Black depression (help?!)

I'm 69 days post taper, and I've been in this deep, deep depression all this time. Ever since the first benzo.. I've never felt this kind of bleak, bleak meaninglessness & depression in my life before... I did experience "down" times as I have/had Anxiety Disorder and chronic fatigue (syndrome) before the benzo's. But -nothing- like this..

 

Will this ever end?

 

Nothing seems to help. My family is done with me...

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of withdrawal. You're probably still in acute withdrawal. I certainly had those thoughts, and there have been many here who have had them. DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. They are part of the process of healing. THEY WILL END. It might help to distract yourself immediately when you have one of those thoughts. If there is something you can do to "flip the switch," so to speak, it would help. You don't want to feed into those negative thoughts. Is there anything you feel comfortable doing? Playing games, talking to someone? You might call a helpline.

 

Maybe someone else will offer more than I can. But the thoughts do go. I had mine so long ago. They've been long gone, and good riddance to them!!!

 

 

Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of withdrawal. You're probably still in acute withdrawal. I certainly had those thoughts, and there have been many here who have had them. DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. They are part of the process of healing. THEY WILL END. It might help to distract yourself immediately when you have one of those thoughts. If there is something you can do to "flip the switch," so to speak, it would help. You don't want to feed into those negative thoughts. Is there anything you feel comfortable doing? Playing games, talking to someone? You might call a helpline.

 

Maybe someone else will offer more than I can. But the thoughts do go. I had mine so long ago. They've been long gone, and good riddance to them!!!

 

Thank you for the reassurance, I will try to remember this and do my best distract ..with music making and video games. But it just feels so bleak and cuts through everything I do.

 

During which point did it lift for you? As well as the dr/dp??

I can't remember when the suicidal ideation lifted. It was years ago (I've been in this a long time). I don't remember it lasting very long. The DR seemed to last a couple of years (I've made a lot of mistakes and kindled on a drug before I even started on benzos). The DP was only a short while. The DR finally faded away, like a black and white movie turning to color. It was odd. Everything looked unreal, like I was in a movie while it was going on. Never had that sensation before.

Whenever I feel the depression come on that intensely, I promise myself I will make it to the next day.  And reach out, like you have done.  Reassurance goes a LONG way.  Congratulations being 69 days out.  You’re doin it!

I'm 69 days post taper, and I've been in this deep, deep depression all this time. Ever since the first benzo.. I've never felt this kind of bleak, bleak meaninglessness & depression in my life before... I did experience "down" times as I have/had Anxiety Disorder and chronic fatigue (syndrome) before the benzo's. But -nothing- like this..

 

Will this ever end?

 

Nothing seems to help. My family is done with me...

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

 

It's very rough.  Hang in there.  It completely lifted for me for quite awhile.  Suffering again, but due to heavy triggers, I think.

I'm 69 days post taper, and I've been in this deep, deep depression all this time. Ever since the first benzo.. I've never felt this kind of bleak, bleak meaninglessness & depression in my life before... I did experience "down" times as I have/had Anxiety Disorder and chronic fatigue (syndrome) before the benzo's. But -nothing- like this..

 

Will this ever end?

 

Nothing seems to help. My family is done with me...

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

 

It's very rough.  Hang in there.  It completely lifted for me for quite awhile.  Suffering again, but due to heavy triggers, I think.

 

How long before that lifted period began?

I'm 69 days post taper, and I've been in this deep, deep depression all this time. Ever since the first benzo.. I've never felt this kind of bleak, bleak meaninglessness & depression in my life before... I did experience "down" times as I have/had Anxiety Disorder and chronic fatigue (syndrome) before the benzo's. But -nothing- like this..

 

Will this ever end?

 

Nothing seems to help. My family is done with me...

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

 

It's very rough.  Hang in there.  It completely lifted for me for quite awhile.  Suffering again, but due to heavy triggers, I think.

 

How long before that lifted period began?

 

For me, 4 1/2 months after last benzo (cold turkey, then detox), but my case probably could not have been handled medically worse than it was.  When it lifted, it truly was immediate, woke up one day with it all gone (without anything wonderful or different happening in my life to affect such dramatic change).  It was so nice, can't wait for it to lift again.

