Just hit my 9 month mark.

So, I just hit the 9 month mark about two days ago or so. I wish I could say that I was totally healed and feeling amazing, but unfortunately that isn't the case. I definitely see where things have improved, but I'm also still very much struggling with severe mental anxiety. Most of the time I still just don't feel like myself, or who I was before all of the psych meds. I don't really feel 'life' anymore, if that makes any sense. My emotions and thoughts are generally just filled with anxious, negative thoughts. I definitely have days that are better than others, but I wouldn't say I've had any "true" windows, just days where it seems much more tolerable and I'm able to efficiently distract without trying hard.

 

On the good side of things, I will say that my sleep has returned to 7-8+ hours a night. I still can't take naps during the day, but it's a vast improvement over the 2-3 hours I was getting, if I was even able to sleep. I don't miss that. The brain fog and confusion has gotten better, but rears its ugly head here and there. I still feel "dumb" a lot of the time, like I lost a ton of knowledge and memories. Sometimes it feels like I don't really have a past, because I can't vividly remember things from the past anymore, it's all a big foggy blur, which is disheartening. I really do hope this returns.

 

My memory has improved, but it still has a ways to go, because I have a tendency to forget things that happened just yesterday or retaining information. As far as remembering specific things or numbers/combinations, everything feels back to normal. I just have a hard time being in the moment and remembering conversations or situations.

 

Physically, I suffer with air hunger and your typical symptoms of anxiety like rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. I also have this strange sensorimotor OCD issue that I have developed along with the intrusive thoughts. I get obsessed or fixated on my breathing and I can't seem to stop thinking about and controlling it. This has been going on for about 5 months now. Another fear that this just might be how I am now, because I can't seem to find a way to fix it or stop. My mind just obsesses uncontrollably on fearful things.

 

The DP/DR is much better than it was, but I still get it every now and then. Headaches are gone and I don't really struggle from benzo belly anymore.

 

I know that I should be so happy and grateful to have made improvements in these areas, but it's still really difficult to enjoy life or just relax, because of all the psychological symptoms that I still struggle with on a daily basis. As I said before, I struggle with basically just not feeling like myself. I suffer from near constant anxious, negative thoughts and my brain has turned into a serious negative pessimist. I still have a very difficult time seeing the positive or good in things and my mind just wants to immediately jump to negativity, which it never used to do. I also don't think/feel/react normally to anything anymore, including emotions. It just feels like I'm a completely different person that is entirely ruled by uncontrollable, fearful thoughts.

 

I used to be very confident in myself, sarcastic/witty and generally easygoing and fun to be around. Just a normal guy. Now, my mind is just filled with anxiety, negativity and thoughts of withdrawal. It's really emotionally and spiritually painful to live with. My confidence is at an all time low and I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone, nor anything to add to conversations because I feel like I have nothing to say. My mind just doesn't work like it used to and I have to think of things to say or how to respond. It just doesn't come naturally anymore and it makes me feel awful about myself sometimes and terrified that this is just the way that I am now.

 

I also seem to have trouble with looping, obsessive intrusive thoughts. I just ruminate like crazy and it often feels beyond my control. This goes along with the anxious intrusive thoughts that I struggle with. Of course this comes and goes, but it's almost an OCD of sorts. I just constantly have thoughts about things that I don't want to think about. I don't ever remember struggling against my thoughts before all of this. Of course I had anxiety and stress, but it just felt like a natural part of life and nothing I had to worry about or struggle against. It just doesn't feel like my brain works like that anymore. I worry and stress about everything, even stress and worry. It's like a meta anxiety of sorts and I'm not sure how to free myself of this constant over-awareness. The only time I manage this is in the moments where I am heavily distracted in something.

 

Anyway, I didn't want this to be an entirely negative post. I definitely see improvements here and there. It's far and beyond how I was when I first started all of this, especially compared to by month 4-6 wave. It just feels like symptoms are replaced by other symptoms sometimes, which can be equally as difficult to deal with, but it all waxes and wanes. I never expected to be struggling this far out. I remember when I was early on and I couldn't at all relate to the month 6+ posts of people still struggling, let alone anything beyond 8 months. I just assumed people had other issues outside of the withdrawal that had convinced them it was still withdrawal, but it was really anxiety and all that. I think I was wrong, because now I'm the one at month 9, still struggling with all of those things. It definitely makes me worry that maybe it's not withdrawal, but I see so many people post about those very same fears and the "benzo lies", so I'm trying to keep the faith and hang in there.

