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15.5 months, MASSIVE ACUTE WAVE- Please help...


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Hey Buddies,

Sorry for the caps and dramatic subject line. Oh man, I am getting SLAMMED. Like, you think about reinstating slammed. I haven’t done anything different. Nothing to set it off. Eat well, take care of myself... all of it. I’ve seen a ton of crazy small windows of clarity come and go the last week. Then absolutely absurd symptoms. At times, it feels like it could just be a huge switch flip inside my whole system, like a shockwave and be done. But the last few nights- the brain anxiety, chemical storm, weak and floppy limbs, motion issues with television or computer screen, jelly legs and weird slow walking, super fatigue, agitation, seizurey brain feeling, rage (which I haven’t had since the first few months off), and adrenaline rushes (haven’t had these since the start too), and the one the really gets me- I feel like I could just pass out or fall over sensation... but I never have (again, a symptom from the older days), then all of the sudden I can feel some relief. In the middle of that!  I’ve been scouring BB for the last couple hours, praying that I’d see something that this is normal. I know 15 months is well within the range... I just get scared because at this stage you feel like it’s been forever, and the chemical fear, and benzo flu doesn’t help. Thx for any help. It almost feels like the wave to end all waves. I really wish this were true.

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I got slammed at months 11 and 21. It's slightly less bad with some symptoms this time (it's month 22 now and my wave hasn't lifted yet) and worse with others. All we can do is hang on and take things a day at a time and one day it won't be as bad. Hang in there...
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I’m 19 months out and in some kind of terrible wave. I’ve been it it for the last few months. The last few weeks have been the worst. The anxiety, adrenaline rushes, insomnia, dizziness...all of it back like it was during the initial withdrawal. I can’t help feeling like the brain is permanently damaged. I know it’s not good to think like this😫 I need to hear from some buddies who have had this and gotten over this hump!

New Girl

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It's normal to have an acute-like wave this far out, unfortunately. I get it, but it's not permanent damage. Look at it like the pain is your brain fixing what's currently not working properly. You're going to come through this. We all are.
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I got hit hard after a 2 month good period at 14 1/2 months till now at 16 1/2 months with the exact same symptoms you are having. I almost passed out yesterday when I went to the store and had to rush home to lay in bed. Way worse than acute. All my old symptoms are back times 10. I even told my husband last night I want to reinstate. He's like and go through this again no way honey.
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I hope it's not discouraging to see me write this at month 21+, but the same happens to me, every few months.  Right now I'm slowly crawling out of a horrible acute-like wave that lasted 18 days - indescribable torture, especially the mental stuff.  In my case, I'm close to 100% certain these acute waves are not caused by anything I do, but rather they 'just happen'/are a natural part of the healing process for some of us.  I'm REALLY hoping it's The Last Big Wave for us all.  Hang in there buddies.  :smitten:
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I had a huge wave from 14.5 - 17.5, slowly getting better over those 3 months but it was rough. I'm just now starting to have better days and feel like the worst is behind me.. (hopefully). it definitely happens to a lot of people.

 

 

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Wow.

 

I really appreciate all of you.  Seriously.  You guys and gals are awesome war companions. 

 

A few things...

 

BenzoBFree123

Please don’t be scared.  I was bedridden for months at the beginning; I’m not now.  So much has improved.  But, I think what makes it tough is that you feel better and instead of going from an 8 or 9 to a 10 and back again, you can go from a 3 to 10, and it feels like an 18 on the wavometer. 

 

Klungo,

Every time I write your name- Klingon from autocorrect.  Next time, I’m going to keep it and we can laugh.  Yes, friend, these waves are TOUGH right now.  As someone else said- I really hope we’re in the last major leg.  I said to my wife, “What else needs to heal?”  I’ve felt just about everything get better at a certain point, only to go back again.  I know there’s a lot that needs to heal; it just feels like it should be over by now.

 

NYCWaveRider,

Not discouraging at all.  You’re an encouragement to me to keep going.  I’m hoping that me going through this pattern now (being that I was on for a year or so), may be that I’m close... I hope so.

 

Addictionfairy,

I said the same thing to my wife last night.  It was more like: Am I going to get through this without benzos?  Pretty dumb statement when I think about it.  LOL.  But I felt like I was in hell.  The weird thing for me right now, like you mentioned, is that odd I might faint feeling.  I don’t have it this morning.  The afternoons moving into nights are SO BAD right now.  I almost dread the evening.  And as our other buddy said, I thought I was overdoing, but I don’t think I am.  I think this is just a wave and I have no control over it.  I actually thought I had a virus or something.  But, the more I explore it- I’m not sick.  Just BZ sick.

 

New Girl,

The adrenaline rushes were a surprise for me right now.  I haven’t had them since the beginning.  And what’s weird is, they really only come around sundown or evening.  They feel like they are also connected to my nervous system, not like at the beginning.  It’s almost like my nervous system, whatever it is doing, is messing with my adrenals.  Hard to describe.  There’s more of an electric response, anxiety connection.  If that makes any sense.  We press on.  You can do it.

