17 months!

It's been a long time since I did an update. The main reason being that I had a really turbulent time since a year off. Months 12/13/14 had some bad waves but some great windows too.

 

I also had a health problem around 13/14 months off, I got a kidney stone. On top of the wd horror I had the most horrific pain and sickness from that. I ended up having a procedure to remove the stone and a stent put in. I had to take oxycodone for 2 weeks for the pain. Glad that is behind me now.

 

Since 14.5 I entered a huge horror wave worse than anything since I jumped. I used to have just a few hours of sx a day, since this waves it's been 8-15 hrs a day. It's been going 10 weeks now and is still causing a lot of problems. In my windows I feel 90-95% but they have been few and far between. Evenings at least tend to be fairly ok for the most part so I get some reprieve. Couple weeks back I had a week of days with some amazing windows where I felt like I was close to done, everything was gone, I felt incredible. Then back into this again. Really hoping this is a last big wave before the recovery really sets in.

 

Since this wave started I got a huge increase in anxiety which I didn't have much of for a long time. Body pain / aches / nerve pain etc has been center of this, along with the anxiety. Along with many times just feeling awful.

 

This last week has been tough, worst week since Jan 1.

 

It's been hard to say the least, especially when I felt like I was really turning around at 14 months where I mostly felt decent. I've continued to work through all of this and there have been many days I come home in tears. It has helped the time pass quicker though and I even got a good performance review in spite of the struggles I've had. I feel proud that I've been able to keep my boss happy, some days I wonder how I made it through the days.

 

Right now I'm doing ok after a horror day yesterday, and so I thought I'd write this while I'm of a clear mind and more positive. I am hopeful as I reach 18+ that I might finally see the light towards full recovery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Klungo,

 

Congratulations on this milestone!

 

Unfortunately, it takes many of us more than 18 months to heal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  It took me over two years, but each symptom gradually began to fall away, and most of this happened after the 18 month mark.

 

Thanks Megan, starting to think it might be somewhere in the 18-24 range. It does seem like 18 ish is when things start to resolve for most.

 

Happy to be close to the hump at least!

Hang in there Klungo. You are doing incredible for the toll you have taken.  I wish you full recovery soon!  SoulMan

Thanks man, it's been a horrible journey, just trying to be strong and get through the last part of this.

Keep going Buddie. I’m nearly 19 months off and am experiencing abt. The same symptoms as you. What a long confusing journey this benzo hell can be. Won’t be long and we will both be writing our success stories. I been a wave now for abt a month. It sucks!!!

Thanks Ben, look forward to that day!

 

It's crappy, this morning had anxiety but felt ok then achy then 1 hour feeling great then back to feeling awful. Its so up and down constantly now.

 

Are you seeing anything like that too?

 

I see 20 months a lot as the point people start to feel good consistently, hope you see that soon too.

Yes klungo I am having the same thing today. Anxiety and racing thoughts this morning then some depression before lunch and now I’m feeling some peace but as always it will prolly go back to anxiety. What really makes me anxious and fearful is trying to occupy myself when I’m alone. I have lost all interest in everything (apathy) and all I can do is basically sit and stare at the wall. I have a couple hobbies that used to bring me such joy and also loved to spend some quiet alone time after work. That’s all gone due to existing in a constant state of fear. What a journey we are on. I went through alcohol withdrawals a few years back and experienced the same symptoms but they only lasted for about 2 weeks and quickly subsided. I thought back then that nothing could be worse than that. Boy was I wrong. This is so much worse because it just goes on and on and on. I’m sure we’ll turn a corner soon. Take care.

I know what you mean, I have no interest in anything (except in windows), it's hard to when you feel like crap all the time.

I don't like being alone still, fortunately my fiance is here a lot with me when im not working.

 

 

Glad to hear you are still having some windows... you will get there. Just going to work every day is a massive accomplishment. Right behind you at 16 months and really hoping to start seeing improvements as well in many areas. I've been trying some infrared Sauna sessions for about 40 min 3 times a week. Seems to help a little..

Thanks Colley, windows have been minimal this last 10 weeks. It's really been tough. Today I felt good for an hour then had a horror wave again, feel terrible.

 

I've been getting weekly massages and they help a bit too.

Had a 3 hour window last night. First window in over a month. Even watched a tv show and was able to enjoy it instead of sitting there and numbly starring at it with no emotion. Well unfortunately that window has since slammed shut and I’m back in hell walking with the devil. Anxiety,fear,DP/DR,severe head pressure,apathy,Brain zaps and a few others a don’t care to speak of. What a horrible poison these doctors are pushing. 19 months out. Unbelievable!!!!! Well it was nice while it lasted.

It's disgusting that we have to go through this. Life is a living hell. I want my life back..

I hear you. Why do doctors look so puzzled when we victims try to describe what has happened to us. All I ever hear is that it’s out of my system do it’s impossable to be from the benzo. I referred him to Benzo Buddies and he told me you can’t believe anything you read on the internet just before he tried talking me into reinstatement and trying another antidepressant. Doctors are clueless.

Today has been another horror show for me. I wish I was making this up.. Unfortunately that's the attitude of most Dr's, that it can't possibly be going on still. Yet the experts know this takes a couple of years usually, give or take.

Hi Klungo,

Sorry, you had a bad day today. Hope tomorrow is better for you. Hang in there buddy, praying that you are on the last leg of your journey and will be writing your success story soon! Like you said and what I read on the forum people seemed to consistently feel good between 18-20 months give or take.

 

Sending lots of hugs and love your way,

 

Blessings!

Pi

Thanks Pi. The wave went even til I was in bed and again 4am, intense anxiety this morning. I can't believe how bad things have gotten lately.

Hi Klungo, so sorry you've been through so much and are still going through so much. Maybe the stress from the kidney stone has your system worked up--hope it calms down soon. Amazing that you've been able to work through it all and congrats on your good review. I am not healed yet either, but I'm feeling pretty good these days as long as I stick to my routine and avoid stress. It takes such a long time but every day we are healing. Congrats on 17 months!

Thanks Tee. It's possible the stone affected me. I feel like I'm getting worse.. it's very hard to cope with

Hey Klingo I hope you’re getting the wi does happening again.  I’m wondering whether the oxycodone and anaesthetic revved up your cns again.  Of so it shouldn’t have put you back too far and a window will be on the coming horizon.  I’m 21 months out and felt great enough to attempt to fix the shoulder injury that put me here in the first place.  Yet another idiot professional and I’m doing my utmost to resist pain meds and keep my part time job.... we will all freaking get there; my windows have been amazing and will be back same as yours xx

I'm sorry you're going through this, hope it is your final wave and you heal soon. sending you so much love <3

Thank you rikatu, the wave still continues at 3.5 months, though the windows are getting better and the sx less intense. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel coming up to 18.5 months. I think this is the place where most people start to improve a lot, so just have to hold on a little longer.