Seems a good time to turn the page

Well ... it certainly has been an adventure of sorts for me ... and it now feels like a good time to “to turn the page” on my drug recovery process ...

 

I need to thank all the Folks who maintain BenzoBuddies ... you where there when I needed you ... you accepted me and all my foibles as I was from day to day ... and this forum provided me with support, knowledge, and a much needed community of Folks going through their drug recovery process ...

 

I have met some extraordinary Folks ... we have shared much ... we have supported each other as we could day to day ...

 

Many, many thanks to each of you ...

 

A Caveat ... this my story ... some of it may inform your experience ... likely, most of it will not ... please, take what I have to say with a large grain of salt ...

 

I have learned many lessons during my recovery process, they now inform my life day to day ...I will try to highlight some of them as I go along ...

 

Once upon a time, some 25 or so years ago, I started using clonazepam for what was diagnosed as a “panic disorder” ...  I was experiencing a physical process that frightened me, made no sense to me, and it felt like was never going to end ... the “remedy” offered to me was a drug ... I accepted it and found that the physical process did calm down ...

 

As is all to common, there was no “informed consent” ... at that time I did not even know what that meant ... my relationship with the medical community was based on “passive trust” ... I needed help with an experience that was beyond my ken ... I accepted the explanation and prognosis of this experience as described and prescribed to me ... and moved on ...

 

Lesson ... “informed consent” ... during each interaction with the medical community I now explore all my options ... the diagnosis, the prognosis, and all the treatment options available to me ... then, after a time of reflection, I choose the path I will follow ...

 

I spent some 20 years using clonazepam ... over time I began an unrecognized downhill spiral of physical, mental and emotional expressions of long term use of clonazepam ... this began imperceptibly slowly at first ... over the years this spiral escalated ... culminating in a state of intermittent, temporary, complete, physical, mental and emotional dysfunction ... in a word, I was a mess ... after many, many fruitless inquires with the medical community about my “state” I was at a total loss ...

 

As so often happens in my life, along came a book ... one of the many synchronicities that have been helpful to me ... Robert Whitaker’s "Anatomy Of An Epidemic" ... the information in this book provided me with a spark of hope that I could riddle through my “stuff” ... over the course of a year I came to accept that the core issue for me was the drug clonazepam ... and, that if I was going to affect any change, I needed to come off the drug ...

 

In my community there was at that time, and as far as I know still is, no support for Folks to come off psychotropic drugs ... I did internet research, arrived at a withdrawal protocol (Ashton) ... confirmed the likely safety of my decision as best I could ... and the rest, as they say, is history ...

 

I did a 26 month taper with a switch over to diazepam at 1 mg clonazepam and have been drug free for four years and 5 months ...

 

I am not going to list the particulars of my experience, they can be found scattered amongst the posts I produced over the course of some 4 years on BenzoBuddies ... I experienced nothing uncommon or unknown to those who have been through this process ... their expression and particulars were unique to me ... my timetables of experiences were unique to me ...

 

Lesson ... I believe there is a “grouping of thirds” when it comes to the use of psychotropic drugs ... about a third of the folks who use these drugs find efficacy and no difficulties with the drugs ... about a third of the folks who start taking these drugs eventually find that the drugs are no longer useful and withdraw from them without substantial difficulty ... and, about a third of the folks who use psychotropic drugs find that the use of the drug creates substantial problems and they experience great turmoil coming off the drugs ... as to why this might be the case still seems to be unknown ...

 

I was not poly-drugged ... I did not develop any permanent side-effects as far as I am aware during my recovery process ... and, curiously, for me, I did not experience any symptoms that were not present in my life before I started taking the drug ...

 

That last statement needs a little amplification ... the varying intensities of my symptoms “felt” new ... the combinations of symptoms from time to time “felt” new ... the unexpected duration of symptoms “felt” new ... however, for me, after a couple of months reflection I feel that the core symptoms were not “new” ... their expressions certainly felt, in the moment, “new” ...

 

Again, this is my unique story ... and ... my progress of experiences are certainly not the same for everyone ... for some Folks, I believe, their experience of symptoms are “new” ...

 

Lesson ... one size does not fit all ... we each need to figure out our unique progress through this process of recovery ...

 

So ... I have determined that my healing process is mostly complete ... I certainly have work to do to resolve issues from my past and to resolve some issues that have arisen during my recovery process ... I feel confident that things will continue to progress for me ... and, I am choosing to now work from a place that is not centered on my drug recovery process ...

 

There are some things I have learned and confirmed for myself along the way ...

 

Lesson ... I am resilient ... you are resilient ... my body knows how to heal ... your body knows how to heal ...

 

Lesson ... My response to an experience of a symptom interacts with the symptom expression and my experience of this expression ... for me, first and foremost – I was always safe during a symptom storm ... it most certainly did not feel that way in the moment sometimes ... however, I was always safe ... and ... as best I could, each and every time, I tried to not escalate the symptom storm ... sometimes not so successfully ... during a storm I learned to practice a process of “going slow” (I talk about this process in several posts over the years) ... for me, there was efficacy in this practice ...

