Benzo and insomnia survivor!

I think it's been well over year since I last logged in, and it struck me that I should probably check in, and see if I can help anyone out. Pay it forward, as many that encouraged me had done.

 

My nightmare started in 2014. It was after very short usage, but the pain was long and persistent. I fell many times. I cried many times. I gave up too many times! But there seemed to always be someone on this site that would give me a little shove forward, to help me get to the next day.

 

And here I am, in 2018, and I barely even remember the countless hours I spent on this forum. I don't remember because I've been replacing those memories with a plethora of new ones. Very happy ones.

 

And I wanted to share that with the many of you that are in this insomnia thread, dealing daily with the crippling effects of these drugs. Insomnia was my most debilitating symptom, and it's the one that made all of the other worse. It's the one that almost got my to throw in the towel.

 

But it does eventually end. Hard to convince someone that is in the thick of it, but anyone who stays off of the drugs for a while, will start to see windows that echo this promise.

 

I wish you all well. Stay strong

Damien, nice of you to check in. I am so happy the nightmare ended for you. Hope you are enjoying Life as Jet’s Dad.

I think it's been well over year since I last logged in, and it struck me that I should probably check in, and see if I can help anyone out. Pay it forward, as many that encouraged me had done.

 

My nightmare started in 2014. It was after very short usage, but the pain was long and persistent. I fell many times. I cried many times. I gave up too many times! But there seemed to always be someone on this site that would give me a little shove forward, to help me get to the next day.

 

And here I am, in 2018, and I barely even remember the countless hours I spent on this forum. I don't remember because I've been replacing those memories with a plethora of new ones. Very happy ones.

 

And I wanted to share that with the many of you that are in this insomnia thread, dealing daily with the crippling effects of these drugs. Insomnia was my most debilitating symptom, and it's the one that made all of the other worse. It's the one that almost got my to throw in the towel.

 

But it does eventually end. Hard to convince someone that is in the thick of it, but anyone who stays off of the drugs for a while, will start to see windows that echo this promise.

 

I wish you all well. Stay strong

 

Hey 8damien8,

 

Glad to see you stopped back.  I took a long break too and pretty much completely recovered also.  I am back on here as I promised Aloha I would come back and help how I could.  I keep repeating what you just said.  Given enough time, everyone will heal and the insomnia and other symptoms will eventually end too.  Glad you are doing so much better and enjoying life.  Me too.  Wrote my success story in early November 2017.  Take care!

Good to hear back from you Damien! I very much enjoyed communicating with you in the past and am very happy to hear about how well you are now doing. Best of 2018 to you!

Thank you so much for checking back in.  It really helps to hear that we will heal.  I had a horrible night last night....went to bed at 10:00 p.m., just layed and layed in bed, did not fall asleep...I don't think I slept  much of the night.  My eyes close, but there is no SLEEPINESS!!!!!.  I did have some better nights earlier in the week..  When you get those, you feel on top of the world the next day.  What causes these good/bad nights of sleep?

 

I took my last piece of Amitriptyline last night (after on 7 years for sleep/anxiety).  So I am FREE of Clonzapam (been off 7 months now) and now Amitriptyline. 

 

Now I am so afraid of the Double Whamy I will get in withdrawal. 

Good to hear from all of you, and glad to hear you're well, or getting there.

 

Not sure if I ever mentioned, but in my struggle, I discovered that my father was also taking benzos. He has likely been on them for a couple of decades, and in recent years we've been noticing his mind is going. Some might say it's a part of aging, but I am convinced it's a result of years of benzos and other pharmaceutical drugs.

 

He fell going down the stairs last night and dislocated his shoulder. At the hospital now, and it's a reminder of how lucky I am to have gotten off these poisonous drugs.

Way to go 8Damien8. Thanks for the update from a benzo insomnia warrior!

Thank you for the reminder that it does eventually go away.💚 Still really struggling with insomnia right now along with many other things and you're right it does make everything else worse. I always think if I could just sleep more there would be less hours of misery to deal with during the day. I stayed up until 2 am hoping that if I was exhausted enough I would sleep longer but it didn't happen I just felt horrible and laid there most of the night unable to sleep at all. If sleep is part of the healing process it's going to be a while still for me I'm afraid. 😞

Good to hear from all of you, and glad to hear you're well, or getting there.

