How do you have insomnia and still enjoy living?

So I'm 8 weeks out from my jump from 3 months of Atavan. I've started to track diet and sleep, and I've seen a positive trend from the 20 + zero nights, plus lots of broken sleep and other bad symptoms. However, the past two nights I've really struggled, and got maybe 2 hours, then zero last night. I got up out of bed to pray when I realized my thoughts were tumbling around and the dreaded anxiety was creeping in. I awakened with a peaceful attitude, and have prayed twice since. My prayers are outloud, on my knees. I admit to God that I'm broken, immeasurably humbled, and surrendering everything. It's just too much to try to control anymore. I'm so done.

I'm writing all of this because I am seeking your guidance. We can all beat ourselves up when we feel bad, and drag around the house feeling sorry for ourselves. We can make excuses for not wanting to do things, and generally walk around under a self-imposed cloud. How did you handle the blahs? What do you explain to friends and family as to why you are/were so down and out? What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself moving along?

Hubby and I usually escape winter for a few weeks of sunshine in March. This year it's so hard to plan. The thought of traveling anywhere while dealing with Benzo WD seems hard, and yet I feel called to NOT postpone living my life!  So many of you have been incredibly encouraging that sleep will return someday. How did you cope until that day came?

So I'm 8 weeks out from my jump from 3 months of Atavan. I've started to track diet and sleep, and I've seen a positive trend from the 20 + zero nights, plus lots of broken sleep and other bad symptoms. However, the past two nights I've really struggled, and got maybe 2 hours, then zero last night. I got up out of bed to pray when I realized my thoughts were tumbling around and the dreaded anxiety was creeping in. I awakened with a peaceful attitude, and have prayed twice since. My prayers are outloud, on my knees. I admit to God that I'm broken, immeasurably humbled, and surrendering everything. It's just too much to try to control anymore. I'm so done.

I'm writing all of this because I am seeking your guidance. We can all beat ourselves up when we feel bad, and drag around the house feeling sorry for ourselves. We can make excuses for not wanting to do things, and generally walk around under a self-imposed cloud. How did you handle the blahs? What do you explain to friends and family as to why you are/were so down and out? What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself moving along?

Hubby and I usually escape winter for a few weeks of sunshine in March. This year it's so hard to plan. The thought of traveling anywhere while dealing with Benzo WD seems hard, and yet I feel called to NOT postpone living my life!  So many of you have been incredibly encouraging that sleep will return someday. How did you cope until that day came?

Hi Tigereye,

Sorry you are going through this and it is so hard in the beginning.  8 weeks is very good, but you could still be in acute WD as that typically lasts 30-90 days for most?  As you already know, it is a period when your symptoms and sleep are usually off the charts.  It's not a contest, and it doesn't do any good to tell someone you had it just as bad or worse, BUT if it gives you any comfort and hope, know that others had it worse.  I believe MTFan went the entire month of October 2015 with ZERO sleep?  I had lots of zero nights the first 8 months and lots of little or no sleep too.  Most weeks during the first 5 months off (or roughly 20 weeks) I averaged about 5-8 hours of sleep total for the entire week!  Again, that doesn't help you feel better about your own struggle, but praying is VERY beneficial in my opinion.  Sometimes God puts us through trials to "test" us and see if we draw closer to Him?  I would grab a hold of anything I could that was positive.  If I got 2 hours of sleep I told myself that "my brain knows what it needs to survive and will get all the sleep I need to survive, so I must only need 2 hours today."  Now, don't get me wrong, I was not calm, cool or collected during the first five months.  My wife and kids that are still at home thought I was literally going insane.  I just did the best I could and tried very hard to believe that there was an end to the misery.  It was very hard for my Benzo damaged, sleep deprived brain to grasp the concept of sleeping again.  It just seemed like it would never happen, but it slowly got better over time. 

You write very well, so that is proof you can function on the sleep you are getting.  Remember that lack of sleep will not kill you.  You might not even get sick with a cold, flu, etc?  I think the anxiety coupled with sleep deprivation AND a temporarily messed up brain chemistry all contribute to thinking the worst about your current situation.  It is easy to catastrophize about life right now.  I did it too.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's not your fault.  You are in a similar boat to someone that suffered a traumatic brain injury.  Be gentle.  Cut yourself a lot of slack.  Have your family and friends read about what it's like to go through WD.  Many cannot relate at all as you look fine on the outside, but on the inside your temporarily messed up.

