2 years, 3 weeks, 1 day ... and counting

I originally planned to update at 24 months, and then another week went by and then another and another ... I've started and stopped this update more times than I can remember but, I'll try again, paying no attention to landmarks or exact times. I guess that best represents where I am in recovery, I don't pay attention unless I think about it. I don't consider problems I have now to be directly benzo-related insofar that if I get a bad night of sleep or have a panic attack, that benzos are to blame. Okay, to be fair, I am not the same person and I do not sleep or function the same but, I have to say that after month 24 came and went, things did indeed begin to really gel.

 

I still get waves, yes, but they're so few and far between, that I only recognize them as waves once I stop and really think, "is this a wave? Yes? Well, then it will certainly pass soon."

 

It's hard to drag out all the comparisons to really give you a clear idea of where I am versus where I was. You can read my blog and progress log, but it says the same things more or less as everyone else's. All my symptoms are gone, and what I retain is the lingering effects of the drug's PTSD-like aftermath.

 

The insomnia haunts me, even now. Sleep comes, it is typically deep and rich but it's never enough, and I still worry that it will go away again, even though I have but maybe one sleepless night every month or so. Sleep is a science to me in many ways. I am constantly striving to figure it out and make it better. Like, recently I realized I was waking up many times a night; it seemed every 15 minutes or so. In the morning, I would lay there and slowly doze off and my own snoring would wake me up. Snoring? I don't snore, but I do. I do snore, now. I'm 46 and sleep doesn't get any easier from here on out and stuff like snoring is going to happen. But, I figured out that if I elevate my head just a few inches, the snoring magically goes away. It's not the most comfortable way to go to sleep but damn if I don't sleep and stay asleep.

 

My confidence is coming back. My relationship is improving. I am once again expanding my friendship network. I have a bit of swagger, far more than usual and though the dark days still happen where the anxiety and depression rear their ugly heads. I do hold my head and find my way out. My job sucks, oh my god do I hate my job but, it does give me perspective. I could never have done this job, not in a million years when I was recovering so, go me.

 

When I was deep in my benzo taper and recovery, things were pretty simple. Just point myself forward and keep going. Everything was awful but I knew nothing else but that and so that's all I had to focus on. Now, it's a lot more varied and complicated. My life is full of I wishes. I wish I was the person then that I am now, but even that's too limiting because I know I have a lot further to go.

 

In many ways, I'm only really now starting to enjoy the fruits of recovery. My emotions have returned and I'm still surprised by them, and I work to reign them in and not let them control me. I realized not to long ago that, every bad decision in my life, and there are many, were precipitated upon an emotional reaction. Years, nay decades of drug use have stunted my emotional growth and I'm only starting to really understand that, faking it isn't enough. I really have to have control. I really have to own my feelings and respond appropriately. I cannot allow them to make decisions for me, no matter how upset and uncomfortable I am.

 

This is not easy, at all, but they represent the boldest steps I've taken in my long march out of hell.

Congratulations...it sounds like you've come a very long way. And thank you for a thoughtful, brave post.

 

I'm sure you'll only see even more improvements from here on out... Wishing you a beautiful life.

 

Warmly,

Lara

Congratulations! Enjoy! 😀😀😀

Thanks so much for coming back to give us an update and CONGRATS on making it past the 2 year mark! That's huge. I'm at 18 months and I know what you mean about sleep. It seems sleep is the last thing to recover completely... Hope you continue to feel better and better

Congrats, happy to hear you are doing so well! Looking forward to being 2 years and where you are

This was wonderful to read, thank you and congrats on taking your life back.

congrats on 2 years+ man!!!

Congrats...You'll continue to get better.