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When Bootstraps Aren’t Enough...5yrs off & HEALED...


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[glow=gray,2,300]With the Sunrise...Every Day is a New Day[/glow]

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Today I’m celebrating 5YrsFree and I’m thinking it’s about damn time that I claim success!

So here goes. In ain’t pretty, but I’m gonna tell it like it was, and is, today…

 

I’m an ole yankee at heart. I live in the foot hills of the Appalachian Mountains. I love my space and my land and my independence. People tell me I’m stubborn and self-reliant, but I don’t really know any other way to be. That said, my benzo journey has been a long and lonely one, and it wasn’t until I joined BB that I got the support I needed. Sometimes you just can’t pull yourself up by the bootstraps, ya know?

 

My benzo experience began 25 years ago, with Valium being prescribed for muscle spasms from an injury. I took 30-40 mgs/day for 20 years, never realizing that I had reached tolerance. In fact, the medication was causing more symptoms than it was relieving. Ugh, so easy to see now, in hindsight. Over time, because of my injury and symptoms, I had lost my job, my health insurance and my house. That sucked, but the loss of mobility was my biggest problem, as you will see.

 

By December of 2011, I was in dire straits. I felt I could no longer continue on this path. I decided to try one last thing, and that was to (foolishly) try a rapid taper off the benzo poison, under the guidance of my NP.  At the same time, I did a C/T off of the opiates I was given for pain. This was a disaster, to put mildly. So I reinstated at 15mgV, and took 1½ years to complete a cut & hold taper that grew into a tab/liquid microtaper… you know the drill.

 

During this time I had just about every symptom imaginable, with 24/7 DP/DR being the scariest. My whole CNS was wacky, and since I lived on my own, finding myself housebound for approximately 3 years was no picnic. It was actually a huge ordeal. I could not drive, and ordered everything from Amazon. Thank god for Prime. I could not shower because of the burning. My hair fell out, it felt as if I was being stung by bees 24/7 for many many months, basically I felt like a character in Alice in Wonderland day after day....you get the picture...it goes on & on....

 

After my taper, I knew that life could no longer be put on hold. i just wanted to function like a "normal" person again. Through shear resiliance & determination I tried to accomplish something every single day, but my symptoms caused me to repeatedly injure myself. Because my eyes couldn’t focus properly, I put a nail through my finger with a Paslode Impulse nail gun. Because of balance issues, I broke my kneecap while restoring my old truck. And because of vertigo/dizziness, I tripped in the garage and dislocated my jaw. And to this day, I still have to deal with a torn meniscus, that happened when I was framing my deck.

 

Additionally, along the way, I managed to poison myself even more, by agreeing to take the fluoroquinolone antibiotic Cipro, which has left me with Peripheral Neuropathy. Lovely.  :tickedoff:

 

OK, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that throughout all of this, I was still able to find ways to remain self reliant and independent. Once I was off of the benzo poison, I eventually  became productive again. The first thing I did after I jumped was purchase a Harley, and a Hummer. I took great pleasure in driving that bike, just like I felt prior to benzos. Riding my hog solo against the wind made me feel alive and free again. The vibration from the fuel injected motor with custom exhaust cancelled out all of the “inner vibration” sensations I felt 24/7 from lingering withdrawal symptoms. And the Hummer made me feel safe when I was reluctant to drive days. Nothin’ like heavy gauge steel for protection  ;)

 

Since my taper I’ve had to force myself to do things that were uncomfortable but necessary to remain self reliant. I built a 7000 sq ft garden, a 288 sq ft chicken coop with 2- 12' x30' runs, and a 32' x 18' outbuilding so I could store the rough-cut lumber I harvest from my woodlot. I’m now able to cut and split my own firewood again. I also enjoy spending time in my wood-shop creating a variety of things to use around the homestead. So even though I still struggle day to day with painful neurological issues (from the Cipro), I continue to keep myself distracted by keeping busy with the homestead.

 

Another thing that kept me going was humor. I had some really funny friends here on BB and we used to bombard each other with silly memes. Figured we were all stuck at home and miserable, so why not try to make each other laugh? (Uh-hem, actually I still like to do that)

 

After being so sick for so long I decided to go green & organic. Now I make everything from scratch including my own soaps, shampoo, toothpaste cleaning products, etc. I grow and preserve my own organic vegetables, fruits, berries & nuts and even keep chickens for their eggs. I also cleaned up my diet. No processed foods. Going low-carb & dairy free has really helped with the GI, cog-fog and concentration issues.

