Deep depression...

Am falling further into a depression as am totally ground down by this whole process with no let up...

I look in the mirror &!wonder where have gone....does the feeling of sheer trauma ever go away??

Xxx

Am falling further into a depression as am totally ground down by this whole process with no let up...

I look in the mirror &!wonder where have gone....does the feeling of sheer trauma ever go away??

Xxx

 

My sincere compassion and empathy.  Sending a hug. 

Thank you ❣️

Sending one right back to you xxx

Thank you ❣️

Sending one right back to you xxx

 

Thank you, Pinkfairy! xxx

Your welcome xxx❤️

Yes, "sheer trauma" is what it is for sure. But it cannot carry on indefinitely - it's not a matter of 'if' but 'when' - simply because it is not possible. Which can be nice to know!

Oh thank you for the reasurrance it does go ❤️

 

I can’t talk,I seem to be in that much trauma & then I dissociate,then I panic on & on it goes xxxxx

Oh thank you for the reasurrance it does go ❤️

 

I can’t talk,I seem to be in that much trauma & then I dissociate,then I panic on & on it goes xxxxx

 

During the worst of my withdrawal, I could not speak at times.  This symptom luckily shortlived for me.  I believe it was purely physiological because I wanted to talk.  Then again, everything is physiological unless it is a personal choice.  Depression is certainly physiological because nobody would choose that.  A professional even told me researchers have discovered trauma can affect the brain in a very physical way as well.  I know for myself, I did not just feel traumatized, I was (by almost anyone's standard of trauma).  Not only by severe illness, but by severe mistreatment and neglect too which is too painful for me to even go into detail about.  I know the panic attacks were purely physical too because I never suffered them before benzos and withdrawal and have not since the worst has passed.  I still have bad dreams and wake up feeling scared, but nothing like the full blown panic and terror attacks.  My only feelings of DP/DR which I only experienced in withdrawal was feeling like my head was floating high above me like a balloon, but it was a purely physical feeling.  I knew it literally was not as I was completely "with it" throughout my withdrawal and luckily have never suffered psychosis or detachment from reality.  Someone (not a buddie) thought I was simply "lightheaded", oh geez, lightheaded just means your head feels light, not floating away high above you on a 10 ft. balloon string.  I also felt as though the earth was spinning beneath me a couple times (especially outside), but again, I know this is a very physiological aspect of withdrawal too. 

 

Anyhow, my heart continues to go out to you, Pinkfairy. This is very rough stuff.  I'm struggling greatly, but the benzo tsunami of a very large multitude of horrific and terrorizing symptoms is a thing of my past (to give hope).

Thank so much for replying rxdamaged ❤️

 

Oh am so sorry you went through it all too...I really feel like I will be tramatized for life,,& never talk again hardly...

 

The way I was CT off stuff was barbaric plus the loss of my old life.What took me 15 years to build up after a life time of other trauma!!

 

Am beyond shell shocked I really hope it all passes!!

 

Am truly sorry your having to go through it all too,my heart breaks for us all

Xxxx

Thank so much for replying rxdamaged ❤️

 

Oh am so sorry you went through it all too...I really feel like I will be tramatized for life,,& never talk again hardly...

 

The way I was CT off stuff was barbaric plus the loss of my old life.What took me 15 years to build up after a life time of other trauma!!

 

Am beyond shell shocked I really hope it all passes!!

 

Am truly sorry your having to go through it all too,my heart breaks for us all

Xxxx

 

I'm hoping since I talked again that your speech will be restored again soon.

 

I cold turkeyed too.  Experienced great trauma prior benzos too.  Nobody forgets trauma.  However, I think with the passage of time, even though we will never forget, we can still heal from trauma, even repeat after repeat trauma.  Maybe healing is just the memories coming back to haunt us way less often, but that's way better than feeling like you have been run over by a trauma truck 24/7.  I often feel like I don't have the energy to climb back up on that horse after being knocked down again.  I know what you mean about years of hard work.

 

My heart breaks for all trauma and depression victims too.  Especially since the world can be very cold and impatient about such things.  Sometimes all we can do is hug each other and be there for each other because some others don't get it and some people simply have no compassion re such.  Some depression and trauma victims don't even feel like other depression or trauma victims can relate because all of our experiences are different and nobody else literally feels your personal pain even if they can relate to it.  It's tricky providing support to fellow depression and trauma victims sometimes, but I think just letting someone know you are there for them is what matters most.  Sometimes just being there.  Sometimes just to distract from the pain unless they want to write or talk about it. 

