Feeling Like I’ll Never Get Better

WARNING:  TRIGGERING....

I’m so sad & angry that I let a therapist talk me into taking an AD which I needed a benzo in order to tolerate.  And guess what!?  I was crying & depressed all the time from Ambien w/d & never new it until this forum!  I can’t believe this is my life now.  I’m so angry.  I’m in so much chronic pain, anhedonia, fear, depression so heavy, anxiety & irritability.  So much DR & SI every other month.  I’m almost at the protracted forum length of time & its miserable & terrifying on that board!  I feel like I’ll be permanently “injured” & I can’t believe this is my life now.  I used to be cool, happy, sexy, confident & outgoing.  Now I’m isolated, introverted, scared, sad, in pain & borderline hopeless most of the time. 

Geodon withdrawal is what started me on klonopin. It's so horrific and there's no way to describe it. Even going down 2 mg a month I felt it and used a benzo to help with the anxiety. I was a butt on the klonopin so I did a five day detox I couldn't stand it.  Now I'm 14 1/2 months off and could really tell I was getting better then went into a full window. Saturday night I went to BW3s and ate like a normal person which threw me into the next to worse wave yet only second to the two weeks my body was stuck in way to low mode and I almost passed out every second.

Low bp sorry

HCH,

 

What you're going through is incredibly hard - of course you're angry. And brave. Your body has been through so much, and it's still working hard to heal itself and find a healthy balance again. You're not alone. You can and will get through this, even though it feels as though this is forever. Everyone going through withdrawal feels that, sometimes for very long periods.

 

The pain is not forever, buddy. This will not be your life. Can you distract in a positive way at all? Regarding the protracted forum: I don't think it's a positive place for healing. I know some will disagree, but it's clearly scaring you. I think people read there and expect the worst... Try not to go on there. Instead, maybe seek out more positive threads where people discuss their small victories, things that are helping them, etc.

 

Sending strength and support your way.

Hi HCH, I feel your pain, I mourn for my old self, the energetic fun loving person who seems to be all but gone. I’m very depressed, wrestle dark thoughts, and have a deep fear that maybe this isn’t withdrawal and it’s just the new me. I have to say it’s easy to become discouraged as we progress along but still have so many symptoms to deal with. Even when my symptoms ease I’m still left with this sort of empty dead-inside feeling, like I can’t feel joy or get excited about anything. I’m slowly, very very slowly starting to inch back to doing things, as opposed to lying on the couch all day, but I don’t feel like my old self, everything’s such an effort. I think what you and I are experiencing is unfortunately quite typical of benzo withdrawal, you’re further along than me so I really hope you turn a corner soon.

Thank you guys.  That’s really helpful.  I try to come on here & give words of encouragement to others as well but I needed some help right now.  I’ll definitely stay off of the protracted board.  Today seems like it may be better.  Thanks guys ♥️