On Breaking the Silence- withdrawal, stigma and compassion

On Breaking the Silence - withdrawal, stigma and compassion

A few months ago I posted a video called “Don’t Discount What You’re Going Through,” and I still believe the true value of our benzo journey is slowly revealed to us over time. I’m coming up on 4YrsFree and will turn 60 this year, and I’m finally beginning to experience the hidden gifts in our collective struggles for freedom.

Regardless of the particulars that led to our unwanted benzo dependencies, the fact that we’re all members here, in forum that needs to be anonymous in order to exist, means that we’re also part of a much larger group -

We stand shoulder-to-shoulder with all people who have winced at the sharp swords of stigma and shame. We share common ground. And throughout our ordeals, we’ve all learned how to disappear-ourselves in the company of others.

My disappearance crept up on me almost unwittingly. Looking back, I can see that I began to disappear-myself way back in childhood, when family trauma was happening, but never acknowledged. Over time, disappearing-my-feelings became a habit, and then a tool. For 35 years, benzos and other psych-meds kept me blunted enough to put my best foot forward, in spite of the pain hidden inside. But as we all know, eventually there comes a tipping point, when we can hold no more…

For many of us, that is the point that we decide to seek freedom. Freedom from medications, and for me, also freedom from my own hidden feelings. The terms Freedom Seeker and Benzo Warrior sound so admirable and good - who knew we would need to hide so much of our experience because others simply wouldn’t understand, or worse yet, wouldn’t believe?

And yes, sometimes silence serves us, just as anonymity serves us here. Silence is the armor that sees us through. Silence is our fortress, and the bed in which we lay ourselves down to heal. But ultimately, we need to shed our silence if we want to fully embrace our lives.

That doesn’t mean we have to shout our secrets to the world, but it does mean that eventually, we need to find a way to be more present, and give more of ourselves to others. Some of us will find charitable ways to lift the fallen, and some of us will become advocates who rail against stigma and misunderstanding. And thank God for those who do. But for most of us, making peace with the shame that shadows our journey will be a private affair, though just as valuable.

Unlearning my disappearing act is proving to be yet another challenge, but I’m discovering that I’m not alone in my awkwardness. Almost no-one makes it to adulthood without their share of secret scars. So I love to listen to others, and I’m getting better at finding little moments when I can speak my truth. But it’s so hard to choose the words! It feels like there’s just so much, that my words might explode! Yet they don’t. Instead, they feel like a gift that is springing up from a well deep inside.

Yes, it’s from this well of silence that we source our spring of compassion.

Compassion is so needed in the world right now. Couple it with the humility and resilience we develop through our benzo journeys, and we are poised to receive perhaps the greatest gift that life can offer. Connection. Our connection to people, nature, beauty, art and ideas. Connection to moments of awe and wonder…

As you move forward in your march to freedom, keep in mind that there are tens of thousands of others marching too. Though their histories and circumstances may differ from yours, you will gain a wisdom, because of your journey, that enables you to not only listen, but to really hear the words that they too, are longing to share. And that’s the true beginning of meaningful change.

Love to all, Aft 

Hey there Aft!

I LOVE this!!! It is so well written!

It has been quite the journey I do agree! We do grow as we heal. I am now experiencing this as well. Each day I get up & enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I now enjoy the simple things in life. Who knew such wonderful things could come out of such a devastating, horrific experience as withdrawal.

Compassion in the world today is most certainly lacking. I find this to be so true too. We seem to be a divided, angry county. This makes me sad when I think about it. What lifts my spirits is when I come on this forum & find the most kind, compassionate, sincere people among all of this suffering. These selfless acts of kindness only reaffirms my belief that there is still hope for humanity to come together and unite in tolerance of one another differences. There is so much comradory here that it never ceases to amaze me how through deep suffering people can still be kind & compassionate & reach out to help others. Through all of this suffering there is indeed deep connections made. What a journey it has been indeed!

Let us all continue to march together to freedom from the many vises of the world to ultimately bring true change for the better of humanity!

Hey, where is that “Don’t Discount What You’re Going Through”  Video? I would like to see that again.

Aft,  your well written words always seem to lift my spirits!

Glad to see you again my lovely friend!  

Bellisima!  TY for your kind words. I love it that you're finding your voice as a Moderator here at BB. Your humor will soothe many aches and pains.

I posted the vid in my blog. Here's a link: Don't Discount What You're Going Through

(but hey, now that you're a Mod, you know how to do that too!)

xox Aft