Feeling "mentally ill" again, worried it's not withdrawal.

I worry that it's not withdrawal, because I can't understand. It's all psychological. It just doesn't feel like organic anxiety. My mind just keeps returning to the same idea that I am broken, that I have no memory. My mind feels like it's in this constant rush and it makes it feel difficult to think. It's like I can't get away from this overactive mind and the intense feeling of doom that the thoughts bring. Thoughts that I don't want. I just feel really trapped in this.

 

I'd like to be able to breathe again and just enjoy a peaceful moment with a calm mind, like I used to have. I don't even really remember what that feels like. It feels like there is always a war going on inside my head. I have a difficult time relating this to anxiety, because I don't really have any other symptoms of anxiety, nor do I have a specific thing that I fear or fixate on. It's more of just.. a state that I am stuck in, that I've never had before all the meds.

 

I try to convince myself that this is withdrawal, but it's getting more and more difficult. I worry that I might be going insane or just trapped in some type of mental hell/torture because I am just broken or in a fragile state because of all the meds.

 

Is this withdrawal? Anyone else relate?

I feel with you, same with me. Often I ask myself is it me or withdrawal. But it is withdrawal. I have often talked with Baylissa Frederick woh also went through a horrible, Long withdrawal. She offers help now for benzo sufferers. You can find her on the Internet.

I always have to tell myself it's withdrawal.

I'm 5.5 months off Ativan now, have started tapering Effexor.

 

The fears and anxities are overwhelming. We have to wait them out!!!

For me it's a little of column A, a little column B. I don't find it helpful to try to distinguish the source of anxiety during this process. I break it down in my mind like so:

 

Fact #1: I have PTSD, which is the main source of my anxiety.

Fact #2: I took Valium for long enough that my anxiety eventually increased.

Fact #3: I am now in benzo withdrawal, which is also causing anxiety.

 

I truly hope that I will feel less anxious when I am off the Valium. However, I also try to remain realistic and remind myself that my anxiety will not magically disappear: the Valium and subsequent withdrawal were making it worse, but were not the cause. This means I will still need to manage anxiety when I have healed.

 

Of course, as with just about everything here, YMMV. Buddies who were not anxious before they began taking benzos will have different experiences as they work to become "normal" again. I don't have a "normal," so I have to build one.

 

The good news is that I continue to learn coping mechanisms as I go, and I'm optimistic they will help me during and after withdrawal, regardless of the anxiety's source.

 

I hope you find some relief, LiveAboveIt. Hang in there!

 

As usual LAI, I relate to everything you’re going through to a tee. Just this morning I was in a Wholefoods parking lot shaking and crying and filled with confusion and intrusive thoughts.

For me it's a little of column A, a little column B. I don't find it helpful to try to distinguish the source of anxiety during this process. I break it down in my mind like so:

 

Fact #1: I have PTSD, which is the main source of my anxiety.

Fact #2: I took Valium for long enough that my anxiety eventually increased.

Fact #3: I am now in benzo withdrawal, which is also causing anxiety.

 

I truly hope that I will feel less anxious when I am off the Valium. However, I also try to remain realistic and remind myself that my anxiety will not magically disappear: the Valium and subsequent withdrawal were making it worse, but were not the cause. This means I will still need to manage anxiety when I have healed.

 

Of course, as with just about everything here, YMMV. Buddies who were not anxious before they began taking benzos will have different experiences as they work to become "normal" again. I don't have a "normal," so I have to build one.

 

The good news is that I continue to learn coping mechanisms as I go, and I'm optimistic they will help me during and after withdrawal, regardless of the anxiety's source.

 

I hope you find some relief, LiveAboveIt. Hang in there!

 

I agree its a little from each of those areas.

Fact I 

Fact 2 

fact 3

 

Over time it becomes less intense without a need to identify where it is coming from.

 

Fear ( False. Evidence. Appearing Real ).

 

Fear creates many hurdles for us to overcome and allow the healing to happen.