 

About eight months ago I started feeling well enough to adopt a dog. He drove me crazy when he was a puppy, but I love him to death, and he’s certainly a good distraction & companion. I named him Taz because he’s got energy like the Tasmanian devil.

 

My body has been mostly normal for quite a few months now. And although the neuropathy is still there, it’s much less noticeable unless I get extremely stressed out. The improvements have been slow and steady. Sometimes sooo slow that I didn’t even notice until I looked back, but still, they were happening.

 

There is another positive thing that came out of this whole ordeal. I met a true, genuine, real life friend. Aft35yrs has been my cornerstone. She has been a true blessing. She & her family drove a long, long way to visit with me. We had a blast. THANK-YOU my lovely friend Aft....

 

I am so honored to be part of the BB team now. I want to thank Colin, Piano Girl and the whole team for all or their support over the years. You guys all rock! Now I especially look forward to helping newcomers. Remembering how hard it was for me in the beginning to even string a sentence together, I totally get it why so many new buddies have a tough time planning their tapers. So I try to help them in any way I can.

 

We’re all in this together, guys. And every time I hear of someone’s progress, I feel a little bit better myself, kind of like a ripple effect. So I’m still showing up, and hoping to help others pull themselves up by their bootstraps too, even when they think they’re hopelessly stuck in the muck.

 

So onward we go - the march to freedom is a muddy one, but it’s worth it!

 

So hang in there when you are struggling...never give up hope...If I healed so will you heal!

 

Many Blessings to ALL fellow BB warriors  :smitten:

 

Bella Amis

 

 

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My Dear Bella,  :smitten: a huge congrats on your 5YrsFree, and an even BIGGER congrats on your success!  :balloon: I’m so incredibly happy for you! You are by far the most resilient and stubbornly positive person I know!

 

While I’ve heard pieces of your story before, I’ve never seen it shared in narrative form, and the power of your experience is taking my breath away. The obstacles you have overcome…well, it’s hard to find the right words, except to say that your strength is utterly amazing. :o

 

You’re such a humble person, but I hope that for today at least, you can allow yourself to feel like a queen. Because in my eyes, you have what it takes to lead the way. Thank you for your courage and for your generosity in sharing.

 

love and hugs, :mybuddy:

Aft

 

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P.S. still blown away. And you know what keeps going through my mind?...

The image of you riding a Harley to drown out your symptoms!

Love it! :socool:

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Dear Bella,

 

I loved reading your story! You are a wonderful example of a “benzo warrior,” which is a mixture of tremendous courage, mental stamina, toughness of spirit and faith. Plus, you got spunk, hon. (I want to be like you when I grow up!) We all must take on at least some of these characteristics in order to persevere through the HELL of drug W/D.

Since there are no shortcuts ( we all find that out eventually), there is only forward, one day at a time. Like it or not, we cannot do this alone. You found help and community here.  This site is a life-giving place. It is God ordained; a place where hope reigns; a form of heaven on earth. It is a place where we come to heal.

Thanks for putting it out there. Thanks, also, for giving back. Your service to the rest of us bozos/benzos is an act of pure love.

 

With sincere gratitude,

Tigereye

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Congratulations! Thank you for sharing!  Wishing you lots of joy and peace and continued healing.  I am almost there.  :-*
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Wow, what a long and difficult journey!  And an inspirational story, too :). I love how you’re living off the land, and have chickens, and make your own food and other things.  You are amazing.  Glad you’re doing well.  Thanks for sharing!!
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Bella,

 

Huge HUGE congratulations to you, you warrior!  What a beautifully written and fantastic success story you have shared with us.  THANK YOU!  I'm in tears from reading it, both in empathy and joy for you!  You have truly inspired me today (yep I'm a newbie).  I'm so awestruck that you were and are strong enough to have accomplished this while living on your own, being home bound for 3 years, not giving up and here you are on the other side.  I'm also a very creative person who feels deadened by this benzo experience wondering if I will ever enjoy making art, working with wood and furniture, making music and getting back to my garden again.  You are amazing.  I love what you shared about all the creative things you do, there is so much joy that emanates through your post about what you are now doing! 

