This DEPRESSION

This depression I’m experiencing is beyond.  Only just began my taper a week ago.  Not sure if it’s related to that or if it’s due to all the loss of life, abilities, feelings, the internal torture, etc.  Racing negative thoughts are consuming me.  Anyone experience this with the beginning?  Any support is so very much appreciated. 

 

I pray you are all feeling healing today. 

Hey Uni-

 

Just a thought...maybe a part of the deep depression stems from your recent losses. Maybe the depression is actually part of the grieving process & not all a s/x from benzo poison. Not only have you recently lost your father, you were blindsided with the CT and temporarily lost your ability to function normally on a day to day basis.These are two HUGE LOSSES my friend. I think there is a strong possibility that you are still grieving your father & also need to process your other loss(es). Maybe you need to accept this depressive state you are currently in as part of the "grieving process" & allow yourself to "feel" what ever you are feeling, telling your self "it is ok to feel this way" 

 

 

 

Bella, YOU are my angel.    Ya really are.  I’m gonna work on that, acceptance.  I’ll practice telling myself it’s ok to feel this way.  I think you’re right that it’s due to all the stuff.  Never have I felt depression to such a degree before and always found interest in things, so this is something else.  Thank you for validating me in these losses being huge.  I tend to be hard on myself and haven’t ever learned to be gentle.  Not for lack of trying, though.  Seriously, thank you.  I’m gonna keep on truckin with the daily micro taper. 

 

Wish there were a fast-track course in SELF-LOVE and TRAUMA HEALING, dammit!   

 

You are such a blessing to us all 

I'm struggling with depression and anxiety too. It's awful. I'll find myself crying for no reason and don't know how to control it. It's hard getting through the day like this.

I'm struggling with depression and anxiety too. It's awful. I'll find myself crying for no reason and don't know how to control it. It's hard getting through the day like this.

 

Sadpepe,

 

I’m so sorry you’re suffering with depression and anxiety.  It’s not only difficult to go through, in and of itself, but doubly hard to feel there’s nothing you can do to control it.  I’m actually so grateful I can cry now.  I couldn’t for 40 days or so after I was c/t’d off Klonopin.  There are some who still can’t cry and my heart goes out to them.  Not to minimize the pain, in any way.  I’m just trying to find some positives.  I like what Bella said in accepting it and telling ourselves “it’s ok to feel this way”.  I suck at self-compassion but I want to work on it.  Those nasty thoughts that run on the ol hamster wheel don’t help one bit. 

 

Big hugs to you, you’re definitely not alone.    Glad you’re here, this is such a great place.  We’re all in it together!

So sorry, Unicorn74. I took Ativan 0.5mg for 4 years as neeeded, along with Prozac, which I had been taking for 13 years before. Once it got to weekly ativan use in year 4, life started to deteriorate, but it was livable. Once I was on it daily, it turned into a hell on earth, and I swear something happened to my brain, and after November 2014, I was never the same. I found this place, and tried taper with Valium, Gabapentin, Buspar, supplements (Passionflower, Valerian, Chamomile). I've lowered my benzo dose, but I have not seen improvements that all these medical experts keep mentioning. In fact I feel like I have gotten worse. I feel horrible, and my depression is worse than it's ever been  :'( :'( :'( :'(. People criticize psych drugs, but those 13 years I was on Prozac with no benzo were 1000 times better than this hell....  :'( :'( :'(

Depression and fatigue becomes less when you are off the drug. Well, at least it was my case. My thinking become more clear, i'm less fatigued and I can do more things than before I jumped. I haven't experienced windows but have steady progress. I still have long way to go but this is not as bad as it was when I tapered.

At first I was just a wreck - the depression started setting in at about 5 mo. then a bit worse at about 9 mo., 12 - 14 mo. was worse yet and just in the last several weeks has been a steady wave of depression further still - now at 19 mo. Has been an abject nightmare. I too have had a number of losses and heavy ordeals since about 2000 and I've had a history of MH issues. I've sort of given up on fighting the depression and just letting it 'overtake' me - oddly, seems to actually ease things up a bit for the moment but is followed by more 'poison darts' of depression. I also do try to stay with the meditation - as far as I can focus which can reduce the stream of thought. It's hard to tell by looking at me what's really going on below the surface which was problematic at my SSDI court appearance. So after waiting 3 years - judge says I must be fine since I look fine. I guess it is what it is . . .

I feel for you. I've had severe depression for years now and it's very hard to see a future without it. Today my bf has gone to help his mum and dad, who are moving house. I am alone,, except for my wonderful cat. Can't see any point in getting up. Washing up is all piled up in the sink and I don't want to eat but I've forced myself to have some muesli. I'm feeling very scared. However, Bella's message about allowing myself to be like this struck a chord. I will spend today in bed and see how I feel tomorrow. My mum is coming on Wednesday. Hope I can cope.

Hi LF2015, Catt, Thomas and 4G -

 

Hope you are all doing better today.  I’m praying hard for you all. 

 

Catt, so does this mean you’re denied SSDI?  I’m fortunately on it already for the Fibro diagnosis I got years back but it took years to get it.  Keep trying!  Two of my old friends had to keep trying as well, but they eventually got it.  I feel it’s really helpful with doctors and specialists backing you up, being clear you are not functional. 

 

4Gilly, I understand completely what you said here.  I have some of these issues and fears too, as I rely solely on my husband.  So when he has to go for a work thing out of town, I go and just sit in the hotel room.  Feels terrible sitting in a small room alone,the akatisia goes into high gear.  More than usual.  I’m sorry you have to experience being alone.  Did you cope alright?  How was your visit with your mom? 

 

Thomas, I cannot WAIT TO GET OFF THE DAMN DRUG!  I hope that is the case for me, too.  I am doing a taper for a year (planned, at least) and hope some things like the depression improve sooner than later.  Steady progress is great!    You’re well on your way!

 

LF, I saw somewhere you are rally having a rough go right now...  I was in a stuck mode so didn’t post.  But, I want you to know I’m thinking of you and really feel for you.  My heart really goes out to everyone struggling so severely.  ;hug:  I’m grateful we have each other to go through to with.  I cannot imagine not having BB to come to!