsel”  of many doctors ,  I will not be taking Klonopin for the rest of my life!

 

Avoid benzodiazepines like the plague!  DO NOT TAKE A BENZO!  Apart from the negative side effects of this medication, which seem to grow as new data emerges, you cannot afford to put yourself in the position needing to take one, and not having them available.

 

I, like others, was blindsighted when we were prescribed this pill.  No one warned us about the addiction or the awful withdrawal side effects.  No one told us that if we started this medication we would probably be on it the rest of our lives.

 

Do not let this happen to you,  Do not take this drug for issues like anxiety or sleeping problems. 

Some of our modern medications are a blessing.  This is NOT one of them.

 

Note to Benzo Users:  Be aware that your withdrawal side effects will NOT disappear after you stop your medication and go through your acute withdrawal.  They will probably continue for several months or even a few years.  Please see www.benzobuddies.org for more info.

= = = = = = =

 

Hello All,

 

I wrote the above shortly after my pill cutting ended.  I think I was determined to "rid the world of Benzos" at that point! 

 

There is really nothing new I can add to the Benzo withdrawal stories.  No one can understand the myriad of symptoms and struggles of the Benzo withdrawal process unless you go through it or watch someone else do it.    It can be brutal!

 

It is now 2 months after taking my last pill.  I still have a few symptoms left, but some of them "come and go" now, or are getting better.  Bottom line is that I feel GREAT!  I am so relaxed.  I could not be happier!

 

Of course it is difficult to think of the past...but I have put it behind me.  However, I feel blessed that I made it through a long, difficult withdrawal. 

 

I think what surprises me the most is how my perception of the world now. This is going to sound corny, but it is like the world has gotten more beautiful.  I am seeing beauty everywhere.  Colors are brighter.  I notice things I have been missing that are lovely.  I thought I wanted to move to a different house, but now I love my home. 

 

I was at a school sports game yesterday and I didn't want to come home.  I could have stayed there forever!  There was a "normal" person underneath my Klonopin.  I didn't need it anymore.  Through my 28 years of Klonopin, NO ONE EVER encouraged me to get off it.  That is just not right.

 

I encourage all to persist and be hopeful about restoring your health.  Nothing in my long life can compare to the freedom and joy that I experienced when I was free from the horrible,  life altering, miserable drug Klonopin! 

 

I wish all the very best...and thanks so much to those who shared their stories.  I spent many nights listening to them, and I could not have made it without both you and the God who gave me strength.

 

Silver Girl

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[c5...]

'I think what surprises me the most is my perception of the world now... It is like the world has gotten more beautiful.  I am seeing beauty everywhere. [...] I notice things I have been missing that are lovely...'

 

 

Silver Girl, thank you for sharing your wonderful story - and huge congratulations on your freedom! Your words above really resonate with me - I'm getting similar glimpses of profound beauty and joy as I move towards the end of my very slow taper. How worthwhile this unspeakably difficult journey is turning out to be...

 

Thank you also for sharing about your phobias, and their disappearance. Extreme fears/multiple phobias have kept me trapped for years. Like you, I did not initially connect them to benzos. It's such a blessing to think I will eventually be free from all that.

 

Wishing you a lifetime of peace, well-being and happiness!

Lara

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Congratulations, SilverGirl!!  Thank you for sharing your story of SUCCESS!  As a long term Klonopin user myself, I’m holding onto the stories of what it’s like to be free of these drugs.  You’ve given me, and I’m sure many others, more hope.  :smitten:  I hope the healing continues and life becomes even more beautiful for you.

 

Uni

 

PS - how many mgs were you taking ?

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Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations!  One thing you mentioned that resonates with me is that you weren't happy with your home while on benzos and now you love it.  I feel the same way about my house and the city that I live in, which is ironic because it's one of the most desirable places to live in CA.  It seems like benzos have altered my perception of things and made me malcontent.  Even though deep down I know that will change once off of them it's still nice to hear it from someone who's been there.  I also know the horrible feeling of missing events and special occasions because of these poison pills.  Guess it's all worth it as long as life is as good as people say it is after you get off of them.  Happy healing!
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Wonderful story! Congratulations, and thank you for sharing it! Enjoy your family and all the good times to come.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Hi Silver Girl, congratulations! Could you give a few more details, please? What dose were you on and how fast did you taper? .125 mg every 2 weeks seems too fast for so very little symptoms after 28 years. I really would like to understand better you story. Thanks  :smitten:
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Thank you Silver Girl fro coming back to write your success ! It's a very hopeful story , the length of time on, and the fairly rapid taper you did.

So glad you are free and happy!

MiYu :smitten:

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For some reason I cannot find your original post. Probably me, as I am tired.

 

Congratulations on being benzo free after so many years. I took benzos for 30 years straight. AND went cold turkey.

 

The symptoms we have suffered are tremendous. I dont know about you, but for me, this was a super good learning experience. It forced me to look at myself a lot harder and try to do things a lot differently. My recovery was never easy, it was always so awful it is hard to describe even now. But I did survive, and you did too!

