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I Got My Life Back – Thank God!


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  • 6 months later...

I lost intrusive thoughts about month 10.  When symptoms fade and disappear you can talk about them.  Healing helps everything and I have been healed for over 18 months now...zero symptoms. :)

 

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What were some of your intrusive thoughts again, TheWay2? I am still dealing with fear of being at home because of mine. I'm now 18 months off.

 

Hi Boombox,

 

I still have the intrusive thoughts at 29 months off. Starting to think they are here to stay.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I started taking Benzos back in May of 2016 for some sleep issues.  Started with Xanax 1mg and then quickly went up to 2 mg in about 4 weeks.  When those stopped working they put me on Temazepam and Klonopin at the same time!  Took that for another 4 weeks and finished with a few days of Valium.  I kept building tolerance so my sleep got worse and worse over time.  At first, the Xanax could put me out for 8 hours, then it went to 7, 6, 5, 4, you get the picture.  So, I had to up the dose to 2mg and that quickly faded as well.  I was taking 3mg of Klonopin and 30mg of Temazepam at the same time.  Found out later that the effect of taking 2 Benzos at the same time is magnified by 30%!  Some doctors are not very smart and apparently I wasn’t either as I continued to take whatever they told me to.  They even wanted me to try haldol, no thanks, check out the side effects from that.  Even the Pharmacist said it could cause permanent uncontrolled jerks/movements in my arms, legs, neck, etc.

 

I quit Xanax cold turkey when I switched to the Klonopin and Temazepam.  I quit both of those cold turkey as well as my doctor told me that I wasn’t on them long enough to have withdrawal or seizures.  I took Valium for 2 nights about a week after I CT’ed the benzos.  In all, I was on Benzos for just under 3 months.  Then I found Benzo Buddies.  I joined in August 2016 under the name ThEwAy but had my account deleted so I wouldn't be tempted to come on this site after being on it for almost 8 months.  You can go back and look at some of my early posts.  I rejoined under my current name. ThEwAy2.

 

My sleep went from what I thought was decent to 2 hours or less a night.  As soon as I quit cold turkey, I started with the zero-hour nights.  They were horrific as many of you know.  I would often go for 3 and sometimes 4 nights in a row with zero sleep.  This lasted almost 8 months.  Along with the brutal insomnia I had a plethora of other symptoms including claustrophobia to the point where I couldn’t even go into a large store and I had to spend my nights on the sofa with the front door open.  I also had Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, muscle twitches, major constipation, noise sensitivity, clenched jaw, ringing ears, panic attacks, horrible anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, etc. 

 

I literally thought I was going to die.  I seriously considered quitting my job that I usually like and have been doing for 27 years.  It got so bad that my mother-in-law was talking to my brothers and other family members and was trying to get me committed to a psych ward. The doctors thought I was crazy so did my wife and kids.  They didn't think it was a withdrawal problem, they thought it was mental illness. I was in 4 different Emergency rooms over a one-month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more drugs.  I tried a bunch of other non-benzo drugs that really didn’t work.  Then I found Benzo Buddies and took the advice of some veteran Buddies that said my best bet was to get off of everything.  So, I quite taking the Remeron and Seroquel and whatever else they had me on and it was a lot of different things.  I usually only took them for a day or two and when they didn't work, I flushed them.  The best thing I ever did was stop taking everything and let my brain learn how to sleep on its own again.  Today, I don't even take "natural" supplements for sleep.  I don't think they are bad, but I just wanted to be completely free of everything.  For those considering CBT for sleep or Sleep Restriction or any other method, I don't think they work well for withdrawal insomnia.  They didn't for me.  The other thing to keep in mind is that you don't need 8 hours of sleep a night.  That is a myth.  You can function normally on much less.  And you DON'T have fatal insomnia.  I think most people (myself included) think they have that at one point or another, but you don't.  It is ALL withdrawal.

 

I thought I would never get better and considered suicide, but was too chicken to ever follow through or even attempt it.  I think the thought of having a “way out” made it more tolerable.  I would call the 800 prevention lines from time-to-time just to talk to someone.  So, for those of you contemplating suicide my advice would be think about it but never act on anything.  Don’t keep anything around that you could use, such as a weapon, etc. 