 

I love how you described the feel of riding your Harley!  I'm overwhelmed and brain is muddied up so it's hard to articulate just how much I wish to about your story.  Thank you for remaining active here on BB and having the goodness in your heart to be here to connect not only with your long time friends, but with us newbies. 

 

I'm beside myself and so sooooo happy for you!  You deserve it all!!  CONGRATULATIONS again and THANK YOU!!  :smitten:8)

 

Uni

 

 

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Bella Amis

 

Big congratulations on reaching 5 years benzo free!  What a wonderful accomplishment. 

 

I am new to this forum and it has already been very helpful.  I no longer feel alone in my suffering.  My husband and friends are very supportive, but nobody understands like someone who has been there.

 

I wish you continued health and happiness.  You deserve it!  We all do!

 

Angel

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wow. thanks Bella Amis 

 

truly inspiring with many sign posts along the way for us to implement

even if it isnt buying a harley or a hummer,  :laugh: :laugh: we can imagine our cars or bikes are that as we push through our own challenges and attempt new things too.

 

Thanks for writing your success story.

 

Many of us live alone with no support often and your story is inspirational.

Being housebound and unable to cope often is daunting on this journey.

 

may your written words give hope and help to many on this journey.

 

Your story has inspired and spurred me on again.

 

:smitten:

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My Dear Bella,  :smitten: a huge congrats on your 5YrsFree, and an even BIGGER congrats on your success!  :balloon: I’m so incredibly happy for you! You are by far the most resilient and stubbornly positive person I know!

 

While I’ve heard pieces of your story before, I’ve never seen it shared in narrative form, and the power of your experience is taking my breath away. The obstacles you have overcome…well, it’s hard to find the right words, except to say that your strength is utterly amazing. :o

 

You’re such a humble person, but I hope that for today at least, you can allow yourself to feel like a queen. Because in my eyes, you have what it takes to lead the way. Thank you for your courage and for your generosity in sharing.

 

love and hugs, :mybuddy:

Aft

 

Dearest Aft-

 

Awe Aft..you make me  :-[

 

Thank -you so much for all of the encouragement & support over the years.  It has mean't so much :hug:

 

It really has been a long, daunting road for so many of us. Hopefully one day soon the medical community will  become enlightened & acknowledge the true suffering benzo's can cause for so many of us. Let us all never lose hope that the needless suffering from benzo withdrawal will one day cease to exist.

 

Thanks again for being there for me through the most difficult journey of my life!  :smitten::mybuddy:

 

 

b5063a75c4c398f620f4d31c2b2a70f4.jpg

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Thank-you sjs!

 

 

 

Dear Bella,

 

I loved reading your story! You are a wonderful example of a “benzo warrior,” which is a mixture of tremendous courage, mental stamina, toughness of spirit and faith. Plus, you got spunk, hon. (I want to be like you when I grow up!:laugh: We all must take on at least some of these characteristics in order to persevere through the HELL of drug W/D.

Since there are no shortcuts ( we all find that out eventually), there is only forward, one day at a time. Like it or not, we cannot do this alone. You found help and community here.  This site is a life-giving place. It is God ordained; a place where hope reigns; a form of heaven on earth. It is a place where we come to heal.

Thanks for putting it out there. Thanks, also, for giving back. Your service to the rest of us bozos/benzos is an act of pure love.

 

With sincere gratitude,

Tigereye

 

Hey Tigereye-

 

You are funny  :laugh:

 

It is true that there are no "short cuts" we indeed must go through... the only way out is through...  :wacko:

 

You will get there too! Try not to get discouraged when things get rough...perseverance my friend!

 

:smitten:

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Thank you for posting your story Bella, It is going to inspire a lot of people.  It was a tough time for you, I  loved your determination to get through it, no matter what.  I can identify with the symptoms causing injuries, I got some battle wounds too.  Its  great to read just  how far you have come, well done girl and keep those bootstraps pulled up!