Maybe still plan a vacation for March? My family and I booked a cruise in January of last year for June.  My wife said "Given your current condition, you are wasting money and won't be able to go."  I made a ton of recovery in the next 5 months and not only was I able to go, but really enjoyed myself too!    It all seemed hopeless for me too when I was right where you are at now, but it WILL get better.  Time and prayer will get you through this.  Try to live as "normally" as you can given the crappy circumstances you are temporarily experiencing.  Lean on God, your hubby and anything else that makes you smile or brings you joy.  Like a long bumpy airline flight, this too eventually comes to an end.  Once you get a few "windows" or good nights and days, you will be able to deal with this much better.  Hang in there.  It WILL get better.  Gods' Speed!

How did you handle the blahs? What do you explain to friends and family as to why you are/were so down and out? What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself moving along?

Hubby and I usually escape winter for a few weeks of sunshine in March. This year it's so hard to plan. The thought of traveling anywhere while dealing with Benzo WD seems hard, and yet I feel called to NOT postpone living my life!  So many of you have been incredibly encouraging that sleep will return someday. How did you cope until that day came?

When I had this level of insomnia, the first few hours of the morning were pretty awful, but after that the day got better.  That's the physical end of it.  Mentally, when I finally accepted this was part of the process, I was better able to handle it.  Acceptance of symptoms and the healing timeline were huge for me.  And that's how I coped.

As to explaining to friends and family, I wouldn't bother beyond the ones who actually live with you.  Otherwise, I told friends and extended family briefly that I'd taken a benzodiazepine which had led to a difficult physical withdrawal syndrome.  They really can't understand much more than that.

There's no need to postpone your life any more than you want to.  Traveling could bring on some elevated symptoms because your central nervous system doesn't handle stress well right now, but the benefits of sun in March aren't to be scoffed at either.  I went on a trip for a couple of days after I jumped and was glad I went, but I paid for it when I got home.

Tigereye,

When I was at my absolutely worst phase of withdrawal I went on a family trip that had already been planned and paid for. I was very apprehensive about going and did experience some hard times while away, but I also had some very good times as well. When I think back about the trip the only memories that really come to life are of the good times. If I had stayed home I would have only had the crappy times. That is the lesson that will help you get through this.

A while back I was taught to always try to ground myself in the present regardless of the good or the bad. When you think about it, the past is just a memory and the future is just a concept. We live our real lives only in the present. To only focus on a future point where recovery has taken place is to deny life.

Tigereye,

I think the reality is that there are parts of this dreadful experience when all we can do is hang on and survive. That may be all you can do right now. You can be compassionate towards yourself and be accepting of the situation but no matter how you slice it, it sucks.

That being said, you can work to make it so that your entire life isn't about your misery, about your wd. Theway2 said I went a month without sleep. Actually I had two sleep periods during that month-one for about 2 hours and one for a bit longer with frequent wake ups. I've had months and months of just minutes of a time sleeping for 2-4 hours and it was brutal but survivable.

I think it helps to engage with life to the best of your ability. Whether that's finding something interesting to watch on TV, getting together with a friend even though you feel like a zombie, or leaving the house to run errands, it can give you a sense of purpose, it's distracting, and it helps the interminable time pass. Although I would stress when I had a lot on my list to do or on my work days, I found those days passed more quickly and I felt such relief when they were over.

It sounds crazy but de-emphazing sleep in your life is crucial. Don't go to bed until you feel like you can rest. Tell yourself as you lie there that no matter what happens you will be OK. All you need is rest. You can survive without sleep (or a whole bunch of us would be dead) for a while. Your brain will learn how to sleep again. In the morning, first thing, thank God for whatever sleep or rest you got. I start every single day saying out loud, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Then I start my gratitude practice before I step one foot out of bed. As I get my breakfast together I give thanks that I have food, am able to get it together, and am able to eat it since there have been times in my life without those things. I went two years with nausea so to be able to feel like I can eat, to feel hungry, is still pretty amazing. When I clean myself up I give thanks knowing all the people who can't bathe and dress themselves. I give thanks for the sun shining or the rain or the moon and stars. I give thanks for getting through this or that task. As time passed I noticed this practice started to shift my awareness so that I was noticing more easily, and more often, the good things in life instead of just the suckatude.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't acknowledge what sucks but both wd and sleep deprivation make changes in how the brain works (temporarily) that cause us to filter out the positive and focus on the negative. There's great research on this. You can fight it though and it's a worthwhile fight.