 

I live in the Midwest and flew out to Virginia to the Coleman Institute and paid a lot of money in desperation for his Flumazenil treatment.  Unfortunately, it did not work and I think only prolonged my recovery?  That was in September of 2016.  Right after that I started seeing a Counselor at a Christian Counseling center and then ended up seeing their Psychiatrist.  The counselor and the Psychiatrist were very familiar with Benzo withdrawal as both had worked in some large rehab clinics out east.  Coincidentally the Psychiatrist’s name was also Dr. Coleman.  He told me that I would recover in 1 – 4 months.  I thought he was crazy.  His definition of recovered was sleeping 4-6 hours 95% of the time and having my symptoms reduced 80% or more of where they were currently at.  I was skeptical, but they really helped me through this recovery process.  The only drawback was that it was an hour drive one way to Madison, WI.

 

By January of 2017 I started to get a little sleep maybe 2-3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 nights in a row.  Some of my symptoms started to fade.  It was very up and down for a long time.  I went on a cycle where I would get some sleep for one day and then none the next day.  Gradually it got better and better and I started getting sleep for 2, 3 then 4 days in a row.  But those Zero days were still there and those were the worst, I kept a sleep log and had 65 zero nights over 8 months.  Some good Benzo Buddies, Aloha and Siggy were there for me through PMs and just on general posts.  They kept telling me I would get better, and they were right.  And there were also many other BB too numerous to mention that gave me hope and encouragement by responding to my posts.  Thank you everyone and the BB community!

 

At about 8 months out I started sleeping almost every night for at least 4-5 hours.  The sleep was broken but, it really helped me heal.  Within a few weeks all of my symptoms rapidly faded.  About 6 weeks after I started sleeping all of my symptoms were gone.  It was amazing.  No more anxiety or depression and the dreaded claustrophobia was gone too.  I really started to appreciate and enjoy life again.  Little things made me happy that I used to take for granted pre-benzo.  I was hoping it just wasn’t a window as I read about the windows and waves that most go through. 

 

It has now been over 7 months of being symptom free and having fairly good sleep every night.  The last time I had a zero night was April 11, 2017.  My sleep is not perfect.  Still broken with lots of dreams, but I usually get 6-7 hours per night.  I usually wake up 2 -4 times per night, but can usually fall back to sleep fairly quickly.  Other nights it takes an hour or so.  The biggest difference is that I stopped caring if I slept or not.  That was super hard to do, but got easier and easier over time.  Now, I know I can fall back to sleep when I wake up at 1:00 or 3:00 am and 90% of the time I do fall back asleep. For the first 8 months after my cold turkey, I wouldn’t get tired. I would feel tired, but my brain felt wired.  Now, there are some days that I get so tired I fall asleep on the couch watching TV.  As you notice I am writing a lot about sleep.  That was my biggest issue that I struggled with besides the Anxiety, depression and claustrophobia.   

 

The other thing that helped me, besides not worrying if I slept or not, was to take a break from Benzo Buddies.  Please don’t get me wrong, this site has been a great resource for me and has lots of people that experience the same things.  Many of you  helped me by responding to my posts and reassuring me.  So if you need to be here, please stay and let others going through the same thing help you get through withdrawal.  My issue was that I made everyone else’s recovery timeline, my timeline.  For example, if someone did not start sleeping well until 2 years out, I would say things such as “it might take 2 years or longer for me to start sleeping again.”  That is just how I process things.  So, I took a break from Benzo Buddies and I had a friend lay hands on me and pray for me.  He has the gift of healing.  Some of you will say poppycock, but I believe it as I experienced it.  That was about 2 weeks before I starting sleeping pretty well out of the blue.  I give God the glory and the praise. 

 

Now at 15 months off, I am claiming success.  I have my life back.  I live the way I used to before this whole benzo ordeal started.  My family and I even went on a 7-day cruise in June and it was awesome!  I want to point out, that when I or anyone else claims success or writes a success story, it really isn’t what we do, but what we went through to get to where we are now.  If there were some magic diet or supplement to take, we would know about it by now. Time and God are the only healers I know. 

