Author Topic: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road  (Read 11794 times)

[Buddie]

10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« on: January 09, 2018, 09:22:47 pm »
This has taken me a while to write for many reasons.  I am not sure many people on this site remember me, but i was a lost soul a couple of years ago.  As i sit here on my computer about to write this recovery story, i can relate to what many of you are going through. Benzos are the most evil drugs in the world.  This road to recovery was the stangest, saddest, most aggravating, and punishing road i have ever taken.  For many of you reading this, i know what is going through your mind.  I know it because, i lived it.  You are thinking "My withdrawal is different.  Mine is much worse.  I see people recovering, but i will not recover".  I can tell you with all honesty and sincerity that this is a false statement.

This whole thing began back in October of 2015.  I was having some pretty bad anxiety which was work related.  2 years prior i was on Klonopin for about a month to help with my anxiety after a breakup and other life problems that are thrown at us.  Took the Klonopin for a month and stopped.  At the time, i noticed that i was feeling a little different.  Felt like my anxiety was worse that it ever was.   I never read anything on withdrawal from Klonopin, because i [...] never thought about it.  Well it felt pretty bad for about 7 months after that initial fling with Klonopin.  So fast forward to October of 2015.  I was dating a woman in Dallas, TX.  Lived in Houston.  I began to feel very strange again because i had a lot of work stress and other stresses in my life.  I made a trip to the same doctor who prescribed me Klonopin the year before.  I felt that i needed something again to help my anxiety.  Well........i was prescribed Klonopin again.  This time i was put on .5 mg twice a day for "as long as you need".  To make a long story short, i was beginning to feel real sick once i started this drug again.   For the next several months i was in and out of ER.  I thought i had heart problems.  I thought i was depressed.  I thought i was going mentally crazy.  There were times i couldnt even walk or leave my house.  The [...] scared me.  Everything scared me and i felt lonely and depressed.  My body was shaking, i had akisthisia, severe anxiety, diverticulitis, and almost every symptom of suffering you could think about.  My health was so bad that i had to sell my house in Texas and move down to Florida with my mom. 

When i arrived in Florida in April of 2016, i was a complete mess.  I was unable to do anything.  My mom had no clue how to handle it.  She , nor anyone else seemed to understand what i was going through.  "Hey, snap out of it", or "Get a job and it'll be better".   Well it's bullshit guys.  Nobody really understands the pain you are going through during this withdrawal.  You [...] want to be alone.  All kinds of things running through your head. "Will i live much longer".  "Do i want to live much longer?" The hardest thing was in my strongest times of survival , my whole circle of friends thought i was weak.  If they had any clue the battle i was going through, i would have won a fricking gold medal.  This was real and this was not going anywhere anytime soon. I would be on the internet when i could.  I would read, read, read, and read until i couldnt read anymore.  I was on google more than anyone in this country.  Googled every single symptom. Tried every single supplement.  You name it, i tried it.  NOTHING WORKED!!!  In fact, i felt that i was getting worse.  In May of 2016, i was not on Klonopin.  I was struggling so bad from coming off of 1MG that i wished i had some more.  My mom kept that rest that i had in her room.  One night i cracked.  It was June of 2016.  I went into my moms room and grabbed the Klonopin that i had previously.  Now remember i hadnt taken any in 3 months.  I took 6 pills at one time (.5mg each).  I thought to myself, ok i am going to die.  Well what happened was weird.  I woke up the next day feeling pretty good.  No symptoms.  Then another day, nothing.  Then 5 more days nothing. I thought, wait a minute? Am i cured?  Then on Day 6 all hell broke loose.  I had every single symptom i could think about.  I threatened suicide and was taken to the Mental Health Center.  At the Mental Health Center, i was put on Ativan.  When i was released about 9 days later, i got myself a doctor in Florida and she put me back on 1.5 mg of klonopin per day.  This is where i started to recover.  My doctor did NOT believe that benzo withdrawal existed.  She said that everything i was feeling was because i was thinking negatively.  I started to read the internet on how to properly withdraw from Benzos.  This is where i found the Ashton manual.  I followed her program to an extent but i made some changes to it.  First of all, i was not going to wean off a drug that took me 1.5 years to recover.  In December of 2016, i began to wean off of my 1.5 mg. It was absolutely brutal and something i would NEVER wish on my worst enemy.  I would drop .5 mg at first to 1mg. Then i would wait until i felt better, than it was another .5mg. I was down to .5mg in February of 2017, and Off the drug on March of 2017.  I felt absolutely attrocious.  Heart rate was off the charts.  I was taking my blood pressure every 5 minutes because i thought i was going to have a heart attack.  Since the end of March 2017, i can honestly say i NEVER took the drug again.  The next 3 months were really really difficult.  Gradually and very slowly, i made it out.  I made it out alive.  I was able to get a job in June of 2017.  Then another job in October of 2018. 