 

Distraction helps often.

 

Hello,

It took me 1.5 years after stop taking Valium+,  now I feel  110%  normal,  the secret is  :

 

"no avoidance" 

 

write what are your triggers to feel that, then go after them every day, look for them until your mind got tired, 

 

it wont happen overnight, it will be slowly,  but  you will feel the progress.

 

remember:  Our body is wired  and all the connections end in our brain,  and the brain is now just scanning all day what happend in our body and mind,  distraction is a must, 

best distraction:    clean your house, dishes without dishwasher,  wash your car,  wash your cloth manually,

go to the most scary place that you dont like, feel the real danger,  ride a bike  with funny dress. 

 

best shot:  stop stranger and make a prank, feel the different reactions,   

 

hope it helps, if not , It wont kill you,    lol

 

Manny

 

I have felt the same. Would crawl out of my skin, and just disappear. Feeling my thoughts were crazy, it would never be over. But now this has passed, and my symptoms are more physical. You will be better, although it is very tough at the moment.

I definitely feel this way. I wanted to start a thread just like this!! I am so scared it's not from Ativan and it's just depression and I need to change from Lexapro to something else.

How do we know it's the benzo use??, My thing is, I know I felt this way before I started the Lexapro. My world collapsed when I stopped taking the Ativan. When I took an Ativan when I was feeling so horrible all my symptoms went away. Is that proof it's the Ativan use that messed me up??

This is terrifying...absolutely terrifying trying to push through and knowing I could be like this for months more.

I see in your signature that you were in Pristiq. That's what my doc wants me to change to. Did it help your anxiety?  Did you wean off of it?

I worry that it's not withdrawal, because I can't understand. It's all psychological. It just doesn't feel like organic anxiety. My mind just keeps returning to the same idea that I am broken, that I have no memory. My mind feels like it's in this constant rush and it makes it feel difficult to think. It's like I can't get away from this overactive mind and the intense feeling of doom that the thoughts bring. Thoughts that I don't want. I just feel really trapped in this.

 

I'd like to be able to breathe again and just enjoy a peaceful moment with a calm mind, like I used to have. I don't even really remember what that feels like. It feels like there is always a war going on inside my head. I have a difficult time relating this to anxiety, because I don't really have any other symptoms of anxiety, nor do I have a specific thing that I fear or fixate on. It's more of just.. a state that I am stuck in, that I've never had before all the meds.

 

I try to convince myself that this is withdrawal, but it's getting more and more difficult. I worry that I might be going insane or just trapped in some type of mental hell/torture because I am just broken or in a fragile state because of all the meds.

 

Is this withdrawal? Anyone else relate?

 

I feel the same way sometimes... especially the other night when I took Gabapentin along with my Clonazepam taper.  The Dr. told me it would help relax my mind when in fact it ramped my mind up.  I felt I was going crazy, like I was broken and at one point the thought came to me that I needed to check myself into a psych hospital.  I truly believe that these meds can really screw up our thinking and when we are changing meds, tapering, adding things, etc. we are changing things in our brain... Do I think it will be this way forever? I really don't because I have seen people change, heal and become new after detoxing.  It feels like it is going to last forever when you are in the middle of that torment but that is a lie... it is just a feeling and feelings are neither right or wrong  We will get better... Be kind to yourself. 

 

Texfernand: Certainly, it has been a few weeks, since your post.

Your advice can be very tough, also for those who have no withdrawal. Our brain, and the nervous system, has been demolished, and will be built up. This means severe anxiety, and chemical terror. Going out, brings a lot of new impressions, making you immediately getting really bad.

Getting too big demands, can make many feel bad. You can get bad self-esteem, and experience that you are alone, in not being able to do what you propose.

 

I think, your requirements are far too big, and only make you feel bad. After a while, you also forget certain things during the withdrawal, and everything feels so much easier. When you sit in the shit, you don`t want to meet a stranger, and do something stupid. That's the last thing you would do. You also don`t do that, if you are healthy.

