What to do

The longstanding daily question to myself; can I live through another day with all of this depression / anxiety... through the rest of the winter. The answer my brain feeds me is a resounding no. So my wife booked me in to see a psychiatrist in 2 weeks. I'm severely depressed for sure; I mean I have some energy but I get no contentment from my day to day existence (if you can call it that). I work from home, I walk the dog, I exercise some days, I eat well, no drugs, no alcohol, etc.. never any feelings well being. Tremors in the morning, constant anxiety, rumination, and the despair continues. Tried so may supplements... nothing helps much. Fear of never getting my life back or being able to enjoy anything. Coming here daily to read success stories and posts to see if I can find someone who can relate to my suffering. Looking all over the world for treatment options; nothing. Very little support from doctors here in Canada except take meds or go to an institution for mood disorders.

 

Are people feeling this way? Why don't some people suffer with depression through this? Is it because the only people that have depression in this are not doing something fulfilling in their lives, no purpose, or do I have an underlying disorder that is now just progressively getting worse? I need help... don't know where to get it. Hospital is of no help, GP doesn't know what to do, the psychiatrist is going to push me to do ECT if I don't want to take meds. There just seems like there is no way out.

I know exactly how you feel. I could have written this myself.  My case is different then yours, in that i was off 26 months still suffering very much, then the worse happened. I had a major medical emergency and was then put back on various benzos in ICU for 2 weeks a few months. ago. Just wanted to let you know that I know your pain and frustrations.

 

Try to hang on one hour, one day at a time. I pray you find relief soon.

 

Colley, Do you suffer any physical symptoms? I ask because there is increasing evidence in the medical literature that this type of depression/anxiety is physically based (and by that I don't mean the old theory of 'chemical imbalance in the brain'), in particular by inflammatory conditions... I'm looking into that as a possibility for myself. I've spent years researching this. I'd really like to know more about your experience, if you're OK with that?

No real physical pain through my entire withdrawal. Head pain / pressure, tingling in my arms, tremors (head shakes, hands), body aches here and there, nausea, and general malaise / fatigue. Nothing really beyond that stuff. My most severe symptoms are mental... which is why I believe I will not be able to make it.

 

No, you will make it. You will.

 

Did you have the depression before your benzo use? Beyond withdrawal, are there currently any circumstances in your life that could be causing extreme unhappiness or dissatisfaction? If not, the depression must have a physical basis (whether from benzo use, inflammation, or such), and can be fixed naturally in time. Physical indicators won't necessarily be obvious at all. There's lots of hope for you, Colley. You just have to find your personal puzzle pieces. It can be done...

 

Oh ya.. Tinnitus for sure. I guess all of those things I listed are physical. I just see that some people have different types of physical pain; like there leg hurts, or nerve pain (which I'm not entirely sure I have but I think I would know if I do), stomach aches and such... I don't know what else is involved in physical withdrawal pain. I know my head feels weird, strange, pressure, headache, pretty much all of the time or I feel completely restless like I'm slowly going mad. I'm scared a lot that I'm not going to get better so that causes a huge amount of depression / anxiety. I've lost pretty much my whole life over the past 3 years. I put myself through a lot of difficult treatments (about 1.5 years) before I figured that the Benzo's could be to blame. It was the first med I took so I'm assuming that was it... but now I'm not so sure. I could have done a lot of other damage with all of the other meds I tried the year before I jumped. Anyway, pretty much med free since October 2016. I tried a couple of things but for very limited amounts of time; Lamictal (1 month), Zoloft (2 weeks), Gabapentin (1 night...lol), Mirtazapine (1 night).

 

I hate medication it always makes me feel worse. But my unwillingness to pursue medication through thick and thin, and not stay on something could quite possibly mean the end of my existence. I don't trust doctors but I also don't trust that everything I'm experiencing is Benzo withdrawal related. There are many people who are not depressed going through this which leads me to believe that more often than not, people have a willingness to get through this no matter what. And I believe those people do not have severe / chronic depression.

 

Colley, your post has much to reply to, and I'm going to try to do it justice. Typing away here. Just give me a bit of time...

 

No, you will make it. You will.

 

Did you have the depression before your benzo use? Beyond withdrawal, are there currently any circumstances in your life that could be causing extreme unhappiness or dissatisfaction? If not, the depression must have a physical basis (whether from benzo use, inflammation, or such), and can be fixed naturally in time. Physical indicators won't necessarily be obvious at all. There's lots of hope for you, Colley. You just have to find your personal puzzle pieces. It can be done...