Oh rx I feel like you too,like how have I got the strength to get back up after all this...

 

Had already re-built after years of trauma,got to the top of that mountain,then to pushed back down lower than low.I feel like I won’t ever get out of this hole.Have still got along time of tapering too.

 

This world is a cruel place with no compassion for the suffering that’s going on!

 

I hope you can get back up little by little ♥️!

It’s so exhausting this journey,esp If we were exhausted before all this

Xxxx

Oh rx I feel like you too,like how have I got the strength to get back up after all this...

 

Had already re-built after years of trauma,got to the top of that mountain,then to pushed back down lower than low.I feel like I won’t ever get out of this hole.Have still got along time of tapering too.

 

This world is a cruel place with no compassion for the suffering that’s going on!

 

I hope you can get back up little by little ♥️!

It’s so exhausting this journey,esp If we were exhausted before all this

Xxxx

 

It is exhausting.  We are so much stronger than some people think we are because it is like clawing your way back up a mountain with one arm.  I have to remind myself when I feel like I can go no further with this depression and trauma thing that I did it before.  It's such a drag, but at least I have that experience of having accomplished that mountain climb under my belt.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I know what worked and what definitely did not work in the last mountain climb. 

 

There is sincere compassion in the world, but it's sorely lacking.  You have mine.  A taper ahead too, you poor thing. 

 

 

Oh that’s how I feel....

 

Yea have been tapering on top of 2 CTs :/

 

One step at a time my friend ♥️

Xxxx

Oh that’s how I feel....

 

Yea have been tapering on top of 2 CTs :/

 

One step at a time my friend ♥️

Xxxx

 

I modified my last post before you posted back, just fyi.

 

Two cold turkeys too.  You are very well acquainted with the basement of Hell I see.  Sending a BIG hug.  Yes, one step at a time. 

Oh yes rx am sat there as we type...

 

This depression is like nothing have ever known!its like ptsd & raw deep grief like no other..

 

Some days I just think I can’t take much more,but am a single mum to my little lad.

I feel like have died a thoysdsand deaths!my heart breaks for who I was & am now.crap disabled parent...who was my sons tower of strength & now what a trauma ball I am....

 

Thanks for listening ♥️

A really big hug to you...I don’t have much hugs these days.nobody stuck around xxxx

Oh yes rx am sat there as we type...

 

This depression is like nothing have ever known!its like ptsd & raw deep grief like no other..

 

Some days I just think I can’t take much more,but am a single mum to my little lad.

I feel like have died a thoysdsand deaths!my heart breaks for who I was & am now.crap disabled parent...who was my sons tower of strength & now what a trauma ball I am....

 

Thanks for listening ♥️

A really big hug to you...I don’t have much hugs these days.nobody stuck around xxxx

 

Oh my.  Single parenting too on top of it all. 

 

I'm always happy to give you a hug here and thank you so much for the hug back and listening too.  I have to make an important appt., but I'm here for you when I'm here.

Ye doing it single handily too...am ground to a pulp!

 

No thank you 🙏🏻

Lovely talking to you xxxx

Hope you are having a better day today somehow, Pinkfairy.

Thank you for checking in on me rx ❣️

 

No just having a complete breakdown feel so trapped & just plain desolate...

 

Hope you are xxxx

Thank you for checking in on me rx ❣️

 

No just having a complete breakdown feel so trapped & just plain desolate...

 

Hope you are xxxx

 

Thank you.  Hanging in here.

 

So very sorry to read you are getting no relief.    Wishing for some sunlight into that deep dark hole you are in STAT asap!  Sending you another hug. 

I've given in and started Sertraline.

Am truly sorry it's been so rough going for you - is remarkable you've come this far. You are extraordinarily tenacious. The deep depression is what really sucks the life out of me. So many days, indeed, I just bury my head in my hands in mental anguish as hope is all but extinguished. Have been profoundly saddened yet unable to express it because my emotions seem to have become, in a sense, constricted. So outwardly you could hardly tell if anything was going on - just below the surface. Unfortunately, this is how the judge read me in my SSDI case (mental health issues) that ended, after waiting 3 years, in denial. Having never gone through it, one cannot know what it is really like. Has been an abject nightmare and closely to my despair, still is. Hoping for you at last find peace.