For a while I researched insomnia and sleep constantly and stayed on BB for hours per day. I learned a lot by my research but it also added to my agony and paranoia. The time on BB helped me feel less alone but I had to learn when I needed to take time away so I wasn't so focused on it all.

If you hear nothing else, please hear that what you're going through is temporary and normal. It will pass and you will find this core of strength within you, understanding that strength doesn't necessarily feel strong, and find that you can carry on. And this, dear fellow benzo warrior, you will carry with you all of your days. That you're this kind of fighter, this determined. You will win this battle and know something about having the "right stuff." Astronauts got nothin' on us!

MT

MT,

Wow, I wish I knew how to do all that.  My primary problem was terrible insomnia (complete with circadian rhythm disturbance and DSPS, which became non-24 later) and that is why was put on benzo for most of my life.

Feel like my life was stolen by the non or erratic sleep... then have withdrawal on top of it all.

I agree acceptance is key but don't know how to accept! How did you come to that?

Tigereye,

I hope you can go and enjoy things; I know that fear of upsetting apple cart has kept me from doing lots of things in life and wish I'd been able to cope and get on with it. 

I do understand where you're coming from!!

Hi Tigereye,

Sorry you are going through this and it is so hard in the beginning.  8 weeks is very good, but you could still be in acute WD as that typically lasts 30-90 days for most?  As you already know, it is a period when your symptoms and sleep are usually off the charts.  It's not a contest, and it doesn't do any good to tell someone you had it just as bad or worse, BUT if it gives you any comfort and hope, know that others had it worse.  I believe MTFan went the entire month of October 2015 with ZERO sleep?  I had lots of zero nights the first 8 months and lots of little or no sleep too.  Most weeks during the first 5 months off (or roughly 20 weeks) I averaged about 5-8 hours of sleep total for the entire week!  Again, that doesn't help you feel better about your own struggle, but praying is VERY beneficial in my opinion.  Sometimes God puts us through trials to "test" us and see if we draw closer to Him?  I would grab a hold of anything I could that was positive.  If I got 2 hours of sleep I told myself that "my brain knows what it needs to survive and will get all the sleep I need to survive, so I must only need 2 hours today."  Now, don't get me wrong, I was not calm, cool or collected during the first five months.  My wife and kids that are still at home thought I was literally going insane.  I just did the best I could and tried very hard to believe that there was an end to the misery.  It was very hard for my Benzo damaged, sleep deprived brain to grasp the concept of sleeping again.  It just seemed like it would never happen, but it slowly got better over time. 

You write very well, so that is proof you can function on the sleep you are getting.  Remember that lack of sleep will not kill you.  You might not even get sick with a cold, flu, etc?  I think the anxiety coupled with sleep deprivation AND a temporarily messed up brain chemistry all contribute to thinking the worst about your current situation.  It is easy to catastrophize about life right now.  I did it too.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's not your fault.  You are in a similar boat to someone that suffered a traumatic brain injury.  Be gentle.  Cut yourself a lot of slack.  Have your family and friends read about what it's like to go through WD.  Many cannot relate at all as you look fine on the outside, but on the inside your temporarily messed up.

Maybe still plan a vacation for March? My family and I booked a cruise in January of last year for June.  My wife said "Given your current condition, you are wasting money and won't be able to go."  I made a ton of recovery in the next 5 months and not only was I able to go, but really enjoyed myself too!    It all seemed hopeless for me too when I was right where you are at now, but it WILL get better.  Time and prayer will get you through this.  Try to live as "normally" as you can given the crappy circumstances you are temporarily experiencing.  Lean on God, your hubby and anything else that makes you smile or brings you joy.  Like a long bumpy airline flight, this too eventually comes to an end.  Once you get a few "windows" or good nights and days, you will be able to deal with this much better.  Hang in there.  It WILL get better.  Gods' Speed!