 

At my worst, I thought about taking the Family Medical Leave Act and taking a bunch of time off, but I used sick days instead.  I think I ended up taking 20 days spread out over several months.  As I already mentioned, I thought I was going to have to quit my job but,  I also learned that I could function pretty well on little or no sleep.  I kept my job and my family…I needed too, I had bills to pay and my family needed me.  Not that I handled it the best...I didn't...to this day my wife still says I was out of control, but she still doesn't understand how much benzos make you temporarily mentally ill! I did what I could do to get through the mental torture and there wasn't much to hold onto. 

 

The other thing that I did that I think helped me recover was eating a clean diet.  I followed Dr. Gundry’s The Plant Paradox diet.  The book, The Plant Paradox:  The Hidden Dangers in “Healthy” Foods that Cause Disease is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.  I also walked 2 – 4 miles every day even if I got little or no sleep.  It was hard, but it helped in the long run.

 

For those still struggling, it will get better.  I don’t know when, but it will.  It just takes time and more time.  The benzos lie to us all and make us believe we will have symptoms forever.  Not true.  A big fat lie.  You will recover, you will get your life back.  I did.  I would say I'm 100% healed from the physical and mental symptoms and 90% healed in the sleep department.  Enough to live a great life and enjoy it...and believe me I do.  I wake up everyday and thank God for the day and the chance to live it "normally."  Even going to work is "fun."  There isn't much I don't enjoy or appreciate now.  It's like I was given a 2nd chance at life.  I hope this helps some of you have some hope?  I pray for the day when you get your 2nd chance too.  If I had to do it all over again, I still think I would go cold turkey.  Yeah, the symptoms were brutal, but for me, I think I recovered faster by getting the poison out of my body as fast as possible.  God’s speed to everyone still going through withdrawal. :thumbsup:

 

ThEwAy & ThEwAy2

How long do swollen eyes last?

 

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It depends...I never had that symptom.  It's different for everyone, but if you never had it before Benzos, it will definitely go away one day. :thumbsup:
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What types of intrusive thoughts?

 

Negative thoughts of extreme self doubt mostly. But since I had surgery on 10/4, the thoughts have come back times 20. Does tylenol have an effect on our neurotransmitters? Because I haven't taken anything for pain since I had surgery on Friday, and now I don't know what to do about the pain. It's in my jaw which is super close to my brain, so it's pretty unbearable.

 

Edit: Removed disallowed content.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I started taking Benzos back in May of 2016 for some sleep issues.  Started with Xanax 1mg and then quickly went up to 2 mg in about 4 weeks.  When those stopped working they put me on Temazepam and Klonopin at the same time!  Took that for another 4 weeks and finished with a few days of Valium.  I kept building tolerance so my sleep got worse and worse over time.  At first, the Xanax could put me out for 8 hours, then it went to 7, 6, 5, 4, you get the picture.  So, I had to up the dose to 2mg and that quickly faded as well.  I was taking 3mg of Klonopin and 30mg of Temazepam at the same time.  Found out later that the effect of taking 2 Benzos at the same time is magnified by 30%!  Some doctors are not very smart and apparently I wasn’t either as I continued to take whatever they told me to.  They even wanted me to try haldol, no thanks, check out the side effects from that.  Even the Pharmacist said it could cause permanent uncontrolled jerks/movements in my arms, legs, neck, etc.

 

I quit Xanax cold turkey when I switched to the Klonopin and Temazepam.  I quit both of those cold turkey as well as my doctor told me that I wasn’t on them long enough to have withdrawal or seizures.  I took Valium for 2 nights about a week after I CT’ed the benzos.  In all, I was on Benzos for just under 3 months.  Then I found Benzo Buddies.  I joined in August 2016 under the name ThEwAy but had my account deleted so I wouldn't be tempted to come on this site after being on it for almost 8 months.  You can go back and look at some of my early posts.  I rejoined under my current name. ThEwAy2.