I have this. Not sure what to do other than wait.

 

One thing I notice is that writing about what I have been through seems to help a bit as does doing some campaigning on ME/CFS or Benzos even if it is just moving stuff around a Twitter - I like sending info to medical #s...

 

It is ME Awareness week this week. Are you engaging with that at all on social media?

 

Also giving whatever support you can to other people seems to help I find.

 

And, although I was very dubious, I am finding forcing myself to do the short gratitude meditation on the ‘Stop Breathe Think’ app pays off a bit.

 

These things are often not possible when deep in the black maw of it but just when you can maybe they will help.

 

 

I can't remember when the suicidal ideation lifted. It was years ago (I've been in this a long time). I don't remember it lasting very long. The DR seemed to last a couple of years (I've made a lot of mistakes and kindled on a drug before I even started on benzos). The DP was only a short while. The DR finally faded away, like a black and white movie turning to color. It was odd. Everything looked unreal, like I was in a movie while it was going on. Never had that sensation before.

 

Ca you explain the difference between DR and DP for you Terry? I’m happy to hear you’re doing a bit better btw 👍

I'm 69 days post taper, and I've been in this deep, deep depression all this time. Ever since the first benzo.. I've never felt this kind of bleak, bleak meaninglessness & depression in my life before... I did experience "down" times as I have/had Anxiety Disorder and chronic fatigue (syndrome) before the benzo's. But -nothing- like this..

 

Will this ever end?

 

Nothing seems to help. My family is done with me...

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

 

It's very rough.  Hang in there.  It completely lifted for me for quite awhile.  Suffering again, but due to heavy triggers, I think.

 

How long before that lifted period began?

 

For me, 4 1/2 months after last benzo (cold turkey, then detox), but my case probably could not have been handled medically worse than it was.  When it lifted, it truly was immediate, woke up one day with it all gone (without anything wonderful or different happening in my life to affect such dramatic change).  It was so nice, can't wait for it to lift again.

 

So it came back??

So it came back??

 

Yes, FakeItTilYouMakeIt, it came back, but after some major triggers too.  I should also mention I really had no choice but to agree to two cortisone injections for an orthopedic issue and stomach meds and UTI antibiotics which are all known to cause depression as well.  Down to Pepcid only now which is the only medicine pill I take whatsoever now (as I take basic nutritional supplements and a daily probiotic capsule), but still depressed, with GI issues still.

 

I will not take an antidepressant.  For me, the depression lifted before without an antidepressant.

I can't remember when the suicidal ideation lifted. It was years ago (I've been in this a long time). I don't remember it lasting very long. The DR seemed to last a couple of years (I've made a lot of mistakes and kindled on a drug before I even started on benzos). The DP was only a short while. The DR finally faded away, like a black and white movie turning to color. It was odd. Everything looked unreal, like I was in a movie while it was going on. Never had that sensation before.

 

Ca you explain the difference between DR and DP for you Terry? I’m happy to hear you’re doing a bit better btw 👍

 

DR, to me, was like walking around and not being a part of anything. It's as if I was in a movie, playing a character. I couldn't connect with the real world. There always seemed to be a film around everything. Very uncomfortable feeling. I think the lack of emotions didn't help anything either.

 

DP was that feeling of looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I used to think that was another woman staring back at me.

 

It's uncomfortable just thinking about this, but it's all gone now. Thank you!

I am at 17 mos. and having a wave of frightening and horrible depression. It's been a long time since it was this bad.  All we can do is hold on until it passes.  I've been told by an expert that it is 'organic', and 'chemical'.  Sure feels that way.  Just yesterday I was feeling great.  :-(

Same here Gutsy. It’s so black, nothing makes me happy, thoughts are intrusive, I feel shame in everything. It’s really bad right now. You’re not alone.

Seems this lousy Benzo stuff just sucks the life out of us. Has been an abject nightmare - depression being the most pervasive symptom. Self esteem flattened - not a damn thing I can find redeeming about myself amidst the intrusive clamour. But that's just me - is different for each person. So sorry it's going on in your mind - it's not small potatoes by any standard. If there is a flicker of light is that it doesn't last - it must come to and end at some point - sooner, hopefully, than later . . .