 

Not sure if I ever mentioned, but in my struggle, I discovered that my father was also taking benzos. He has likely been on them for a couple of decades, and in recent years we've been noticing his mind is going. Some might say it's a part of aging, but I am convinced it's a result of years of benzos and other pharmaceutical drugs.

 

He fell going down the stairs last night and dislocated his shoulder. At the hospital now, and it's a reminder of how lucky I am to have gotten off these poisonous drugs.

 

Damien,  Sorry to learn about your father. I hope he recovers and will be OK?  You are so correct.  The latest research suggests that taking benzos over an extended period of time increases your chances of developing dementia or other brain related diseases.  Not saying this to scare those that were on for extended periods of time, but rather to let those people know that are getting off or trying to get off that there are other reasons for doing so.  I feel so lucky now that I quickly reached tolerance and was only on benzos for 12 weeks.  I used to think people that took years to develop tolerance were "lucky," now I know those of us that were short-time users and paid the price were actually the "lucky ones"  All drugs, including aspirin, can have side effects.  Durg free is the best way to live life!

Thank you for the reminder that it does eventually go away.💚 Still really struggling with insomnia right now along with many other things and you're right it does make everything else worse. I always think if I could just sleep more there would be less hours of misery to deal with during the day. I stayed up until 2 am hoping that if I was exhausted enough I would sleep longer but it didn't happen I just felt horrible and laid there most of the night unable to sleep at all. If sleep is part of the healing process it's going to be a while still for me I'm afraid. 😞

 

Hi Faery23,

 

It will get better and I know how hopeless it seems especially when you don't sleep well.  Everyone heals at different speeds so on the recovery "chart" you could still be somewhat "early" in your recovery process? I don't say that to scare you, but to be realistic.  Ashton says insomnia fades for most over a 6-12 month period.  I was on another Benzo recovery site, (point of return) and many there said they did not sleep much the first year.  I was lucky, I only suffered from severe insomnia for just under 9 months.  Many on this site had their insomnia let up around 15 to 18 months and some around 2 years.  When I first asked how long it would take to start to sleep again, I didn't want to hear that.  I thought I could never go that long without sleep, but we are much stronger than we think and our bodies can do amazing things on little or no sleep.  I would read posts by MTfan.  She had extreme insomnia for a very long time.  She is a true warrior and someone with great advice for the sleep deprived.  But know that it WILL get better slowly, gradually given enough time.  You will start to sleep and you will get your life back.  Be strong, be positive and hang in there!

Damien,

Thanks of all of your encouragement! I am very grateful 

I am newly registered, but have been visiting quite a bit over the past month or so. Now that I got through the holidays, I am better able to focus on my issues. Have started to chart my meals (have weight loss), sleep, or lack of it, and other symptoms like anxiety.

Right now I am in an "every other night sleep phase." Its weird, because I was so tired last night when I lay my head on the pillow, but sleep never came . Today I feel like a truck hit me! Lethargic, anxious, no hunger (although I know I have to force myself to eat) and headachy. Its just a terrible way to live, because I can't plan anything. I feel like I've been poisoned! Now, yesterday I was well! Hungry, energetic, not anxious, happy! The week before, I slept 4 nights in a row! That was actually new, as most of December was zero sleep nights. I just don't know how I made it this far (well, I have an amazingly supportive family, especially husband who takes care of me, and I am retired so I'm fortunate that I don't have to work. Actually, I need to count my blessings more!)

I know I'm rambling! My apologies.

 

Tigereye

Damien,

Thanks of all of your encouragement! I am very grateful 

I am newly registered, but have been visiting quite a bit over the past month or so. Now that I got through the holidays, I am better able to focus on my issues. Have started to chart my meals (have weight loss), sleep, or lack of it, and other symptoms like anxiety.

Right now I am in an "every other night sleep phase." Its weird, because I was so tired last night when I lay my head on the pillow, but sleep never came . Today I feel like a truck hit me! Lethargic, anxious, no hunger (although I know I have to force myself to eat) and headachy. Its just a terrible way to live, because I can't plan anything. I feel like I've been poisoned! Now, yesterday I was well! Hungry, energetic, not anxious, happy! The week before, I slept 4 nights in a row! That was actually new, as most of December was zero sleep nights. I just don't know how I made it this far (well, I have an amazingly supportive family, especially husband who takes care of me, and I am retired so I'm fortunate that I don't have to work. Actually, I need to count my blessings more!)

I know I'm rambling! My apologies.