 

I really hope all of you are doing well, no one should have to endure this hell. Either way, however much progress you have made, is progress you will never have to endure again. You're that much closer to being totally healed, so hang in there with me. We'll get through this.

Really Great post LiveAboveIt, it is good that you have seen improvements and your physical smptoms seems not to worry you too much. Sleep return is also very poitive thing. I think it might be difficult to me understand what you are going through in the mental side as it is something very personal. I have many times had tinking about my wd isues, sometimes I have tried to explaing what I go through to my closest but afterwards I have noticed they haven't got it. It is good thing that you have made a great selfanalysis about your healing status and it might give you something to work with. My own thinking says that I can not impact how I feel and what my healt issues are but I can impact what I do so I try to do whatever makses sense from the healing point of view. Take care! T.

That’s great you’re noticing some improvements with your physical symptoms. I can absolutely relate to mental symptoms being the most troubling at this stage of withdrawal (I’m 8 months out). Anxiety, blunted emotions and memory issues seem to be the symptoms that are lingering the longest, without much sign of improvement. This takes so long it’s understandable to suspect we haven’t healed much at all, but I believe that out GABA system is under furious repair constantly and how we feel may not necessarily be a good indicator of whether or not healing is actually taking place.  It’s crazy how long this process takes, I honestly believed I’d have withdrawal symptoms for a few weeks and then get back to normal, I’m learning the hard way thats not the case. This is a marathon not a sprint, but there is a finish line regardless. I hope your anxiety can soon be relegated to the former symptoms box for you.

This certainly does take far too long. As much as I am grateful that I do not struggle with many physical symptoms, I feel that the mental symptoms are far worse, in my experience. I can grit my teeth and power through most things, but this relentless fear and terror brings me to my knees. It's just a constant state of fight or flight and living on the edge of a tight rope, feeling as though I might fall at any moment and my mind is just screaming at me. I've developed pretty severe OCD through this, mostly to do with being hyperfocused of both my breathing and thoughts. I miss the window/wave pattern that I had during my first three months or so, because I feel like I've been in a near 5 month wave at this point.

Hey Live,

 

I hit nine months on Sunday. And like you, my first two months were actually easier in some ways. And the last 6 months have been really tough. I don’t have any glorious windows either, justvdays that aren’t as bad. For me, I have four main bugger symptoms. Anxiety/fear is right up there.

 

I’m just trying to say you aren’t alone in where you are at nine months. I’m still in the thick of it, though like you, seeing some small improvements.

 

Congrats on nine months. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life. And you’ll never have to do it again. I’m so glad you are seeing some change. I spoke to Baylissa and she told me for the thousandth time that I’m still in the throes of wd and that I will heal because everyone’s journey ends in recovery.

 

We’ll get there!

Mcs

Hey McS,

 

I really appreciate the response. Sometimes it's really hard to believe that this is still withdrawal, so it comforts me to know that I'm not alone in the severe fear/anxiety this far out. As much as I wish none of us had to go through this, it's always nice to not feel alone. The positivity is very much appreciated too!

LiveAboveIt, I'm in a similar boat. I'm only a few weeks ahead of you - about 7 days away from being 10 months off.

 

The healing I've seen is very minor and infrequent - dreams & emotions coming back, significantly lessened anxiety. But I've been feeling slightly worse than baseline, lately (may have to do with the fact I stopped 10mg Prozac in November and my body is still adjusting). My tinnitus, brain fog/realization, fatigue, memory problems, weight gain/digestive issues, and vision issues are just as bad (if not worse) as they were when I was still taking K.

 

It's frustrating as hell. While I was on benzos and started hitting tolerance withdrawal, I spent years terrified of the symptoms I was experiencing and was convinced I had some rare condition. The symptoms were affecting my day-to-day life significantly and I spent so much time/energy/money trying to figure out why I felt so terribly all the time.

 

Even though I figured out what was going on, it seems extra cruel that I'm still suffering as much as I am and that it's unknown how long I'll have to wait to get true relief. I'm hanging on and praying that I can keep up the facade with work/life until I start to feel back to normal again.

 

You're right, no one should ever have to endure this. We're both on our way to healing. Wishing you all the best on your journey - I am telling myself that good things are coming soon for both of us 

 

 

I've just hit nine months too! I so agree with all you have said .. e felt for the sleep ! I am very envious !!

It's true.. it's not like you have a window. It's also not like every day is 'dark' .. it's a funny old thing..

All the best for the next nine months x