 

The update for this morning...

Got up, showered, read my Bible, and went outside for a bit to do some yard work.  Off and on.  The fatigue.  Legs shake on and off.  The anxiety isn’t too bad, but there.  I feel like my body is on a “weak edge.”  Almost waiting for it to slam me.  Going to take CBD throughout the day today instead of just at night.  Small steady dose.  Thanks for all your encouragement.  Gotta get through this wave...

 

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Lalasingme,

Are you still bedridden?  Just wanted to say thank you for your encouragement.  You’re an example to others.  I saw another post of yours (I remembered your sig) and your attitude was just awesome, even though you were having a really tough time.  You just seemed to accept it. 

 

Thanks again.

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I dreaddd the evenings they get so bad I get relief from 12 or 1 to 5 or 6 and the rest right now is bad. Used to be better in the evenings but bad mornings it's changed so much from the first year which in my opinion was better than the second year so far.
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Maybe you did something accidentally to set it off. Fried food or something with alcohol in it. Tons of stuff has alcohol in it, hard to avoid.
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Addictionfairy,

That’s exactly how mine has been.  The mornings used to be horrendous around 1-5, maybe even later.  I can’t remember now.  That’s pretty awesome.  My mornings are actually quite well now!  But my evenings... Oh man.  Funny because I do remember when I would look forward to the evenings, because that was when I would get relief.  For me, it’s this strange time between 3:30 and around sundown.  Don’t know why.  I know the body temp goes up around then, as well as your hormones start to change as you move into evening.  Who knows...

 

Hootie,

Appreciate the message.  I don’t believe so.  I don’t eat fried foods, eat clean and am very careful.  I think it’s just what it is- a wave.  I appreciate the comment though- helped me to think through if there was anything.  I don’t believe so.  Hope you are well!

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Well, I’m pretty convinced this is a brutal wave. New symptoms popping up yesterday and today. I went outside and did a little yard work yesterday- slept horribly. My benzo belly has been going crazy. And I don’t know about you guys, but the whole vagus nerve thing and the connectivity between the nerves that run across your gut, up to your heart, and throat... I’ve had this issue off and on where the belly will quickly bloat out, then the breathlessness comes. If I twist, do ab work, the breathlessness comes. When the gut is angry, and I bend full forward to pick up something- same thing. Used to freak me out, thinking that it was my heart. But when I can exercise, walk up a hill, no problem whatever. I can actually feel the nerves doing this. Anyways, it seems that I just can’t do much of anything physical right now. So absurd at times how weak my limbs feel. Hope you all are well. Going to take it easy this week and hope this passes soon- and try not to freak out about it. This really may be one of the toughest ones I’ve had since acute.
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Benzo withdrawal is really scary thing. Nothing makes any sense. You can feel better and better only to be hit with terrible wave that will last for a month or months.

When something doesn't make any sense and it's not linear, there's really almost no purpose to talk about it.

The only linear healing that happened to me was between the end of the 3rd till the end of the 6th month off of diazepam. I was 80% better and then I took 1 paracetamol pill because of flu and destroyed my life. Now, whole 4 months after that setback nothing makes sense. It's getting worse and worse with better moments, but even now new symptoms are arising and they are becoming more intense from week to week. I'm hanging on to those brief moments or few hours when most of the symptoms suddenly subside.

 

The only really important things are that we must not lose hope never and that we must be very careful what we put in our bodies because damaged brain doesn't forgive any mistakes.

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I've read several places the second year is worse than the first and so far it's true with me. I'm so tired of not being able to hangout with family and friends or eat whatever I want. It's really getting old.
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I've read several places the second year is worse than the first and so far it's true with me. I'm so tired of not being able to hangout with family and friends or eat whatever I want. It's really getting old.

 

It completely drains whole life and everything positive from human being.

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I feel the exact same right now. Adrenaline surges with heart pounding and severe anxiety at 14 months out. I can't handle any stress whatsoever and I'm having a stressful weekend.

 

Sometimes we get hit with the worst wave before we have the best window. This certainly happened to me in December. I got hit with a wave where I thought for sure I was going to die and then I had a 10 day window afterwards until I accidentally had alcohol in my food.

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I went to take my state licensure test today for insurance sales and it was a small room that was very humid. Omg I started to feel faint and the words were moving. Summers coming and this heat intolerance is driving me nuts. If it's 20 degrees out I sleep with the window open and a fan. I'm soooo tired of this crap.
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BB's I don't know how you all are doing it. I'm in month 18 and I can barely get through each day. Just constant head pain / tightness... it stops me from doing anything positive. I'm better than I was but I've run out of steam to keep fighting. Hopelessness has set in hard in my camp. I feel for all of you and am unsure I'm going to make it but the lord knows I put in a damned good effort.

 

take care everyone...

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Me too colley

 

I'm so weak I can't get out of bed. I keep having flushing episodes like my body's shutting down. I don't know what to do.

 

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I hear you. I'm a week into month 20.. and I had 2 days close to 95% fri / sun and then monday was hell and today too. Things are better than they were but they are still very hard.
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