Feel like giving up

I've been fighting this for 3 years, and it has been horrific through all this time. I've never stabilized on any dose, and my life has been a living hell. I've had a decent life up to a point, and now I feel like it's gone forever, and never to come back. Just so defeated and doubting if this is survivable. I am not a person I used to be, and feel like a hollow shell. What's the point?

I've been fighting this for 3 years, and it has been horrific through all this time. I've never stabilized on any dose, and my life has been a living hell. I've had a decent life up to a point, and now I feel like it's gone forever, and never to come back. Just so defeated and doubting if this is survivable. I am not a person I used to be, and feel like a hollow shell. What's the point?

I can relate to exactly how you're feeling.  Fighting for over 4 years and right there with you in the same place as I could not stabilize even on a higher dose.  All these psyche meds are so debilitating.  Were you feeling this way before meds?  What are your current medications doing for you?  Looks like you are on 2 benzos ? I think if we had a decent life up to a point then we will be able to have that back. 

I've been fighting this for 3 years, and it has been horrific through all this time. I've never stabilized on any dose, and my life has been a living hell. I've had a decent life up to a point, and now I feel like it's gone forever, and never to come back. Just so defeated and doubting if this is survivable. I am not a person I used to be, and feel like a hollow shell. What's the point?

I can relate to exactly how you're feeling.  Fighting for over 4 years and right there with you in the same place as I could not stabilize even on a higher dose.  All these psyche meds are so debilitating.  Were you feeling this way before meds?  What are your current medications doing for you?  Looks like you are on 2 benzos ? I think if we had a decent life up to a point then we will be able to have that back.

 

I was on ativan originally, low dose 0.5mg. Over time, I started getting more and more anxious and did not have a proper understanding that although ativan was treating the immediate anxiety, it was creating much more long term anxiety as the time went by. Found this place and the Ashton manual and decided to cross over to valium, but was never able to find a doctor who was able to cross me over properly in the beginning. Both doctors wanted to do it much too fast. So, the crossover failed in a way, although the valium helped me reduce ativan down to 0.5mg. Never taken Klonopin before and not comfortable going that route. Having too many life issues to make any med changes at this point.

 

I was relatively ok when I was on an SSRI only, but have learned that being on an SSRI + bzd was not a good combination for me.

Hi, 

Are you stil taking Gabapentin?  I took it for 9 months after stopping Klonopin.  I was severely depressed.  My ob\gyn, of all people,  told me of its harmful side effects, and I tapered off.  My depression lifted very soon after, and all my symptoms got better.  Doctors are pushing this drug like crazy, but it can be dangerous for some.

I hope things get better for you soon.  I'm two years off, and still have symptoms.  Mostly anxiety.

 

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from your recent post.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

 

Yes, unfortunately, I do take Gabapentin. Basically taking it for severe nerve pain that started happening while being in a severe interdose withdrawal from ativan. Yes, those CNS depressants are not really helpful when trying to deal with depression. But, the sad truth of the matter is that my CNS feels so fragile and overstimulated. I used to drink coffee and can no longer touch it. Sugar revs me up. Ended up developing Type II diabetes through this, where my blood sugar was perfect before benzos and even before the tolerance. Where I live, Gabapentin is the doctor's favorite for getting people off the benzos. But then again, it does work on those voltage gated Calcium channels in the brain and helps reduce bzd dependence. It's just an unfortunate polypharmacy situation that arose due to what had ativan done to me, which is a benzo I'd never taken had I known just how insidious it would be for me. Not that the other ones are necessarily 'better', but I found Ativan incredibly noxious and unpredictable. I also found it hard to separate its own effects from the underlying problems that brought me to it in the first place.

Dont give up. Lorazepam really is the worst..

You are still on meds so your system is struggling But it gehts better.

I Had Lots of Months „on hold“ and it felt as If

Nothing Would change But - it did.

believe me, and go on. Ar the Point where you are

Now you cannot see how far you have come

And the progress - But you are Doing everything right!

Take a Deep breath - you will get better

Hi LF,

 

I'm dropping by to see how your are feeling today.  It is so difficult to feel stuck in WD "greyness." I hope you have had some relief since your post. 

 

I was looking at your drug signature and wondering about the Buspar.  Did your doctor prescribe that to alleviate the depressing effects of the Diazepam/Lorazepam and Gabapentin?  If yes, do you think it's helping any? 

 

I too have been suffering from near-unrelenting anhedonia (since I began tapering).  I have stayed away from supplements because of warnings having to do with our over-sensitized nervous system.  However, I have found a few things surprisingly helpful to help my moods.  These are ~ fresh citrus juices (orange and lemon) and raw ginger juice shots.  I can't say why they work (for me), but they do.  So I thought I would share that here.

 

Again, I hope you have felt some relief.  I love reading your well thought out, articulate and kind posts on this forum.  You are an invaluable member of our support community. 

 

StarGrass

OMG - 3 yr. is a hell of a long time. I've been 18 mo. off K and still having a rough time of it - though a bit less than just a few mo. ago. I too haven't seen hide nor hair of myself since being on this wretched stuff several yrs. ago. I feel sort of

constricted in terms of expressing emotions or anything much at all. Since I cannot express myself - I feel locked away with no access to the key. Has really been an abject nightmare. Wish I knew what could free you from your situation - would think there must be a way to get out of it. I really hope I can recover - I could not live indefinitely like this. Plus I still need to get shed of the other meds. Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened that I got so far off track - somewhere along the way. 

