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How do you do this when you have children??


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This is a difficult thing going through withdrawal - and then trying to be there for your kids, I think my eldest understands - my youngest does not - she is only 8.

 

I am invited to these events and I always decline. Eventually people stop asking..and its affecting my kids. There are some things I am expected to attend with my daughter

and she doesn't understand - the thought of socializing gives me panic and yet I want to ease my loneliness - it is so unfair! I want nothing better to go with her and meet other moms.

 

Feeling very impatient like life is passing me by. I have missed so much already like soccer games, recitals, skiing trips. I am like the invisible mom :(

 

Any other parents out there struggling too?

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Any other parents out there struggling too?

 

In short, yes. I myself, and many others on this board, are struggling with how this situation is effecting our kids. There is a feeling, maybe you've experienced it, that life has slipped through your fingers. That life is behind you, and that it's always been behind you. That the "good ole days" came and went, while I was obliviously waiting for them. For me it's back somewhere before I developed anxiety over my child, and before I started benzos. There is a guilt of not being the parent you know you could be, and the parent you dreamed you would be.

 

For me, luckily, I have still been able to meet most of my social, travel and school obligations for my son. But it's a struggle and I feel like I'm balancing on a razor's edge. I often feel a great deal of guilt when he wants to do something outside, play a game, build a toy, spend time together, and all I want to do is lay around consumed in withdrawal symptoms and anxiety. My temper has become unpredictable during taper and withdrawal. I'll be calm the entire day, even thinking to myself how well I've done, and then suddenly it falls apart. I've reacted to him simply being a typical toddler, and doing typical annoying toddler things, in ways that I find embarrassing. To which he is admirably resilient, thankfully. Which, of course, compounds the guilt I mentioned earlier.

 

I don't have any silver bullet solutions, or meaningful words of resolve. But I can simply say you are not alone, and it's a battle worth fighting. Besides, "happiness isn't real unless it's shared". And you've got the perfect pair to share it with.

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You're not alone... 

I feel the same.  Three great kids but left wondering if my issues will have permanently created a harm because of my seclusion.

The only thing that gets me thru is believing the end of this journey will lead to opening new doors and understanding on their part.

When I even feel half of myself, I try my best to be present for the few hrs they need.

Never easy but kids are incredibly resilient.  Just my thoughts.  I can use ideas myself as I am very new to this Hell of taper

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Thank you Overwatch and Pelota for the support. I was able to be there for my kids more when the benzos still worked and through the initial taper. Not 100%, but I used to walk them to school and attend some of their activities. Now its next to zero.

 

The kids are older now, 11 and 8 and this is tough. When they were younger, they didn't pick up on things.

Now its like, why can't you be there like all the other moms? Why aren't you working? Why can't you come to... can't I have a sleepover tonight with a few of my friends? I want a big party etc.

 

I broke down and told my 11 year old a year ago I was having panic attacks and that the medicine that was supposed to be helping me is hurting me. I hit a wall in benzo withdrawal last year and started having a lot of panic attacks at events with my kids. Basically anywhere I felt it was a situation difficult to get out of (movies and dance recitals for example) I can't even go to parent-teacher interviews. I had to tell her because I didn't want her to think I didn't want to be there when in fact I do with all my heart. I have forced myself to do a few minor things (I endured the torture of sitting through star wars and went to one event at the school) - but with most things what good would I be to my kids panicking anytime a parent talks to me and basically having trouble functioning?

 

I feel I did the right thing with telling my oldest child. She is quite mature and seemed to take it well. It was like a weight lifted.

 

The only thing that gets me through is thinking one day this blasted anxiety will be over (but a small part of me is worried it won't go away. I have to believe it,it keeps me going.

 

Overwatch do you have anxiety in your WD? Is it just health anxiety? Pelota, it sounds like you have a wonderful attitude in being present for your children. I found I need to rely on others for the time being, I hate it - but I just can't do it alone. Raising kids is challenging enough without going through the hell of benzo withdrawal.

 

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I have a nine year old son and yeah this is hard.  I kind of made friends with some Moms at our busstop- he started a new school this year, and I already feel weirdly subpar.  It's funny though, cause I don't think he sees it that much.

 

There's things he wants me to do, like volunteer at the school,and it sucks, cause like I would love to do that, or even better be working.  Luckily for me, he doesn't seem that into comparison with the other kids yet.

 

One thing that really got me, was at the busstop, one lady said to me, "So what are you doing with your time during the day?".  OUCH.  I told her I was trying to learn computer programming, not a complete lie, but I know my limitation are huge at this moment. 

