Acutely aware of strange thoughts, is this withdrawal?

I've become acutely over-aware of thoughts in general and they have mostly turned anxious or negative and can totally come out of nowhere. For example, I was watching a movie last night where a man was standing over his father's gravestone and was speaking about how he wasn't there when he passed, but that he was going to live on in his memory, because that's what his father would have wanted.

 

The entire time this was happening, all I could picture was the body in the ground underneath him. And then I had a thought of, "So he has this conversation once, but does it actually stick, or does he have to repeat it to himself in his head on a daily basis? And both of these things immediately struck me with extreme anxiety and I couldn't understand why I was having the thoughts, nor why they were causing so much anxiety in me. It's like I become fixated on the process of thoughts and what I should and should not be thinking, which also causes me to panic over things that are intrusively in my head or things that repeat in my head and I don't want to think about or feel.

 

This manifests into a bunch of other things when it comes to my thoughts and anxiety, but this was the most recent example I was capable of using. It just doesn't feel like normal situational anxiety like I am used to. It's like my brain and thoughts fight themselves and it makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I also suffer from death related thoughts and existential stuff.

 

Does anyone else suffer from this and is it caused by withdrawal? I'm about 9 months out at this point and wondering if this maybe isn't just some sort of manifestation of my own high anxiety that was initially brought on by the withdrawal. Really considering seeking out a therapist. How do you become unaware of something once you've already become aware of it?

I don't know about anyone else, but this sounds entirely like withdrawal to me. With the nerves misfiring in every part of the body, there are going to be brain misfirings, too. I have never been so mixed up in the brain as I have been resulting from benzos. Bizarre thoughts, obsessions, intrusive thought patterns, being quite anxious from many of the thoughts. And, yes, thinking of death is a part of benzo withdrawal. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. But it's what we have to work with at this time. They say distraction is key. The next time one of these thoughts decides to make a visit, maybe try shifting suddenly to a more positive thought or play an online game that will allow all your attention to be focused on that. I know this is difficult to go through. I've been through it myself and am, unfortunately, still going through it. But I have to believe that these bizarre thoughts will leave and the obsessions, too.

If you didn’t have these thoughts before the drugs, it is caused by them. Unwanted, strange and upsetting thoughts is a common withdrawal symptom.

Thank you for the replies. Withdrawal is the only conclusion I can come to. I've of course had issues with anxiety, but never to this extent. I think scary intrusive thoughts are commonplace with anxiety to some degree, but this feels far different. It has obviously lasted months to varying degrees, but it has been so incredibly intense that I lose my logic and I can't seem to stay grounded or in the present. I really begin to feel what the thoughts say and this often leads me to feeling completely hopeless because I have no idea why the hell my mind is so chaotic and uncontrollable. It HAS to be withdrawal, because otherwise I don't even know how to go about treating this as just typical anxiety.

These stupid meds pretty much create an existential crisis in anyone in withdrawal. I ruminate about everything and most of it is negative and are worries about stuff that I didn't use to worry about obsessively. The tiniest thing will trigger a jolt of anxiety. I view the world in a way I didn't use to and it is not a very nice place at the moment. I didn't use to be this way and I cannot wait until the day I am not like this anymore.

Withdrawal can put your brain in an altered state, it’s not like normal anxiety. Thoughts can be so far out of character, uncontrollable, and take on a life of their own. The trick is to accept and acknowledge this is from the drug induced brain trauma, and not allow yourself to become panicked about them, which will make you feel a lot worse and intensity the syndrome.

This has been one of my worst symptoms. Mindfulness, meditation, distraction helps.

Yeah, you guys explained it perfectly.

 

This withdrawal is totally destroying me. But, this good news is.. There is a definite pattern to it now. It's the exact same as the last two days. I wake up in the morning feeling intense fear and terror, but I carry on through it.. And then halfway through the day, something happens and I start to feel stressed and my thoughts get obsessive.. Brain fog and confusion sets in and my thoughts begin to race. Hardcore anxiety builds throughout all of this and then it starts shooting intrusive thoughts at me.. By about 6-7 o'clock, I notice that I have this incredible inner agitation building inside me and I can't get any of my thoughts straight and everything is out of control.

 

And it just sits and stays like this. I can't get my mind off of it and I can't seem to get out of the stress loop. Feels like I can't think or calculate anything and I am stuck in the most severe fog I have ever felt in my life. It's literally the exact same thing as yesterday. And I have had zero sugar or any weird stimulating foods. I can't tell if it gets better really late at night, or if I'm just used to it and too exhausted to care as much.

Today was a bit better. I woke up feeling very clear this morning, after having a near panic attack and severe air hunger/shortness of breath while trying to sleep last night. It was like something reset, although I was still stuck with the severe OCD (hyperfocused on breathing/thoughts), I didn't feel like I was in such a massive state of confusion/fog. It seems like everything gets far worse as the day progresses and it has come tenfold by the time evening rolls around. I just need to fall out of this constant state of fight or flight and I would feel so much better. This anxiety is maddening.

glad today is a little better liveabove.

for me, its like a super exaggerated uncontrollable version of my old self.

im a deep thinker, sometimes i would dwell on strange thoughts or perceptions, but i always had the ability to tune it out or shut it off.

now, my weirdness is racing through me, being crammed into my brain at such an intense level i cant stop it.

its coupled with the physical tension and anxiety, like the deep thinking knob in my brain has been turned up to 11 and broken off.

a lot of symptoms have calmed down, but this constant tension now is through the roof, and the constant intrusive thoughts are crazy level. it feels like my blood pressure must be 300/200 right now (i checked it yesterday it wasnt bad, low number a tad high 125/83)

 

i keep wondering where im going to "land"

my old self, i could have used cognitive therapy now to control my anxiety and one everything in life id want to do,

now, ugh, i wont be able to manage this level of discomfort and anxiety/tension.

we'll see where this all lands after withdrawal, which i fear will never really totally go away.

It does appear as a ramped up version of my old self Skywalker, minus the monitor button.

 

The existential stuff has me sometimes think that with the removal or partial removal of the drugs I have somehow unmasked myself with thoughts and memories flooding my brain uncontrollably.  It can be terrifying.

 

I am seeking homeostasis and a levelling so have set an appointment to develop skill in mindfulness and relaxation as do want for my true self to emerge, but want for that self to have control and that's going to take practice. 

 

Previously I handed control over to the drugs and they don't like letting go of the power.  Self does not come easy that's for sure. 

 

Sometimes I think I'm just talking shite, but this is how it feels for me and how I'm trying to understand it. 

 

Dee

 

 

You sound exactly like me, Luke. I too struggle with those same uncontrollable intrusive thoughts and anxious, looping through patterns. I've always been a deep thinker as well, but never have I felt that I needed to fight for control over my mind. This is definitely a withdrawal symptom and there are far too many success stories and people that had horrible chemical anxiety and totally healed from it.

Here's a book I'm presently reading that I find very insightful, and has some good strategies. Great help for me as I had some anxiety before the drugs. Might help you to cope until the anxiety subsides.

 

 

https://www.newharbinger.com/rewire-your-anxious-brain

 

 

 

Thanks for that Pedro I'll have a look too.

 

I hope I'm allowed to post in this section of the site from time to time didn't have the wherewithal to read all of the rules properly.  I'm not really "post" I'm tapering. 

 

I just wander around reading everything in the hope that I will find something, someone to help.  "My best friend the doctor, won't even tell me what it is I've got". ~ Bob Dylan

 

All of your above comments have helped me enormously.  Hope I can kick back someday. 

 

Thank you so.

 

Dee x