20 Months Off Today - Insomnia Reflection

Today marks being off of Benzos for 20 months.  It has been quite the ride.  Here are some observations I have discovered over the past 20 months.

 

1) Insomnia was my worst symptom by far.  But some other symptoms I had were terrible as well, Claustrophobia, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Sound Sensitivity to name a few.

2) My sleep slowly got better.  Lots of UPs and Downs.  I still get hit with an off night of only an hour or two of sleep at least once per month.  During those nights I feel totally "wired" like I did during the first 8 months of my WD.  Proof that complete healing can take a long time.  These Benzos sure can do A LOT of damage in a short amount of time.

3) Nothing worked for me for sleep Rx, OTC or Natural, so I just endured horrible insomnia until it got better.  I would avoid any Rx drug for sleep.  I know there are exceptions.  If you are one of those people, then you decide.  I am not here to shame anyone or make anyone feel guilty about how they feel they need to get past insomnia.  I do know that ALL other Rx drugs have their own side effects and possible WD risks. 

4) When I do get an off night, I almost always (99% of the time) get very nice sleep the next night

5) My sleep is still broken with lots of dreams.  I wake up a lot but usually fall back to sleep quickly.  Some nights I lay there for an hour or 2 before falling back to sleep.

6) WD has taught me how to COPE and have HOPE that it will some day mostly or completely resolve

7) Freaking out about not sleeping or Chasing sleep is futile most of the time and only assures that we won't get much, if any.

I learned I can function pretty darn well on little and sometimes no sleep.  I have not missed a day of work since March 2017.

9) Being positive and showing gratitude for any sleep helps you recover.  Being positive and showing gratitude for any improvement helps you recover

10) Giving insomnia the middle finger and just not caring helped me to recover and deal with lack of sleep way better.  I wasn't going to let insomnia "win."

11) I learned my recovery is unique to me and not to make someone else's recovery my recovery in terms of severity, time, etc.  Recovery can take a long time for some people.

12) Gradual improvements in sleep GREATLY increase your quality of life.  For me, going from an hour or two per night to 3-5 hours per night made a world of difference.  If a person says they recovered in 15 months, it doesn't mean it took that long for them to start sleeping/feeling better.

13) If you never had insomnia prior to taking Benzos, then there is a good chance it will mostly or completely resolve.  If you had insomnia most of your life, you will still be in a better position to deal with it after going through WD related insomnia.  Even insomnia that people had for a long time can get better.  Many people that have had non-Benzo related insomnia have recovered by not talking about their insomnia, not caring if they sleep or not, and not Googling anything about sleep.

14) I learned to not question my sleeping issues.  They are ALL Benzo WD related.  I slept very well almost all of my life.  A few bad nights caused me to go on Benzos. I thought if I didn't get 8 hours per night, something terrible would happen to me.  Not True.  8 hours of "REQUIRED" sleep every night is a MYTH!  I can function pretty well on a lot less and most others can too!

15) Time will heal you.  Every passing day on the calendar brings you one day closer to sleeping better.  Sure, it will still be up and down, but the trend will be towards UP.  It is easy to get discouraged when you have a bad night of little or no sleep and think your sleep will NEVER return.  It will.  Just give it more time.

16) If you take Melatonin or other OTC sleep aids, try to limit them to only a few times per week with the plan to eventually get off of them.

17) Nothing really ever worked for me in terms of CBT, sleep restriction, sleep hygiene, sleep music, etc.  That doesn't mean it won't work for you?  I don't think much of anything will help most people in the early part of their WD?  Early for most is 0-6 months.  I haven't tried anything OTC or natural to sleep with for well over 1 year.  I love the idea that I can fall asleep naturally without taking anything!  That advice is only for those that can accept it.

18) Insomnia sucks, but it won't directly kill you.  Your body will get all the sleep it needs before anything serious can happen.  I never even got sick, not even one time, since this started 20 months ago.

