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Still a head case


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With or without all varieties of drugs and Lunesta, I've had a lifelong problem with anticipatory anxiety about next day commitments and it effects how I sleep.  I can recall, as far back as age 14, I would sneak alcohol at night.  Later, in high school, I slept badly since there was that insane school schedule of starting at 7:50AM (which is bad for all teens) .  But then I was also obsessed with a boy and never slept since I was so excited about seeing him the next day.  And this dysfunctional mind game persisted into college and beyond. 

 

My sleeping has improved on nights but I must have no commitments the next morning.    Anything remotely stressful - like a long drive, doc appointment, public speaking or some deadline or other. -- well, I still just can't sleep.

 

Today, for instance, I had an appointment with my acupuncturist -- a non stressor.  But he wanted me there by noon and it is a tough 1 hour + drive.  That, along with some personal stress, prevented me from getting back to sleep this morning.  And, unfortunately, I'm often awakened by my own household since they keep normal early AM civilian hours.  Many times, after they've left, I can catch some more sleep but that's usually the exception.

 

I don't see much change in this horrible pattern.  It's the reason I got on the benzos in the first place.  It is like a cruel mental trick my subconscious has played on me as far back as I remember.  I have a lot of shame and embarrassment about my anticipatory anxiety since I've had trouble holding jobs, pursuing school, making commitments etc. because of it.  And it has severely and negatively affected my health for years.

 

I don't know how I found a spouse, raised a trouble child and kept a home.  Somehow I got an advanced degree but it was murder on my nervous system -- all of it. 

 

Sorry, I just need to keep venting about this because I internalize my shame around it.  Since hypnosis didn't work, I turned to medicine -- well look what they did to me.  I speak to a therapist once in awhile about all things but it has not made much difference.  I feel like I've been traumatized by insomnia rather than insomnia being a symptom of trauma.  Make sense?

 

I am afraid that my life is going to end without having solved this issue central to the problems of my whole life.  I wish I could accept it and abide -- yet it seems so conquerable like --  if I could just relax and let it untangle itself. Is this all there is?  W

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How frustrating to see this lifelong pattern and not know how to dismantle it. I know how scary this is and how it makes you feel hesitant to plan things since you expect to feel like crap during them from not sleeping. I've got a similar pattern but perhaps not as severe as you do. I've made some progress by allowing myself to go ahead and plan those things and accept the sleep loss as part of the process. I try to relax as much as I can for those nights with enjoyable reading, etc. The worst part for me is the next morning when I'm lying there, realize I can't fall back asleep and that it was way too little sleep. Usually I find that once I get up, some of the intense dread, anxiety and despair relents. What is that like for you? Insomnia was a huge problem at times when I was a kid and I felt like a freak. But at least I had the ability to sleep in then.

 

I've been examining approaching this, and my ongoing battle with emotional sensitivity, with some of the trauma, body focused techniques for soothing the nervous system. That's everything from mindfulness activities to approaches like sensorimotor therapy and somatic experiencing. I'm on a waiting list to see a sensorimotor therapist in a couple of months. Pat Ogden and Peter Levine are the big shots with them and they're on youtube. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm in a reading storm about some of this to try to figure out more.

 

Hang in there, gal!

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Thank you, MT -- I can always count on you to provide the just-right support on these matters. 

 

This latest sleep deprived night was worse than usual because I actually really felt that "normal" tired.  In spite of this the brain wheels kept spinning and catastrophizing and so I gave up and arose from bed.  Usually, yes, after a cup of coffee I can get past that total misery but yesterday I couldn't.  Later that I was able to talk to my sometimes therapist on the phone which helped.  I just hate being this way!

 

I caught up a bit last night -- (because no commitments in the AM of course) -- and I slept an amazing 7.5 hours but felt really dizzy and crappy -- kind of rebound exhaustion due to the sleep deprivation from the night before.  By the end of the day, I bounced back a little and attended a pretty stressful political thing I had a role in.  Maybe I just have to create a life around this.  I'm out of synch with most of the world and should just accept it. 

 

Let me know about the sensorimotor stuff.  I think it is key the further out you get from the drug.  I'm in a reading storm in "Dirty Genes" which indicate, among other problems, insomnia with the MTHFR gene mutations.  I don't want to get too far into that gene world but giving up folic acid and eating more leafy greens can't hurt. 

 

I have a belief that this next morning fear is a vestige of just waking up ill (or feeling ill) for decades.  I don't think I had any of this before age 14.  At some point I was a child sleeper -- carefree and loving sleep.  I wonder if this can return - naive? 

 

You hang in there, too. MT

 

You are right about the need to work on emotional sensitivity.

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7.5 hours is amazing and a sign of a healing brain. Good thoughts arout considering how to create a life around this and accepting being out of synch. Humans can learn to adapt to things that would seem unimaginable.

 

I'll let you know about the sensorimotor stuff. Doing lots of reading now about working with trauma and the body since it talks so much about sensitized nervous systems. That sure describes us.

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HI mtfan,

 

I have had a bit of a read on Pat Ogden's website.. The sensorimotor therapy sounds fascinating and actually makes sense.. I think in general when we experience unpleasant somatic symptoms these feedback to the brain that something is very wrong and we can have an anxiety reaction (i.e. if my body is reacting this way there must be something terribly wrong and hence I should be anxious).. this can lead a vicious cycle of negative interpretations and further symptoms... I guess this process might be amplified in the case of trauma where people can experience strong somatic symptoms seemingly out of the blue or at the slightest provocation. So it would make sense that exposure to the symptoms and identifying their link to the trauma is a good way to go. I especially liked reading the bit about learning to "complete" certain physical activities such as saying no or throwing up an arm to defend oneself leading to a sense of relief, and presumably a reduction in the somatic symptoms.. At least this was my take on what I read - I hope I haven't misinterpreted it :)

 

1966

 

How frustrating to see this lifelong pattern and not know how to dismantle it. I know how scary this is and how it makes you feel hesitant to plan things since you expect to feel like crap during them from not sleeping. I've got a similar pattern but perhaps not as severe as you do. I've made some progress by allowing myself to go ahead and plan those things and accept the sleep loss as part of the process. I try to relax as much as I can for those nights with enjoyable reading, etc. The worst part for me is the next morning when I'm lying there, realize I can't fall back asleep and that it was way too little sleep. Usually I find that once I get up, some of the intense dread, anxiety and despair relents. What is that like for you? Insomnia was a huge problem at times when I was a kid and I felt like a freak. But at least I had the ability to sleep in then.

 

I've been examining approaching this, and my ongoing battle with emotional sensitivity, with some of the trauma, body focused techniques for soothing the nervous system. That's everything from mindfulness activities to approaches like sensorimotor therapy and somatic experiencing. I'm on a waiting list to see a sensorimotor therapist in a couple of months. Pat Ogden and Peter Levine are the big shots with them and they're on youtube. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm in a reading storm about some of this to try to figure out more.

 

Hang in there, gal!

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1966,

 

I'm a total newb on the sensorimotor stuff but it's making a lot of sense. It's interesting and it feels good to be learning, however slowly. Anything that can help with this healing and with the healing of others!

 

MT

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