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Cant do this anymore


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I am having massive constant anxiety, fear, panic, heart pounding/Palps/chest pain tightness 24/7 for 2 months. Short of breath. Can't leave the house, see or talk to anyone. Last 3 years have been horrendous enough except for small summer window but cross to valium caused gradual worse severe depression. Doc would not switch me back to K.  A few weeks ago my 2 hour sleeps went down to zero for 3 days straight. In desparation went to emerge to check heart, got trazodone 50mg and updosed from 2.5 to 3mg V. Didn't help much after 4 days and felt even worse so tried Mirtazapine  7.5 then 15 and only helps sleep a little adding bad dreams of anxiety on top.  I 've been working so hard on this taper but feel like giving up because all I can do is writhe in bed every day in pure agony.  I get no relief from valium doses.  Have nowhere to turn. I can't continue this ,don't want in the psyche ward, just want relief from anxiety.  I can tolerate all the other many horrible symptoms, even severe depression but this is unbearable. The unthinkable is looking good. How can I possibly get some relief. If I had ativan I would take it now.  That's how bad this had gotten. Feel like my only choice is to add another benzo,get off V and restart but doc is unlikely to help in this way. I think my P450 enzyme CYP2C19 has also messed thinks up with the K and V but docs are not well educated on this even though they ordered the gene test. If any with similar experience please talk to me. I am wearing my wife to a frazzle.  Is mirtazapine making this worse? I don't know! How can I heal if I can't eat or sleep? Please help!

 

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I don't have any answers but just letting you know that I hear you and feel you and am sending you love. Hang on, we need you here on this earth.
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drummer boy -- You are close to being off of the Valium.  Three mgs is not a big dose. A lot of people do not feel well as they get close to being off.  There just is not enough benzo there to sedate you...assuming it works.

 

I don't think adding another benzo or updosing will help.  This is just my feeling.  How much longer will the taper take??

 

You have been up and down with the benzos and don't want to really kindle yourself..trust me..

 

Can you speak with your doctor about the remeron not helping?  I know some people have found relief for anxiety with Gabapentin but that is a nasty drug to come off of down the road for some....but you need to be able to sleep so you can have a break.  Yes, you are in a tough spot but it is very doable because you are close to getting off the benzo.

 

My heart goes out to you.....be strong...yes, you can get through this...many have...

 

:smitten:

Carol

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I'd definitely talk to other valium taper folks http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=96753.0  and there is also a Long Hold support group, too.  You may just be going too fast.  Also - read posts by MTFan -- she has endured the worse insomnia than anyone I've read about.  She is alive to tell the tale and is an inspiration.  You'll sleep eventually, too.  W
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  • 4 weeks later...
Thanks for your replies...Just saw my psyche about the unrelenting extreme anxiety.  She is suggesting gabapentin to my GP.  Was wondering how many BBs are on this for anxiety that it is actually helping.  I know this med is not recommended by most BBs but I am completely non-functional for 3 months now.
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I’ve tried it prn. It worked a few times and then went paradoxical. I don’t recommend using it regularly as you will just have one more drug from which to withdraw.
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I see that you're holding. That's good. You may have made some fast cuts previously that your CNS couldn't handle. You might slow the taper way down from now on. You're not on much, anyway. You could do a micro taper. That's what I would do, anyway. You are doing this taper for your nerves. That's what 's most important.
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Hang in there drummerboy. Sending support and love your way. I feel as you do sometimes. When you go these long periods with no windows, it does make you feel like giving up. The constant 24/7 anxiety drives me almost crazy too. I think to myself each morning, oh boy, another day of this hell.
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I remember when I hit tolerance and my anxiety was through the roof. I complain now but it was so, so bad back then. I still have anxiety but the good news is that it comes and goes now, back then it was just there constantly.

 

Try to go out and clear your mind, if you can't, do something that brings joy into your life. Watch a movie, play a game. Anything to distract you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and pray that it goes away. You will get through it, and remember anxiety can't kill you. Meditate and practice mindfulness. Those helped me a great deal in the beginning. Know that this is just your body trying to heal itself.

 

 

I have Simple Habit and Pacifica on my phone. Those apps have saved me numerous times.

