I screwed up

I really screwed myself over guys. I was active a little bit on here 2.5 years ago while going thru clonazepam withdrawal, prescribed by my doctor for anxiety and trouble sleeping along with lexapro (really a whole ton of out of control work stress), but regardless, I was in a bad place. I worked my butt off during withdrawal to get healthy so that I could finally have a baby. I went thru all the horrific symptoms that everyone describes but refused to let it ruin my life. I continued working the whole time, got into triathlon training, ate healthy, developed a ton of coping mechanisms, and eventually got better. I got pregnant once I had been back to normal for a few months, and had a beautiful baby girl. The first 2 months of motherhood were wonderful, but my baby had colic and woke frequently all night to nurse. Slowly the sleep deprivation began to build and I slowly became an anxious mess, unable to sleep. My husband also basically had a nervous breakdown at the same time and became unable to help. I went back to work and thats when things really hit the fan. After struggling mightily for a couple months, I wound up in the ER after 4 nights of being unable to sleep, feeling like I was dying. I was given an ativan shot and felt at peace and slept well for the first time in months. I was sent home with 20 doses of ativan and told to start lexapro again. Of course I was heartbroken and felt like a big huge failure...i had worked so hard to get thru withdrawal before and to have a healthy pregnancy. But I felt like I had to do something to keep myself going and sane, especially with my husband non functional. I only took 14 doses of the ativan while getting used to the lexapro, last dose was 3 weeks ago. Been on lexapro 3 months. Starting 2 weeks ago I felt benzo withdrawal kick in, and it's horrendous. All over muscle pain (especially neck), TMJ pain with clicking jaw, tense sleep, night sweats, anxiety (just annoying, I can manage it), poor sleep, tinnitus, and very red bloodshot painful eyes. I'm really upset that just 14 doses over 1.5 months could make me so ill. Or maybe I'm wrong and this is all lexapro side effects that decided to show up after 3 months? Meanwhile my husband is still struggling. I'm so scared I will be in withdrawal again for months, years, or forever since I already damaged my brain previously. Worst of All, I don't get to fully enjoy my baby because I feel so miserable

I know the feeling and this is just my opinion for for your sake and the long term sake of your daughter get off everything and wait I out. You’ll only end up where you were. I remember you. I reinstated, got off and now I’m having problems again. Whatever is what I have to say now. Endure the bad, enjoy the good, but give your girl a fully emotionally available mother. Can’t have that on Lexapro.

Maybe the lexapro isn't working and you need a different AD? Your situation would happen to anyone.. even someone who hasn't been through withdrawal so give yourself a break. Being a new mother is one of the hardest things to go through especially if you don't have help or haven't slept, plus it looks like you have other factors like your husbands breakdown as well. This would emotionally hurt anyone so don't feel guilty.

 

I honestly don't think its the benzos but of all the stress you've been through.. it's been three months and it looks like the medication isn't working, try switching to something else and see how you feel.  of course you can try some herbal remedies if you're not keen on using pills again. We're here to support whatever you decide.

I can't believe the level of hell I'm in after 14 doses over 1.5 months. I don't have it in me to go through another withdrawal. It's all so confusing. Yesterday was actually a really good day. Little to no pain or anxiety, good sleep the night before. Today is absolutely brutal with severe all over body pain, red burning bloodshot eyes, anxiety, and bad sleep last night. Total 180 for no good reason. What causes the eye issues and pain I wonder? I don't know what to do, I can't go thru this again. I have a 7 month old and just want to enjoy her.

Titanium1, I'm sorry you are so miserable.  I do think it is benzo withdrawal again.  Same thing happened to me.  I was off for 2 years and mostly healed when I reinstated while under personal stress.  Tolerance and interdose withdrawal set in so fast it made my head spin.  I thought because I took it just occasionally and a relative low dose, I could get away with it.  NOT.  It only took about the same number of doses you took over a few months before I felt the old familiar feelings.  I'm afraid the only way to truly be free is to stay off all drugs and let your brain and nervous system heal.  IMO, looking for answers with other drugs is simply a stopgap measure at best.  Sucks I know.  The good news is that it will pass.  I am now mostly healed with my life back.  You can get there too, and I hope it happens quickly for you.