 

I think I had some depression; I was starting to really not enjoy my job (it was very stressful - but I didn't know what stress was until I started going through mental illness) and was having some issues with my marriage. But nothing like this kind of depression / hopelessness. And yes, circumstances are terrible! It's winter, cold and dreary in Canada so I don't get out much, I work from home doing a job I did 15 years ago that an old boss gave me out of sympathy, I never see my friends anymore because I don't feel comfortable and neither do they, I'm bored beyond the meaning of the word, my wife has been looking after me for 3 years, my family doesn't know what to do, my GP thinks I'm crazy, I think I'm crazy, my life was a million times better than it is now, I've spent half of my savings, I'm 43 and it will be difficult at best to get back to do anything I can be proud of myself doing, I think about this sh*t day after day because my symptoms trigger negative thought patterns, nothing helps me feel better, I've become the most miserable person in the world when I used to be the person that others leaned on for support and guidance, I was someone with a well paying career (just wasn't grateful for it) and now I'm a stay at home pet sitter for my animals barely able to look after himself. Pretty much waiting for the day I just can't take it anymore. I refuse to go to a psyche ward... If there is hope, I am blinded by too many other challenges to see it.... but I thank you for your kind words. 

All pain is inflammation based, and it can manifest differently for different people. For some it comes as stomach ache or headache, for others as itching or skin crawling, for yet others inflammation manifests mostly mentally. There are now many peer-reviewed medical studies that back this up. And yes, of course it's completely understandable that you would be feeling scared and depressed by your suffering and current circumstances, and worrying that it's permanent. I think we all have that.

 

As for all the meds you took: they would not have damaged you permanently. You were only on for very short periods. And even if you had been on for longer - even the serious polydrugged cases recover in time. But it's very likely that your liver is struggling a bit from it all, and that you have some gut dysbiosis/'leaky gut' issues from the meds. Those things are all fixable and explainable. Time will help sort them out, but you can help time along a bit by supporting your body through natural means...

 

You say that you're not sure your symptoms are all benzo related. I agree. We often have (subtle) underlying physical imbalances that land us on benzos in the first place. Benzos usually make these imbalances s a lot worse. But that doesn't mean they can't be fixed naturally, especially as you say that meds always make you feel worse. Are you familiar with the term 'healing crisis'? In layman's terms, it means that our symptoms (including depression/anxiety) often get worse for quite a while as the body tries to balance itself, detox, and heal. It does not mean that healing is not happening. In fact, in some healing systems it's considered a very good sign...

 

And 43 is young. You have a hell of lot of options (and good years ahead), even if you can't see that now. The psych ward's not one of them, dude. I've been there. Believe me. 

Colley,

 

Read Lostdog's success story, if you haven't yet done so: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=84857.0

 

It keeps me going. We're all different, but you might relate. I'm not saying I agree with just waiting it out (I'm in the 'help the body along' camp), but Lostdog's story shows how normal your feelings of despair and depression are. And how it can all turn around completely, no matter how bad things are right now.

 

Keeping you in my thoughts.

The longstanding daily question to myself; can I live through another day with all of this depression / anxiety... through the rest of the winter. The answer my brain feeds me is a resounding no. So my wife booked me in to see a psychiatrist in 2 weeks. I'm severely depressed for sure; I mean I have some energy but I get no contentment from my day to day existence (if you can call it that). I work from home, I walk the dog, I exercise some days, I eat well, no drugs, no alcohol, etc.. never any feelings well being. Tremors in the morning, constant anxiety, rumination, and the despair continues. Tried so may supplements... nothing helps much. Fear of never getting my life back or being able to enjoy anything. Coming here daily to read success stories and posts to see if I can find someone who can relate to my suffering. Looking all over the world for treatment options; nothing. Very little support from doctors here in Canada except take meds or go to an institution for mood disorders.

 

Are people feeling this way? Why don't some people suffer with depression through this? Is it because the only people that have depression in this are not doing something fulfilling in their lives, no purpose, or do I have an underlying disorder that is now just progressively getting worse? I need help... don't know where to get it. Hospital is of no help, GP doesn't know what to do, the psychiatrist is going to push me to do ECT if I don't want to take meds. There just seems like there is no way out.

 

Seems like an AD could help you. But you need to wait three weeks before an SSRI starts acting. You also take the smallest possible dose to start with. Then you gradually increase. It’s possible to be on a small dose. 25-12,5 mg Zoloft was effective for me. When off benzos, I felt good on 5 mg Prozac. Why did you stop Zoloft? It’s a good psych med. A bit activating, but lifts depression nicely. Couldn’t take cause it gave me hot flashes. Pretty safe, cause they treat kids with it. What dose were you on? Cognitive Therapy once a week would also be a good solution. ADs alone won’t treat your depression. Did pdoc diagnose you with anything? SSRIs cause anxiety. But I found SSRIs and SNRIs more effective for my depression than tricyclic ADs. Do you have mood swings? Mood stabilizers are often used for mood swings and to treat Bipolar Disorder. Maybe your depression is situational. Working from home. Could be you need to be around ppl?

Maybe you should go on a long vacation colley by yourself. Get out of that environment for awhile.