Sudden onset of death related thoughts and existential crisis?

I'm noticing that for whatever reason today, I am having a ton of intrusive thoughts about death and existential related stuff that I never think about. I was trigger by seeing an ER type of show on TV as I was passing by and suddenly death popped into my head. Suddenly I couldn't fathom how everyone dies eventually and we are just supposed to cope and deal with this being a thing. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I then began to have existential thoughts about people and emotions and the fact that it doesn't mean anything and everything is just chemical. It's like something in my mind has distorted my perception on the world. It even happens when I think about sex, the actual act of penetration seems bizarre and pointless to me and I can't understand where we find pleasure or ambition to feel or do certain things.

 

I don't want to think these things or feel this way about everything. Is this honestly just a part of withdrawal? Does this go away? I feel like I'm going mad and I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin.

I think that I know what you're talking about.  It's almost like when I was a young teenager and had to come to grips with my mortality.  I've heard others talk about having that feeling at some time during their withdrawal/recovery.  I think it's just a phase that some people go through.  I had those feelings for a while during my withdrawal, but I would not say that I became panicky about it.  I no longer have those thoughts, so I feel the phase will pass.

 

Might want to stay away from TV drama shows for a while.

Intrusive thoughts are a fairly common symptom, and many of them deal with fears of death and dying.  I had intrusive thoughts as well, something I'd never experienced before, they were very dark, and I feared I might be "going crazy." Here's something I wrote a while back to another member who was experiencing this:

 

I had extreme health anxiety and intrusive thoughts caused by withdrawal, and there was one thing that helped me more than anything else - relentless self distraction.  I used any distraction that would take my mind off my symptoms, and often it was very basic - an old movie on TV, an online game, arts, crafts, household chores, pets, an errand - and when that distraction stopped working, moved on to something else. Distracting myself was serious business, and it was my main job when I felt anxious and panicky. The effect was miraculous. Self distraction was the most valuable skill I developed during withdrawal, and I would have been in bad shape without it.  Soon, I even started looking forward to my favorite distractions. 

 

One thing about TV or movies during this time: Old movies and TV shows are best.  TCM is great for classic movies. The plots are slower and less violent, the acting is much better,  and the camera work is steadier with less jumping around - something that really bothered me visually. 

 

As bad as intrusive thoughts can be, it's a temporary symptom, and will definitely fade away in time.   

I can relate to everything mentioned here.

This is definitely withdrawal, I think this is “normal “  in withdrawal as the withdrawal anxiety is so brutal.

 

“Anxiety is the most commonly experienced benzo withdrawal symptom. This anxiety is temporary and will go away as your body readjusts”

 

https://m.choosehelp.com/topics/detox/sedative-anti-convulsant-detox-ativan-ambient-benzodiazepines

Yes, I can totally relate.  Obsessive thoughts about how old I am and how many years I probably have left to live, what death is like, how weird it is to be human and made of these parts and kind of disgusted to be human, and sex is really a weird thing to do, etc.  I think it's "normal" and maybe what's called derealization or depersonalization.  I don't let myself become anxious about it though, but it's really unpleasant.  When fear comes I just refuse to have it and it eventually leaves. 

Unfortunately, thinking about death is VERY COMMON in benzo withdrawal/recovery. It wasn't something that even crossed my mind before benzos. Those thoughts DO FADE. I had many bizarre thoughts. They're no longer bothersome and scary and pounding my brain like they used to do. When I'm healed, those thoughts will be in my rearview mirror. Good riddance!!!

Hi LAI. It's entirely withdrawal! Earlier in my tolerance withdrawal and even in my acute withdrawal, these existential thoughts couldn't leave my mind. They were very unlike me because prior to that, I had always had a strong faith that would answer all my questions about life and death. But with these OCD-type thoughts, I was completely lost. All the things I believed in vanished. The further I am from my last pill, the better it gets in that department and my faith is coming back! It might still come back in waves but I no longer pay attention to it. So don't worry, it will get better!

Yes I totally relate. I also cannot distract myself with ANYTHING anymore. TV, music, exercise, puzzles, coloring. None of it works anymore. It's just constant terror.

Kind of like this?

 

Yes I totally relate. I also cannot distract myself with ANYTHING anymore. TV, music, exercise, puzzles, coloring. None of it works anymore. It's just constant terror.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, man. I'm the same way.

I have strange thoughts about life like this too.  Today I realized that I have so many memories of just watching TV and that's just really watching fake stories of fake humans that never really happened.  So me, and not just me, but most people, spend a bunch of our lives, just watching pretend stories.  Suddenly I just don't understand humans, and yet....I want to watch TV.  I feel really crazy today.

I went through a very bad period of death thoughts way beyond existential worry.

My brain thought it was being killed and was terrified.

It was as if I had lost all the normal human filters we have that give us some measure of distance from the reality of death.

It was as if I was IN death, somehow already dead and with nowhere to escspe to.

It was utterly terrifying.

I am still have moments of it to a lesser degree.

I am so afraid to die but everyday I think I’m dying... it’s a nightmare so I understand what you say! I need to start being happy to be alive!

I went through the most terrible existential crisis a couple of weeks back.  Such dark and deep depression, it all seemed so pointless.  Why bother?

 

Feeling this way only fleetingly now thank goodness and definitely withdrawal related as happened when I jumped off the 2mg Valium and a/d's.  I wanna live. 

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from your recent post.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

I know what you mean about feeling like you were IN death Adjusta.  That's how I felt.  Like you, much better now. 

 

 

 

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from your recent post.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

I felt as if I were just a brain and spinal cord in pain, a brain with two eyes stuck on the front staring out at the world. A spinal cord like a frightened snake thrasing around because it knows it is dying.

 

If I hadn't experienced that I wouldn't have thought it possible to feel so terrified and horrendous. It bought home the raw fleshy reality of existence to me in the most apalling way.

 

I spent 2 years bedridden in a dark room dizzy and unable to sleep when I first got ME/CFS. I spent almost 2 years in so much spinal pain I was wetting myself jn bed because I couldn't move prio to surgery. Benzo withdrawal is worse.

 

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from your recent post.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

Please avoid discussing suicide or suicidal thoughts in your posts.  This subject is very difficult for most of our members to read and is against the forum's guidelines as a topic of discussion.

 

Thank you for your cooperation.  We are sympathetic and understanding, but it must be this way for the sake of others.

 

Challis 

Sorry!

Sorry!

 

It's okay...just reminding. 

Sorry too, and I do understand. 

I've totally lost interest in movies, just want to see nature- and knowledge programs.

When I watch movies I can`t live in them, everything just feels like a stupid one. It's as if I'm a director and see extras and details in the background.They don`t  feel real because I think the actors don`t really do anything, it's stuntmen. Has become so critical.