 

She

Thank you for the encouragement. I also believe this is benzo withdrawal, and I also thought I could get away with a few small intermittent doses but I was very wrong. It seems as though it doesn't matter how long u take these drugs or at what dose, withdrawal is brutal regardless. Has anyone tried buspar? I want to have a plan in place in case I ever get overwhelmed with stress in the future. I would prefer no drugs of any kind ever again but I have to work and take care of my child, and staying home for months while I heal is not an option. Also, I found a probiitic supplement with valerian, melatonin and gaba that you take at night for relaxation and better sleep. Does anyone know if the gaba could be harmful to my healing? The 1st night I took it i had the best sleep I've had in a long time. The second night I had the worst sleep I've had in a long time. So I don't know what's going on. As far as those advising me to quit the lexapro...i plan to do this, but it will have to be slow and I won't start until I'm more stable. I can't risk any more fuel in the fire.

When u stop the benzo for the first time you needed to make sure to wait it out for your receptors to fully up regulate all of them, if there was still some receptors failed to up regulate from the first time u have a risk to kindle your brain and this time the withrawal whould be even worse don’t wanna scare you,I think u need a very slow tapering plan for both of the medication to got off of them,for your anxiety you really can look at the alternative treatment as u mentioned you don’t wanna waist your valuable time to theses medications.

I would NOT take a gaba supplement at all!!!! I had a horrific experience from one and it put me in withdrawal for a year!

Sometimes all it takes is one dose to send u back to square one. I vowed to myself never to even touch it with my fingers. This stuff is evil . I hope you truly don’t have to suffer nearly as long as i did. Love light and healing to you hun

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop blaming yourself. New motherhood is hard for any mother, any parent, any partnership. Add going back to work on top of that and it is no wonder that you needed help. Unfortunately when you asked for help, you were poisoned. That is NOT your fault! It sounds like you are very much on your own with the baby. Help would look like an occasional night nurse, someone to bring dinners, someone to talk to, someone to hold the baby while you shower. You asked for help, which was a smart and good thing to do. That is not a screw up. I try to remember the wisdom of "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". Turn off the suffering, and you will be able to go forward from where you are now.

 

On top of all of it, we are pressured to enjoy having a newborn. Some of it isnt enjoyable. It can be terrifying to have a helpless creature depending on you. Are any of the other kinds of help I mentioned above (or something else you might need) available to you now? You might be surprised who in your circle is willing to help if you asked. I once ended up crying on the shoulder of a neighbor I didnt even know because she asked how I was when walking by her house. She ended up coming to watch the kids for me several times for free.

 

Try to turn around the worries about having to do withdrawal again. What if you thought "I'm so lucky that I know why this is happening, and I know I will get better"? The ativan withdrawal may very well be brief after a few doses. You can also expect it to randomly come and go as you have experienced, but over time it will fade. After three months on the lexapro I wouldnt mess with it right now. That's a battle for another time. If you decide you want to taper it later, know that for me it was much more intense than benzo withdrawal but way way shorter.

 

I was so so so so so sad about missing time with my kids when they were young. A good friend told me to try really "breathing into the now". Forget the shoulds and what tomorrow might need from you, sit with your baby and just watch her face. Watch her eyelashes. Know that you are giving her everything she needs right now. You will be ok. You are ok.

 

I dont know if your husband is also getting on the med train with his problems, I hope not. As much as you can, encourage him to ask for help (from other people) and talk about how he feels. In general men suck at both of those things. It isnt your responsibility to fix him though. You have enough on your plate.

 

I hope this helps.

JKS

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop blaming yourself. New motherhood is hard for any mother, any parent, any partnership. Add going back to work on top of that and it is no wonder that you needed help. Unfortunately when you asked for help, you were poisoned. That is NOT your fault! It sounds like you are very much on your own with the baby. Help would look like an occasional night nurse, someone to bring dinners, someone to talk to, someone to hold the baby while you shower. You asked for help, which was a smart and good thing to do. That is not a screw up. I try to remember the wisdom of "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". Turn off the suffering, and you will be able to go forward from where you are now.

 

On top of all of it, we are pressured to enjoy having a newborn. Some of it isnt enjoyable. It can be terrifying to have a helpless creature depending on you. Are any of the other kinds of help I mentioned above (or something else you might need) available to you now? You might be surprised who in your circle is willing to help if you asked. I once ended up crying on the shoulder of a neighbor I didnt even know because she asked how I was when walking by her house. She ended up coming to watch the kids for me several times for free.

 

Try to turn around the worries about having to do withdrawal again. What if you thought "I'm so lucky that I know why this is happening, and I know I will get better"? The ativan withdrawal may very well be brief after a few doses. You can also expect it to randomly come and go as you have experienced, but over time it will fade. After three months on the lexapro I wouldnt mess with it right now. That's a battle for another time. If you decide you want to taper it later, know that for me it was much more intense than benzo withdrawal but way way shorter.