I'm thankful that this thread was started.  My terror in withdrawal runs very deep, and is often so intense that I'm left crumbled on the floor in tears.  And the most terrifying thought of all is what if I'm not in benzo withdrawal at all, and this is all due to a severe mental disorder.  If it is withdrawal, at least I would know for sure that it is temporary, and I will fully recover.  But if it's not withdrawal, how can I ever possibly recover from such a severe state?  The reason I am so plagued by this thought is because before I ever took benzos, I suffered from occasional periods of severe anxiety.  Sometimes it would last a few weeks, but it would always calm back down.  So for those of us who suffered from anxiety before taking benzos, we want to know what the source of our suffering is.  But how can we possibly determine that?

Is this withdrawal? Anyone else relate?

 

It is withdrawal, but sometimes it's hard for us to believe it because we feel like we're going crazy.  When the mental stuff hits, I usually try to identify it with some other withdrawal symptom(s) that are more tangible.  For me it's always perceptual distortions (things flickering/pulsating and jumping at me), I've never had that in my life until benzos, and they are fairly common in benzo withdrawal.  So then I reassure myself that it is indeed benzo withdrawal and I'm not mentally ill.

most common anxiety thought: what if this is not WD?

 

I think ive asked it to myself 10000000000000000000 times during the last years. The true is that the symptoms are going away and the only thing I do is exercice and practice good thoughts.

Is this withdrawal? Anyone else relate?

 

It is withdrawal, but sometimes it's hard for us to believe it because we feel like we're going crazy.  When the mental stuff hits, I usually try to identify it with some other withdrawal symptom(s) that are more tangible. 

 

That is an excellent strategy.  I'm not able to do that because I don't have any physical/tangible symptoms, with the exception of brain fog.  That long list of physical symptoms - I've never had any of them at all.  So it's easy for me to worry that it's an anxiety disorder that has gotten so severe that it has disabled me.  But I didn't mean to make this thread about me.  Anyone else have all or almost all mental/emotional symptoms?  How about you, LiveAboveIt?  Thanks.  -Jeff 

I totally relate, Jeff. All of my symptoms are psychological in nature, so I have a difficult time relating it all to withdrawal, even though I never had any of these issues before the withdrawal.

Dont you have tension in neck and head?

I'm sorry you are still suffering so much, LiveAboveIt. But didn't you get some windows, or some lessening of symptoms? That should be your proof! Apologies if I am wrong. Not everyone gets windows, and some, like us, are still going through a very rocky ride at a year out.

 

The "fragile state" you describe doesn't sound any different from other accounts I read on BBs. Yes, it is withdrawal! Your receptors (GABA, dopamine, serotonin etc etc) need to upregulate still. Your thoughts don't make sense to you, you don't recognise yourself... it is all withdrawal. Your brain is going through temporary "imbalance" caused by meds and CT off them - but your brain knows how to fix this - and is fixing things as we speak. Does it take longer than we ever hoped? It sure does. You said it yourself: you never had that before meds. So chances are that you will NEVER have that once you heal.

 

I only realised today that you too were polydrugged. And that you CTed off everything. That doesn't mean you will never heal, it may just require a bit more work from your Brain and CNS. Plenty people have gone off incredible psychiatric drug cocktails and have recovered. Perhaps it will take a bit more time for us... but we do heal.

 

Have you heard of Laura Delano? She was on 5 meds for something like 13 years and CTed off I think, or rapid tapered. She says it took her 18 months to start getting better... but she recovered. I find her story very encouraging:

 

I bet seeing the one-year mark is psychologically tough when still going through so much of an ordeal but hang onto every little sign of healing - write those signs down, keep this handy to read over and over, every time you start doubting. Things will start getting better, LAI. It is inevitable!

 

Hugs 

Julz xx

Dont you have tension in neck and head?