Dear ThEwAy2,

I am grateful for your reply, and appreciate your honesty in describing the temporary madness that comes with sleep deprivation. Very sorry you had to go through all of that, and to anyone else reading this thread who is currently struggling. It is tortuous for our bodies to deprive us of sleep (or to the drugs that caused our bodies to suffer so.) While it is futile to make comparisons, I see already that my WD situation seems a wee bit easier than some of you.

I choose to agree with you that God, while He does not cause us to suffer, allows us to make bad decisions which put us in positions where He is our best and only hope. I thought I was so spiritual until I encountered much bigger sources of pain. The past months dealing with BC, then drug WD have brought me into very dark chasms. Silly me, a few months ago, I thought medical marijuana was the miracle drug that was helping me cope with anxiety. I used that drug very liberally, which led me to trust this prescription drug, (and along the way, Trazadone and Belsomra, which I didn't use more than a few times), show me now how I was discounting trusting God with my travails.

You said, " I think the anxiety coupled with sleep deprivation AND a temporarily messed up brain chemistry all contribute to thinking the worst about your current situation.  It is easy to catastrophize about life right now.  I did it too.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's not your fault.  You are in a similar boat to someone that suffered a traumatic brain injury." My first approach to dealing with adversity has always been fear, so hearing this from you makes it seem more logical somehow. Human. Deciding to think differently about our painful situations actually makes it easier to cope.

Your experience, " I made a ton of recovery in the next 5 months and not only was I able to go, but really enjoyed myself too! " helps me realize that attitude can make a huge difference in how we enjoy life! 

Your helpful posts to me and others are the essence of "Pay it forward." Thank you for giving us still-suffering "lunatics" hope for seeing brighter days.

Blessings and love,

Tigereye

How did you handle the blahs? What do you explain to friends and family as to why you are/were so down and out? What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself moving along?

Hubby and I usually escape winter for a few weeks of sunshine in March. This year it's so hard to plan. The thought of traveling anywhere while dealing with Benzo WD seems hard, and yet I feel called to NOT postpone living my life!  So many of you have been incredibly encouraging that sleep will return someday. How did you cope until that day came?

 

When I had this level of insomnia, the first few hours of the morning were pretty awful, but after that the day got better.  That's the physical end of it.  Mentally, when I finally accepted this was part of the process, I was better able to handle it.  Acceptance of symptoms and the healing timeline were huge for me.  And that's how I coped.

 

As to explaining to friends and family, I wouldn't bother beyond the ones who actually live with you.  Otherwise, I told friends and extended family briefly that I'd taken a benzodiazepine which had led to a difficult physical withdrawal syndrome.  They really can't understand much more than that.

 

There's no need to postpone your life any more than you want to.  Traveling could bring on some elevated symptoms because your central nervous system doesn't handle stress well right now, but the benefits of sun in March aren't to be scoffed at either.  I went on a trip for a couple of days after I jumped and was glad I went, but I paid for it when I got home.

Dear Challis99,

I love this site, and will risk being a blubbering idiot in saying that it has truly been my lifeline during these painful weeks of addiction and WD. I am NOT judging others at all for using prescription meds for mood and sleep disorders, some for many years. We all have a story, and my brief encounter with benzos has opened my eyes to the world of "psychiatric" meds. In my family of origin, psychiatric medicine was for "crazy" people. We use alcohol to calm (or blunt) our feelings. I found the resolve to quit my wine habit soon after my diagnosis, because I believed at the time that my alcohol use contributed to my developing BC. 

I think, in my compromised state from dealing with breast cancer surgery and radiation, and intense anxiety from trying to cope with it all, the Atavan was very strong on my system. I had lost some weight, but the Atavan made it worse, and I began losing more at the start of my taper. Sleep with the drug wasn't my best, either. Some nights I would only get 6 hours, which was unusual for me because I was used to getting 8. There were a few nights when it actually didn't work, and I was awake all night in high anxiety. But I continued to take it religiously.

Thank you for sharing your coping mindset. I am profoundly relieved to find similar experiences here on BB. Thank you, also, for your

service to this site!

Sincerely,

Tigereye

Tigereye,

When I was at my absolutely worst phase of withdrawal I went on a family trip that had already been planned and paid for. I was very apprehensive about going and did experience some hard times while away, but I also had some very good times as well. When I think back about the trip the only memories that really come to life are of the good times. If I had stayed home I would have only had the crappy times. That is the lesson that will help you get through this.