 

I was so so so so so sad about missing time with my kids when they were young. A good friend told me to try really "breathing into the now". Forget the shoulds and what tomorrow might need from you, sit with your baby and just watch her face. Watch her eyelashes. Know that you are giving her everything she needs right now. You will be ok. You are ok.

 

I dont know if your husband is also getting on the med train with his problems, I hope not. As much as you can, encourage him to ask for help (from other people) and talk about how he feels. In general men suck at both of those things. It isnt your responsibility to fix him though. You have enough on your plate.

 

I hope this helps.

JKS

 

Awesome post JKS.  Much wisdom and good advice there.

 

She

Has anyone noticed this trend...it seems the more and deeper I sleep the worse I feel the next day, mainly due to extremely sore and tense jaw, neck and back muscles. It seems I am holding my body extremely tensely while I sleep, but I'm not aware of it until I wake up the next morning. I didn't even know this was possible...i thought your muscles are supposed to relax while you sleep? I have noticed that if I take 2 tylenol before bed, I seem to sleep in a nice relaxed way and wake up feeling good. I heard that tylenol can have an anti anxiety effect, maybe this is why?

Blaming yourself won’t help. I know I reinstated for 2 weeks thinking a small dose is ok blah blah blah. I felt like an idiot, failure etc. I rode out the worst 10 days of kindled mess. When head cleared I vowed to move ahead with my coping skills and to never lean on a pill again. Every day is a lil better. Embrace the positive.

This thread is chock full of wise and compassionate posts. 

 

Titanium, nobody here is walking in your shoes.  You are bearing the brunt of all the stress in your life by yourself.  You sought and received medical/drug intervention to deal with your circumstances.  You discovered that “slippery slope” of medication to cope with life.  Now you know it doesn’t work.

 

ADs are just as bad as benzos.  Just as dangerous.  You are, most likely, suffering from benzo withdrawal alongside AD side effects.  You are in the thick of psyche drug hell.  Put a plan together by yourself, or with the help of a benzo-wise doctor (good luck finding one).  There is nothing you can do about the past.  You took enough of the benzo to call it reinstating.  For the majority of people who reinstate on this forum, it doesn’t go well.  Consider the possibility that the AD is playing a big part of how poorly you’re feeling.  I wouldn’t try a different AD in your shoes.  All ADs have side effects and a doctor could cycle you through trying hundreds of them and never find a good “fit.”  It happens all the time, this hamster wheel.

 

Have you considered what Marina said and entertained the option that getting off all drugs and going through the recovery process might be the one and final solution to reclaiming your life?  It’s a tough road but, quite frankly, the road you’re on right now isn’t easier.

 

Good luck to you and your husband and sweet baby.  You all deserve health and happiness.  Life throws us curve balls, but curve balls can be hit out of the park for home runs.

 

Sofa

Just a reminder, folks...

 

Guidelines Regarding the Giving of Medical Advice

 

BenzoBuddies is a mutual support community of non-medical professionals, helping those that wish to end their dependency upon benzodiazepines.

 

Although members are encouraged to relate their personal experiences, post options, and express opinions, it is inappropriate to urge other members into particular actions or inactions regarding their medical treatment. Although we are here to help those that wish to quit benzodiazepines, the decision to quit (or not quit) is for the individual to take in consultation with a suitably qualified medical practitioner.

 

By extension of the above principles, it would be inappropriate for members to attempt to 'diagnose' ailments of (or 'prescribe' treatments for) other members. Whilst it is permitted for members to discuss their wider medical problems and needs, especially as they relate to benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, it is important to understand the limitations of the BenzoBuddies community. Our focus is upon benzodiazepine withdrawal support; decisions regarding medical treatment are for individual members to take in consultation with a doctor.

 

Although our focus is indeed support, members are bound to have questions, will wish to discuss practical issues and problems, and share information. There is no limit upon reasonable discussion, but you should consider how your writing style might affect those reading your words. Since individuals are highly variable in how they react to benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, and some people taking benzodiazepines are more suggestible than they might be under different circumstances, you should avoid making blanket statements.

 

Contrast:

 

e.g.1 I've been a member here for some time now, and I have seen several members experience very pronounced withdrawal effects when they attempted a similar withdrawal regimen to the one suggested by your doctor. Have you discussed the possibility of tapering off more slowly?

 

e.g.2 Have you considered seeking the opinion of another doctor?

 

with:

 

e.g.3 Your doctor is wrong; you should taper no faster than 10% of your dose every 7 days.

 

e.g.4 Dump your doc - he's wrong.

