Hopelessness

I don’t have control over anything at all. Not even my own body or mind. I have felt hopeless for most of the past year. Almost every day and night for the past year. Actually it has been over a year now. Over 14 months and counting.

 

There were a few moments when I had some renewed hope like when I found BenzoBuddies and bought their tag line that everyone really does heal from this. I have no hope anymore. It has been completely crushed out of me and I have no idea how to get a sliver back. At first I thought it would be a few months of severe illness and was crushed after that passed. Then crushed after six months. Crushed after a year. Crushed after every attempt to alleviate even one symptom sent me into a soul crushing wave.

 

It's beyond a cruel joke that I feel like bugs are crawling on me and biting me already and I also have actual bugs in my home. Crushed after every failed attempt to deal with bugs. Crushed after three computer purchases and every single one came with a jacked up display that can’t be fixed because of a windows update or faulty graphics cards that may or may not ever be resolved by manufacturers. And the computer is my only real distraction from this constant misery.

 

Crushed after trying to make any improvement physically with supplements, hormones and literally anything besides Advil and having it do nothing or in most cases make me feel even worse which I didn’t think was possible.

 

Crushed by every single doctor visit and attempt to seek help. Crushed after begging every single dr to educate themselves about wd syndrome and not a single one did. I can’t be crushed anymore. There isn’t a single stitch of hope left in me.

 

Edit: Content

Hi Red Sky,

 

I was so happy to see that you were back, but so sorry that you’re in this terrible phase of, well it’s hard to say this word, recovery.

 

I’ve been where you are, and I felt hopeless every single day, and that was at 14 months off, as I recall. I literally thought I was simply not going to survive. I couldn’t even cry, couldn’t sleep, didn’t enjoy food.

 

I’m off 22 months now, and just recently I’ve been able to sleep (and oversleep!), wake up without terror, experience laughter and occasional joy, and enjoy food again. And I can drink coffee, which I never thought I’d be able to tolerate again.

 

I know it’s impossible to believe, but there’s still a lot of repairing that needs to be done, and it takes the brain a while to fix what’s broken. Although I still have a long way to go myself, I can tell you that I’ve made more progress in the last four months than I did in the whole first year and a half.

 

I wish there was a shortcut to massive improvement, but it’s just the way this miserable process goes.

 

Please don’t give up. More people here on BB care about you than you know.

 

Please take care of yourself.

Leslie 

I don’t have control over anything at all. Not even my own body or mind. I have felt hopeless for most of the past year. Almost every day and night for the past year. Actually it has been over a year now. Over 14 months and counting.

 

There were a few moments when I had some renewed hope like when I found BenzoBuddies and bought their tag line that everyone really does heal from this. I have no hope anymore. It has been completely crushed out of me and I have no idea how to get a sliver back. At first I thought it would be a few months of severe illness and was crushed after that passed. Then crushed after six months. Crushed after a year. Crushed after every attempt to alleviate even one symptom sent me into a soul crushing wave.

 

It's beyond a cruel joke that I feel like bugs are crawling on me and biting me already and I also have actual bugs in my home. Crushed after every failed attempt to deal with bugs. Crushed after three computer purchases and every single one came with a jacked up display that can’t be fixed because of a windows update or faulty graphics cards that may or may not ever be resolved by manufacturers. And the computer is my only real distraction from this constant misery.

 

Crushed after trying to make any improvement physically with supplements, hormones and literally anything besides Advil and having it do nothing or in most cases make me feel even worse which I didn’t think was possible.

 

Crushed by every single doctor visit and attempt to seek help. Crushed after begging every single dr to educate themselves about wd syndrome and not a single one did. I can’t be crushed anymore. There isn’t a single stitch of hope left in me.

 

Edit: Content

I had to jump in. No one could have helped me I was so messed up and my Dr gave up on me at 14 months and said "You should be healed by now. I have been through 57 months of hell. I can finally think, walk, drive, interact, etc. It takes time and more time. Do not look at what time it takes! You are healing. I was a zombie I felt that my head was not connected to my body. No sleep it goes on and on. Find something to do walks even if they are short. Trust that life will get better. I did or I would not be here helping you.

Oh yes, it sucks the life right out of your heart and soul. Here at 19 mo. I'm at possibly the lowest point yet. What it does to my self esteem undercuts anything I'd dare assume on my own behalf and the ensuing guilt that's rendered me a brainwashed wreck. I hear all of what is going on with you in being struck down every step of the way. It's certainly understandable that you would feel utterly defeated against any glimmer of hope - as it's been for me too. The whole thing has just been a freaking nightmare. I don't know what's kept me afloat but for BB. Otherwise, no chance I'd gotten this far.

