Anxiety/terror and DP/DR on a whole new level - really scared

I'm no stranger to anxiety, panic attacks or depersonalization/derealization but over the past few weeks things have gotten so intense that I'm convinced that I am losing my mind. I know everyone says that benzos and withdrawal don't make you go crazy but I've been isolated and without my distractions for so long that I feel my sanity slipping away.

 

I have woken up on several occasions these past few weeks in absolute terror. It is much worse than a standard panic attack. The best way I can describe it is that I don't feel like myself. I feel like my brain has been swapped with someone else's and I just start to get manic terror that I'm starting to really lose it. I feel like a complete stranger in my own house and I struggle to remember things that happened like 30 seconds ago. I'm only 31 and it feels like I have dementia. I've had these "episodes" at night too when I'm just trying to watch TV or use the computer. I'm so kindled and stuck at 2.5 mg's of Klonopin in terrible tolerance. I'm trying my best to stay positive but I can't live this way. The constant overwhelming terror and inability to focus on distractions keeps driving me to the ER even though they can't help and I'm terrified of ending up in a psych ward. I've also had fits of what I think is akathesia because I just want to rip my skin off and it's completely unbearable.

 

I can't believe things have gotten this bad and I'm just so scared. I feel like I can't cut, hold or updose and I'm just going to wind up dead. I'm at a total loss. I'm so scared especially because none of the doctors or family or friends in my life understand. There's no way I can microtaper in this condition but my CNS is so unstable that I'm terrified if what a CT or rapid taper might do. This just feels completely hopeless.

I can't give you any advice as to how to fix this, my friend.. I'm about 6 months out from a cold turkey off Klonopin and I could've written what you wrote. I've been going through that for about 2 months now. Keep in mind I am a cold turkey, but it is indeed a withdrawal thing. I CONSTANTLY worry that I am going insane and honestly feel like I can't hold on any longer.. Every single symptom that you mentioned, I have very severely.

 

It's definitely withdrawal. It's actually kind of comforting to read about someone else that is going through this, to this severity..

How long have you been holding at 2.5mg klonopin?  When I reinstated after a failed taper, it took about 6 months to a year to stabilize.  I had varied my dosage a bunch during my taper, both up and down, as well as mixing in valium and xanax.  In hindsight, I think I was partially kindled and part of me felt like I was in withdrawal that was not relieved from reinstating.

I've been holding for a few months but I've made a lot of changes this year including a reinstatement, a failed Valium crossover, a brief updose to 3 mg's and several days where I stupidly took an extra dose of Valium to help sleep or Ativan because I waa at the ER. I didn't know how badly that could kindle me but now I'm so scared about all the damage I've done that has left me bedridden and afraid to do anything. I can't take this.

 

But last year when I was doing a daily liquid microtaper I got down to 1.5 before reinstating and even then it gave me no relief befrore any other updosing or introducing Valium or anything. I don't think I can take this for much longer.

Fuzzy... I'm right there with you but on top of it I have severe neurological sxs too... I also could have written your post word for word....

 

Someone I know ( who wasnt kindled) still had mild to moderate sxs while tapering so he went from cutting at 25percent at the higher dose to 10 percent ( I can't even do 1 percent  :'(. ) and he said it didn't matter ; either way his sxs were exactly the same.....

 

That got me thinking about my own situation which is severe, but I am definitely kindled with so many other bizarre horrific sxs already adding on top of the chemical organic anxiety that engulfs my body and mind every single second...

 

 

I can't cut at all either. I'm having bouts of chemical terror too. They've sent me to the ER twice in the past two weeks. No matter how much I tell myself it's the benzos and it will pass it's so intense that it doesn't matter and I completely freak out.

i understand you being afraid to cut at all....Sometimes they say as you go lower you suffer but then the sxs change.... I've noticed that myself; but I'm stuck, too...

One guy told me he had such severe anxiety on both the kolonopin and Valium but literally after the drug was out of his system after like a week; he said the anxiety completely left..... That quick....nothing like it was when he was taking it....i think he tapered..... he said it was torture but he did it...The drug was causing it in spades like it is for  you and me....

 

The thing is how do we make it tolerable to do this. :'(.. That's the problem... We can't stay like this... :'(

 

I wish we could find some answers fuzzy

I’m so sorry for the suffering,I’m having the same. Although it has been better 9 months off.

It’s totally terror. To have just  “Normal anxiety “ would be a relief.

 

Do you also get self awareness “shocks” and some kind of existential anxiety?

I get these moments where like I feel like I've just been dropped into my mind and body and I don't know what I've been doing all day and it totally freaks me out if that's what you mean by the self awareness shocks.

 

Yes Pleasebehere, I just want things to be bearable. How can anyone do a long microtaper from a place of such instability?