 

Tigereye

 

Hi Tigereye,

 

The every other night sleep pattern you mention you are going through seems pretty "normal" for those going through withdrawal.  I went through those and vividly remember when I got some sleep, I felt on top of the world, but sort of dreaded the next night as I knew I wouldn't get much or zero.  That lasted about 5 months then I started getting sleep on 2, 3 or 4 days in a row.  It wasn't a lot of sleep like maybe 2 - 3 hours but I was so thankful for any sleep and for sleep for 2 or more nights in a row.  That slowly transitioned to longer sleep periods and then more days in a row.  Weight loss is also common.  There are more Gabba receptors in your intestinal track than in the rest of your body.  So while the Gabba in your brain takes a beating, your GI tract takes a bigger one.  I had to force myself to eat too, lost about 25lbs and was constipated all the time.  You have been poisoned by benzos, but thankfully the poison won't kill you and your body knows how to repair the damage. 

 

You are very strong and can do more than you believe right now.  The sleepless nights are terrible, but they WILL get better.  It just takes more time than we would like it to.  But it will happen, and one day all of this will just be bad memories from the past.  Keep eating healthy, exercise if possible, drink lots of water and keep the faith.  Sometimes it was very hard for me to understand why God would allow us to go through such a trial, but after awhile I started to ask,  "what are you trying to teach me?"  Lean on your family, Lean on God.  You WILL get there...

ThEwAY2,

 

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. It really helps. Yesterday, my anxiety got the best of me, and I began to fear the weight loss. I spent the morning making calls to get an appointment with a gastroenterologist. (Great, now I'm turning into a hypochondriac!) I was aware of the benzos causing weight loss, but the anxiety can take me down so easily.

 

Exercise, proper eating, and community are helping. My hubby goes to AA, and I've started going with him. The trouble people talk about before sobriety are so similar to the despair I often feel. Anyone is welcome, and you don't have to say anything.

 

I was reading a thread from Jittery18 about sleep deprivation, and how it helped her with her insomnia. She says go to bed at midnight, and get up at 6. If you cannot sleep after laying there for 30 minutes, get up and read in low light until you are tired. The

point is not to associate your bed with frustration. I know I have begun to obsess about whether I will sleep, partly because I never

can predict if I'll fall asleep. It's basically CBT for insomnia. Ever try it?

 

Tigereye

 

 

 

 

 

 

ThEwAY2,

 

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. It really helps. Yesterday, my anxiety got the best of me, and I began to fear the weight loss. I spent the morning making calls to get an appointment with a gastroenterologist. (Great, now I'm turning into a hypochondriac!) I was aware of the benzos causing weight loss, but the anxiety can take me down so easily.

 

Exercise, proper eating, and community are helping. My hubby goes to AA, and I've started going with him. The trouble people talk about before sobriety are so similar to the despair I often feel. Anyone is welcome, and you don't have to say anything.

 

I was reading a thread from Jittery18 about sleep deprivation, and how it helped her with her insomnia. She says go to bed at midnight, and get up at 6. If you cannot sleep after laying there for 30 minutes, get up and read in low light until you are tired. The

point is not to associate your bed with frustration. I know I have begun to obsess about whether I will sleep, partly because I never

can predict if I'll fall asleep. It's basically CBT for insomnia. Ever try it?

 

Tigereye

 

Tigereye,

 

Yes, I tried CBT, but I would caution against it.  Here's why.  Early on in withdrawal, nothing seems to work for most folks.  CBT might work for those that have regular insomnia that is not drug induced, but didn't work for me or many others as your insomnia is a result of your Gabba receptors in your brain being completely messed up.  They make you calm and relaxed and are not working right now.  Your sleep switch is broken. Not sure how going to bed at midnight and getting up at 6 is going to help fix the out of whack Gabba?  I understand the idea of not associating your bed with not sleeping and iI agree with that after sleep starts to return.  However, in the meantime, your body needs rest.  You can live on little or no sleep, but you still need to rest.  Lying quietly in bed will help recharge your batteries.  I never got up to read as I did not know, like you, when I might nod off with some lighter sleep.  You might not feel tired for some time.  I would go for 3 or 4 days in a row without sleep and never feel sleepy or tired and I would barely yawn.  So getting up to read when your brain is racing doesn't make any sense to me.  You most likely will not get tired no matter how much you read?  You can try it, but if it doesn't work, I would choose rest over reading. 