 

A while back I was taught to always try to ground myself in the present regardless of the good or the bad. When you think about it, the past is just a memory and the future is just a concept. We live our real lives only in the present. To only focus on a future point where recovery has taken place is to deny life.

Dear AlohafromHawaii,

Your message is worth repeating, and the opposite is definitely the root of my problems:

"A while back I was taught to always try to ground myself in the present regardless of the good or the bad. When you think about it, the past is just a memory and the future is just a concept. We live our real lives only in the present. To only focus on a future point where recovery has taken place is to deny life."

The loving community which is lived out in people like you has brought possibly tens of thousands of souls to a better understanding of this illness. Your special experience with insomnia has helped me to face it with a better attitude.

I say that with the state of mind that (maybe?) 7 hours of sleep (broken up into shifts!) has brought me! After 2 sleepless nights, I am thankful for today!

With gratitude,

Tigereye

Tigereye,

 

I think the reality is that there are parts of this dreadful experience when all we can do is hang on and survive. That may be all you can do right now. You can be compassionate towards yourself and be accepting of the situation but no matter how you slice it, it sucks.

 

That being said, you can work to make it so that your entire life isn't about your misery, about your wd. Theway2 said I went a month without sleep. Actually I had two sleep periods during that month-one for about 2 hours and one for a bit longer with frequent wake ups. I've had months and months of just minutes of a time sleeping for 2-4 hours and it was brutal but survivable.

 

I think it helps to engage with life to the best of your ability. Whether that's finding something interesting to watch on TV, getting together with a friend even though you feel like a zombie, or leaving the house to run errands, it can give you a sense of purpose, it's distracting, and it helps the interminable time pass. Although I would stress when I had a lot on my list to do or on my work days, I found those days passed more quickly and I felt such relief when they were over.

 

It sounds crazy but de-emphazing sleep in your life is crucial. Don't go to bed until you feel like you can rest. Tell yourself as you lie there that no matter what happens you will be OK. All you need is rest. You can survive without sleep (or a whole bunch of us would be dead) for a while. Your brain will learn how to sleep again. In the morning, first thing, thank God for whatever sleep or rest you got. I start every single day saying out loud, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Then I start my gratitude practice before I step one foot out of bed. As I get my breakfast together I give thanks that I have food, am able to get it together, and am able to eat it since there have been times in my life without those things. I went two years with nausea so to be able to feel like I can eat, to feel hungry, is still pretty amazing. When I clean myself up I give thanks knowing all the people who can't bathe and dress themselves. I give thanks for the sun shining or the rain or the moon and stars. I give thanks for getting through this or that task. As time passed I noticed this practice started to shift my awareness so that I was noticing more easily, and more often, the good things in life instead of just the suckatude.

 

This isn't to say that you shouldn't acknowledge what sucks but both wd and sleep deprivation make changes in how the brain works (temporarily) that cause us to filter out the positive and focus on the negative. There's great research on this. You can fight it though and it's a worthwhile fight.

 

For a while I researched insomnia and sleep constantly and stayed on BB for hours per day. I learned a lot by my research but it also added to my agony and paranoia. The time on BB helped me feel less alone but I had to learn when I needed to take time away so I wasn't so focused on it all.

 

If you hear nothing else, please hear that what you're going through is temporary and normal. It will pass and you will find this core of strength within you, understanding that strength doesn't necessarily feel strong, and find that you can carry on. And this, dear fellow benzo warrior, you will carry with you all of your days. That you're this kind of fighter, this determined. You will win this battle and know something about having the "right stuff." Astronauts got nothin' on us!

 

MT

Dear MTFan,

Your words have brought me to tears. You may have heard this: I know God loves me, but right now, I need somebody with skin on.

You have a powerful testimony of living an unusual amount of life despite not having what is one of our most fundamental needs. The term "eternal rest", while I am not suicidal, is the gift that God brings us in death. I have come to see sleep as a gift from God, and I will no longer forget to thank Him for it each morning. Your practice of giving thanks is the key, and it reminds me of a book by Ann Voscamp, called 1000 Gifts.

I especially loved your "warrior call" and bears repeating:

"If you hear nothing else, please hear that what you're going through is temporary and normal. It will pass and you will find this core of strength within you, understanding that strength doesn't necessarily feel strong, and find that you can carry on. And this, dear fellow benzo warrior, you will carry with you all of your days. That you're this kind of fighter, this determined. You will win this battle and know something about having the "right stuff." Astronauts got nothin' on us!"