Fortunately, I don't have these symptoms.  Actually, I'm sure I do have tension, but nothing that seems abnormal to me.  Thanks.  -Jeff

Here is another reason why I think it's so important to know whether our symptoms are from withdrawal or not.  It dictates what the best treatment options are.  For example, if I conclude that my symptoms are all or almost all from withdrawal, then I know that the only cure is time, and I won't bother with antidepressants (or any medications for that matter), counseling, therapy, organic kale and fish oil smoothies, etc.  If this isn't really withdrawal, or withdrawal only accounts for a small portion of my symptoms, then I will spend the time, money, and effort to chase after my health.  A lot of the wacky physical symptoms are pretty easy to attribute to withdrawal, but when one's symptoms are all mental/emotional, it's an absolute nightmare trying to decipher them!  -Jeff

I agree with you there, Jeff. The mental symptoms are what scare me, especially lately. The fear is overwhelming, but it isn't really fear about anything in particular. I just feel really out of it and I keep getting lost in my head. My mind is out of control and I'm unable to control my thoughts or think rationally. It's such a strange place to be in, because I've always been a very level-headed, rational person. I've always felt like I was very much in control and have never had issues with my thoughts or the way that I think.. But now I'm constantly left with this sensation that I could lose my mind and go insane at any moment.. It's just this constant feeling that I'm gripping tightly to my sanity and my brain wants me to feel as though everything is at stake. I find myself fixating on and being afraid of every sensation, thought, idea etc. It's so unlike me and I haven't found a way to battle through it, all we can really do is accept and continue to live on.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I will think of you.  Meanwhile, have you considered outside help?  You are so young, and everything is ahead of you.  You need not suffer so much.

I agree with you there, Jeff. The mental symptoms are what scare me, especially lately. The fear is overwhelming, but it isn't really fear about anything in particular. I just feel really out of it and I keep getting lost in my head. My mind is out of control and I'm unable to control my thoughts or think rationally. It's such a strange place to be in, because I've always been a very level-headed, rational person. I've always felt like I was very much in control and have never had issues with my thoughts or the way that I think.. But now I'm constantly left with this sensation that I could lose my mind and go insane at any moment.. It's just this constant feeling that I'm gripping tightly to my sanity and my brain wants me to feel as though everything is at stake. I find myself fixating on and being afraid of every sensation, thought, idea etc. It's so unlike me and I haven't found a way to battle through it, all we can really do is accept and continue to live on.

 

This is me!!!!  I can so relate to this. You are not alone!!  And this gets stronger if the news is on the tv or someone puts on a show that is strange or something.

It's such a strange place to be in, because I've always been a very level-headed, rational person. I've always felt like I was very much in control and have never had issues with my thoughts or the way that I think. It's so unlike me and I haven't found a way to battle through it, all we can really do is accept and continue to live on.

OK, there we have it. This is not you.  Your history shows that this is not at all an accurate representation of you.  This has got to be the result of the chronic presence of Klonopin in your system for a very long time, which has caused your brain to undergo physical adaptive changes, and those changes can take a very long time to reverse themselves.  This, right now, is not you.  And this is not I.  But we are still in there, somewhere.  And we will return.  We have to believe the people in the success stories!  We need an extra-heavy dose of faith!!  Peace.  -Jeff

It's such a strange place to be in, because I've always been a very level-headed, rational person. I've always felt like I was very much in control and have never had issues with my thoughts or the way that I think. It's so unlike me and I haven't found a way to battle through it, all we can really do is accept and continue to live on.

OK, there we have it. This is not you.  Your history shows that this is not at all an accurate representation of you.  This has got to be the result of the chronic presence of Klonopin in your system for a very long time, which has caused your brain to undergo physical adaptive changes, and those changes can take a very long time to reverse themselves.  This, right now, is not you.  And this is not I.  But we are still in there, somewhere.  And we will return.  We have to believe the people in the success stories!  We need an extra-heavy dose of faith!!  Peace.  -Jeff

 

Good stuff here Jeff 👍