2 years 9 month off. Healed at last! (Long)

I have fantasized about writing a success story for soooo long. For about 7 years, in fact. I can’t believe that day is actually here!

 

If you go back and read my old posts, you’ll see there are not that many of them (relatively speaking) during my 3.5 year taper off of 17.5 mgs Valium. That’s my number one piece of advice for healing. Do your best to minimize your focus on the nightmare that is benzo recovery. If you’re new here, read up, design a well-planned taper and check back for support on desperate days. Mostly read success stories to keep the faith. Don’t scare yourself unnecessarily by reading scary stories (mine included.) Find one benzo buddy for venting and courage and stay close!

 

Here’s the short version of my success story if you’re feeling sensitive and want to skip to the inspiration part:

 

I’m GREAT! Just like you, I was pretty sure I never would be. I started benzos after a hip surgery in 2000 to manage anxiety and sleep problems and couldn’t get off them for the next 11 years despite gazillions of dollars spent and doctors seen.

 

I tried to get off benzos SO many times unsuccessfully with all kinds of nightmare scenarios. What finally worked was an absurdly slow taper. I was in such a hole at the beginning that I did an initial up dose when I switched from Klonopin to Valium and then I took 3.5 years to get off 17.5 mgs of Valium. (I added an extra nine months when I made a mistake and had to majorly back track.)

 

I had a lot of physical symptoms tapering, not much anxiety or emotional stuff. (I credit this to the Valium. I remember the anxiety from Klonopin.) My worst symptom was a weird one: profound weakness. It began as an inability to exercise and got worse from there.

 

During my slow recovery, it improved slowly in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way as is so often the way in benzo recovery. Over time, the episodes of weakness  were less severe and spaced farther and farther apart. I’ve always been a slow healer so I guess it’s not surprising that I’ve still had 3 episodes of weakness in the 2.9 years I’ve been off benzos. The last one was nine months ago and lasted just one day.

 

But guess what? I just got back from a 3-week trip to New Zealand and French Polynesia. I walked airports! Snorkeled with sharks! Hiked a glacier! Went on a strenuous FOUR hour mountain hike. Zero weakness. I’m on my way to being in the best shape of my life here at age 53. And that’s after a decade on the couch!

 

It’s so hard to hear in recovery but so true: the only thing that really helps is TIME and support from people that care about you and won’t judge you. I’m fortunate to have a husband that was amazing and stood by me. I also had one benzo buddy that I stayed in close touch with.

I tried all the supplements, but my system was too sensitive. I did use Benadryl and magnesium for sleep and still do. I’d like to be off the Benadryl, but menopause makes sleep too choppy.

Anyway, I’ve got my life back! I’m working full-time and my husband and I are ramping up travel as new empty nesters to make up for lost time. Life post-benzo is INCREDIBLE. I will never, ever take my good health for granted again.

 

The Long Version… (Don’t read this if you’re trying to avoid scary stuff):

 

In 2000, I had a major hip surgery for hip dysplasia and seriously struggled with sleep, pain, and anxiety. Klonopin was like a miracle cure! But when I tried to go off it, I couldn’t sleep. Like so many, I sure wish someone would’ve explained that it was withdrawal and I should tough it out. I could’ve saved myself a decade of pain and misery.

 

But my psychiatrist told me that lots of people used it for sleep and I shouldn’t be so uptight about taking .5 mgs nightly. So I kept it…for another eight years every night. Fast forward to my mid-thirties with two young kids. I felt seriously out of shape and weak for no apparent reason.

I tried to exercise, I tried different diets and supplements, but I just go worse.

 

I decided I had adrenal problems and went to see an MD who specialized in addressing them by “resting the adrenals” by taking hydrocortisone. MASSIVE MISTAKE. Don’t ever take hydrocortisone with benzos! The hydrocortisone had the effect of “cold turkeying” me off my benzos and it wasn’t pretty.

 

Within a month, I was bedbound. I stopped sleeping completely for one month. My hearing was so sensitive that even the sound of a fork clinking shuddered through my body. Eventually I was too weak to feed myself or even get up from my bed to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t watch TV. I could only endlessly obsess about my situation (which is, of course, biochemical due to benzo withdrawal.) My husband took a four month leave from work to care for me and the kids. We were pretty sure I was dying.

 

I tried to taper the hydrocortisone with his help, but it was excruciatingly slow. My mom showed up and pressured my husband to hospitalize me. So he did. The doctors ran every test known to man and the doctors decided I was a hypochondriac because all tests were normal. The question was what to do with me since I was so non-functional. So they sent me to a psych facility.

 

Can I take just a moment to say here how shameful it is in this country (the US) that there is such a stark disparity between the quality of medical care and mental health care? It was pretty scary there and I was pretty much just waiting to die. I’m not sure I would’ve made it if not for the drug addict I shared a room with who was suicidal and severely depressed but became my friend. There is something about connecting with someone when you are both in your darkest hour.

 

Fortunately, my insurance ran out after 10 days and I was sent home. They had aggressively tapered my hydrocortisone while in the hospital. I’m not sure if it was that or something psychological, but within two days of arriving home, I could weirdly walk again and care for myself. A therapist told me it’s a psychological phenomenon he’s seen before.

 

I quickly tapered the many drugs they’d added during my hospitalization until I was off them as well as the hydrocortisone and back to just the Klonopin. I was back to my functional but sort of weak self.