 

People who were in your shoes have healed, you will too.

 

Remember to breathe.

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Hi there - sending positive energy your way.

Just wondering what happens just after you take your daily dose of Valium, do you feel any relief? What time of day do you take it?

 

I had a terrible crash at 8 mg of Valium..but held the dose for a long time. I want to say 4-5 mos or so, until I continued slowly tapering. I am stuck at 5 mg of Valium now. My panic is situational right now. I have terrible agoraphobia, but so far I am still working, but can't leave the building where I work.

I also cannot handle going out and dislike answering the door. Panic attacks happen daily for me, but they are situational and don't last long.

 

I considered taking Gabapentin for sleep, but then thought I don't want to deal with the stress of withdrawing from that too and then if I am getting worse or better, never knowing what is drug is going what.

 

I agree with the other posters, if you can try to distract yourself as much as possible with something you enjoy if you can. Even if its just TV.

That is what got me out of my crash phase.

 

I am not familiar with Mirtazapine. Did you find that things got progressively worse after taking this drug?

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do something that brings joy into your life. Watch a movie, play a game. Anything to distract you.  Meditate and practice mindfulness.

 

Thanks rick but This is exactly the problem:  I cannot do any of these things that I used to enjoy.  if I try I just get more irritable and anxiety gets out of control.  I'm pretty sure the Valium and not just withdrawal plays a big part, but coming off it has just been a nightmare.  Totally disabling non-functional anxiety and depression which I never had before benzos.

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....

Just wondering what happens just after you take your daily dose of Valium, do you feel any relief? What time of day do you take it?

 

I had a terrible crash at 8 mg of Valium..but held the dose for a long time. I want to say 4-5 mos or so, until I continued slowly tapering. I am stuck at 5 mg of Valium now. My panic is situational right now. I have terrible agoraphobia, but so far I am still working, but can't leave the building where I work.

I also cannot handle going out and dislike answering the door. Panic attacks happen daily for me, but they are situational and don't last long.

 

I considered taking Gabapentin for sleep, but then thought I don't want to deal with the stress of withdrawing from that too and then if I am getting worse or better, never knowing what is drug is going what.

 

I agree with the other posters, if you can try to distract yourself as much as possible with something you enjoy if you can. Even if its just TV.

That is what got me out of my crash phase.

 

I am not familiar with Mirtazapine. Did you find that things got progressively worse after taking this drug?

 

Optimist

Mirtazapine is an AD that many BBs have used for sleep at low doses like 7.5mg which is more sedating.  At higher doses it is said to be more activating, 15-45mg. I tried it a few years ago for 22 weeks as an AD but it either did nothing or worsened my symptoms.  Now I only use it for sleep if I wake up agitated after only an hour or 2 of sleep. 

 

As for distraction, I can't do any of it without increasing anxiety even more.  A working distraction would be Heaven.  I keep trying youtube videos for meditation, sound effects, audiobooks and other ways to relax as this helped in the past but not now.

 

I have tried different dosing with the Valium-once/day...twice/day.  Mine is actually Diazepam in Canada.  I have settled on 2mg in the morning and 3 in the evening.  I haven't been able to take it at exactly the same time every day.  If anxiety feels like it's going out of control early sometimes I take a mg or 2 at around 5pm instead of waiting till 8pm.  I realize this is probably not helping but I figure with the long halflife should it really matter?  I don't think I can hold this dose for months if I find no stabilization.  What would be the point?

 

The Valium really has no positive effect on me after I take it.  Sometimes I think I even feel a little worse.  Sometimes it seems to just take the edge off.  Now, if I don't take it in the morning, anxiety ramps up to unbearable levels within hours so for me the "duration of action" does not seem to correlate with the halflife.

 

I also have all of your issues but acute panic attacks have changed to slightly downgraded constant panic which to me is worse.  I rarely leave the house for more than a few minutes.  I haven't been able to work for 3 years.  I tried working for a week during what I thought was a window in the summer.  My heart started pounding, stopped sleeping and that sent me back to square 1 and a useless ER visit.

 

I envy you so much that you are able to work. How do you manage to go to and from work and not be able to leave work?? BTW Are you on real Valium or generic?

