Completely healed off os psych meds and benzos

Hi Everyone,

8 years ago I finished tapering 4 mg of Klonopin.  It was a painful experinece, and I have posted a video to share with everyone to give hope

 

My story was about a long and painful psychological and mental withdrawal, so I have to share with everyone the move valuable commodity, HOPE!  When I was going through mine, there was tremendous amounts of fear, and when I replaced fear with faith, my body responded with accelerated healing.  Success stories are a powerful source of faith, becasue, since I did it, you will also be able to. 

 

Mine was not a simple withdrawal becaue I was filled with pshycholical and emotional trauma before the benzo experience, and I was also addicted, on my journey, many times, to drugs and alcohol.  The Klonopin was a miracle drug at first, and, then, like all other drugs, it not only wore off, but it turned around and created another problem.  After I too my last benzo, I had a very painful and long drawn out “dark night of the soul” and I learned many valuable tools that I am anxious and honored to share with you all now.  If you watch my video, you will see that, today, I am actually greatful for that painful experinece.  I had a very stubborn ego, and its my conviction that the Benzo Withdrawl a requirement for my lifetime soul assingment.  If it had not been for that, I would be still living unconsciously which would have been a shallow life built on self.  The common theme of the video is a life of meaning and purpose that comes from my heart today.  The opposite of fear is love, so this is the message I have come to share with everyone today.

 

Much Love

 

Kenneth

Edit: Removed self promoting link.

 

 

Hi Kenneth,

 

Congratulations on your success story! I am familiar with your story both on the Facebook Forums and on BenzoBuddies. Although I do not mean to discredit your success in any way, I was hoping you could share more details about the neurological side of your journey as opposed to the spiritual side. Could you speak about symptoms and when they left you? How is your cognition or did you have physical symptoms? Again I don't mean to detract from your success, conversely I am very happy to hear that you've healed this far out; I am just curious about the physical, and neurological aspect of your healing as well.

 

Thank you !

 

Thank you, Roth, for your heartfelt questions.  I only had depression and anxiety, and in the early days of WD I was unable to perform the mindfullness and mediation’s.  However, I had tremendous faith, so that is what I return to share.  I also was unstable before the benzos, so all of the trauma that was unresolved had to be addressed, and I hope I was able to cover this on my video.  I did not experience the neurological Side effects that many have encountered, so I invite others to find support for those issues from others who can relate.  What I did discover was to focus on the illness continued the illness, so I hope my story can help others in the arena of support and hope becaue the spiritual side of my experience is what I want to offer to others becaue that was the foundation of my recovery.  Much Love, Kenneth

HI folks. I’m completely healed from 4 mg klonopin and 25 years polydrugged on countless psychotropics (along with Alcohol and drug addiction).  Much love everyone and god bless.

 

My benzo story

 

The only reason I share this is to help others.  Otherwise, all of this is a closed chapter.  But, as humans, our stories contain value.  They make us wise.  Not because they are true (none of what you are about to read is true); but because they help us discover what is true by sharing what is false.  This may sound confusing now so instead of trying to figure out what I just said, read on and you will get it at the end.

 

Ok, here it goes.  I was traumatized as a child (some would say i was abused).  Although Thats not true true anymore (in the NOW), but for the sake of a good story, yes, I (the small i) was a victim of child abuse.

 

So, because I was wired all discombobulated (some would call it developmental trauma).  So, as a child,  I developed all sorts of beliefs about myself and the world that were simply not true.  For example, the first belief was that “the world was unsafe” (a biggie!) Another belief, that, “I can’t trust others” and there were many many more.........

 

“I’m ugly”

“We need to compete”

“I don’t contain value”

“There is not going to be enough”

“Others people matter more than I do”

“I am a sinner who needs to redeem himself”

“Homosexuals are not worthy of gods love”

“God punishes bad and rewards good”

 

And on and on and on..............

 

Why do I bring all of this up?  Because its part of my story, thats why............

 

I didn’t take benzos because I was happy.  I took them becaue I was a mess.

 

Given those beliefs, who would not try to medicate?, i grew up a neurotic mess basket case full of anxiety.  From as far back as I can remember, I was in constant fear.  FEAR, FEAR FEAR!!!!!!!.  Total angst, and I tried every self help modality to ameliorate the anxiety and to make me a better person who was worthy of love.

 

Nothing worked!

 

And religion - ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I was so pissed at the big G word.  No way was I ever going to go towards a set of beliefs in mythological figures containing sacrificial lambs etc.

 

Besides - all of those people were stupid and weak and I was strong and courageous and, most important, I was smart (LOL)

 

Well, given these aforementioned cornucopia of beliefs, you can be well assured that I was a candidate for addictions.  Work addiction, sex addiction, food addiction, relationship addiction and alchol addicitons and then, eventually, came the biggie, the BENZOS (but I’m jumping ahead of myself)

 

Anything to numb out the fear

 

By the time I was 40 years old I had been on dozens and dozens and dozens of psychotropics prescribed by well meaning doctors and counseled by very well meaning therapists who all came to the agreement that i had a definitive chemical imbalance (and they were right - I did).  I was nuts.

