So Foreign to Anxiety

I've always been anxious growing up. Anxious about relatives coming over, being over critical about how I look. Anxious if guys would like me. Anxious about my severe acne during teenage years. But I never felt this intense anxiety until 4-5 months ago and it feels really foreign.

I'm not sure if it's because I began tapering down Cymbalta (I was down to a little pebble from the capsule because I was opening the capsule to taper, I was feeling better and also getting prepared for pregnancy) and then an incident at work happened, compounded with house buying. An ex coworker texted some nasty, long messages to me at night and I felt that my character was defamed. I now know I should never engage in any gossip at work, even if others start it first and you agree with them, they can say so and so said this about you. I should never talk badly about anyone even if I dislike them so much. She was really a bad coworker, loud, not considerate, curses, and complained about her "work" although she had the easiest work to deal with. When that happened, I felt like my world was collapsing - I felt that my workmates took me as a "scapegoat" and hence the ex coworker had to lash out at me. Maybe it was the stress from that, maybe it is the stress from tapering Cymbalta at the time but I began to have such intense stress, anxiety that I have never felt before. It got worse when I restarted Cymbalta right after. I just thought that since Cymbalta was working for me for so long, if I just retake it and then taper off later on then I will feel better.

I did not. I felt worse. I never had any side effects before from Cymbalta than the usual "dry mouth" and "loss appetite" which went away after a while the first time I took Cymbalta 10 years ago. For the first time, I couldn't really sleep.

I felt these weird thoughts that when I'm driving, thinking "what if I hit myself at the freeway wall.." I had weird, obsessive thoughts that consumed me. I had to quit my job due to my anxiety with my workmates. I had to end up taking a second antidepressant, Trazodone for sleep. After taking the two I developed muscle twitching, dizziness, heart palpitations, heart racing - which I'm still having even though I am no longer on Trazodone for 4-5 days now.

It doesn't help now that I'm not working, I am so scared of working because I'm afraid I will encounter another similar situation like that at work - every time I get close to people at work and everyone is having a great time, I end up being some sort of "scape goat." : ( I guess it happens when you have the persona of being "nice."

If you guys can give support that I will be better, I hope that the twitching and dizziness will go away soon now that I am not on Trazodone. I know that this is a forum for tapering but I feel that I need to be on something to get through the day. I am open to trying another AD...but so scared of the side effects, however I am not open to trying any benzos though.

My anxiety gets worse as I think of my current situation and I compare to how I was just 1 year ago.

I am married now..but my husband and I are still living with my parents.

I quit my job and my husband is the breadwinner, so money is tight.

A lot of my expenses go into medication, doctor visits, paying for insurance - easily about $2000 a month.

Ended up not being able to purchase the house since I am no longer working

Worried if I can even get pregnant if I continue taking antidepressants

My goals are on halt due to this mental issue and now physical issue (twitching, dizziness, heart palpitations, heart racing)

There are sooo many changes that I am not used to. It just feeds into my depression and anxiety now.

I guess this is just more like a vent as I feel so alone now. My question ultimately is...can something so "small" like my workmates trigger a monster like this anxiety to be unleashed??

You are not alone 

I'm pretty new here and confused about all of the weird symptoms too.  I c/t'd only 2mgs of Valium about a month ago and had to reinstate and am NOT feeling better, feeling worse. 

To confuse matters moreso I was prescribed both Cymbalta and Lexapro during the c/t as doctor didn't think I was in Valium withdrawal.  Had to stop both as they sent me crazy.  Took them for less than two weeks!  I will never take another a/d in my life! 

So, Ive got Valium, Cymbalta and Lexapro in the mix and all I can think to do is to remain on the reinstated 2mg Valium and look to stabilise before I begin to taper. 

I am now getting the OCD that you describe and have never had such intense weird thoughts like this before, and it frightens me.  My anxiety is really high too.  Have learnt that stress CAN trigger symptoms as well. 

Just want you to know that you you are not alone and that from my experience reinstatement does not guarantee return to status quo. 

Dee