100 Days Benzo-Free!

This marks day 100 of being benzo-free!

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm anxious. Despite all of the tough emotions, I'm proud of myself!

I was told by many doctors and nurses that I canNOT be going through withdrawals. However, I was on Ativan (1.5-3mg/day) and Clonazepam (1-4mg/day) for 11 years due to a seizure disorder. While I continue to have a lot of fear, anxiety, and depression, I can say that I am confident in knowing that I'm still dealing with withdrawals. This actually helps me to realize it and acknowledge it. It also helps me know what to say to the next doc or nurse who says that the benzos should be out of my system, and that I should be better. Well, my brain didn't change overnight, so why should it heal overnight? 

I honestly never thought I would make it to this mark with the intense fear that I developed as well as the depression and anxiety. I've had to dig deeper than I have ever dug before to find the smallest glimpses of hope. Honestly, trekking to Mt. Everest was easier.

Compared to January 10, 2018, I would say that most of my numerous symptoms have gone away. The tinnitus and light/sound sensitivity come and go, but they are nowhere near as bad as when I first began my taper. However, the depression and anxiety continue to hang around no matter how much I exercise, eat right, sleep, or distract myself. I do have to admit that exercising and changing my diet has helped alleviate some of the symptoms.

How did I get to this point?

I will not lie, but I've had to rely on social media for support. I also had to go as far as checking myself into the hospital as I had to seek help. Also, my therapist has been above and beyond supportive of my withdrawals and gives me hope, because she won't stop fighting with me. 

While most days continue to be a struggle, I'm not lying on the ground crying and screaming for most of the day. I tapered fairly quickly, so I'm learning to give myself grace.

My suggestions to those struggling with the thought of starting a taper or who are in the process of tapering:

• Learn coping skills!!! - These literally saved my life.
   
  
• Have at least one person who believes you and in you and will fight night and day with you!
  
• Find distractions to keep your mind busy during the difficult times.
  
• Keep moving!
  
• Journal everything! Your symptoms, your coping skills you're using, what you're eating...EVERYTHING!
  
• Make a calendar and color in your days with how good/bad they are so you can see if there are any patterns or to see if you're making progress each week.
  
• Don't be hard on yourself if you mess up in any way. Each day is a new day - for some, it may be every breath is a new beginning.
  

Keep fighting, benzo warriors! I have the smallest bit of hope at the moment, and that's a lot more than I had only a week ago and enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other! I truly want to thank each and every one of you on here for sharing your stories - both the good and not so good. Each story truly gives me HOPE to keep fighting each wave that I crash into. No matter where you're at on your journey, you are all rock stars in my eyes!

-hope4hope

This is such a positive post! You have such a great attitude and are to be congratulated for all the work it took to get here. It is hard when so many people don’t understand, but we do here

Take care,

JKS

This marks day 100 of being benzo-free!

 

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm anxious. Despite all of the tough emotions, I'm proud of myself!

 

I was told by many doctors and nurses that I canNOT be going through withdrawals. However, I was on Ativan (1.5-3mg/day) and Clonazepam (1-4mg/day) for 11 years due to a seizure disorder. While I continue to have a lot of fear, anxiety, and depression, I can say that I am confident in knowing that I'm still dealing with withdrawals. This actually helps me to realize it and acknowledge it. It also helps me know what to say to the next doc or nurse who says that the benzos should be out of my system, and that I should be better. Well, my brain didn't change overnight, so why should it heal overnight? 

 

I honestly never thought I would make it to this mark with the intense fear that I developed as well as the depression and anxiety. I've had to dig deeper than I have ever dug before to find the smallest glimpses of hope. Honestly, trekking to Mt. Everest was easier.

 

Compared to January 10, 2018, I would say that most of my numerous symptoms have gone away. The tinnitus and light/sound sensitivity come and go, but they are nowhere near as bad as when I first began my taper. However, the depression and anxiety continue to hang around no matter how much I exercise, eat right, sleep, or distract myself. I do have to admit that exercising and changing my diet has helped alleviate some of the symptoms.

 

How did I get to this point?

 

I will not lie, but I've had to rely on social media for support. I also had to go as far as checking myself into the hospital as I had to seek help. Also, my therapist has been above and beyond supportive of my withdrawals and gives me hope, because she won't stop fighting with me. 

 

While most days continue to be a struggle, I'm not lying on the ground crying and screaming for most of the day. I tapered fairly quickly, so I'm learning to give myself grace.

 

My suggestions to those struggling with the thought of starting a taper or who are in the process of tapering:

• Learn coping skills!!! - These literally saved my life.
   
  
• Have at least one person who believes you and in you and will fight night and day with you!
  
• Find distractions to keep your mind busy during the difficult times.
  
• Keep moving!
  
• Journal everything! Your symptoms, your coping skills you're using, what you're eating...EVERYTHING!
  
• Make a calendar and color in your days with how good/bad they are so you can see if there are any patterns or to see if you're making progress each week.
  
• Don't be hard on yourself if you mess up in any way. Each day is a new day - for some, it may be every breath is a new beginning.
  

 

Keep fighting, benzo warriors! I have the smallest bit of hope at the moment, and that's a lot more than I had only a week ago and enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other! I truly want to thank each and every one of you on here for sharing your stories - both the good and not so good. Each story truly gives me HOPE to keep fighting each wave that I crash into. No matter where you're at on your journey, you are all rock stars in my eyes!

 

-hope4hope

Thank u so much for your inspiring story.  You read a strong person and you give us hope, Hope