Life of Ashes . . .

Has been quite a while for my brain to heal - to reconnect neural pathways - or not? When do I find they have, instead, become rerouted or 'hard wired' for depression. From thoughts to consequences - or so I've been told has happened to me long before the Benzos ever came into play. Has been a life of fear/anguish/depression - more so through this post Benzo period. Trouble is I do feel responsible and guilty for fear of ever getting involved or being active at all in life. I was, as I've been told, more/less sedentary from the beginning. So would follow - the ADD, social phobia, B Personality Disorder and ultimately anxiety, depression and guilt for having the fear at the cause of all of it. Now, I really do wonder if, instead of healing, I've 'detoured' into ruin due to what I would never face. Would this come to be a 'life of ashes'? Can anyone relate - please tell me if you can - I really need help.

Has been quite a while for my brain to heal - to reconnect neural pathways - or not? When do I find they have, instead, become rerouted or 'hard wired' for depression. From thoughts to consequences - or so I've been told has happened to me long before the Benzos ever came into play. Has been a life of fear/anguish/depression - more so through this post Benzo period. Trouble is I do feel responsible and guilty for fear of ever getting involved or being active at all in life. I was, as I've been told, more/less sedentary from the beginning. So would follow - the ADD, social phobia, B Personality Disorder and ultimately anxiety, depression and guilt for having the fear at the cause of all of it. Now, I really do wonder if, instead of healing, I've 'detoured' into ruin due to what I would never face. Would this come to be a 'life of ashes'? Can anyone relate - please tell me if you can - I really need help.

 

I like the title. It’s poetic. I would label my life in a more constructive, pragmatic way, though. Independently of the way I feel. My feelings may reflect reality in a distorted way. And my resulting self-talk is a conversation with the Universe. This won’t go without any consequences.

Yes, I would guess I'm in more trouble than all get out. I'm not in the best of terms with life as it is. It's not that I really think I'm guilty - that would be to attempt to violate reality - and to succeed. I doubt that would be possible. Yet it is how I do feel. Guilt would be the ego's device to secure the perpetuation of fear. My mentor told me the last things to let go of would be fear and guilt. Has been about 40 years since I've been undoing what I'd 'learned' up til then. Perhaps I am a really slow learner. I remember at about age 18 when I read something by Erich Fromm where I had a brief sort of ah-ha experience of the illusion of guilt. Those experiences are far and few between but they stay with you whether you know or not. Seems most people keep fear well hidden but I just never could. It's a hell of a thing to live with but I figure we all do to some extent. But it's no wonder I am in a deep state of depression - and further yet whilst going through this Benzo ordeal. Sometimes BB and my cat are all I've got to keep it together. But thanks to my lucky stars for that.

 

"What you think most about, you either draw to you or become like"

Yes, I would guess I'm in more trouble than all get out. I'm not in the best of terms with life as it is. It's not that I really think I'm guilty - that would be to attempt to violate reality - and to succeed. I doubt that would be possible. Yet it is how I do feel. Guilt would be the ego's device to secure the perpetuation of fear. My mentor told me the last things to let go of would be fear and guilt. Has been about 40 years since I've been undoing what I'd 'learned' up til then. Perhaps I am a really slow learner. I remember at about age 18 when I read something by Erich Fromm where I had a brief sort of ah-ha experience of the illusion of guilt. Those experiences are far and few between but they stay with you whether you know or not. Seems most people keep fear well hidden but I just never could. It's a hell of a thing to live with but I figure we all do to some extent. But it's no wonder I am in a deep state of depression - and further yet whilst going through this Benzo ordeal. Sometimes BB and my cat are all I've got to keep it together. But thanks to my lucky stars for that.

 

"What you think most about, you either draw to you or become like"

 

As long as you’re alive, there’s hope for a better future. We’ve got to force ourselves to change negative thinking patterns. They’re road to nowhere. Our thoughts reflect our beliefs about reality and ourselves. And those beliefs are often false. It is important to act in order to change our circumstances. This is how we develop healthy, constructive habits. Unconditional Self-Acceptance, as Albert Ellis once put it. I live for my Kitty. But there’s no way to make her happy if I’m miserable.

BB is a means to an end. To get our lives back. To return to the real world. Each day, our lives become shorter. We only have a limited time on this Earth. And there may not be another chance. I suspect this is the only one we’ve got.

 

As long as you’re alive, there’s hope for a better future. We’ve got to force ourselves to change negative thinking patterns. They’re road to nowhere. Our thoughts reflect our beliefs about reality and ourselves. And those beliefs are often false. It is important to act in order to change our circumstances. This is how we develop healthy, constructive habits. Unconditional Self-Acceptance, as Albert Ellis once put it. I live for my Kitty. But there’s no way to make her happy if I’m miserable.

