16 months So far Sleep, OCD, and akathisia

What a trip all of this has been. I am beyond done with all of this except I have been done since the day I cold turkeyed and am still suffering. It has been 16 months!! And everyday is still quite literally the most difficult day of my life. I am sure many of you would agree. The power of positivity has been my grandest practice along with learning to be gentle with myself. What a beautiful world. It is almost as if when the good days come there literally cannot be anything better and when they are crappy days it feels like it will never end, but more good comes as time passes.

  Sleep is difficult. I sleep with a hot water bottle, a stuffed animal (my only friend through this), and a fuzzy blanket. I surround myself with pillows and feel as if I sleep like this for that physical touch I need to feel secure. Recently I looked into weighted blankets and wish I could afford one at this time but maybe later.  The sound of silence can be LOUD still and too often then not I wake up kicking and tossing. Sometimes I cannot sleep at all without a guided meditation or somebody talking in the background. When I stress I experience spine stiffness and kicking. Skin crawling and what I perceive as akathisia. I also experience neck pain that is beyond belief.

  I cannot be around people or have them over and if I do I have to prepare myself because for some reason it stresses me out soooo much! Anyone in my bedroom makes me feel threatened and sometimes I still feel like I am being watched.

  Work is sooo hard, communication is so hard, feelings into words is sooo hard and even getting dressed in the am is difficult. It is difficult to snap out of the paranoid train of thoughts that come everyday and I am reliving all my experiences since childhood. It is a blast!! (sarcasm).. This is what I imagine hell to be if there ever was such a place.

  Sometimes I am so much of a perfectionist it literally drives me up walls. I can see one hair or one thing out of place and it could literally destroy my day. I wanted to shave my dog because of this good thing I did not. My brain never stops and I need to research and learn everything. I am on high alert at all times and often become delusional. I still cannot take walks and when I go to the store it is so bright and I cannot focus. Driving is difficult so I bought a stick shift so my chances of dissociating lessen. I cannot relate to people whatsoever and cannot get the hang of jokes.

  The colors and the patterns are insane and the lights are so bright. Sounds go right through me and I can spend hours shopping for one thing in the store and even more hours chilling in my car talking to myself as if I am my closest friend.

  I am food sensitive but not like before where a single blueberry could throw off my day. I can almost eat anything now. I set my mood with routine, aromatherapy, intention, meditation and exercise. Hot showers and tea help me get into sleep. My heart walls and human walls are up hard and I am so working hard on breaking that.

Finally I stopped asking myself what is wrong with me, What is right with me is the question and when I focus on the positive my reality shifts and beauty sprouts into rays of sunshine.

  I often wonder if some of these symptoms are actually me just a bit exaggerated for now?

But it's all good like keep moving.

Hi P, sounds all pretty '' normal '' wd to me. Been there. my mental sxs were gone

by 24 months off. Timing can be different for all of us....

I would eat healthy, keep drinking a lot of water and very important ...is excercise....

I missed out on that one, now paying a high price to get back to normal.

Wish you well....I'm sure you will be ok .

Thought I was the only one who surrounds myself with pillows in bed - currently sleeping with five on the go! I also had rapid taper from 4mg Klonopin and at 16 months off. Tinnitus is a killer for me and inner vibration.

Keep going onwards. Learning to love ourselves through this.