 

You certainly keep yourself busy at the homestead Bella, wow I am impressed!  I admire your courage...and having a sense of humour helps as well. lol I am so thankful you  accepted your team role, I know this will benefit the forum greatly.... it takes some guts to ride a motorbike....  Rock on girl

 

graphics-motorcycles-165119.gif

 

Love

 

Mags  :smitten:

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Dear Bella, you rock! And have been a blessing to me. Thank you for your support to me through the years. I am so thrilled to read your success story. I know you have been through so much and reading your story shows me just how much you went through. You are brave and very courageous and I am proud to know you. Thank you for your service to BBS.

 

Love you

Jackie :smitten: :smitten:

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Wow, Bella!  Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helps so much to hear from people who have made it through this nightmare. It definitely gives us hope.
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Love your approach to driving. Perhaps I should upgrade to a Hummer. Hehe. It's been the toughest thing for me to persevere through. I'm fearful and I tremble, but must do it daily.

 

Your story is amazing, Bella Amis. Thank you so much for sharing. Many blessings to you.  :smitten:

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Hello arkansas1122, finally joining63 & littlered

 

I am so glad you have found inspiration & hope from my story. This was the sole purpose of me sharing it...your responses have made my day! You all will get there too. Just seems to take much longer than we wall want for a full recovery. Try to stay positive & keep yourselves distracted when things seem hopeless. Time truly is the healer...  :smitten:

 

 

Bella,

 

Huge HUGE congratulations to you, you warrior!  What a beautifully written and fantastic success story you have shared with us.  THANK YOU!  I'm in tears from reading it, both in empathy and joy for you!  You have truly inspired me today (yep I'm a newbie).  I'm so awestruck that you were and are strong enough to have accomplished this while living on your own, being home bound for 3 years, not giving up and here you are on the other side.  I'm also a very creative person who feels deadened by this benzo experience wondering if I will ever enjoy making art, working with wood and furniture, making music and getting back to my garden again. You are amazing.  I love what you shared about all the creative things you do, there is so much joy that emanates through your post about what you are now doing! 

 

I love how you described the feel of riding your Harley!  I'm overwhelmed and brain is muddied up so it's hard to articulate just how much I wish to about your story.  Thank you for remaining active here on BB and having the goodness in your heart to be here to connect not only with your long time friends, but with us newbies. 

 

I'm beside myself and so sooooo happy for you!  You deserve it all!!  CONGRATULATIONS again and THANK YOU!!  :smitten:8)

 

Uni

 

Hey Uni

 

Thank you!  :smitten:

 

We sure do have a lot in common  :D. I am so sorry that you are having the benzo induced "muddied brain" syndrome (this will go away) You will most definitely get back your creativity & at some point you will be able do & enjoy all of the things you did previous to benzo poison. It may take awhile, but it will ALL come back! Don't ever think any different  :thumbsup:

 

Hang in there my friend!  8)

 

 

justkeep swimming

 

Your welcome! just keep on swimming towards the light... no matter how bad you feel remember this is only temporary. When it is all said & done you will feel like you can accomplish anything because you have survived the most challenging times in your life!

 

 

Angel

Thank-You! Welcome to the forum! You are right ..we ALL deserve good health & happiness. Glad you are finding supportive peolr around the forum.

 

 

wow. thanks Bella Amis 

 

truly inspiring with many sign posts along the way for us to implement

even if it isnt buying a harley or a hummer,  :laugh: :laugh: we can imagine our cars or bikes are that as we push through our own challenges and attempt new things too.

 

Thanks for writing your success story.

 

Many of us live alone with no support often and your story is inspirational.

Being housebound and unable to cope often is daunting on this journey.

 

may your written words give hope and help to many on this journey.

 

Your story has inspired and spurred me on again.

 

:smitten:

 

 

Hi skyblue2

 

I am very glad that you find inspiration & feel "spurred on"from my story. I am flattered.  Yes, attempt new things & force yourself each & every day. It was extremely difficult when one lives alone, but ya know what, I think that being alone & housebound can have it's own advantages too like having NO external pressures from anyone or anything to rattle our already sensitive CNS. Hang in there skyblue..it only gets better as time progresses & try to focus on any positive changes as small as they may be :thumbsup:

 

Thank you for posting your story Bella, It is going to inspire a lot of people.  It was a tough time for you, I  loved your determination to get through it, no matter what.  I can identify with the symptoms causing injuries, I got some battle wounds too.  Its  great to read just  how far you have come, well done girl and keep those bootstraps pulled up!