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  • 1 month later...
Wow Drummerboy, I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I can tell you that when I hit 3mg I started to feel a bit better, but still struggling. Sending you lots of love.
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Can you get out of the house to walk outside for thirty minutes....it helps with the anxiety.  Also, can you drive?  If so, can you go to a grocery store every day for a grocery?  I know it sounds stupid and it is a make up trip in a way, but the purpose is simply to give you a destination and a purpose and to practice being out of the house.  I make up errands to run all day long just to keep myself out of the house and out in the world.  I can relate to the wanting to be able to work.  I have not really worked in two years and although I do a few little professional things here and there, every time I have taken steps to return to work, I become extremely agitated. And I have to back away.

 

We are in this to survive until we recover.  That's it.

 

Carol :smitten:

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Can you get out of the house to walk outside for thirty minutes....it helps with the anxiety.  Also, can you drive?  If so, can you go to a grocery store every day for a grocery?  I know it sounds stupid and it is a make up trip in a way, but the purpose is simply to give you a destination and a purpose and to practice being out of the house.  I make up errands to run all day long just to keep myself out of the house and out in the world.  I can relate to the wanting to be able to work.  I have not really worked in two years and although I do a few little professional things here and there, every time I have taken steps to return to work, I become extremely agitated. And I have to back away.

 

We are in this to survive until we recover.  That's it.

 

Carol :smitten:

I've been getting out for a short walk most days but it doesn't help at all mentally. Definitely can't drive safely and no desire. I think trying to work during taper pushed me way way back into Hell.

Thanks for your continual support. Stuck in bed again today. Mostly depression with thoughts

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I am finding taking a seditive anti histerminechelps with sleep. I'm taking Phenergan and Cinnarizine.

 

I don't get on well with gabapentin but I know a lot of people with ither illnesses who are fine on it.

 

We are all so individual it's difficult to tell how you will react.

 

Personally I think it's worth trying gabapentin. If it helps then great. I know some people find it awful to withdraw from but several people I know had no problem coming off of it.

 

I hope you find something that helps you calm down a little.

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You sound so incredibly much like me, Drummer. I've been stuck in a near-constant wave of maddening terror/fear. Just a constant state of fight or flight that I can't get out of. It's way worse in the evenings for me and is often accompanied by bouts of confusion/fog, heavy DP/DR and an extreme OCD-like symptom panel (being overly hyper-focused and over-aware of my breathing and thoughts). It feels like being on a bad acid trip, with a brain that just wants to fight you and fears everything. I'm not fearful of anything outside myself, but I am massively afraid of what's going on in my mind and the psychological symptoms that it produces. I also relate to the air hunger and shortness of breath, as I struggle with this a lot.

 

I wish I had answers, but you aren't alone. This shit lasts so incredibly long, it begins to feel like there is absolutely no way this could possibly be related to withdrawal. Something HAS to be wrong with me. I get those thoughts, too. Especially the ones about being stuck this way and never healing from this.

 

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I also have all of your issues but acute panic attacks have changed to slightly downgraded constant panic which to me is worse.  I rarely leave the house for more than a few minutes.  I haven't been able to work for 3 years.  I tried working for a week during what I thought was a window in the summer.  My heart started pounding, stopped sleeping and that sent me back to square 1 and a useless ER visit.

 

I envy you so much that you are able to work. How do you manage to go to and from work and not be able to leave work?? BTW Are you on real Valium or generic?

 

Not working anymore :( I was getting a ride to work. But I was unable to get up and leave the office. I tried to mail something and was struck with terrible panic and returned. I was safe in the office unless I tried to leave. It

sounds strange I know. I was ok getting a ride with a "safe" person. I can go out with my husband, but not alone. But even then, its like I have a time limit or something. I can't stay out longer than a certain period before I start

to need to come home.

 

I just hit a wall in January and couldn't work anymore - I was panicking every time someone talked to me. When a meeting was called I actually hid! I then got the flu and was so damned tired and anxious.

My husband said I was killing myself. I realized I needed a break to try to come off this stuff. I feel so guilty though - like I should be at work or something.

 

I live in Ontario Canada, I am actually on Diazepam. Just got used to calling it valium.

 

 

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