Can't wait to "meet" myself

Okay, this is a little cheesy, but it kind of keeps me going on the days I feel crappy and like nothing's going to change for the better as I recover.

It occurred to me recently that I haven't lived virtually any of my adult life either off of benzos or without feeling tolerance/protracted withdrawal effects. I took them from ages 20-27 (I'm almost 28 now). What started as something to minimize severe anxiety/depression caused by a birth control pill I had began taking quickly morphed into a zombie-like state, with bizarre health symptoms and discomforts. When they were first prescribed to me, I was a student at a top college, and looking back, I was a bright, creative, happier, slimmer, and much more engaged/animated than the shell of a person I am now. Yes, I struggled with anxiety and depression and the social and academic pressures of a college student, but I had a lot going for me before benzos, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

As upset and horrified as I am about how the past 8 years have unfolded, I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of the way I've white-knuckled my way through a lot of difficult situations while on and withdrawing from these pills: working stressful jobs & living in NYC, horrible anxiety/depression, nearly losing my last job due to performance (thanks, benzos) after relocating closer to home, scary withdrawal symptoms, etc. etc.

I guess the point I'm getting at, is that the person I once was before these pills affected my life so drastically had so much potential. And hopefully, assuming I can heal, she'll be back eventually (albeit with more wisdom, experience, and confidence) and I actually have happiness, success, creativity, and love in my future. I'm sure everything won't be perfect, but I know the likelihood is that it will be so much better than it is now.

So, hence the title, I'm excited to "meet" myself again and be able to enjoy my life. Things have been far from easy, but if I've been able to stick it out this long despite how significantly my cognitive and physical symptoms have affected me over the years, I really can't wait to see what life's like and who I am when this process is said and done.

Now if only healing would speed up! 

I love your phrase "White Knuckling It"!

Dang, isn't that exactly what we must do.

I know I've changed...

One thing benzo's did for me...they made me a "YES Woman". I was always doing, going, helping, overseeing everyone else, and meeting their needs. I guess I thought I didn't have any, and as I've tapered further and further down...I'm starting to realize....Heck yes, I have needs, and for the first time in maybe EVER...I'm doing things for myself...even if that means doing nothing!

I feel I will (like you) be a newer / better version of my old self.

What a jacked up ride this is. It certainly isn't for the faint of heart...rather the stubborn, determined, strong willed, and if ALL of us here don't meet that criteria...than who does?

I like what you had to say...thank you for sharing.

Best of luck to you. Wishing you loads of healing and good health

FB 

Thank you, Fluter!

Glad your enjoyed the thoughts and I know what you mean - this absolutely isn't for the faint of heart. Benzos changed me so much. I wish I was better prepared for it and not still suffering, but I've learned a LOT.

Wishing you tons of luck and lots of healing, too 

Thank you, Fluter!

 

Glad your enjoyed the thoughts and I know what you mean - this absolutely isn't for the faint of heart. Benzos changed me so much. I wish I was better prepared for it and not still suffering, but I've learned a LOT.

 

Wishing you tons of luck and lots of healing, too 

You know nmcw...

I don't think there is anyway we could have been prepared for what lay ahead...no matter how much we were told.

This journey is as individual as our finger prints. No 2 are the same.

Like you...I have learned a lot too. I hope to come out of this with better coping skills and the ability to just take one day at a time...in other words; don't sweat the small stuff

Health & Healing to you