 

You certainly keep yourself busy at the homestead Bella, wow I am impressed!  I admire your courage...and having a sense of humour helps as well. lol I am so thankful you  accepted your team role, I know this will benefit the forum greatly.... it takes some guts to ride a motorbike....  Rock on girl

 

graphics-motorcycles-165119.gif

 

Love

 

Mags  :smitten:

 

Hi Mags!

 

I do hope my story is inspirational...that is why we share them right 8) Thanks for your kind words. YOU my friend, have been such an inspiration on this forum for so many years. Your dedication is remarkable :angel: Yes, the sense of humour is a MUST! You always do have the cutest "mini gifs" ... LOVE the cool motorcycle gif!  Wish I could still ride like that....maybe 30 years ago  :D:laugh:

 

This is more like it these days:

thank-you-grandma-harley-ag1.gif

 

 

Hey jackiebrown!!

 

Thank you for being so supportive! Even when struggling yourself, you have always been so supportive to others who are struggling. Your inner strength & resilience is second to none. Hang in there dear Jackie, one day soon you too will be sharing your success story! :smitten:

 

 

Hi Laura4321

 

I am glad you find hope with hearing my story. You will get there too...try to stay strong...it gets does better I can promise you that!

:smitten:

 

 

Love your approach to driving. Perhaps I should upgrade to a Hummer. Hehe. It's been the toughest thing for me to persevere through. I'm fearful and I tremble, but must do it daily.

 

Your story is amazing, Bella Amis. Thank you so much for sharing. Many blessings to you.  :smitten:

 

Hello auroragoryalyce

 

:laugh:  The Hummer did serve a purpose for a short while...but was not rugged enough for my taste (H3 to new) so I got rid of that tank a couple of years ago... :laugh: That is awesome you are able to drive...you are very brave my friend. Thanks for the kind  words &  blessing right back to you too!

:smitten:

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Bella!!!

 

What an inspiring post written by a strong and determined woman. We can all learn from you and how you've conquered the benzo demon.

 

I love that you got a Harley and a Hummer, strong machines for a strong person.  You've triumphed over a lot of trauma and here you are, willing to help others while they are in their journey.

 

We are so lucky to have you on the team, you bring a spark, a light, a ray of hope for our members. Thank you so much.

 

Love,

 

PG  :smitten:

 

BTW, can I 'shop' in your garden and I do need some soap.  ;)

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Hello Bella:

 

I sent you a PM if that is okay; but I would also like to post here and congratulate you for your amazing success and healing. You are a inspiration for all of us. Hope you are enjoying your new life with Taz in the Appalacchian Mountains. My daughter lives in Boone, are you close by?

 

Wisht you the best  :smitten:

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Bella!!!

 

What an inspiring post written by a strong and determined woman. We can all learn from you and how you've conquered the benzo demon.

 

I love that you got a Harley and a Hummer, strong machines for a strong person.  You've triumphed over a lot of trauma and here you are, willing to help others while they are in their journey.

 

We are so lucky to have you on the team, you bring a spark, a light, a ray of hope for our members. Thank you so much.

 

Love,

 

PG  :smitten:

 

BTW, can I 'shop' in your garden and I do need some soap.  ;)

 

Awe PG...you make me  :-[  :'( happy tears  :smitten: You can come pilfer shop in my garden any day & I'll even throw in the soap too!  :smitten:

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Hi Bella,

Congratulations on being healed!  That is so wonderful.  I loved your story on how you got through things.

 

You mentioned you had internal vibrations 24/7 that got drowned out when you were on your Harley.  I'm curious as to when those went away for you?  And do you remember how they went away?  Did they slowly fade out or did you just wake up one day and they were gone?  I've had mine for 15 months now and I took Xanax/Valium for a total of 22 months - lowest dosage but I did take them daily.  I'm suffering so much and trying to get through this and constantly reading Success stories every day to help me.  If you have any thoughts you can share, I would be so appreciative.  I'm also happy to chat through PM, too, if that's easier.

 

Thanks in advance for your help and congrats again! 

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