 

I do get dizzy playing Minecraft and that made my son super sad.  He said, "When your done with the benzos, we can play this world."  He named the world, "Mama's World".  Aww.  I wish I could play it with him.  I had to tell him it will probably be years.  :'(

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You are not alone, and thanks for posting your question, because it reminds me I am not alone either. I have three boys, 7,5, and 3. And this has been so difficult on everyone. My wife is so strong, and has been such a gift from God during all of this. It is tough just being around my boys some days, depending on my symptoms, because like you said, they are just doing active things appropriate for their age and I can go from enjoying them to over stimulated and scared/angry quickly. We also homeschool, which has seemed near impossible most days, because it hard enough to live and trust i’m healing, much less adding teaching three boys on top of that. It’is sad because teaching is something I love to do and is my passion, and now it is a constant source of frustration and disappointment if compare to what I did or think I could be doing. This morning was rough so I related how I was feeling to how they feel when they aresick or scared, and said I could use some extra help(I try to relate things back to their experiences in hopes they have best chance of understanding). They responded with different attitudes and focus, yet these have been ongoing conversations for over a year now and I feel this respect has been molded and formed through honesty and hard work by output entire family. I have learned so much more about communication and relationships during this season, and now my boys seem to be growing in their communication skills as well. The men in my family barely spoke, so if anything this nightmare of withdrawal has helped heal and change a family dynamic for the better.

Some days are a bit better, and on those days I try to press ina little more and do a few active things, or just try to gear activities around what symptoms show up that day. Some days, I excuse myself, go pray, cry and trust the Lord will give me enough for the next moment, not the next hour, day, etc.

I could do more at the first part of withdrawal and for whatever reason at the moment I can do less. The truth is: it’s hard work, just getting through this, much less raising kids and maintaining a healthy marriage with my wife. Yet it is the work for me that is worth it, so I give what I can, when I can, while I can, and take lots of breaks. I try not to romanticize the past or fixate on the future, for if I do either I usually get mad, sad or afraid. So I give over the past and try my best to trust God with the future, and focus my energy on healing right now, however that looks that moment.

I attempt to be kind and caring to myself, so I have the best shot at being kind and caring to my family.

Thanks for listening, and for sharing your struggles. We will make it, and we and our families will be stronger, one moment, one victory at time.

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My children are older--one in college, one in HS--so they are fully aware of what is going on and what I am going through. But it's hard. These are the last years they will be with me and I am really struggling. I have been crying almost every day. I get sick to my stomach often, especially before our annual vacation, which I have been trying to keep low key as I cannot really travel. I am going slow to remain functional as possible, so I do go to games, back to school nights, etc. but I still feel like I am damaging my kids somehow. We all do the best we can I guess.
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Truth is I don’t even understand what’s going on with me most days, I just trust I’m healing from all the posts on here and research I’ve done. My wife doesn’t get it, so I know my kids don’t. So I love them all the best I can during each day, and sometimes that means I am not with them physically so I can heal and be able to be with them again soon. I am sad quite a bit though, that I am not able to be there more for my wife and my boys. This is tough. Period. So, I trust in hope and healing for all involved
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I have an almost 5 year old and I've been in protracted withdrawal, drugged up state, tolerance withdrawal or acute-post-acute withdrawal most of his life. There were about 2 years in the beginning of his life (that he now does not remember) that I was with him pretty much 24-7 and after that it's been babysitters, relatives, day cares, etc. I can see that we have lost our connection. Sometimes I don't even put him to bed, because of how sick I am. He knows that mama is sick, but he doesn't really understand what it means and takes it personally. He has a disability, so he is delayed developmentally, which makes things harder. Lately he doesn't want me around, asks me to go away, prefers others to me. It breaks my heart. I haven't taken him to a park for years. I pay/ask people to do it, but he doesn't know that I arrange all of that, he only knows that mama is not around when he's having fun. I am afraid of destroying our relationship forever. I wanted to have more kids, but my partner doesn't want to have kids when he's older and my withdrawal might take years, so he did a vasectomy. Benzos stole my dream of having a big family, stole the relationship with my son, made me feel like a failure of a mother.
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I have a nine year old son and yeah this is hard.  I kind of made friends with some Moms at our busstop- he started a new school this year, and I already feel weirdly subpar.  It's funny though, cause I don't think he sees it that much.

 

There's things he wants me to do, like volunteer at the school,and it sucks, cause like I would love to do that, or even better be working.  Luckily for me, he doesn't seem that into comparison with the other kids yet.

 

One thing that really got me, was at the busstop, one lady said to me, "So what are you doing with your time during the day?".  OUCH.  I told her I was trying to learn computer programming, not a complete lie, but I know my limitation are huge at this moment. 