 

Clearly, the first two examples understand the limits of what we can know, and respect the individual to determine their own health choices. The second two attempt to instruct others to follow particular actions, and would be unacceptable.

 

It might be appropriate, in some situations, to write in a more instructional style. Clearly, if a member is about to harm themselves (or someone else), or suggests something that would be universally considered as medically unsafe, a straight, instructional, unequivocal response is probably appropriate. Additionally, when writing about something formulaic, such as, for example, how to calculate a dose, or some other technical matter, then, of course, an instructional style is appropriate.

 

The purpose of these guidelines is to help members avoid unduly influencing others in decisions they should be taking for themselves in consultation with a doctor. Since our members have joined BenzoBuddies with the intention of quitting benzodiazepines, or would like more information to help them make an informed decision about future use, there really is no need to urge fellow members to end their use of benzodiazepines.

Challis and Titanium,

 

I hope I was not being prescriptive in any way.  I read the original post and my “take” on it was that Titanium tried an avenue that did not go well for her.  I brought up a non-drug option.  I don’t think that’s being prescriptive, but the quote from Colin you posted, Challis, really blurs the lines, if I am guilty of this.

 

I didn’t see anything inappropriate being posted on this thread.  I see people’s accounts of their own experiences; I see people offering options/suggestions; I see nothing but compassion for the OP; so I’m confused if I, or anyone else, has crossed the forum guideline rules.

 

Sofa

Hi Sofa,

I replied to your PM...happy to clarify here as well if you'd like.

Challis 

Hi sofa,

 

Your post was quite strident in its urging that Titanium1 should not try different antidepressants and should get off all psychiatric meds. Those kind of comments are against our rules. I note, though, that your comments were not the only ones which overstepped the mark.

 

I know that it is not always easy to strike the right balance between relaying your own experiences and opinions with unduly influencing others in decisions they rightly should make for themselves in consultation with a medical professional. But whatever misgivings you and other members might have about the medical profession (usually formed from your own personal, narrow perspective/experience or from self-selecting, non-controlled sources such as the wider membership of BB), it is not sensible for narrow perspectives (from anonymous, almost invariably 'unqualified'* sources) to replace professional advice from someone with all the pertinent information.

 

* Personal experiences does not equal 'qualified'.

Colin,

 

I agree that our opinions blur the lines between trying to be helpful and being “prescriptive.”  Obviously someone on this thread alerted the team to take action because he has a different opinion than some of us do about taking other medications to get through withdrawal.  Each member is traveling this road individually.  People reach out and beg for advice.  We all do our best to couch our responses gently, presenting disclaimers of “IMO” and presenting all sides of a debate.  How we really feel about a subject always seeps through.  It’s the nature of an argument pro and con.

 

Please know, Colin, most of us operate in the spirit of support.  Quite frankly, I don’t believe my way of navigating through this process is any more valid than someone else’s.  I guess I’m erring on the side of caution to abstain from taking other things to get through this.  That’s my choice.  Perhaps I’m just chicken.  I applaud every member on this forum for having the guts to endure this recovery, no matter how they do it.

 

Sofa

I haven't visited for a few days and was surprised to see all this activity on my thread. I appreciate all the posts and suggestions, I know everyone's heart is in the right place. Luckily I know better than to blindly follow advice without carefully considering each recommendation at length and listening closely to my body. I too am not a fan of antidepressants or pills of any kind really, but for now the lexapro doesn't seem to be hurting. My husband went on antidepressants for his breakdown, and they are actually helping him cope quite a bit. He was feeling constantly suicidal for weeks so I guess some pills for awhile are a heck of a lot better than death. I think society just expects too much out of people these days....you are expected to go to work on no sleep for weeks on end with a new baby at home and not have any issues with it. At least that's how it seems to me. And if you stay home, the average person can't afford their bills on one income because it costs so much to live these days. When I expressed to my boss that I was struggling with sleep deprivation, she said "well all the other moms working here did it and they did just fine". Talk about feeling like a loser that just can't hack it! Anyway, I plan to have another baby and I hope and pray that I don't get the sleep deprivation anxiety the second time. But I will be researching every non benzo option to help me in the mean time just in case!

Titanium,

 

You have a good head on your shoulders, even though all our heads seem to be a bit screwy these days.  You are considering all options.  I’m happy for your husband that he’s found something to help him.  Ultimately, his better state will help yours.

 

Bosses sometimes make off-handed remarks.  Take her comment as a compliment.  She has confidence in you that you will be fine.  She wouldn’t say that to someone she thought was really weak or in trouble.

 

Sofa