19) I don't have fatal insomnia.  Many times I thought I did.  You might too?  You don't.  It's all WD.

20) My Benzo damaged brain liked to lie to me a lot and tell me I wouldn't recover, I wouldn't get better and my sleep would never return.  All lies.

21) Western medicine knows very little about insomnia or sleep in general.  They base their recommendations on our fast-paced, microwave, drive-up, fast food mentality.  I never should have been prescribed Benzos after just a few nights of little or no sleep.  Sleep studies only check for apnea.  Sometimes narcolepsy.  Most of them are a complete waste of time and money, unless you do have apena, then a new CPAP machine can help.

22) Almost all doctors know nothing about Benzo WD and any related issues/symptoms, such as insomnia.  They are too quick to dismiss the idea of Benzo WD or say something completely ignorant such as it only lasts 4 days to 2 weeks, tops.  If it lasts longer then they say you have another "mental disease or issue" for which they want to prescribe even MORE Rx drugs.  Vicious circle that is all about the $$$$$.

23) The longer you have been on Benzos, generally speaking, the longer your WD will take.  AND Cold Turkey WD, generally speaking, lasts longer than a taper WD and the symptoms are more INTENSE.  That rang true for me.

24) Some people are way more sensitive to Rx drugs that other people.  I was one of those.  Reached tolerance in about 6 weeks.  Stupidly stayed on another 6 weeks.  That's when most of the damage occured, when I kept taking them after I reached tolerance.  If you have not reached tolerance, start a taper immediately.  Don't up dose.  Get off sooner rather than later.  You won't be sorry.

25) I lost a chunk of my life to Benzos that I can never get back, but learned a lot along the way.  The human body and mind are amazing.  We are "fearfully and wonderfully made."  You will get your sleep back.  Just be patient.  It takes a lot of time for some, but you will get there! 

 

PS:  Don't go to the ER (Emergency Room) after being awake for an extended period of time.  ER's are for stabilizing care, not insomnia.  Besides, they will just give you another drug to sleep with, and in most cases, it will be a BENZO.    They won't believe it is WD related and you run the risk of getting put in a Psych Ward?  Speaking of Psych Wards, almost all psychiatrists want to put you on more Rx drugs.  In their world, everything can be solved by medicating you.  I know... I went to four different hospital's ERs over a 6 week period and got the exact same treatment at everyone and was told by every ER doctor I saw that Benzo WD doesn't last for more than 2 weeks.  Yeah Right!  

 

About half of the people that take Benzos, regardless of the dose and length of time they have been on them can quit without any WD symptoms.  In the same light, many people have mild or very little WD or it doesn't last very long, so they never hang around on Benzo Buddies or bother to find it in the first place.  A lot of people that joined this forum end up feeling better and never hang around to help others or write a Success Story. 

Another GREAT INSPIRATIONAL post from ThEwAy!!!!!  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.... You are spot on!!!!!

Theway,

 

It's been wonderful to watch your progression as you've steadily marched towards recovery. You've borne your suffering with courage and strength and helped others with their healing journeys. You're a true inspiration.

 

MT

Very inspiring and informative post, thanks! I needed that after succumbing to the temptation of taking half a pill of Imovane tonight, having been off them for four days. Gosh, I feel like such a loser... 

MTfan

 

Thanks for the positive and encouraging words.  You helped me more than you will know.  Thanks for being there for every too! 

Very inspiring and informative post, thanks! I needed that after succumbing to the temptation of taking half a pill of Imovane tonight, having been off them for four days. Gosh, I feel like such a loser... 

 

Don't feel like a loser or bad or anything else.  I know how tempting it is to get some sleep.  I threw out all of my Beznos and other Rx drugs for sleep about 2 weeks after I jumped CT so I wouldn't be tempted to take anything in desperation!  You will get there.  Benzo WD is not fun, but you will survive.  The battle is SO WORTH fighting.  After you get to the "other side" you will be glad you did.  It will only get better for you over time!