 

Again ... many thanks to the Folks that have been accepting of me and helpful to me along the way ... I cherish those memories ...

 

Be Well ...

 

Very well written and I am very happy for you to be able to move on in your life. I wish you the very best and thank you so much for sharing this with your buddies. It’s a long road but we all do recover.

 

Love Jackie 

Beautifully and wisely said. Thank you so much for sharing your story of perseverance.

 

I agree that it's a good idea to continue working on resolving issues from one's past. I think that might well be a missing 'puzzle piece' in the healing process for some people - it was for me.

 

Wishing you peace and wellness for a wonderful new life.

 

Warmly,

Lara

Thanks a lot for sharing this piece of wisdom...What a great accomplishment!

Do you have any lingering sxs?

 

I wish you to fully enjoy life again. "Turn to the sun and breathe..."

FS

I'm glad and relieved to read that a story I've followed for a long time has this happy ending!  It's nice of you, Nova, to come back and let everybody know.

My dear Nova!  So good to hear from you again. This may sound strange, but I really do miss the wonderfully distracting conversations we used to have when we were both in the trenches here. You made my pain more bearable with your poetic thoughts and insights, as I’m sure you continue to do for others in your greater world now.

 

I think it’s important for old timers like us to return with honest updates. Like you, I’m still working my way to wellness, but my orientation is different now. The trauma of fighting for drug freedom is over, and I’ve found it necessary to make a conscious choice to shift my perspective from that of warrior, to that of one who bears witness to the moments of life, allowing them unfold, without feeling the need to soldier through them.

 

Here at BB we don’t talk much about the transition back ‘normal’ life, but it’s a big one, and as you said, the way will be different for each of us.  But common to all, I believe, is a conscious choice, at some point, to lay down our warrior swords.

Thanks for the insights 

 

beautifully written.  :smitten:

Nova  I really and truly mean it when I say I can never thank you enough for all the eloquent and soothing posts you’ve made over the years. They resonated deeply with me and helped me more than you’ll ever know. Merely saying thank you seems terribly inadequate.

 

I’m incredibly happy you feel this is the time to turn the page on this chapter of your life. Wishing you all the best life has to offer, you deserve it. Chop wood carry water is nothing short of a life lesson  and one I still use. Thanks again for everything. 

Nova-

 

Thanks for coming back to share your success story and the lessons you learned along the way.  And thanks for reminding me of the "Anatomy of an Epidemic" book--it's sitting on the shelf, I'll have to read it when things settle down.  Great to hear you have healed and can move on from this doctor-induced nightmare.

Nova, I always followed your posts and progress. You always gave me Hope. I am so happy for you.

 

Always, cindy

Nova, my dear friend.....you will be incredibly missed here. You have been such a voice of support and compassion .  I am so very happy for you, knowing that this is behind you now and you can release it , move on from it and attend to your life free from the  consuming voice of sx.

  I can not thank you enough for the constant support and friendship that you were to me for 4 long years. I could not have seen it through without you and the little band of buddies. What a privilage to have traveled with you on this rough road.

  Wishing you all happiness as you go forward in your Healed life.....love to you my friend ....❤

Huge CONGRATULATIONS to you Nova!  Your story will bring hope and encouragement to members still in transition.  It’s great to know that your healing is almost complete.  It’s wonderful that you can now go out there and live your life, I am so happy for you. 

 

Thank you for all the support you have given to others, you have helped many along the way.

 

Best Wishes

 

Magrita

 

I'm so happy for you, congratulations!

Many thanks for the kind words and wishes ... they are much appreciated ...

 

Acknowledgement ... being seen ... being heard ... are integral parts of any recovery process for each of us ...

 

I believe there is much wisdom in an awareness that at some point, different for each of us, that we make the choice to "transition" from a daily life of "drug recovery" to living our whole life once again ... our pasts, our presents, and our possibilities ...

 

There certainly is the necessity to be attentive to all the twists and turns ... all the chaotic intensities ... of a drug recovery process ... how we choose to respond to our experiences of the many sensations that occur during this process takes much focus and is all too often exhausting work ...

 

My first focus, after "laying down my sword" is the utter exhaustion that seems to pervade every cell of my body after so many years of using, withdrawing, and being drug free ... I am tired ... worn out ... in need of replenishment ...

 

I have given myself the gift of being drug free ... now it is time to unwrap the gift ...

 

Be Well ...

Like the others , sincere thanks for helping me along the way, over my withdrawal period. You he,led hold me together in so many ways . I looked everyday for your replies. I felt supported..  now at just over 12 months out life is good ... my body is doing well but my mind is still too connected with the benzo life. It will pass. All things pass . Love to you Nova BB xx

This is such a hopeful post ... bump