 

Going through this can possibly be the best thing a person ever does. I hope that is true for you.

much love, annie

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for your story!! I could’ve written every single solitary word of it myself!!

I am now tapering but stuck. I don’t know what to do!!

 

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Angelinnny555,  I started my taper from .5 mg k at the same time as you, but reduced by .002 mg a day, and now am reducing .001 mg a day.  I am at .023 now, with 23 days to go.  It has not been easy, but  I recommend a daily liquid micro taper the rest of the way for you.  I am a member of the Below .125 mg klonopin club; you might check it out.  We are a small group and not very active, but someone will help, I think.  The youtube video I used for my taper has been removed, and I am hesitant to advise you exactly how to do the dlmt.  You could also go to the tapering plans section of this website.  Good luck!
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Thank you. Congrats to you. It must feel good going at such a comfortable pace.

I’m hoping I too, will be able to start going to functions as I miss everything too

I was put on this med for that purpose. It’s incredible that you didn’t have a stronger rebound of all those symptoms of anxiety/ panic attacks since you went off. Are you on something different now that’s helping?

I’ve been getting a lot of help from Jim on this site and I’m so grateful but of course I’m very confused. I’m hoping to get the understanding of how to go about doing the liquid titration. I feel bad because my math is awful ....I don’t even understand all the numbers.

Thank you for the recommended site.

Continued smoothness for you!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Congrats!  I am not sure how to begin. I have already decreased from taking a whole .5 mg to a little over a half. This is from April I have done this. I can’t get it any lower without feeling extremely shaky. And not able to think straight. Suggestions?
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Hello Silver Girl,

It is wonderful to read success stories like yours...It gives hope, specially to long time users like me.

But you did a quite fast taper, didn't you?

I'm in my withdrawl process too (90% less than the original dose) and me too look at the world in a different way: colours brighter and precise. My mind and speaking pace are faster. I am starting to sleep deeper (with more vivid dreams!!).

Even tough most of my symptoms are still present, I am very happy of leaving behind the benzo poison!! SO HAPPY...

All the best to you.

 

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Silver Girl, Thank you soo much for your inspiring story.  Your pharmacist was correct in stating that these drugs cause more problems than they help.  I only took Klonopin as described by my psych .5 mg twice a day.  It did help my anxiety for years.  I did not want a benzo keeping from the joy of friends and family as it did.  I've had 3 tries to get off between Oct 2017 and today.  I took my last dose last Saturday and just pray that I can be strong.  What's happening to me is that I can't think of the word I want to say when having a conversation.  Simple terms seem to be out of my reach - I feel like I'm in a fog, I feel sick and nauseaus most of the time - I can't believe that withdrawal from what I felt was a small dose could make me feel so bad.  Again, thank you for sharing a wonderfully healing journey, and I hope that I can feel the joy that you do.  I would be so grateful.
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Angelinnny555,  I started my taper from .5 mg k at the same time as you, but reduced by .002 mg a day, and now am reducing .001 mg a day.  I am at .023 now, with 23 days to go.  It has not been easy, but  I recommend a daily liquid micro taper the rest of the way for you.  I am a member of the Below .125 mg klonopin club; you might check it out.  We are a small group and not very active, but someone will help, I think.  The youtube video I used for my taper has been removed, and I am hesitant to advise you exactly how to do the dlmt.  You could also go to the tapering plans section of this website.  Good luck!

 

Flibberty,

Can you please tell what was your mg when you switched from .002/day  to .001/day reductions? Did you ever need to hold?

Thanks

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  • 1 month later...
Thanks for sharing silvergirl very informative for me as I near the end of thesixth week of my hopefully benzo free life  :smitten:
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Hello, to anyone reading this.  I am trying to respond to more recent posts.  Having a problem nagotiating this site as I am new here.  Congratulations to those who got off whatever perscription drug you were on.  I've been on Lorazepam for over 27 years.  Maybe I am one off the lucky ones because as I read I now see how devastating this problem is.  I think sometimes about how I got here.  Spending retirement  in (WD) is not fun.  I considered a rehab facility because I was forced in a fast taper it's now harder to get this drug.  I see most took Valium, or Xanax.  I actually tried those back in the day but they didn't control or even help a full blown panic-attack, for me, anyway.  I remember my Mother (rip) gave me a Valium,  during a panic-attack.  She must have been on them omg.  For those addicted to these drugs, blessings. My drug is Lorazepam.  Down to 1mg and holding.  Good for an old geezer !Us old folk are tough cookies. Hey, we got through the 60's alive.  lol If I can get to .05 I consider myself successful.  I am terrified that the panic-attacks will come back.  I always felt (different) because of them.  Well, have a pleasant day everyone.  BB is a great place. :smitten:Let it be a distraction. Thanks everyone for writing and sharing your story.  Lilly21
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