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It became clear to me about 3 weeks ago that spending too much time obsessing about my situation (whether surfing the intenet, spending time reading forums, or even discussing it) is not helping. I cannot let this continue to define me. To some degree I've already begun to break the obsession with the situation, and I'm trying to stop the sleep anxiety which is assuredly contributing to my problems. I have to accept this situation and have faith that I will heal. I slept for 44 years before this, and I will sleep again.

 

The doctors I've seen (family doctor, neurologist, psychiatrist) do not seem to believe that my symptoms have been caused by 4 weeks of 'k' in January yet it is the only plausible cause. They just want to throw more pills at it and I feel abandoned by them. My wife and family are supportive though. It has been 3 weeks since my crossover to diazepam from 'k', and almost all of my daytime symptoms are gone. I have enough diazepam to continue and complete my taper. Not a multi-months-long taper, but a taper nonetheless. I'm already down quite a bit (2.5mg/day d) from the original k dose I had been taking during the month of January. Im not nauseous anymore, and my anxiety/panic is not that bad. Im doing my best to stay active, and I'm working out when I can. I'm holding steady at the 10lbs I lost in the first two weeks. My boss has been flexible so far with allowing me to work from home when I can't make it in. I try to avoid staying home though - it gets to be depressing.

 

The remaining issue at this point is SLEEP. On good nights, with the help of OTC meds or natural remedies, I've been able to sleep (unconsciously) from about 11:30p-4:30a followed by hours of broken stage 1 sleep with wild dreams. On other nights (for instance the last two), I just remain in broken stage 1 sleep (feel like I'm not sleeping at all) the entire night with the same wild dreams. I do have non-alcoholic beer some nights while we sit on the couch - before this situation I was a fairly regular beer drinker - but I'm starting to wonder if the tiny bit of alcohol in them might be irritating my sleep still. Thoughts? I know some people avoid alcohol like the plague but I didnt think <.5% would cause issues. I also wonder if the fact that I cut out my nightly regular beer - if I'm not also getting a "double whammy" with alcohol withdrawals in addition - or if this is just the benzo withdrawals.

 

My wife lovingly bought us black-out blinds, an aroma thereapy device, I use a small fan, and a white noise maker. I meditate most days when I come home from work using youtube guided meditations. (although I have read that meditation can affect sleep... ugh).

 

I've been alternating OTC sleep aids which have helped. I am afraid to try w/o anything completely - even a very mild approach because I think that will ensure my doom for the night. I don't know if I'm just getting used to the lack of sleep - but I've been able to function and go to work most of the time last 3 weeks.

 

The psychiatrist Rx'ed trazadone last week. He handed it to me like candy and told me NOT to read online about it because I would be paranoid - but I have, and I'm afraid to try it. Looks like another pill with withdrawals and potentially bad side effects. NO thank you.

 

I have to accept responsibility for not seeking out healthier ways to relieve anxiety and for not researching more before taking medication just because it was prescribed by a doctor. We have to be our own advocates, and in that, I failed. I also have to forgive myself. It is what it is. The only way forward, is forward. One day at a time.

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I forgot to mention that I'm supplementing with vitamins B6, B12, D3 and a probiotic in the morning - as well as magnesium in drink form during the day. L-theanine seems to have a calming effect on my nerves, too.
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  • 1 month later...
I spend a lot of time obsessing about sleep too. I used to love sleep. Would be late for school, late for work, and always worked a part time job just so I could sleep in. After a painful breast augmentation that kept me up, which I had removed 11 weeks later, I can't sleep at all. I've took so many meds to help, but they eventually stopped working after a few weeks. Benzos were the only thing that half way worked. Now I'm stuck trying to get off of them and it's very difficult to do. It's hard to accept and it's very depressing when it gets taken from you and everyone else in the house is enjoying what you used to love. I'm hoping it gets better. Everyone says it does so we will see.
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It's tough Stacy. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about how long I will have to endure this through my taper and after that through my recovery. I tried to break off in my mind a week to focus on instead. I tried to imagine whether I can make it through the next week and usually the answer is yes, but it is still very hard. I tell others about it and most of the time they say nice things but they just cannot understand what it means to lose your sleep on a consistent basis. I'm glad for people like you and the rest of the people here who do understand it though. ;)
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SeekingHope and Stacey,

 

