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NINE Years Out (warning: contents may be triggering for sensitive members)


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I thought I'd check in. I made a quick visit through here a couple years ago and didn't come back - too much PTSD. But it's been 9 years since my last dose of .25mg klonopin and think that's a pretty significant time off.

 

Look for my blog, "Is That a Light at the End of the Tunnel or a Fast-Moving Train" if you want to day-by-day blows of my Year in Hell as I fondly call 2009. In a nutshell: 1mg klonopin for 23 months for GAD. Sheister m-f'er pill pushing shrink told me reducing 25% every week for a month is "slow enough." I took 6 weeks. It was rough, to say the least. Then, 2 months after my last dose (which was Jan 5, 2009), I got hit by a freight train of withdrawals: 27 symptoms 24/7 for 6 months; then 21 symptoms; then 12, then 6.

 

9 years later:

- major cog fog. I had one window in 2009. I've never felt completely woken up, 100% alert, 100% clear. I've gotten a lot worse in the last couple years so I'm thinking I might be developing dementia, which is a common result of long-term benzo use in the elderly (even though 23 months isn't really long-term and when I went off it I was 48). But my withdrawal aged me a lot, so this development doesn't surprise me.

-Burning Mouth Syndrome. I've gotten used to feeling like the tip of my tongue and front teeth are burning. Usually it's mild but there are times -for no known reason - that it feels like I've got razor blades between all my teeth. That's how it was, full time, in the beginning; so I'm grateful it's not as bad anymore. Dental procedures, even cleanings, are painful, but my dentist understands this and his techs are angels.

-Tinnitus. Screaming, always, 24/7, no relief. NSAIDs and Opiods sends it to the stratosphere -to the point where it hurts and I'm so anxious as a result I feel like ripping my ears off - so I avoid them as much as I can. I have to listen to white noise and/or crickets at night, sometimes ambient and in earbuds at the same time. It keeps me up and wakes me up and makes me cry sometimes, but I can't let it get to me. Because there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it, and if I give in, then what?

-Chronic migraines. Never had headaches before bz's. Now I get a migraine a couple times a month. They've rarely laid me out flat. I just keep on doing whatever, just with a numb jaw, pressure and fancy colors coating everything.  :D

-PTSD. My Year in Hell was horrific. Not a day goes by that something doesn't trigger a memory or sensation of the worst experience I never knew I could survive. Sometimes I even get return symptoms, like d/r and crawly sensations on my skin. Those really freak me out, but they go away - thankfully!

 

 

 

I stopped hoping I'd wake up some day, 100% healed, years ago. Some call me fatalistic. Well, that doesn't mean I've been wrything on the floor in agony all these years; far from it. I've done just the opposite. I learned, a long, long time ago, to accept and accommodate. To put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. People who meet me have no idea what I've been through or that I'm talking to them with a mouth on fire, screaming in my ears and an inability to follow complex thoughts. People think I'm ditzy and probably that I eat like a pig (food falls out of my mouth sometimes cos I can't tear food very well), but I'm no longer Post Withdrawal Girl, which is the banner I waved for the first several years out. 

 

So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

 

My advice? Accept and accommodate. Do what you can, when you can. Don't let it take any more from you than it already has.

 

You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left. And baby, I'm one strong bitch!

 

Praying you all find your windows and 100%.

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i hope you've had your thyroid checked - meaning TSH, free T3 and free T4?  i wouldn't expect the symptoms you still have and at your age - which is still quite young - i'd be exploring explanations other than benzo damage. 
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So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

 

My advice? Accept and accommodate. Do what you can, when you can. Don't let it take any more from you than it already has.

 

[/i] And baby, I'm one strong bitch!

Praying you all find your windows and 100%.

 

Hi Ginger, I plead guitly ...2 or 3 years ago I was clueless and judged folks like you ....like what kind of success story is this ?  :(

 

Now I'm a lot wiser , know how serious this damn poison can be ...

I've been through your posts.....I take my hat off to you , you sure have been a trooper , my respect and admiration.

 

When I saw you were working , still married with grandkids,  doing work outs 5 times a week ...I thought if thats not a maga success story what is ?