There were times were i wanted to give up.  I can honestly say that Benzobuddies was a crucial part of my recovery.  I made so many friends on here.  Friends i still keep in touch with today.  I know i owe alot of my recovery to the wonderful people on here.  I am 46 years old now and i basically lost 3 years of my life for a drug i took for a total of 4 months.  There is life after benzos.  I stopped, started, stopped, cheated and was told i would never recover.  Well, i have totally recovered and i fell i am the best i have ever been in my entire life right now because of it.  Please guys if you are there right now, with no hope; your brain telling you that you arent capable of anything or you'll never do anything ever again, dont believe it. Please DONT GIVE UP!  PLEASE!   I promise you that the only thing that will cure you is TIME.  That's it.  TIME CURES THIS WITHDRAWAL AND TIME ONLY!  You will get through this.  Please dont try to think anyone will understand you.  [...] know that you are strong and you are going to come out the other side.  I promise you 100% you will recover.  I am living my life again.  I have a wonderful girlfriend now.  Never thought that was possible either. I lost alot from Klonopin. I really did. But i didnt lose my life or my mind.  I will build myself back up, and so will you. 

I end this novel by saying thank you to benzobuddies and to all of the fantastic people associated with this site.  I am cheering for every one of you and if you need to talk to me in private, i will be here for you.  [...] remember, your time is coming.  My time is now, and i am going to enjoy the rest of my life on earth benzo free. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2018, 09:29:15 pm »
Wow, [...], I am absolutely blown away and happy for you! I remember what an absolutely horrible time you had with this.
Take care, best wishes to you!
[...]  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2018, 09:31:53 pm »
What  a great story, [...]. You had an awful time, and you'll be in inspiration to those who are going through it now.   :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2018, 09:33:51 pm »
what a great success story, i can relate to everything you said - particularly the part where you felt everyone thought you were weak only in reality you are far stronger than anyone could ever realize for enduring what happened and having the will do go forward each day and survive it.  i also walked this brutal road and am happy to consider myself recovered.  it is a nightmare i would not wish on my worst enemy.  enjoy your new found freedom and joy.  the amazing thing is the amount of growth that comes from this - the issues that drove you to take the meds in the first place - probably seem like peanuts now!!  congrats!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2018, 09:37:37 pm »
Congratulations!  :-*
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2018, 10:09:34 pm »
Well done! Congratulations - very awesome.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2018, 10:11:53 pm »
Wow, [...], I am absolutely blown away and happy for you! I remember what an absolutely horrible time you had with this.
Take care, best wishes to you!
[...]  :smitten:

[...], thank you so much!!! It's incredible to live again!  You are always going to be in my heart because you really helped me.  I cannot believe i have healed.  Please keep in touch, and i hope you are doing well!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2018, 10:12:43 pm »
What  a great story, [...]. You had an awful time, and you'll be in inspiration to those who are going through it now.   :smitten:

Thank you [...]!!!  You guys are the best!!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2018, 10:13:58 pm »
what a great success story, i can relate to everything you said - particularly the part where you felt everyone thought you were weak only in reality you are far stronger than anyone could ever realize for enduring what happened and having the will do go forward each day and survive it.  i also walked this brutal road and am happy to consider myself recovered.  it is a nightmare i would not wish on my worst enemy.  enjoy your new found freedom and joy.  the amazing thing is the amount of growth that comes from this - the issues that drove you to take the meds in the first place - probably seem like peanuts now!!  congrats!

[...] Thank you so much!!  I can relate to everything [...] about on here.  I am NEVER going back to this drug again. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: 10 Months off and i am healed.........What a road
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2018, 10:15:03 pm »
Thanks so much to everyone on here for the reply and congrats.  It is honestly my biggest accomplishment in my entire life. I am not longer going to worry about the small things in life.  In the big picture, we only live once, so let's enjoy it. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.