Author Topic: NINE Years Out (warning: contents may be triggering for sensitive members)  (Read 8033 times)

[Buddie]

I thought I'd check in. I made a quick visit through here a couple years ago and didn't come back - too much PTSD. But it's been 9 years since my last dose of .25mg klonopin and think that's a pretty significant time off.

Look for my blog, "Is That a Light at the End of the Tunnel or a Fast-Moving Train" if you want to day-by-day blows of my Year in Hell as I fondly call 2009. In a nutshell: 1mg klonopin for 23 months for GAD. Sheister m-f'er pill pushing shrink told me reducing 25% every week for a month is "slow enough." I took 6 weeks. It was rough, to say the least. Then, 2 months after my last dose (which was Jan 5, 2009), I got hit by a freight train of withdrawals: 27 symptoms 24/7 for 6 months; then 21 symptoms; then 12, then 6.

9 years later:
- major cog fog. I had one window in 2009. I've never felt completely woken up, 100% alert, 100% clear. I've gotten a lot worse in the last couple years so I'm thinking I might be developing dementia, which is a common result of long-term benzo use in the elderly (even though 23 months isn't really long-term and when I went off it I was 48). But my withdrawal aged me a lot, so this development doesn't surprise me.
-Burning Mouth Syndrome. I've gotten used to feeling like the tip of my tongue and front teeth are burning. Usually it's mild but there are times -for no known reason - that it feels like I've got razor blades between all my teeth. That's how it was, full time, in the beginning; so I'm grateful it's not as bad anymore. Dental procedures, even cleanings, are painful, but my dentist understands this and his techs are angels.
-Tinnitus. Screaming, always, 24/7, no relief. NSAIDs and Opiods sends it to the stratosphere -to the point where it hurts and I'm so anxious as a result I feel like ripping my ears off - so I avoid them as much as I can. I have to listen to white noise and/or crickets at night, sometimes ambient and in earbuds at the same time. It keeps me up and wakes me up and makes me cry sometimes, but I can't let it get to me. Because there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it, and if I give in, then what?
-Chronic migraines. Never had headaches before bz's. Now I get a migraine a couple times a month. They've rarely laid me out flat. I just keep on doing whatever, just with a numb jaw, pressure and fancy colors coating everything.  :D
-PTSD. My Year in Hell was horrific. Not a day goes by that something doesn't trigger a memory or sensation of the worst experience I never knew I could survive. Sometimes I even get return symptoms, like d/r and crawly sensations on my skin. Those really freak me out, but they go away - thankfully!



I stopped hoping I'd wake up some day, 100% healed, years ago. Some call me fatalistic. Well, that doesn't mean I've been wrything on the floor in agony all these years; far from it. I've done just the opposite. I learned, a long, long time ago, to accept and accommodate. To put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. People who meet me have no idea what I've been through or that I'm talking to them with a mouth on fire, screaming in my ears and an inability to follow complex thoughts. People think I'm ditzy and probably that I eat like a pig (food falls out of my mouth sometimes cos I can't tear food very well), but I'm no longer Post Withdrawal Girl, which is the banner I waved for the first several years out. 

So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

My advice? Accept and accommodate. Do what you can, when you can. Don't let it take any more from you than it already has.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left. And baby, I'm one strong bitch!

Praying you all find your windows and 100%.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 01:35:32 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2018, 06:21:57 pm »
This is a success story?
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2018, 07:56:44 pm »
i hope you've had your thyroid checked - meaning TSH, free T3 and free T4?  i wouldn't expect the symptoms you still have and at your age - which is still quite young - i'd be exploring explanations other than benzo damage. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2018, 08:03:49 pm »
“Life is good!”

I’d take that.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2018, 08:13:02 pm »
congrats on being happy !!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2018, 08:29:57 pm »

So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

My advice? Accept and accommodate. Do what you can, when you can. Don't let it take any more from you than it already has.

[/i] And baby, I'm one strong bitch!

Praying you all find your windows and 100%.

Hi Ginger, I plead guitly ...2 or 3 years ago I was clueless and judged folks like you ....like what kind of success story is this ?  :(

Now I'm a lot wiser , know how serious this damn poison can be ...
I've been through your posts.....I take my hat off to you , you sure have been a trooper , my respect and admiration.

When I saw you were working , still married with grandkids,  doing work outs 5 times a week ...I thought if thats not a maga success story what is ?

Big Congratulation ...wish you well and take care.  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2018, 08:42:22 pm »
This is a success story?

At least it is the first success story that scared me.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2018, 09:15:24 pm »
i hope you've had your thyroid checked - meaning TSH, free T3 and free T4?  i wouldn't expect the symptoms you still have and at your age - which is still quite young - i'd be exploring explanations other than benzo damage.

Hon I've had everything checked. It's all benzo-related. No worries! Life is good.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2018, 09:18:40 pm »
This is a success story?

From 27 symptoms 24/7 to 5,  I live a 100% normal life (normal sleep for me is accumulating 6 hours over 9 hours in bed cos of the tinnitus); that I didn't kill myself or my spouse; live a full life and have successfully battled all the demons pre-benzo and post is most definitely a success.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: NINE Years Out
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2018, 09:19:33 pm »
Thank you!!


So I'm doing pretty good. There are millions of people on the planet who have it so much worse, for so many reasons. I have a cold compared to most of them. I'm still married, I have grandkids now, I'm working, I have friends. I work out 5 days a week. I'm active. Life is good!

My advice? Accept and accommodate. Do what you can, when you can. Don't let it take any more from you than it already has.

[/i] And baby, I'm one strong bitch!

Praying you all find your windows and 100%.

Hi Ginger, I plead guitly ...2 or 3 years ago I was clueless and judged folks like you ....like what kind of success story is this ?  :(

Now I'm a lot wiser , know how serious this damn poison can be ...
I've been through your posts.....I take my hat off to you , you sure have been a trooper , my respect and admiration.

When I saw you were working , still married with grandkids,  doing work outs 5 times a week ...I thought if thats not a maga success story what is ?

Big Congratulation ...wish you well and take care.  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.