BB is a means to an end. To get our lives back. To return to the real world. Each day, our lives become shorter. We only have a limited time on this Earth. And there may not be another chance. I suspect this is the only one we’ve got.

Oh yes, our thoughts are illusions but may or may not reflect reality. I would suggest it's a matter of meaningful/meaningless - connection or separation - as opposed to good/bad judgments etc. In my estimation, it is guilt that limits us to this state bound consciousness. Yet are free to let go of it at any time. Though is only an illusion, it can seem quite real as I eluded to. But not to worry - no doubt we will not fail to connect again on some level. Nor am I worried about time as it is my belief when we 'die' we don't 'go' anywhere. We perhaps tell yet another story - of the past, but in this moment still. BTW, I too am hanging in there for my kitty! Thanks again Estee . . .

Can you think of one thing, however small, that you enjoyed or even found not depressing in the last week?

Was there a moment when you forgot you are depressed  - while watching a TV show or looking out of the window - anything?

 

If so think about that.

 

Keep a list of those moments.

 

It is not too late to allow yourself to focus on these things however small they are atm.

 

You might find listening to this soothing & releasing :

 

Hope is very hard to kill completely.

 

You might find this interesting https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

Can you think of one thing, however small, that you enjoyed or even found not depressing in the last week?

Was there a moment when you forgot you are depressed  - while watching a TV show or looking out of the window - anything?

 

If so think about that.

 

Keep a list of those moments.

 

It is not too late to allow yourself to focus on these things however small they are atm.

 

You might find listening to this soothing & releasing :

 

Hope is very hard to kill completely.

 

You might find this interesting https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

 

Great post Gonna check out the links in depth when I’m less tired...

Can you think of one thing, however small, that you enjoyed or even found not depressing in the last week?

Was there a moment when you forgot you are depressed  - while watching a TV show or looking out of the window - anything?

 

If so think about that.

 

Keep a list of those moments.

 

It is not too late to allow yourself to focus on these things however small they are atm.

 

You might find listening to this soothing & releasing :

 

Hope is very hard to kill completely.

 

You might find this interesting https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

 

(". . . the causes of depression are sealed away in your skull. It suggested that there are causes out here, in the world, and they needed to be investigated and solved there.")

True - depression is not physical in origin, but it is important to keep in mind that we are working within the "ego framework" which means we are dealing with illusions here. The object is to change from illusions that lead nowhere (further illusions) or an illusion of being present or "awakening from the dream". It is there that you remove the obstacles to Peace - and so goes the dream - in the past that was never there. Depression is really a form of fear. Love and fear are the only emotions - but only Love is Real whilst fear is only an ego device etc. Ok, so by now you must be saying "yes, you just try to take it easy whilst we make a few calls . . .") Hah! Oh yes, I saw the link for the guided meditation. I do a form of meditation but with no imagery - seems to work for me, though, it is very difficult to focus with this Benzo ordeal. Thanks for the lift -

There seems to be some non-depressed elements in that post.

 

I think the point of the guys book is that we blame the individual at the cost of societal factors for depression.

 

I know a bit about ego-psychology and psychoanalytic theory - not sure I always agree with it.

 

What would happen if you focused more on the world outside of your ego?

There seems to be some non-depressed elements in that post.

 

I think the point of the guys book is that we blame the individual at the cost of societal factors for depression.

 

I know a bit about ego-psychology and psychoanalytic theory - not sure I always agree with it.

 

What would happen if you focused more on the world outside of your ego?

 

I do try to keep a sense of humor about things as much as possible - even if it is a bit hollow. Things like music, humor, my cats, close relationships etc. mean something to me in the temporal sense. There is nothing outside of us - but can be used to heal our split mind. The ego is nothing more than an ID or 'self' made up in our mind to believe we are separate from others. Yet we are not! There is but one Mind - which is our true ID or Self.

 

Disclaimer: None of what I've said is with certainty - it is only what I tend to doubt least within my prevailing awareness. My mind is subject to change - as long as it is open.

 

I've long since felt the need to overcome the hell I've been in since childhood - I time I don't talk about here. I've, only briefly, heard my "inner voice" - or whatever the term is, - a sense of trust, amidst the noise and turmoil.

I'm so deeply troubled by the world - my love for animals is my particular sensitive area - and I see a world of tragedy. But my focus is shifting towards changing my mind about the world I see (perception) rather than changing the world itself. I realize I cannot be certain of what this change would entail so I figure I need help with that - on some level. But of course my immediate focus is on getting through this hideous Benzo withdrawal - now almost 18 mo.