 

I feared my own shadow pretty much.

 

So then, by the time I turned 40, and had my last really really really big meltdown, the decision was made to start Klonopin to keep me from being locked away in another psych ward.

 

4 milligrams of Klopopin daily!!!!!!!!! (Thats a lot)

 

And it worked.  The klonopin kept me out of the psych ward.  But, after a few months, it started to make me crazier than I had ever been in my entire life, and after two years, I was in the worse shape of my entire life.

 

So, on my 42nd birthday, I began to taper.  I tapered for 9 months and spent the next year of my life catatonic on the couch wanting to die in withdrawals horrible that made me totally hopeless.

 

Yes, folks, I had it bad!!!!!!!!  Mine was real real real dark!!!!!!!!

 

Ok, fast forward, that was 11 years ago.  Its all a history now.  I have never taken another benzo since and I have been off all psych meds for many many years now and I even quit smoking.

 

But just getting off the pills and booze did not take away the anxiety.  I had to  address the root of my fear.  I could go on and on and on, and I might some day, but in a nutshell, I had to find a higher power (if i use the word god the moderators will take this down so I will abbreviate and just say (G..) instead

 

Finding a higher power was the hardest because it required that I pray, and it required that I forgive the christians who i blamed for the aids pandemic.  It required that I forgive the christians who told us gay people that we were sinners and were goin to go to hell and we were not worthy of gods love etc.

 

It means that I stop being suspicious and believe the universe is friendly and not hostile.

 

It meant I had to learn how to love myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Perhaps that was the whole purpose for the entire story, to learn how to love and forgive.

 

Anyway, I am a 53 year old man now and that entire story of drug and alcohol abuse and benzo withdrawal and victim is becoming a closed chapter.    I am learning how to let others love me and I am learning how to love others.  I still have bad days where the old junk returns, but instead of seeing those days as problematic, I use them, instead, to garnish more faith.

 

I never knew true  joy as a child.  I know it now.

 

I surrendered my entire career goals and unimportant things like money and security for a life of service and devotion. And, as soon as I made that commitment, the benzo withrawl story came to an end along with all of the other stories like child abuse victim and the addicitons etc.

 

I’m not saying the pain went away folks.  But, perhaps, pain is just a part of life.  But what I am. Saying is that the stores that I had attached to the pain are no longer true.  I started unbelieving my own stories and the entity attachments started to let go.  guilt and the shame are not big problems that i need to run away from anymore.  I dont’ need tranquilizers!.

 

after all of that junk was out of my system, i had to start feeling all of my feelings.  The pain and the hurt and hte anger and the confusion etc.  All those feelings had to be felt.

 

Thats where the higher power comes in.

 

If there were a secular solution to any of the problems  I would have found them a long time ago.  I finally had to throw in the towel and turn my entire life over to (G..) to finally end the nonsense of addictions and pills.

 

If you read this and want to know how I healed from the benzos, there is my short answer.  The big G word.

 

And the Work of Byron Katie

And the Course of Miracles

And the Bible

And the upanishands

And Buddhism

And the  Bhagavadgītā

And the 12 steps of AA

And therapy and Jesus and Ayahusaca and MDMA therapy and unity along with science of mind and Christian Science and and and and and and and and.....................

 

Listen folks, if it comes from Love, I use it!!!!!!!

 

I’m a very bright buy, and well educated also (BS Finance MS architecture) and I have credentials and accomplishments and I am also a talented artist.

 

All of that was a cake walk.  Faith in (G..) and forgiveness was my hardest accomplishments by far.  But, when faith returned, anxiety disappeared and my body responded and the benzo withdrawal story came to an end and my brain chemistry healed and the word “damaged” and “protracted withdrawl” left my vocabulary.

 

MIRACLE in a nutshell.

 

Life is not about accomplishments.  Its about service.  Service to (G..) I had to learn that lesson the hard way, and if it took a major klonopin withdrawal so be it.

 

As soon as I said “thank you Klonopin” the withdrawls left and a new life began.

 

I know, I know, that sounds pretty harsh.  I had to choke down those words many many many times.  Faith can be a bitch!!!!!!

 

I dont want to get all wo wo on this FB page, but ive got proof now.  Angels are real.  They have saved my ass more than once.  They say seing is believing and thats bullshit.  Believe in is seing. 

 

How else could a hopeless drunk alcoholics drug hopeless case like me recover from 4 mg of klonopin to live a happy life?  It took a miracle!!!!!!!

 

Anyway, I don’t know if this is a secular facebook page.  If it is, then I have violated the rules and the moderators might take my story down (I hope not)

 

And if you want to know the truth.  I don’t believe in ANYTHING!.  Yes, there it is.  I don’t believe anything anymore.  (G..) is NOTHING!  (G..) IS NO - THING!!!!!!!!

 

Ive got nothing against the new age community.  IN fact, there are countless modalities from the new age that I use every day.  But, in and of itself, the new age was not enough.  Faith in a Higher power had to come first - bottom line!