Red Sky, I am so sorry you feel so hopeless, it just makes me  :'(, I followed your blog, loved reading it and your enthusiasm and you brought warmth and fun there, it made me feel good to read it. Also loved your kitty burritos.

 

I wish I could find something to lift you up at this time, I am at a loss for the right words, so please know that many here can feel your pain and so very sorry you have continued to feel bad.

 

Your posts about stinking made me laugh, until I read more about that and felt bad for you and the others that suffered. May tomorrow you wake up and things are better for you and hope to see you here again. I usually have words, but I am dry tonight. Please know that you are not alone and in time I hope that the dark veil you are under lifts. 💖 Peace and Hugs.

Sorry to hear you're in a bad place, Red. You are an important and valued member of this community. I feel exactly the same as you do today. I hope things change for us soon. Hugs. Gx

Hi Red Sky,

 

I am so sorry!

 

I was spending all of my time where you are before I reinstated and I am still spending a lot of time there and suspect I will be right back there as I taper down again.

 

I am finding Baylissa’s videos helpful. I don’t know if uou’ve looked at her site. https://baylissa.com/

 

Yesterday I emailed myself this short clip to watch whenever I need it : https://mobile.twitter.com/baylissatherapy/status/993621119688237062

 

In the past I have tried to kill hope completely but it is hard not to have any at all. You have posted on here so you are at least hoping to find some hope.

Hi Red Sky,

 

I am so sorry!

 

 

I am finding Baylissa’s videos helpful. I don’t know if uou’ve looked at her site. https://baylissa.com/

 

Yesterday I emailed myself this short clip to watch whenever I need it : https://mobile.twitter.com/baylissatherapy/status/993621119688237062

 

In the past I have tried to kill hope completely but it is hard not to have any at all. You have posted on here so you are at least hoping to find some hope.

 

I too find Baylissa.com excellent information too .

I read this post. I wish I could help. I’m unwell myself. Maybe there is a way we can help. I’m also suffering a lot. I left BB for a month and my world fell to pieces. I wasn’t very well before, but I was kind of stable. Now it’s really bad. I would be scared to leave this site forever. I need to remember what caused my problems. It’s difficult for me to read longer posts. But I’m sorry you’re suffering. I was hoping you would get well. Whatever you decide. I will remember you always.

I don’t have control over anything at all. Not even my own body or mind. I have felt hopeless for most of the past year. Almost every day and night for the past year. Actually it has been over a year now. Over 14 months and counting.

 

There were a few moments when I had some renewed hope like when I found BenzoBuddies and bought their tag line that everyone really does heal from this. I have no hope anymore. It has been completely crushed out of me and I have no idea how to get a sliver back. At first I thought it would be a few months of severe illness and was crushed after that passed. Then crushed after six months. Crushed after a year. Crushed after every attempt to alleviate even one symptom sent me into a soul crushing wave.

 

It's beyond a cruel joke that I feel like bugs are crawling on me and biting me already and I also have actual bugs in my home. Crushed after every failed attempt to deal with bugs. Crushed after three computer purchases and every single one came with a jacked up display that can’t be fixed because of a windows update or faulty graphics cards that may or may not ever be resolved by manufacturers. And the computer is my only real distraction from this constant misery.

 

Crushed after trying to make any improvement physically with supplements, hormones and literally anything besides Advil and having it do nothing or in most cases make me feel even worse which I didn’t think was possible.

 

Crushed by every single doctor visit and attempt to seek help. Crushed after begging every single dr to educate themselves about wd syndrome and not a single one did. I can’t be crushed anymore. There isn’t a single stitch of hope left in me.

 

Edit: Content

 

So well put - absolutely! I often times feel as though my best efforts are not only dashed but extinguished. It can be , , , no, is devastating to your better nature and I just want to go into a deep freeze until it's over - OMG. I so get your situation and it's like your soul is so fragile and ravaged, you feel it's happiness is absent from your soul - and you gotta wonder, what's left? Best hopes to/for you. Would like to touch base of the process, as time passes -

I read this post. I wish I could help. I’m unwell myself. Maybe there is a way we can help. I’m also suffering a lot. I left BB for a month and my world fell to pieces. I wasn’t very well before, but I was kind of stable. Now it’s really bad. I would be scared to leave this site forever. I need to remember what caused my problems. It’s difficult for me to read longer posts. But I’m sorry you’re suffering. I was hoping you would get well. Whatever you decide. I will remember you always.

 

Hi Estee, Nice to see you again, though, not under the conditions you are suffering from. So sorry has gotten so bad.