Oh, Loraz, I just noticed this. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Moods wax and wane. I know this is all really horrendous, but nothing stays the same. It's going to change for the better. You just have to get through this very rough patch. This, too, shall pass. Take your thoughts one at a time. I know the tendency to start thinking one thought after another. That starts the tidal wave of thoughts crashing down, and soon you feel like you're drowning in them. Fear and doubt looms very large. I was watching a TED talk last night, and Dr. Amen was saying "don't believe everything that your mind tells you." It's hard not to when you feel so defeated. Just take it one step at a time, see if you can slow your thoughts, do whatever you can to feel better. You'll get through this!!! 

Oh, Loraz, I just noticed this. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Moods wax and wane. I know this is all really horrendous, but nothing stays the same. It's going to change for the better. You just have to get through this very rough patch. This, too, shall pass. Take your thoughts one at a time. I know the tendency to start thinking one thought after another. That starts the tidal wave of thoughts crashing down, and soon you feel like you're drowning in them. Fear and doubt looms very large. I was watching a TED talk last night, and Dr. Amen was saying "don't believe everything that your mind tells you." It's hard not to when you feel so defeated. Just take it one step at a time, see if you can slow your thoughts, do whatever you can to feel better. You'll get through this!!! 

 

:thumbsup:

 

This too shall pass, although its  hard  to believe.  Only recently and Im just ahead of you have I seen that symptom

dissipate somewhat and in windows completely gone, so I hang out for the windows, and try and remember them

on my darker days if I can.

 

Distraction has been a bonus and sometimes taking time out for yourself

 

You help many people on here with all  your posts maybe its time to nurture YOU

 

  :smitten:

 

 

LF, just stopping by to tell you how much your kindness meant to me during my most recent bout of akathisia. You have a great soul...I am so sorry you're suffering so badly. But I believe completely you will get out the other side of this thing. Please hang in there. We need folks like you.

 

Sending love and strength.

 

 

I just read this LF. I don't want to give any advice but I also don't want you to give up. What you are going through will pass but you have to keep trying. These days I preach the virtues of exercise a lot because, from my own experience, I can see it as being the only thing that could have made my taper easy. Are you getting any walking around the block/park done? I know it can be difficult in a withdrawal (I picked it up when I was OK and  carried on when withdrawals arrived). I was inspired by Carol Jean's posts -- she walked through her CT at the age 60+.

I just read the 2/14 post.  You are fighting through this pharmaceutical-induced hell the best anyone could regardless of how you might feel and express such.  I can see it.

Hi Loraz,

 

I suffered like you for 6 years and was ready to give up so many times but with the help of BB I learned that the only way I was going to get better is getting off of benzos. I figured I was already suffering so much and it could only get better. Lorazapam is what messed me up. I switched to Valium to help me taper but it was never the same and I suffered even more. I finally decided to CT from the Valium and I've now been benzo free since August 29, 2017. As you can see from my timeline, I still had some bad days but they weren't any worse than when I was on benzos. However I started getting windows and more windows. In December, that whole moth was great. My anxiety was so low and mostly I was experiencing physical SFX like nervousness, tinnitus and acid reflux. It was all bearable and I actually gained back 7 pounds.  Since then I've had some good days and at the beginning of the month I had 10 straight days of feeling almost perfect.

 

BTW, I've tried Gabapentin, Serequil, Propronolol, CBD oil and supplements. Gaba, Serequil, Prop didn't help and I actually felt worse. Gaba helped a little but then just made me feel worse.

 

Benzos made our CNS hyper sensitive and that's why you need to get off of them and give your body some time to heal. This is the core of the problem.

 

I'm at 6.5 months out and from what I've been experiencing and what others have reported it does get better and better.

 

Be strong, be hopeful, keep yourself occupied. God bless you.

 

 

How are you doing now LF? Considering the renewed attention this thread has received, I think you owe us an update. 

How are you doing now LF? Considering the renewed attention this thread has received, I think you owe us an update. 

 

Listening to logic's 1-800 song . I really like it

 

 

 

And I like it too! Good offering... thanks!

I think I’ll keep tabs on you here ❤️

 

Let’s continue to comfort LorazepamFree2015 and give continued support— he does quite a lot for others and is a great buddy for all of us because he is an amazing person.

LF,

 

Here it is!  I knew I saw a thread where you posted about being in a really bad spot.  Hugs hugs and more hugs   You’re doing great!  It’s amazing you’re so strong to hold on and make it this far already.  I’m sorry it’s taking so long.  Like you, I was on psych drugs for a long time.  Off ADs for 3 years and even though I’m tapering Know, that c/t really changed me.  I haven’t recovered from it, doubted I would stabilize after that, so just went ahead in starting tapering anyway.  It’s been so difficult to be my own company day in and day out.  I’m not the best cheerleader for myself.  Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I’m grateful you’re here.  And I’m damn proud of you! 

Might want to try something stronger than Buspar. Cymbalta worked for me. Off it now.

 

I live because of God and you!