Ready to break free

Hello all. I am Eric, 35, happily married, w two boys, 2 and 4, and a dog. I have battled with GAD, ADHD and OCD really since 2002 (College years) and have been through the ringer with doctors and medications. My first exposure to benzos was in college, small, infrequent dosing, as situations warrant. Along the way, somewhere around 2006-7, a series of doctors gave up on trying anything for the anxiety, and just hooked my brain and body to 2mg, and then ultimately 4mg of Xanax XR (1mg, 4x daily). For the last 5 years, I have been on 4mg, the prior 5 on ~ 2mg. The Xanax has allowed me to get rid of most of the physical pain my GAD gave to me, but I had no base medication to treat my problems, some intensified or even originated by a family issue with my Father that started in 2002. I am an executive at a large bank, and have not missed any work since I started in 2004/5, but the anxiety I have lived with, and masking it with LT benzos has left me angry, scared, frustrated and I felt as if I wasn't fully "here" or present for my family, work and friends. Sleep disorders, panic attacks all became offshoots from my untreated GAD and benzos and SRIs just a cover up to a problem that needed greater care. After a third mild nervous breakdown last year (5 days of no sleep), I was put in touch with a GP who has refreshed my outlook on life, medication, and given be hope after all of these years of torture. The first step, about a year and half ago would be to introduce Prozac, even if past SRIs when I was young, and SNRIs, in my mind, did not help. My brain was tortured and I had been misdiagnosed so many times, and had so many medications thrown to me, that I really needed to hit the Reset button, strip everything down, and rebuild. The following got me through the most recent dark hopeless period of anxiety and lack of sleep, under my new doctor, and I strongly believe, I will never go to another psychiatrist again, - really a fear and trust issue.

 

New base 1.5 yrs ago, 80mg Prozac in the AM, 4mg of Xanax XR, spaced 4x a day, Amitriptyline at bedtime (can't recall the dose at current), Risperidone , 2mg, 2x a day, w Beta Blockers 1-2x a week for large presentations to control panic. Let's skip to 4 months ago - same doctor, seeing him 1-2x a month, felt that the Prozac base was built up enough to start a benzo taper after 15 yrs in my system, and at least 7 on 2-4mg of Xanax. About August, we dropped the Amitriptyline (thankfully as I lost 5-7 lbs, and am an avid runner and cycler) and dropped the Risperidone from 2mg, slow down to .5mg, 1x daily. We left the Prozac at 80mg in the AM and would taper, 0.5mg a month, over the course of 8 months. You are meeting me in Month 4. Hello! I am almost proud to be tapering off, I think maybe because I see life differently now, and perhaps am so sick of being trapped, and so wanting to be free, mentally, physically and spiritually for my family, and for me. I have been stuck for 15 years, scratching buy, convincing others I was okay, when really, I felt terrible. I owe myself those 15 years back - and now I am going to get them. I am very angry with my doctors (past) and I am also a bit angry with myself, for allowing myself to get stuck in this Benzo trap.  I even recall the one psychiatrist who wouldn't see me when he had seen my benzo history. That was 7 years ago and my first wake up call. The following doctor, who ramped me up to 4mg and really said - this is what it is now, stole years from my life. He threw me into hell and I am trying my best to stay positive to get out. CBT for years, MBSR, therapists trying to blame it on PTSD with my Dad from 2002 (could be) - none of that worked. I was in the benzo trap.

 

So I digress. I am halfway through what is supposed to be an 8-month taper. From 4mg, I am down to 2mg, 4x daily 0.5mg of XR. I know the last 2mg are going to be the hardest part, and perhaps for months after 0. I didn't have too bad a time going from 4 to 3.5, from 3.5 to 3, from 3 to 2.5...... a few bad days here and there. I may have had the itch and rushed 2.5 to 2mg 2 weeks early, confessed to my doc, will never do that again! He said that my body wouldn't react to the reduction for 3-9 days following my decision. So - what do I feel? Horrible. Mentally, clarity is there, memory is taking a toll, but physically the anxiety isn't horrible, but just bad. I am sleeping, which for me, is a miracle  - and I suppose the underlying Prozac floor w small Risperidone is doing its job. I take 10mg of Adderall XR a day at 12pm each day, down from 20mg 2x a day as we have reduced the Xanax. I am not sure if it’s the 2mg hump that is driving the physical lack of calm and intense headaches, or the residual Adderall. The plan is, on Dec 29th, to cut out the 2nd Xanax dose bringing me to 1.5 mg, .5mg 3x a day, and reduce the Adderall to 5mg, and then 0. Keeping in mind, the Adderall is the most new drug to my system, only started it this year, and my doctor felt strongly that a lot of the urge for waking up, was me trying to fight through the down the Xanax was bringing.