I get these moments where like I feel like I've just been dropped into my mind and body and I don't know what I've been doing all day and it totally freaks me out if that's what you mean by the self awareness shocks.

 

Yes Pleasebehere, I just want things to be bearable. How can anyone do a long microtaper from a place of such instability?

 

Your first paragraph, I have that too!!!!! I thought it was just me.... I have this constantly! I just didnt know how to describe it....this is so horrible

 

Your second statement is the million dollar question...I pray and hope we get some more insight....

I was going to try and cut just. .001 gram once a week just to see if it would do anything... If sxs stay the same it would be an indicator of sorts....1 percent for the month...

I'm having severe adverse reactions and none of these doctors know how to help me

Over the past several months I took a bunch of extra 5 mg Valium doses to help me sleep and I think I may have become dependent on Valium and am now going through a cold turkey. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me.

Terror is my worst symptom next to akathisia (from SSRI). I have been holding for about 3 months and I am feeling it go away. Before it was a constant state of unreal terror for 2 months, then I started to get breaks. Now the terror returns and sometimes I can distract and it later goes away. So sorry, hang in there. Hopefully it lets up soon.

Thanks, yeah it really is awful. I'm so terrified of akathesia I really don't think I would be able to handle it without ending up in a psych ward or worse. I think I've had some bouts of it but nothing that has lasted thankfully.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I too have been experiencing terrible panic attacks and have done the same as you and taken some rescue doses.  I'm trying to use alternative meds now to get through them but they don't work as well.  I can't take those attacks cause they feel so horrific.  I wish I had some good advice to give.

Thank you. It's the all encompassing DP/DR that brings on the anxiety. It's so terrifying.

I'm right there in the same boat with the rest of you.  This was my 4th Christmas of just wanting to die.  I recently updosed and got messed up with Ativan which we all know now is just a temporary bandaid but we do it anyway out of desperation.  I also realize that I can't get off this crap without help so I'm trying alternate meds which all come at some cost of their own. Mirtazapine, trazadone, propranolol, gabapentin... so far I can only just tolerate the propranolol and it is reducing the Akathisia for now but worsening insomnia and depression.  I have to just pick the worst battles and keep going.  Hang in there Fuzzy and the rest of you.  We are counting on each other to make it through this and give back hope.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on like this. 24/7 depersonalization and terror is too much.

I've been so tempted to just go back on cause it feels like the attacks are never gonna stop.  I've been using propranolol to get through them so far but it seems like it only helps for a short period of time and then they come right back.  It's hard to imagine that this is ever going to go away.

I can't give you any advice as to how to fix this, my friend.. I'm about 6 months out from a cold turkey off Klonopin and I could've written what you wrote. I've been going through that for about 2 months now. Keep in mind I am a cold turkey, but it is indeed a withdrawal thing. I CONSTANTLY worry that I am going insane and honestly feel like I can't hold on any longer.. Every single symptom that you mentioned, I have very severely.

 

It's definitely withdrawal. It's actually kind of comforting to read about someone else that is going through this, to this severity..

 

Thanks for your post LiveAboveIt. I am also going thru pure hell and do not know if I can survive this. I am going to keep trying  even tho I feel like just giving us sometimes due to the unrelenting unbearable sx's that just do not let up. It is like being tortured continually.

Is it constant with you guys? I get all these symptoms throughout the day, they come and go though so I’m hoping they’ll span out and go away with time.

Yes mine is constant at this point. At times it's worse than others but the dp and agoraphobia never leave at this point.

Fuzzy, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I did a CT after being polydrugged for 25 years. I understand exactly what you are experiencing. I have also done a lot of escalation, the doctor said: "Medicines are not addictive and there is no name called withdrawal". So now I understand why I felt so terribly bad, why I was so sick.

 

I never thought I would survive 40 symptoms, some were totally horrible. I thought the clock had stopped, three minutes felt like several hours. I've been through second, minute and hour and never thought the day would end. When someone asked me how I feel, I could only answer "I'm suffering." What do I say to the one who has never gone through this? I also had no one to talk to.

 

But in some way, time and symptoms pass away. Suddenly, I found it to be better and better, yesterday I was even outside.

I am much older than you so for me it takes much longer + CT after many years. Being young is a lot, it's a definite advantage.

If I, 62 years old, did this you do it too.  Hugs!

Thank you. I am really suffering badly and I needed to see that today.

How's your terror been lately?

Worse than ever. I went outside for like two minutes yesterday and bugged out. I feel completely trapped in my house and my health anxiety is through the roof. I'm 31 years old and I needed my mom to run my back and tell me everything in my room is actually real and that I will get better.

 

I don't think I can do this much longer...