 

I do get dizzy playing Minecraft and that made my son super sad.  He said, "When your done with the benzos, we can play this world."  He named the world, "Mama's World".  Aww.  I wish I could play it with him.  I had to tell him it will probably be years.  :'(

 

Hi GreenCup re: the comparison to the other kids - yes you are lucky. I think my kids are in activities where you notice my absence and the kids feel it. My girls also want friends over constantly and I find it over stimulating. Hell I just find talking to other moms over stimulating at the moment. I didn't used to be that way - it started when I went on a family vacation a year ago and got very stressed out and never fully recovered from that. Now I feel panic set in whenever smeone I don't feel completely comfortable with starts to talk to me.

 

Yes Ouch re: the comment the lady made. I don't know what I would say. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I am starting to gather ideas to write a book, so perhaps I could say that if it pops up.

 

Do you really think it will be years until you start to feel better? It looks like you are on a low dose right now. How is your anxiety?

Mine is so bad. A mom came by to drop of their child and I remember asking my daughter to answer the door and was in the bathroom terrified crying. I feel so ashamed of this. I think I feel trapped in these situations and I don't want to lose it in front of my daughter's friend's mom.

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The men in my family barely spoke, so if anything this nightmare of withdrawal has helped heal and change a family dynamic for the better.

Some days are a bit better, and on those days I try to press ina little more and do a few active things, or just try to gear activities around what symptoms show up that day. Some days, I excuse myself, go pray, cry and trust the Lord will give me enough for the next moment, not the next hour, day, etc.

I could do more at the first part of withdrawal and for whatever reason at the moment I can do less. The truth is: it’s hard work, just getting through this, much less raising kids and maintaining a healthy marriage with my wife. Yet it is the work for me that is worth it, so I give what I can, when I can, while I can, and take lots of breaks. I try not to romanticize the past or fixate on the future, for if I do either I usually get mad, sad or afraid. So I give over the past and try my best to trust God with the future, and focus my energy on healing right now, however that looks that moment.

I attempt to be kind and caring to myself, so I have the best shot at being kind and caring to my family.

Thanks for listening, and for sharing your struggles. We will make it, and we and our families will be stronger, one moment, one victory at time.

 

Wow you are doing well to be teaching while going through this - I don't know if I could manage all that. I can help with homework though when they get home. Yes I agree in some ways it does strengthen bonds. I found this particularly with my eldest. I feel that I appreciate my time with my children, soon they will be grown up and won't want to hang out with me anymore! We used to go for walks in the woods - and already they don't want to go anymore.

Do you think in your condition you could have been working outside the home? I feel badly that I had to stop working. I was just so exhausted and felt I was getting worse. Are you able to get out much?

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Got a 10 month old baby girl here. I guess I can consider myself lucky that she can't recognize when I'm going through a tough spot. She is kibd of my savior in those tough anxiety times. She's the one thing that can force me to soldier through extreme anxiety because I simply cannot let her down.

 

Giving her a bath or playing with her on the floor (while I still feel the overwhelming panic) puts my mind elsewhere. Its tasks that I cannot bail on that pass the time to get through these spells. Cant not change her diaper just because I am having an anxiety attack! Can't avoid rocking her to sleep when she's having a rough night.

 

These unavoidable committments are my number one resource in my arsenal to fight my number one enemy: time.

 

Theres no magic or tricks to avoid anxiety that is chemically induced via withdrawal (in my opinion). The only thing to get through it is to wait. The "faster I can make time go", the better.

 

So I know my experience is lacking when it comes to the older kids. But maybe instead of avoidance, attack each situation. Force it. Better than sitting alone counting the minutes. But again, I do not have the direct experience.

 

Good luck to you all. Hang in there.

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I really feel for you.  It is so difficult with children.  I have two teenagers and I can't imagine what it would be like with younger ones.  I explained this horrific situation to my girls, telling them how the medication had temporarily damaged my nervous system.  I went into the whole physiology of it because I knew they would understand.  It was very helpful for them to finally know the reason behind my sickness, as well as to feel secure in the knowledge that I would heal.

 

I realize you can't go as deep in terms of an explanation with younger children, but perhaps reassuring them that you are confident you will get better would be comforting to them.  When they are older, knowledge of the dangers of withdrawing from benzos will be more mainstream and they will realize how incredibly strong you were for enduring this mess.  I know it's hard to miss out on their stuff and feel like you are judged by others for not participating.  I know how lonely it is to feel invisible, others unaware of the battle you are fighting.  It's really hard to accept this reality but acceptance is what we must cultivate in order to heal.  Be compassionate with yourself.  Know that your children love you and will understand.  It really sucks to not be as involved as you would like at this time, but use your time at home with them to really bond.  Try not to worry about the outside world and their opinions.  Nobody knows the hell you are experiencing.  Come here to ease some of your loneliness. It will end and you will be so much better.  And your children will benefit from the lessons you've given in perseverance and courage.