 

And as far as the gay thing, (G..) does not know male or female or gay or straight so that whole story came to an end as well.

 

I am nothing and I am nobody.................

No - THING

NO - BODY

 

Have I gone too far?????

 

Perhaps not.............

 

Not the hell fire brimstone (G..) that sends gay people to hell.  The kind of (G..) that is nondual and beyond all concepts and beyond all words etc.  the kind of (g..) that is outside of time and space. 

 

There is lots more to the story of course, but this is pretty much the gist.  Maybe some day I will write more, who knows????

 

Since my life is based on service, I am available for anyone who reaches out.  I am not a counselor or a MD, but I am someone who has been through the hell of benzo withdrawal and completely recovered so at least my story can help shed light into the darkness for others.

 

I live in a spirtual community.  We study the Course in Miracles if you want specifics.  Were not religious but were not secular either.  WE take full responsiblity for our own minds.

 

So, was any of this helpfu for a benzo success story?

 

Keep going folks.  I know its pretty awful, but I made it through the dark night of the soul.  YOu will also.

 

I didn’t share this to be complimented.  For Pete’s sake, don’t look up to me.  Remember, I’m nobody! (LoL). I’m only sharing this because people in this FB page want hope.  This is what I have to offer.  And I hope it helps.

 

If I can do it you can do it.

 

Much Love everyone

 

Edit: Removed personal information

Congratulations, it sounds like you’ve overcome a lot. I relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I’m now 38 months off and definitely improving but still not my old self. I hope one day I can be completely healed too.

Congrats!  How long did your withdrawal last?  Are you a protracted case?

Excellent job of providing hope with this post! I can relate to so much of what was written. I was prescribed a similar amount of clonazapam (3mg daily for years), and I am just now in 10 months post taper. I sincerely hope to reach the level of healing described here. I understand what was said here about mindset switching to G consciousness and spriritual service. It’s not something that is easily explained but very well articulated here. “If it comes from love use it” is excellent advice! Many different sources for that as stated and I am welcoming them all also. 

 

Best success story ever! Thank you so much for this, all the things you have written are giving me hope which is beyond words valuable to me at this time.

Thank you for your story and hello to another PNWer! I really relate to a lot of your story, especially the anxiety around sexuality. I am trying to find a spiritual path of my own as I taper off so your story is especially inspring.

Thanks so much for sharing your story! Wishing you much continued joy!

Hi everyone, I dont’ return very often but i do like to give back to this comunity with my success story.  Ive been off my  klonopin for 12 years, i was on 4mg, i did a 9 month dry cut taper, but, it took me several more years to get off the rest of my psych meds, but, ive been free off all pharmaceuticals for 5 years now, and I’m writing a book to inspire and help others.  If anyone out there has any technical information about how I can write this book or who wants to help I’m a very good writer but i don’t know about things like publishing.  So far it probably needs to be online because ive been putting hyperlinks inside of the book to point my reader towards resources.  My boo is 100% spritual so its very unique in that my tools are confined to the spritual aspects only.  Any suggestions i would love to hear from you guys. 

I like to contribute “experience, strength and hope” for others who are coming off of psychiatric pharmaceuticals including benzodiazepines.  Because, many years ago, I went through and very painful and difficult withdrawal.  For most of my adult life, I was in psychiatry,  fully loaded with countless pharmaceuticals, too numerous  to mention, including benzodiazepines (K,X,V and T)  On the others side of that Ordeal, I learned what matters in life.  Because I am what this community calls “completely healed” I return as often as possible to extend service and perform outreach.  In my story, the withdrawals turned out to be a cocoon and a transition between the old caterpillar and the new butterfly.  Instead of seeking  ways to heal my wounded caterpillar, instead, I discovered tools and resources to bring forward the butterfly.  Thats what came out of my “pharmaceutical” story.  And, in order to dry my wings in the sun, i must return to this community and share with others this valuable message.  Perhaps my caterpillar was damaged by all of those pills, but, since I was never  a caterpillar to begin with,  it really doesn’t matter anymore, so I don’t really spend much time on that story except to qualify myself.  I have videos about my recovery on my youtube channel and I will post the link below.  Much love and god bless

Edit: Removed self-promoting link.

I loved what you said about "I was never  a caterpillar to begin with" because my pre-benzos life was more a construction created by very abusive parents who created a huge net of lies on which I grew. My first time benzo(and polydrugged)-stage free years plus current second time benzo withdrawal stage are the cocoon where I'm learning and developing a full new range of skills, knowledge, resources and more important, insight and beliefs about who I really am and how to really fullfill my potential.

Yes.  To focus on the symptom perpetuates the symptoms.  Yes.  They are a struggle and not to minimize.  The tipping point in my recovery was grasping the mind body connection and prayer.  Not religious desperation.  But humble prayer.  And focus on recovery.  I want people to understand that they are in charge of their healing, and the symptoms are not.  What you tell yourself , your body believes. 

Amazing story after such long term use. Were you also exposed to SSRI"s and Antipsychotics?.