 

Big Congratulation ...wish you well and take care.  :smitten:

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i hope you've had your thyroid checked - meaning TSH, free T3 and free T4?  i wouldn't expect the symptoms you still have and at your age - which is still quite young - i'd be exploring explanations other than benzo damage.

 

Hon I've had everything checked. It's all benzo-related. No worries! Life is good.

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This is a success story?

 

From 27 symptoms 24/7 to 5,  I live a 100% normal life (normal sleep for me is accumulating 6 hours over 9 hours in bed cos of the tinnitus); that I didn't kill myself or my spouse; live a full life and have successfully battled all the demons pre-benzo and post is most definitely a success.

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Thank you!!

 

 

So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

 

My advice? Accept and accommodate. Do what you can, when you can. Don't let it take any more from you than it already has.

 

[/i] And baby, I'm one strong bitch!

Praying you all find your windows and 100%.

 

Hi Ginger, I plead guitly ...2 or 3 years ago I was clueless and judged folks like you ....like what kind of success story is this ?  :(

 

Now I'm a lot wiser , know how serious this damn poison can be ...

I've been through your posts.....I take my hat off to you , you sure have been a trooper , my respect and admiration.

 

When I saw you were working , still married with grandkids,  doing work outs 5 times a week ...I thought if thats not a maga success story what is ?

 

Big Congratulation ...wish you well and take care.  :smitten:

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Hi Ginger, I plead guitly ...2 or 3 years ago I was clueless and judged folks like you ....like what kind of success story is this ?  :(

 

Now I'm a lot wiser

 

It’s interesting that you consider having PTSD, chronic migraines, tinnitus, major cog-fog, and suspected benzo-induced dementia to be a “success”.  After 9 years of abstinence from benzos, mind you.  Guess we don’t define the word “success” the same way.

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This is what I noticed most: So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

 

I would love to work out five days a week. Still having flare-ups when I work out. Being that I was only on these pills for 11 months before tapering, and tapered for 8 months (did a c/t, however and kindled off another drug), at almost 46 months out, I realize how difficult this is. You have kept with it and have been working, something I could not do.

 

I am so, so happy for you!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! Thanks so much for coming back and telling us your success story!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

Still having problems with coffee, but I wish so much to have a normal life again, able to do things without a second thought.

 

 

 

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Congratulations on 9 years.  It’s been a long haul for you I’m sure but you’ve made it to a point where you are happy and living life on your terms and that is a success.

 

You had tinnitus prior to benzo use? (I thought I read that in one of your early  posts).  Did it get worse as time went on?  It’s one of my worst symptoms and I never had it until taper.

 

I hope your healing keeps on happening.

 

McS

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Hi Ginger, I plead guitly ...2 or 3 years ago I was clueless and judged folks like you ....like what kind of success story is this ?  :(

 

Now I'm a lot wiser

 

It’s interesting that you consider having PTSD, chronic migraines, tinnitus, major cog-fog, and suspected benzo-induced dementia to be a “success”.  After 9 years of abstinence from benzos, mind you.  Guess we don’t define the word “success” the same way.

 

I understand exactly what you mean....just surprised that you don't get what I meant.

 

This whole Benzo issue is so bizzare and complicated.....there is no '' logic'' to it....

mark my word.

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I'm sorry but this isn't success in my eyes. You're still dealing with a lot of issues even though you claim to live a fulfilled life. This story is going to trigger a lot of anxiety for the people battling with these issues right now. 
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Ginger, Thank you so much for checking in. I can identify with your story. Although not what some would call 100% healed or a "success story" , you got your LIFE Back! It is one of the best success stories and survivor story I have read.

 

Congratulations. You are one brave strong woman!

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mb2015 and rickatu, 

 

Ginger speaks her truth. Honor and respect that. It is her story to tell as she wishes.

 

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :smitten:

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mb2015 and rickatu, 

 

Ginger speaks her truth. Honor and respect that. It is her story to tell as she wishes.

 

I agree that is is her story to tell and that we ought to respect it - which I do. (pity we have to write that sorta thing out, to bat away the silliness of 'misunderstanding' - but there's 2018 for ya).