 

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Got a 10 month old baby girl here. I guess I can consider myself lucky that she can't recognize when I'm going through a tough spot. She is kibd of my savior in those tough anxiety times. She's the one thing that can force me to soldier through extreme anxiety because I simply cannot let her down.

 

Giving her a bath or playing with her on the floor (while I still feel the overwhelming panic) puts my mind elsewhere. Its tasks that I cannot bail on that pass the time to get through these spells. Cant not change her diaper just because I am having an anxiety attack! Can't avoid rocking her to sleep when she's having a rough night.

 

These unavoidable committments are my number one resource in my arsenal to fight my number one enemy: time.

 

Theres no magic or tricks to avoid anxiety that is chemically induced via withdrawal (in my opinion). The only thing to get through it is to wait. The "faster I can make time go", the better.

 

So I know my experience is lacking when it comes to the older kids. But maybe instead of avoidance, attack each situation. Force it. Better than sitting alone counting the minutes. But again, I do not have the direct experience.

 

Good luck to you all. Hang in there.

 

Aww I miss the days of babies :) Are you working as well?

I wish I could attack it. In fact I used to. My anxiety at new level now. It's hard to explain. I feel very ill when I am out. A walk around the block sends me in a tailspin. I used to suffer through soccer games. ppl talking to me and my face would go numb. I had trouble getting words out. Then I would run in the car and cry. After a while of this I just couldn't do it anymore. It seemed to make everything worse not better. I went on an overseas trip. I never recovered from the stress from that. I worked full-time until recently. I have no idea how I got through it as long as I did. I could never rest..

 

When I was suffering when they were little - yes I couldn't stop for anxiety. I walked them to the bus stop, took them to the park etc. Now they need me to drive them places. I cannot drive anymore. It is a source of big time panic for me.

 

I have too much time to think now. I do need to keep busy - no kids at home and I am feeling a bit useless :(

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Got a 10 month old baby girl here. I guess I can consider myself lucky that she can't recognize when I'm going through a tough spot. She is kibd of my savior in those tough anxiety times. She's the one thing that can force me to soldier through extreme anxiety because I simply cannot let her down.

 

Giving her a bath or playing with her on the floor (while I still feel the overwhelming panic) puts my mind elsewhere. Its tasks that I cannot bail on that pass the time to get through these spells. Cant not change her diaper just because I am having an anxiety attack! Can't avoid rocking her to sleep when she's having a rough night.

 

These unavoidable committments are my number one resource in my arsenal to fight my number one enemy: time.

 

Theres no magic or tricks to avoid anxiety that is chemically induced via withdrawal (in my opinion). The only thing to get through it is to wait. The "faster I can make time go", the better.

 

So I know my experience is lacking when it comes to the older kids. But maybe instead of avoidance, attack each situation. Force it. Better than sitting alone counting the minutes. But again, I do not have the direct experience.

 

Good luck to you all. Hang in there.

 

Aww I miss the days of babies :) Are you working as well?

I wish I could attack it. In fact I used to. My anxiety at new level now. It's hard to explain. I feel very ill when I am out. A walk around the block sends me in a tailspin. I used to suffer through soccer games. ppl talking to me and my face would go numb. I had trouble getting words out. Then I would run in the car and cry. After a while of this I just couldn't do it anymore. It seemed to make everything worse not better. I went on an overseas trip. I never recovered from the stress from that. I worked full-time until recently. I have no idea how I got through it as long as I did. I could never rest..

 

When I was suffering when they were little - yes I couldn't stop for anxiety. I walked them to the bus stop, took them to the park etc. Now they need me to drive them places. I cannot drive anymore. It is a source of big time panic for me.

 

I have too much time to think now. I do need to keep busy - no kids at home and I am feeling a bit useless :(

 

Hey, dont be so tough on yourself. I know the feeling. I had days where I couldnt do a darn thing. I expect those days to come back. I pray they don't but I am prepping for when they do. All of our experiences that we share here are perfect case examples that this journey is a whole bunch of ups and downs. Right now I am in an "up". You might be feeling at a bit of a "low".  I might be at a low sometime again soon, I act like I have everything in control now but catch me when I'm not with that uncontrollable, irrational anxiety. Ill be in shambles!