Maybe just try to get through each day?  Some people going through intense WD just tried to get through each minute or hour.  It is important to not spend too much time dwelling on the past, before Benzos, when you could sleep really well.  It is also important not to spend too much time thinking about the future when you will sleep again.  Just have a healthy balance of both and do not avoid the present even though it is very crappy.  Other people, especially those you live with, will not be able understand how much of a torture lack of sleep really is.  I was told at one point, during the thick of my WD, that countless women endure insomnia when they go through menopause and I should just "toughen" up.  Anyone going through WD is already super tough.  Special Forces can't hold a candle to us when it comes to lack of sleep.  The Navy seals brag about going for 5 or 6 days without sleep.  My reaction is so what.  Almost everyone on this board is a freaking insomnia Benzo Warrior.  Not that we are trying to win awards, but if they were available, we would!  :thumbsup:

 

You will both get past this.  Everyone heals.  It's just that the timeline is unknown and that is what makes it really hard.  Hang in there.  You will win this fight with insomnia! :)

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Thanks TheWay2. ;) Your words are always encouraging and I appreciate you taking the time. I hope that at some point once I am healed I can give something back to others the way you do.

 

I remember when I first came here distraught and stung out on that dark night in February, not understanding what was happening to me or why I wasn't sleeping. I think you were one of the first to respond to me. I had a long way to go - and I know I still do - in learning to accept and fight this battle, but here I am more than 2 months later, still standing, somehow.  I don't know how. When I tell people what I'm going through they look at me with wide eyes. There is truth in focusing on the now (not always easy to put into practice) but it is what I hope to do more and more as this continues and even after it is done.

 

I went to work today and toughed it out. It's not easy being an engineer on a tiny bit of sleep, but it can be done when I am strong enough. Some days I work from home when it's bad.. but it's better for my mind to be in the office when I can.

 

This is a very Hobbit-like journey. One day I was at home in my warm hobbit hole living the life I did, the next day, I was unexpectedly thrust into this perilous journey fraught with dragons and goblins to fight... all the while thinking of my warm hobbit hole at home, wishing I were there. At the end of this journey, I have the feeling that though I may return "home" to my life, it will never be as it was in my memory. I'll be changed. Hopefully I'll be more compassionate to others who are suffering, more understanding, and have a wider perspective. And one thing is for sure, I will NEVER take benzos or the like again.

 

Onward into my evening rituals... first I will meditate, then my magnesium water, then my tart cherry juice, then my night tea.... lay on the couch and try not to pay attention to the television... and then... off to bed.

 

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

 

 

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I was considering not takin the Mirt tonight and updosing the K, but I'm a little worried about that. It has been helping me sleep, and I know when I get off the K, I won't sleep at all if I don't take it. I'm afraid I'll relapse. I slept 4 hours in 8 days one time. I went almost 12 days another tiime. The only reason I got sleep then was because I took something.  I'm tired of the torture.
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I would look for post's by MTfan.  She had worse insomnia than you and is recovering and getting up to 7 hours of light sleep most nights.  Perhaps she could help you.  I know it is very hard to do, but if you constantly focus on your lack of sleep, it will be harder to recover.  I have gone 7 days several times on only 5 - 10 hours of sleep.  You will get past this AFTER you are off the drugs.  You won't be hit with endless days of zero sleep for months.  Most people get hit with that first long stretch of no sleep and then typically get some most nights.
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I was considering not takin the Mirt tonight and updosing the K, but I'm a little worried about that. It has been helping me sleep, and I know when I get off the K, I won't sleep at all if I don't take it. I'm afraid I'll relapse. I slept 4 hours in 8 days one time. I went almost 12 days another tiime. The only reason I got sleep then was because I took something.  I'm tired of the torture.

 

Now is the time to "walk away" from the Mirt. 2 weeks or less is "usually" no problem for most people.  ADs like Mirt can have a nasty set of WD symptoms including bad insomnia.  However, you must decide what is right for you.  Just know that drugs are a "dead end" road.  They all eventually stop working.  At some point you will just have to endure the results of the WD and use OTC or natural sleep aids.  I know that is not a comforting thought, but I really wish (and countless others on this site do too) someone would have told me about benzos at the 2 week mark.  I would have gotten off and probably missed out completely on WD or it would have been a lot milder. 

 

Good luck :thumbsup:

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