Things you do when you're really miserable

I start watching Locked Up and other prison type shows on Netflix.

 

I have a fear of incarceration because I'm afraid of withdrawing from my current meds. I also don't have a baclofen script. So, if I were incarcerated they may not give me baclofen to take away my phenibut wd. I should talk to my doctor about refilling my baclofen script. You never know how unlucky you can get in life. I don't think I'd be able to survive inside a prison environment with hardcore gabapentin and phenibut wd. I'd probably end up in the prison hospital once the medical staff figures out my life is at risk. Luckily, I was able to taper off benzos without hurting others physically. Despite being basically psychotic at times in 2016, I was always able to walk away. I always had a safety switch that allowed my to realize I'm psychotic and walk away during those dark days in tolerance wd. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself by placing too much importance on those strong feelings I used to get while strung out, tapering clonazepam. The feelings are not necessarily how you really feel but benzos made them too strong. Also, another reason why I watch prison shows when I get depressed is because they are a metaphor for how I've felt these past few years. But instead of a physical prison it is more of a mental prison.

 

Also, someone I know, a former friend violently murdered his wife; while I was in another dimension taking clonazepam. It was pretty shocking and unexpected and it has left an ugly mark in all this. My friend has been in jail, awaiting trial for fatally stabbing his wife 17 times around Jan. 2016. It started out as a professional relationship. He tutored me in various levels of chemistry, math and physics like through 2008-2012. I really looked up to him too and saw through his weirdness and felt lucky to know him because he was an amazing teacher and tutor. Maybe our weirdness clicked too and I just understood him in a meaningful way. We started talking on the phone eventually, in addition to working together. I went to his wedding too. I felt an urge to write him several times but I haven't been able to. I typed out a letter and had to throw it away because I'm afraid the jail will read it and call me down to be a material witness in the trial. The whole situation sucks. I guess I can write a simple letter but even that feels hard. Even his mugshot terrifies me. It makes me feel weird every time I see his fucked up mugshot. He was always a strange looking dude but I overlooked it. After you murder someone in a violent way your mugshot is going to look extra crazy I think but wow is this bad. They were definitely an odd looking couple, with IQ's off the charts. They used to help me with my homework. From what I understand and saw she was a really nice person and cherished by the community. It seems like my friend snapped for some reason.

OMG, that's gotta be terribly disturbing to be that close to such a gruesome incident. I'd want to get as far away from that person as possible. I thought it was weird that my brother ended in prison for possession of Ricin and illegal firearms but this story goes far beyond that. Sorry that happened to you and worse that it happened whilst going through the Clonazepam withdrawals. Sometimes I've gotta hope this world is just a really bad dream.

Wow that is crazy about your friend in prison.  I think writing a letter is a fine idea.  He may be remorseful and want to talk to someone.  I think prisons in the US are awful places and I'm not even sure that I wish anyone, even people guilty of crimes, to be put inside them.  It feels like society treats prisoners as less than human, as a rule. 

I ended up writing a letter but it needs to be rewritten. I never sent it. I just don't want to write anything that may upset him even more or something that may be scrutinized, since he is still in jail and hasn't been convicted. His trial is still going on so, I just don't want to be involved and if I did write something it just needs to be something really simple because everything gets read. I really just don't feel like engaging in conversation with him. I'm struggling with depression because of my toe and this drug induced hopelessness I'm in with gabapentin and phenibut and this other injury that is handicapping my life and my mom died several years ago and I never think about it at all and I'm concerned about that. It's like I'm suppressing the entire grieving process because I'm so distracted by my addictions and stupid injuries and whatever else. The toe just looks and feels disabled since I broke it badly. There is a positional deformity too which makes me think I'm screwed now and swelling that never goes away and gets horribly bad while standing up. I am physically handicapped now basically as far as walking is concerned. I have to limp everywhere I go and this has been going on for a few months. I can't stand it anymore. I've been doing better since joining a gym and swimming but I hate leaving the house and facing the world. It's driving me crazy.

 

As far as this wife slayer person who used to be my friend...I don't know what to think about it...the whole thing makes me sick and I just need to distance myself from it. Life is hard enough already and writing letters isn't going to make it easier most likely. Maybe when someone kills their wife in a really violent disturbing way you should just stop cut them out of your life I'm thinking. 7 out 17 stab wounds ended up in her heart but he did turn himself in and he is remorseful. The guy seems mentally ill. His mugshot is terrifying and he looks insane in it. He always looked weird and crazy and unattractive to me but I can't even look at this mugshot without cringing in disgust and feeling very uncomfortable. He cries uncontrollably if anyone mentions anything about her from what I heard. Someone mentioned something about the spice rack in his kitchen and he broke down in tears because it made him think of his wife.