 

Point being, keep your outlook in a macro sense. Big picture. Things will get better. They may get pretty rough again. But the overall journey (picture a line graph) is showing an upward trend towards happiness. Again, ask me to have this outlook when I'm having panic and ill tell you to buzz off lol.

 

You list all these things you were once able to do. Drive, conversate, etc.. Its still within you. Just being masked by this chemical junk right now.  You'll get back to it.

 

And when you're starting to feel good again, I might be in a bad spot and you can tell me the same stuff! Its the ebb and flow!

 

To answer your question yes I do work. Though I dread some social interactions at work I am thankful I have something that drives the day forward and moves time. I actually have my toughest times on the weekends when my responsibilty load is a bit less.

 

Time is the enemy. Gotta kill time!

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Do you think in your condition you could have been working outside the home? I feel badly that I had to stop working. I was just so exhausted and felt I was getting worse. Are you able to get out much?

 

I was pit on Disability 4 years ago, due to all the different things caused by this and other medications, and life events/illnesses.  So, no working outside the home is a no. Before this I was outgoing and enjoyed being outside and working and helping others. Homeschooling was a huge part of what gave more purpose during this season, and now most days this too seems like an impossible task. I still try to make it out of my home, still try to do as much as I can with my wife and boys. I take it moment by moment, and if I’m feeling better I will involve myself more, if I’m truly struggling I will take time away to gather myself and work on techniques, to help me slow down and breath.

 

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I have deep respect for parents going through benzodiazepine withdrawal.  :thumbsup: I don't have kids, and i can't imagine how difficult that must be!

I for one was completely incapacitated during the severe PAWS period, loud sounds or bright light would already freak me out.

 

 

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I have deep respect for parents going through benzodiazepine withdrawal.  :thumbsup: I don't have kids, and i can't imagine how difficult that must be!

I for one was completely incapacitated during the severe PAWS period, loud sounds or bright light would already freak me out.

 

What is PAWS- something like acute withdrawal?

 

I watched a movie with the family and I found it hard to look at the screen. The radio even bothers me in the car. I am at about 4,5 mg of diazepam though and have a bit to go!

 

I had to sit through a recital recently and OMG it was sheer torture! This agoraphobia..and over sensitive to everything feeling!

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Yes. I recently, last week or so hit a rough patch. Scared and easily overstimulated. Today, my wife, came back home to pick up the boys and take them to work with her for a couple hours, until I could calm myself down enough to come pick them up. It is hard not to feel like a failure and a burden on days like this. Yet, on hold onto hope that I am healing and that one day, I will be stronger and repay all the kindness and support I am receiving. And that I also will be able to spend more quality time with my boys down the road, instead of telling them consistently “l just can’t right now boys, dad’s not feeling well.” So tired of feeling sick and saddened! Could use some more hope and healing today. Days like today I like to read success stories. I start imagining writing mine.
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Wanting to give a big shout out to all the parents here, you have my deepest admiration.  My kids have grown, but I can relate. 

 

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY

8)

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The month my daughter left for college last September is the month  I started with a new Dr. and was told no more Xanax after 10 years. Then I stateted my taper and haven’t seen her since as she went far away. This is somewhat related . I miss her so much . I miss the way things used to be. The past 6 months have been very hard . Emotionally It feels like a double whammy.  I’m sure if she was here she would be supportive like your oldest. Hang in there mom.
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The month my daughter left for college last September is the month  I started with a new Dr. and was told no more Xanax after 10 years. Then I stateted my taper and haven’t seen her since as she went far away. This is somewhat related . I miss her so much . I miss the way things used to be. The past 6 months have been very hard . Emotionally It feels like a double whammy.  I’m sure if she was here she would be supportive like your oldest. Hang in there mom.

 

Kiva,

 

I sent my first to college in August and it is brutal. He is 6 hours away by car so see him when he comes home for breaks and we went up once in the fall and then will go for Easter. It is really, really hard. It is a rough life transition and really kicked my anxiety into overdrive. And it's still hard even though August was many months ago. Take care of yourself.

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The month my daughter left for college last September is the month  I started with a new Dr. and was told no more Xanax after 10 years. Then I stateted my taper and haven’t seen her since as she went far away. This is somewhat related . I miss her so much . I miss the way things used to be. The past 6 months have been very hard . Emotionally It feels like a double whammy.  I’m sure if she was here she would be supportive like your oldest. Hang in there mom.

 

Oh I feel sad for you, that must be hard. Do you get to talk to her much on the phone? I don't have close friends - I might have if it weren't for my crippling anxiety over the last 6-7 years, so my family is everything to me. i know I will take it hard when my daughter goes away to college!

 

 

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