Love and hugs to you today and always,

Tigereye

Tigereye,

We all need those folks with skin on them to help us through. In the past two days I've had one friend talk me out of an emotional tree I'd gotten stuck in and some other friends remind me I'm not the useless mess that my mind tells me I am. It's all too easy to lose the thread of our value when we don't feel great or encounter difficulties and think we're waaay more messed up than others. Hope can seem like a distant fantasy but it's real thing. Dare to hope and stay the course even when you can't *feel* it.

MT

Amazing advice MTFAN!!

What an inspiration you are XOX

1966

Tigereye,

 

I think the reality is that there are parts of this dreadful experience when all we can do is hang on and survive. That may be all you can do right now. You can be compassionate towards yourself and be accepting of the situation but no matter how you slice it, it sucks.

 

That being said, you can work to make it so that your entire life isn't about your misery, about your wd. Theway2 said I went a month without sleep. Actually I had two sleep periods during that month-one for about 2 hours and one for a bit longer with frequent wake ups. I've had months and months of just minutes of a time sleeping for 2-4 hours and it was brutal but survivable.

 

I think it helps to engage with life to the best of your ability. Whether that's finding something interesting to watch on TV, getting together with a friend even though you feel like a zombie, or leaving the house to run errands, it can give you a sense of purpose, it's distracting, and it helps the interminable time pass. Although I would stress when I had a lot on my list to do or on my work days, I found those days passed more quickly and I felt such relief when they were over.

 

It sounds crazy but de-emphazing sleep in your life is crucial. Don't go to bed until you feel like you can rest. Tell yourself as you lie there that no matter what happens you will be OK. All you need is rest. You can survive without sleep (or a whole bunch of us would be dead) for a while. Your brain will learn how to sleep again. In the morning, first thing, thank God for whatever sleep or rest you got. I start every single day saying out loud, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Then I start my gratitude practice before I step one foot out of bed. As I get my breakfast together I give thanks that I have food, am able to get it together, and am able to eat it since there have been times in my life without those things. I went two years with nausea so to be able to feel like I can eat, to feel hungry, is still pretty amazing. When I clean myself up I give thanks knowing all the people who can't bathe and dress themselves. I give thanks for the sun shining or the rain or the moon and stars. I give thanks for getting through this or that task. As time passed I noticed this practice started to shift my awareness so that I was noticing more easily, and more often, the good things in life instead of just the suckatude.

 

This isn't to say that you shouldn't acknowledge what sucks but both wd and sleep deprivation make changes in how the brain works (temporarily) that cause us to filter out the positive and focus on the negative. There's great research on this. You can fight it though and it's a worthwhile fight.

 

For a while I researched insomnia and sleep constantly and stayed on BB for hours per day. I learned a lot by my research but it also added to my agony and paranoia. The time on BB helped me feel less alone but I had to learn when I needed to take time away so I wasn't so focused on it all.

 

If you hear nothing else, please hear that what you're going through is temporary and normal. It will pass and you will find this core of strength within you, understanding that strength doesn't necessarily feel strong, and find that you can carry on. And this, dear fellow benzo warrior, you will carry with you all of your days. That you're this kind of fighter, this determined. You will win this battle and know something about having the "right stuff." Astronauts got nothin' on us!

 

MT

Insomnia and circadian rhythm disorder have been there my whole life, pre benzo.

Have been tapering long time but never was stable.  Ambien was working for me but not last couple nights and I am so upset, trembly, lying in bed,  alone.  Don't know what to do am just feeling so sick.

Does not help I am old, too.  I am so screwed if I can't catch any sleep as I am on my own with non assistance.  Not sure what to do.

BarbaraAve,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this and being alone doesn't make it any easier. At least you have a whole community by your side here on BenzoBuddies. You must know by now that Ambien is a big no no during any benzo taper. The sleep assistance will not last for long and then you either need to take more and more (not a good idea) or accept the insomnia start the healing process. The longer you wait to make this only logical decision, the higher price you will end up paying. Once healed you can explore other non-prescription ways to deal with your original insomnia. You might even find that after the withdrawal experience it is not as bad as before. I am sending healing thoughts your way in the hope that you get through this without too hard of a time.

thank you.

:'(