 

Most of the people that push CBT do not understand withdrawal.  It is chemical damage to the brain that will heal itself over time.  Unfortunately nothing can speed up the process.  I don't want to come across as being negative, but there is very little you can do except accept the situation you are in and be as positive as possible.  It will take lots of time with lots of ups and downs, but it WILL get better.  Hang in there!

I need some hope-what if you develop akathisia during this, can you still heal? I'm almost 11 mos off and worse than earlier on in withdrawal. I'm feeling pretty hopeless as I've had no windows.

ThEwAY2,

 

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. It really helps. Yesterday, my anxiety got the best of me, and I began to fear the weight loss. I spent the morning making calls to get an appointment with a gastroenterologist. (Great, now I'm turning into a hypochondriac!) I was aware of the benzos causing weight loss, but the anxiety can take me down so easily.

 

Exercise, proper eating, and community are helping. My hubby goes to AA, and I've started going with him. The trouble people talk about before sobriety are so similar to the despair I often feel. Anyone is welcome, and you don't have to say anything.

 

 

 

I was reading a thread from Jittery18 about sleep deprivation, and how it helped her with her insomnia. She says go to bed at midnight, and get up at 6. If you cannot sleep after laying there for 30 minutes, get up and read in low light until you are tired. The

point is not to associate your bed with frustration. I know I have begun to obsess about whether I will sleep, partly because I never

can predict if I'll fall asleep. It's basically CBT for insomnia. Ever try it?

 

Tigereye

 

Tigereye,

 

Yes, I tried CBT, but I would caution against it.  Here's why.  Early on in withdrawal, nothing seems to work for most folks.  CBT might work for those that have regular insomnia that is not drug induced, but didn't work for me or many others as your insomnia is a result of your Gabba receptors in your brain being completely messed up.  They make you calm and relaxed and are not working right now.  Your sleep switch is broken. Not sure how going to bed at midnight and getting up at 6 is going to help fix the out of whack Gabba?  I understand the idea of not associating your bed with not sleeping and iI agree with that after sleep starts to return.  However, in the meantime, your body needs rest.  You can live on little or no sleep, but you still need to rest.  Lying quietly in bed will help recharge your batteries.  I never got up to read as I did not know, like you, when I might nod off with some lighter sleep.  You might not feel tired for some time.  I would go for 3 or 4 days in a row without sleep and never feel sleepy or tired and I would barely yawn.  So getting up to read when your brain is racing doesn't make any sense to me.  You most likely will not get tired no matter how much you read?  You can try it, but if it doesn't work, I would choose rest over reading. 

 

Most of the people that push CBT do not understand withdrawal.  It is chemical damage to the brain that will heal itself over time.  Unfortunately nothing can speed up the process.  I don't want to come across as being negative, but there is very little you can do except accept the situation you are in and be as positive as possible.  It will take lots of time with lots of ups and downs, but it WILL get better.  Hang in there!

 

Theway2,

 

Ok thanks. I agree, as I have the same weird symptoms-not often tired, and seldom yawn. I agree, also, that rest, in the dark,

is the best I can do right now.

I will try to stay positive and optimistic. I feel a little better about the whole thing, given some understanding. Thank you. It helps to

count my blessings, as things could be much worse.

 

Tigereye

 

 

ThEwAy2...thanks. Yeah it's not rly what any of us want to hear that it could take that long but I've made it 7 months so far. The insomnia doesn't worry me as much as other symptoms do. If it was the only one I had I would be ok with that but it just makes the long miserable days even longer. I have been able to sleep about 6 hours a few nights so I know it will get better. I'm just weak and exhausted and physically not doing well at all. I am more concerned about the overall effects on my health due to the current state of shock my body is in. Hopefully it will all repair itself with time. I can hold on if I know that someday it will all go away and I will be how I was before. Just still stuck in the fear that some of the damage will stay with me even after this. I hope I'm wrong about that. Thanks again💙

Faery23,

 

I am with you on that! I am definitely in a sorry state! Weight loss, low appetite, low energy. For me, it has made sense to seek some "body work." Acupuncture has been that for me. My acupuncturist has been very encouraging, as he sees me 3 X/week, and

can attest to some progress. He says that he can tell by my face that I am healthy, but he also checks my tongue and pulses. If you have trouble affording that, there is such a thing as "community acupuncture," which often uses a sliding scale for determining the fee.

Another thing I recognized was that when I drank "protein shakes" with protein powder mixtures, I was extra "Keyed up" at night.