 

Keep in mind, I had been exercising 4-5 times a week, riding 100 mile bike races and competing in Triathlons. I wasn't depressed, or laying on the couch. I worked 13 hours a day, 5 days a week and realize now, that perhaps my body and brain are awakening and yearning to live again, without the Xanax depressing it as such. I am looking for support, thoughts, success stories and just new information, after talking to my wife's friend last night who found support among this forum. I am in a 12 round boxing match with Xanax, and I don't think I am going to stop throwing punches. I would however, love to get rid of the raging anxiety throughout by body, and headaches etc, and anything else that comes my way as I reduce further. I dream about the day when I have 0 Benzos in my blood, and just pray to god that when I get there, I can feel normal again, and grab some of these 15 years back. Thank you so much for your support in advance, and for reading this long rambling poorly written "hello"! Wishing you all the best, Eric

 

Welcome to the forum! We're glad  to have you as a new member.

 

You'll find lots of information and support here.  Our members have been through all aspects of withdrawal, and you're likely to find  people who understand what you're going through.

 

For those who are starting a new taper, we suggest reducing no faster than 5-10% every 10-14 days at first, and then adjusting the taper rate to suit your own needs.  One exception: very short-term users of a few weeks or less may be able to taper faster.  Having some withdrawal symptoms is normal, especially near the end of a taper and for a few months after discontinuing the medication.  First/only withdrawals after a slow taper tend to be easier than multiple reinstatements/withdrawals over time, which may make symptoms worse and longer lasting. The most common symptoms are anxiety and insomnia, but there are many others. These are temporary and will go away in time.

 

Here are a few links you may find useful:

 

Withdrawal Support Board

 

The Ashton Manual is an authoritative source on what to expect in withdrawal and recovery.  Dr. Ashton is an expert in the field. Section III explains and describes symptoms, and there is also a section with suggested taper schedules.

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature.  This will allow others to see where you are in the process so they can better support you.

 

Again, welcome!

 

 

I am not sure if anyone read my introduction but I am looking some advice or tips as I have hit a wall with my Xanax withdrawal. From 4mg, I have titrated down 0.5mg each month where I now am on 1mg, 0.5 2x daily of Xanax XR. During the other titrations, the peak symptoms would be 7-10 days and then I would find a stable spot and get ready for the next titration. From 1.5 to 1.0 mg is the first time I have had virtually no relief from the horrible symptoms and I don't know what else I can do - I certainly have no interesting in going back up. I spoke to my doctor and he said we would split my Prozac into two does, 40mg and 40mg (80mg) total daily and add 1mg of Risperidone to the existing 1mg to net 2.0mg 1x daily. I had a few days of physical relief but now my headaches, depression, lack of motivation, lack of energy, feeling panicky, feeling electricity through the body, feeling unsteady with random brain zaps, ringing in ears, blurry or cloudy brain fog and increased surges of adrenaline couple with the inability to decompress or release all of the physical tension has been going on for 3-4 weeks, basically since my move from 1.5mg to 1.0mg. I get relief for 2-3 hours in the AM and usually from 730-8pm through sleep - strangely I am sleeping well and I am not sure if that is because I so physically wrecked by the end of the day or the CBD oil I have been taking has been working? Today is my first day off CBD oil because I was fearful that perhaps it was complicating my ability to stabialize on 1.0mg. I am running out of ideas, less just calling my doctor again, he is a GP as I can never set foot in a psychiatrists office again after I had been poisoned by Xanax XR for 8+ years. I think part of the reason I am feeling so horrible is because this is the lowest dose of benzo I have been on (or equal to) during the last 10 odd years, with just sporadic doctor prescribed use as needed from 2002-2010. It had been about 6 years on 3-4mg of XR daily and my doctor set a foundation of 80mg of Prozac and 2mg of Risperidone down for a year before we even attempted to titrate down in Xanax XR, some 3mg ago, or 7 months ago. So I happy so happy to be here and present and fighting on just 1mg after being on 4mg, but I am starting to run out of hope as these 3-4 weeks have been hell, first physically, and not both mentally and physically. I am going to work 12 hours a day and that has been SO HARD but our boys are 2 and 4 and I just don't know how I can give up on getting better or functioning in daily life. I know many people would have done inpatient what I have done at home and at work, but I really don't have any other choice. I know I am getting close to the light at the end of the tunnel but these insane physical and mental anxiety during the last titration from 1.5 mg to 1.0 has been horrific. Color on the CBD - have been taking 50-100mg a day either through gummies or pure oil for 3 weeks. I think it may be helping with sleep but it has been NO MATCH for the benzo withdrawal and after asking my doctor about it, he said he didn't like the idea as it haded another complication or variable. Is what I am describing normal? Are there any meds / therapies etc that can help during the times it gets so hard? I didn't respond well to years of CBT therapy, music, meditations and now seemingly CBD (maybe too low a dose) could be working against me, or doing very little. Sorry to ramble and go on and on but I know this is the right place to go to get expertise that many doctors just can't have as they haven't gone through what we all have / or are going through. Thanks so much and I hope everyone is staying strong and winning the good fight - anyone who knows benzos knows that we should be proud of ourselves and everyone in this group, no matter if you have reduced 0, .125mg or 10! Best regards and hopefully hear from many of you soon. Thanks for the support, Eric