 

Edit: I just wanted to add that that's why I started watching more prison documentaries but I've always been fascinated by prison. All I know is I can't ever end up there because I couldn't survive in that environment in the state I'm in. I wouldn't make it. I had to have my sister move out of the house because I was afraid that I would hurt her after we got into a big fight after I jumped off of Suboxone. She is an alcoholic and is oblivious to my zone or my needs. She also has bulimia and literally destroyed an entire pot of chili I made for myself that was supposed to last a week. I was completely enraged when I realized what she did and we got into a bad fight. I ended my  Librium taper a few days after that because she aggravated my injury and I was put in a situation where I wanted to spike by benzo dose. Since I was so close to being off I decided to just jump instead. I don't like my sister. She has no sympathy for my struggles and calls me a pussy all the time. She is very rude and obnoxious because of her constant drinking. I can't stand her. She even tells me "fuck my toe" I'm tying to explain to her that I may need surgery and it is really serious but she doesn't believe me and tells me I'm a pussy. My dad isn't much better. If I bring up anything related to my problems he will yell at me and tell me to stop talking about it. Whatever it is benzo wd, my current drug problem, injuries he will tell me to just stop and scream and swear at me. My father is the most unsupportive person there is when it comes to talking something out. The only thing he is good for is financial support which is something I'm very grateful for. I'll only talk to him when I feel okay because I'm not aloud to talk about any of my problems. So we barely ever talk. We live in the same house though. Is it any wonder why I'm so miserable.

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful.  I recently watched the documentary 13th on Netflix.  It's about prisons in the United States.  It's kinda grim but I found it very interesting.

I'm pretty scared about the possibility of getting surgery. The orthopedic said that I may need to get cut open...those were his words. I have to get evaluated by a Podiatric surgeon now because he doesn't deal with anything below the ankle. I have to wait unit 3/9/18 too. I'm trying to get an MRI too on my foot but I'm waiting for my insurance to approve it. That's bothering me. I've been living with this will I need surgery fear for awhile now and it's messing with my head bad. I have all these questions. Like will they use general anesthesia or do a nerve block in the ankle to numb my foot if it comes to that. And I won't be able to walk for at least a month possibly. My life is in hold. I need to change my mind set.

 

I didn't really quite catch what the orthopedic said but I think he mentioned something about a rotational deformity with the distal part of the 5th phalanx...he was looking at the x-ray on his computer, examining/scrutinizing one of the fractures on my toe, ....not completley sure if he was sure what was up because my head was humming the entire time he was talking, while there were a bunch of medical students listening near by. There was like a monkey juggling smoke grenades in my head the entire time. I can't listen with all this stress. The whole thing seems like a nightmare now. I wish I could just chop off my toe and grow a new one.

 

Edit: Thanks for caring GreenCup. I really do feel awful and unsure about this whole situation. I've seen 13th on Netflix. Prison is the worst environment possible. Well administrative segregation is the worst case scenario, 23 hour lockdown in a small cell surrounded by other prisoners. Everyone in the housing unit is pounding on the cell doors, screaming. Sometimes when a prisoner loses it they smear feces all over the cell, flood the cell, throw urine through the slot on the door at the staff, try to kill themselves. They drug the prisoners too. It is really easy to wind up in administrative segregation. If you get a write up they put you in there. It's crazy. All you have to do is get into a little argument with another inmate, which happens all the time in prison and this will turn into a fight and they put you in there for at least two weeks. If you are the aggressor in the fight you can end up there for a year if you hurt someone. They just love to put you in there. Even when they let you out for an hour each day they put you in another small cage outside. It's designed to break you down. And the worst part about prison politics is you have to fight. If you avoid fights that can get you shanked. They will kill you if you try to mind your own business. You also have to join a gang.

Mamooth, I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling so bad. I think it's totally understandable that you don't feel like having any contact with him, and you don't have to. Write him only if and when you feel like doing it. You don't owe him (or anybody else) regardless of whether he's mentally ill or not and of course you have to concentrate on your own health.

I wish you all the best!

I start watching Locked Up and other prison type shows on Netflix.

 

I have a fear of incarceration because I'm afraid of withdrawing from my current meds. I also don't have a baclofen script. So, if I were incarcerated they may not give me baclofen to take away my phenibut wd.

 

Withdrawing in jail was the worst experience of my life. I've never been awake for so long. But greencup is right about the letter. A letter is the best thing you can get in there. And commissary money if you could afford it so he could buy things he needs.