Somebody on this site cautioned about free glutamate foods being problematic to those of us recovering from benzos. You can look it up to understand the mechanisms. I have decided to avoid MSG, gluten and casein, and I feel better! I don't have as many headaches, especially right after eating. I discovered how laced our diets are with hidden MSG!! It is literally in most all processed foods, and in much of the food in restaurants.

Exercise is also very important. I try to walk everyday, and when it's too cold, I will do extra laps around the grocery store. This week, we're going to have some 40-50 degree days!! Woo, woo!

Since anxiety plays a part in my symptoms, I can get really wigged out! My pastor reminded me that I don't have to claim the anxious thoughts. Know inside that I am safe and loved. This, too, shall pass.

Listen to me encouraging you! The sorry sack I am! I'll need somebody else's encouragement in a few hours, I'm sure :>}

 

Sending healing thoughts,

Tigereye

I need some hope-what if you develop akathisia during this, can you still heal? I'm almost 11 mos off and worse than earlier on in withdrawal. I'm feeling pretty hopeless as I've had no windows.

 

Yes, there is definitely hope.  Akathisia will go away.  Another Buddy, Siggy, had it pretty bad for awhile and thought he might lose his job.  He was able to take some sick leave and keep working.  It faded and went away for him and he kept his job.  Not sure if you are taking any other Rx drugs or anything else to help with your recovery?  11 months is very good.  You made it this far, keep on going and don't give up.  You will get better!  Everyone heals, but unfortunately it is at different speeds and with different amounts of time for recovery for each person.  Please update your signature so we know what you were on and for how long and if you are still taking anything else right now.  That would help me and other buddies give you advice. 

Thank you ThEwAy2...I appreciate it. I've had it now for 21 mos straight-the mental kind. It binds me to bed most days. I'll update my signature-just joined. Thank you

Hi again ThEwAy2 and everyone,  I agree with you.  I cannot get out of bed when I am not sleeping.  I cannot read a book, get up and watch T.V., etc.  I  feel that I might miss out on some sleep, so I just lay in bed the whole night.  I feel by just laying at least my body is resting.  I don't understand , that while laying there, my mind is everywhere, so anxious and thinking of everything.  I never use to have this.  Is this the withdrawal from Clonzapam and  Amitriptyine?   

 

ThEwAy2 - YOU CERTAINLY GIVE ME HOPE !!!...  I KEEP READING ALL OF YOUR POSTS AND YOU ARE SO POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING!.  When I feel like crap, I go and read your positive posts. 

 

I want to be normal again.... sleep, get up, run, work out, eat right, go do all my errands, have fun, etc. etc.    This is so debilitating....but I have to keep positive.  This has to get better.

Thank you for the reminder that it does eventually go away.💚 Still really struggling with insomnia right now along with many other things and you're right it does make everything else worse. I always think if I could just sleep more there would be less hours of misery to deal with during the day. I stayed up until 2 am hoping that if I was exhausted enough I would sleep longer but it didn't happen I just felt horrible and laid there most of the night unable to sleep at all. If sleep is part of the healing process it's going to be a while still for me I'm afraid. 😞

 

I remember those nights where I would lay there for hours hoping for just a sliver of sleep. Many nights, I would not get that sliver, and the next day would be rough. I had once gone 3 days in a row without sleep, and felt like I was going to die. Many weeks I went with one night of sleep, then I would miss the following.

 

At that point, I honestly never thought I would sleep normally again, and didn't think I could even live that way. And look, here I am, still not the best sleeper (never was) but I don't worry and live is good!

 

YOU WILL GET THERE!

Good to hear back from you Damien! I very much enjoyed communicating with you in the past and am very happy to hear about how well you are now doing. Best of 2018 to you!

 

Yes, very good to hear from you as well. Hope you're doing great. You definitely were very helpful in the past, and for that I am forever grateful.

Damien, nice of you to check in. I am so happy the nightmare ended for you. Hope you are enjoying Life as Jet’s Dad.

 

More than enjoying!!!

 

How is life... I remember we once spoke on the phone and you seemed like you couldn't make it another day. And look at that... we reached the light at the end of that shitty tunnel!!!

Way to go 8Damien8. Thanks for the update from a benzo insomnia warrior!

 

Anyone going through this is a warrior! It truly tests every bit of you. But when you get through, you realize you are stronger than you ever imagined!