 

However, trying to pretend that this is a Success Story in the accepted, common understanding/sense of what a Success Story is and ought to be, is merely bending the definition of "success" to suit an individual interpretation - which devalues the concept of success, for all, to say the very least.

 

As others have said, this very broad (and to my mind, unacceptable) interpretation will cause a lot of angst to those in early withdrawal, whose hope for success is clear-cut: consistent freedom from symptoms and a return of all of their own, familiar faculties.

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mb2015 and rickatu, 

 

Ginger speaks her truth. Honor and respect that. It is her story to tell as she wishes.

 

I agree that is is her story to tell and that we ought to respect it - which I do. (pity we have to write that sorta thing out, to bat away the silliness of 'misunderstanding' - but there's 2018 for ya).

 

However, trying to pretend that this is a Success Story in the accepted, common understanding/sense of what a Success Story is and ought to be, is merely bending the definition of "success" to suit an individual interpretation - which devalues the concept of success, for all, to say the very least.

 

As others have said, this very broad (and to my mind, unacceptable) interpretation will cause a lot of angst to those in early withdrawal, whose hope for success is clear-cut: consistent freedom from symptoms and a return of all of their own, familiar faculties.

 

I have to agree with this. Success, like other terms, has come to mean something very specific to this community. If I were to redefine another term, say kindling, because I felt it matched my truth more accurately than the accepted definition, it would cause a lot of confusion and potential anxiety for members.

 

Getting your life back is huge, and this doesn't take anything away from that accomplishment. But it's not a success story. It's a celebration. And that's still something.

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I think this is DEFINITELY a Success story. Congratulations ginger. Success story means different to all of us. To me, as long as we are happy and enjoy and live a fulfilling life that is success story. Its okay if we still deal with some issues but who isn't, life we have to deal with all issues. It would be so awesome if we 100 percent heal and free of symptoms but I strongly believe even after 9 years, some are still healing. I am almost 19 months out and I feel GREAT, I am more confident, more calm, happier and excited for the opportunity in my life. I think I have really gone better after the 16 months, and continue to be better and recently feeling a more improvement. I still have a few symptoms but they are mild and I am still sensitive with stress and things in life but I am careful and take care of myself and appreciate little things. To me, success doesn't have to be perfect or 100 percent because life is never perfect!

 

Tracy

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I also think that what is important is how  ginger define her story as success or not. We need to respect and appreciate that she comes back to give hope to people who are struggling.  It's understandable that people in early withdrawal can get misunderstood or triggered but we all need to be responsible for our emotions and we can't control how others feel we can only give support. If people who easily get triggered need to take care of themselves by not reading anything that they feel is triggering them.

 

Tracy

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Congratulations Ginger on your progress,

 

For us in the middle of the storm it does take away hope for a full recovery, it could be because you focused on the symptoms you have and not the progress you made. Perhaps a re-wording of the post would be a good idea?

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I have to agree with Nightwatch once again!! Lol

I think that everybody has their own way of looking at success. 

Of course it’s wonderful Ginger is living her life , happy again,can work out plus hold a job down !!

Those  things are huge and a very huge success to her no doubt !!

But people in the thick of it or early on in their journey, will be pretty freaked out to read this.

I know that when I came to the success boards early on in my withdrawal, and lol that was all day a lot of the time, reading and rereading for Hope.

I couldn’t venture onto ANY of the other boards.

It was to triggering for me and I just couldn’t handle it so I didn’t do it. It would've caused me a whole lot of anxiety that I didn’t need added on top of my hell.

So therefore my safe place was the success story board. And it was my safe place!!

I feel for the ones that this story scared the crap out of. And want them to remember that EVERYONE is different. Gingers story is just that....,  her story!!

It’s also not likely anyone will end up at 9 years still on this site.

Yeah there’s a few but normally people move on once they’re well. So remind yourself that your journey will be nothing like gingers!!

I’m very happy that ginger in living life and happy.

And you all will be as well.

Let your journey and your story unfold the way it supposed too.

We ALL HEAL and are better then even.

Pacodoo ❤️❤️

 

 

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