 

I tried several times to dry cut the pills which left me vomiting with anxiety every morning and not sleeping at night. I saw a functional neurologist in 2011 who tapered me too quickly which left me unable to tolerate any light or scroll on the computer. Super scary.

 

And then, like so many before me, I found Benzo Buddies. My people! I’d never considered myself an addict because I’d never increased my dosage and always followed doctor’s instructions. But I was definitely dependent. Someone here referred me to an angel on earth who helped people design tapers.

 

It’s only thanks to her that I learned how to design a daily taper using whole milk and Valium pills and adjust up or down a bit as needed to keep withdrawal symptoms tolerable. I was about 80 percent throughout my 3.5 year taper consistently. Although I did have a weird thing happen during my taper where my fingers started to freeze (kind of like frozen shoulder).

 

As a professional writer, I worried I wouldn’t be able to type. I couldn’t empty the dishwasher without jamming my fingers. I saw an amazing rheumatologist who told me he’d never seen anything like it in 30 years of practice and that it couldn’t be from benzos. But it totally was. He sent me to a hand physical therapist and the exercises totally fixed it!

 

I slowed and slowed and slowed on my taper the last few weeks to keep things even until I was finally off. And then I waited to feel better! Which seemed to be an excruciatingly slow process. But now I finally am See above happy ending!

 

The only things that are left are the occasional internal shivering, but not much! And I’m finally able to tolerate Vitamin D again. I also really wanted to be able to drink again…which is funny because I’m not a major drinker. But my husband’s into cocktails and wine. I went very slowly with alcohol after reading others’ stories of having to re-taper by injuring fragile GABA receptors.

 

I tried small amounts of alcohol and for the longest time, they’d give me a three day headache. But the last few weeks, I’ve been tapering up (lol) and have been drinking 2.5 ounces of red wine nightly with no ill effects.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far! I didn’t mean to write a novel. I was so so grateful for all the success stories in my dark days. I wanted to pay it forward. I PROMISE you will heal! Keep the faith. Go slow. Have patience. Love yourself the best you can. Push back against the obsessive thoughts.

 

Oh! And try Qigong (which is like Tai Chi) if you truly want to do something to calm your mind, bring more joy into your emotional state, do some gentle exercise, and aid your healing. It’s amazing. I read about it in a success story here on Benzo Buddies and am passing the link on: www.flowingzen.com It’s like a moving meditation. I’m in love with it.

 

Big hugs to each of you on this journey. Recovering from Benzos is the most challenging thing I’ve ever accomplished, but it’s left me with a joy and appreciation for life I’m not sure I could otherwise have known. Your day WILL come!

 

I’m so happy to read your success story! I am new here, and have not yet began to taper, as I am just learning about all of this with your help and the Ashton manual. Like you stated, after reading and seeing many stories, I am scared to death, but hopeful that one day I can have my life back.

 

Cheers!

Wow what an incredible journey. I am happy for you that you have persisted and succeeded. Thanks for posting the link about qi qong and tai chi. I actually practice them and it really helps me. Much healing your way 

Congratulations, Bubbles!

 

Powerful story... thanks so much for taking the time to share. 

 

Challis 

Congratulations Bubbles! Thank you so much for taking time to post your success story. Your post is inspiring and gives me and those who are still struggling hope that we will also heal and reclaim our normal life someday.

 

Blessings and enjoy your new and well deserved life!

Pi

CONGRATULATIONS!

 

Bubbles, I loved reading your story, thank you so much! My road has been similar (too complicated to include in my signature), and it's so inspiring to read about your travels and new-found joie de vivre. Thank you also for the Qigong link - I'll be trying it out today.

 

Wishing you and your husband a lifetime of love, wellness, and adventure.

 

Lara

LifeForce—Yes, you will get your life back! Definitely. It's so hard to believe with all the crazy sx. Add to that all the biochemically based fear and catastrophizing and compulsive obsessing that benzo withdrawal creates and it's all we can do to remain optimistic. But good things are definitely on the other side of this experience!

Challis—Thank you for your good wishes! Reading your posts sustained me many times!

Solyluna and Rubylove—I love that you're interested in Qigong! It's been such a gift to me as someone who has tried and failed at meditation so many times. I started with a commitment to just two minutes a day in his free course and when I hadn't missed a day four months later, I signed up for his annual Costa Rica retreat and went last February!

 

When I was standing there in a cloud forest doing Qigong post-recovery after so many years of Benzo-induced misery, I knew I had truly recaptured my life. Enjoy!

This is going on my list of favorites! Such perseverance and hope. Thank you, enjoy all your new adventures.

JKS

Fantastic Success Story! Thank you so much for taking the time to write your full story. I'm so happy to know that you've come out the other side and that you're enjoying life so much. It's all well deserved! All the best to you!

 

Congratulations.  Thank you for sharing your so. You given me great reassurance and hope.

this is so great. thanks for sharing

 

 

Thanks to each of you for your good wishes! Happy to report I am FINALLY 100 percent healed. About to go post a success story update!

Really cool!

i want to swim with the sharks. literally, not figuratively!!!!

Wonderful news dear Bubbles! Your posts are very encouraging. Once again the reminder that time is the answer. So happy for you!

 

Warmly,

Carita

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. Congratulations for being so very strong and finding success!