 

My sleep went from what I thought was decent to 2 hours or less a night.  As soon as I quit cold turkey, I started with the zero-hour nights.  They were horrific as many of you know.  I would often go for 3 and sometimes 4 nights in a row with zero sleep.  This lasted almost 8 months.  Along with the brutal insomnia I had a plethora of other symptoms including claustrophobia to the point where I couldn’t even go into a large store and I had to spend my nights on the sofa with the front door open.  I also had Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, muscle twitches, major constipation, noise sensitivity, clenched jaw, ringing ears, panic attacks, horrible anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, etc. 

 

I literally thought I was going to die.  I seriously considered quitting my job that I usually like and have been doing for 27 years.  It got so bad that my mother-in-law was talking to my brothers and other family members and was trying to get me committed to a psych ward. The doctors thought I was crazy so did my wife and kids.  They didn't think it was a withdrawal problem, they thought it was mental illness. I was in 4 different Emergency rooms over a one-month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more drugs.  I tried a bunch of other non-benzo drugs that really didn’t work.  Then I found Benzo Buddies and took the advice of some veteran Buddies that said my best bet was to get off of everything.  So, I quite taking the Remeron and Seroquel and whatever else they had me on and it was a lot of different things.  I usually only took them for a day or two and when they didn't work, I flushed them.  The best thing I ever did was stop taking everything and let my brain learn how to sleep on its own again.  Today, I don't even take "natural" supplements for sleep.  I don't think they are bad, but I just wanted to be completely free of everything.  For those considering CBT for sleep or Sleep Restriction or any other method, I don't think they work well for withdrawal insomnia.  They didn't for me.  The other thing to keep in mind is that you don't need 8 hours of sleep a night.  That is a myth.  You can function normally on much less.  And you DON'T have fatal insomnia.  I think most people (myself included) think they have that at one point or another, but you don't.  It is ALL withdrawal.

 

I thought I would never get better and considered suicide, but was too chicken to ever follow through or even attempt it.  I think the thought of having a “way out” made it more tolerable.  I would call the 800 prevention lines from time-to-time just to talk to someone.  So, for those of you contemplating suicide my advice would be think about it but never act on anything.  Don’t keep anything around that you could use, such as a weapon, etc. 

 

I live in the Midwest and flew out to Virginia to the Coleman Institute and paid a lot of money in desperation for his Flumazenil treatment.  Unfortunately, it did not work and I think only prolonged my recovery?  That was in September of 2016.  Right after that I started seeing a Counselor at a Christian Counseling center and then ended up seeing their Psychiatrist.  The counselor and the Psychiatrist were very familiar with Benzo withdrawal as both had worked in some large rehab clinics out east.  Coincidentally the Psychiatrist’s name was also Dr. Coleman.  He told me that I would recover in 1 – 4 months.  I thought he was crazy.  His definition of recovered was sleeping 4-6 hours 95% of the time and having my symptoms reduced 80% or more of where they were currently at.  I was skeptical, but they really helped me through this recovery process.  The only drawback was that it was an hour drive one way to Madison, WI.

 

By January of 2017 I started to get a little sleep maybe 2-3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 nights in a row.  Some of my symptoms started to fade.  It was very up and down for a long time.  I went on a cycle where I would get some sleep for one day and then none the next day.  Gradually it got better and better and I started getting sleep for 2, 3 then 4 days in a row.  But those Zero days were still there and those were the worst, I kept a sleep log and had 65 zero nights over 8 months.  Some good Benzo Buddies, Aloha and Siggy were there for me through PMs and just on general posts.  They kept telling me I would get better, and they were right.  And there were also many other BB too numerous to mention that gave me hope and encouragement by responding to my posts.  Thank you everyone and the BB community!

 

At about 8 months out I started sleeping almost every night for at least 4-5 hours.  The sleep was broken but, it really helped me heal.  Within a few weeks all of my symptoms rapidly faded.  About 6 weeks after I started sleeping all of my symptoms were gone.  It was amazing.  No more anxiety or depression and the dreaded claustrophobia was gone too.  I really started to appreciate and enjoy life again.  Little things made me happy that I used to take for granted pre-benzo.  I was hoping it just wasn’t a window as I read about the windows and waves that most go through. 

 

It has now been over 7 months of being symptom free and having fairly good sleep every night.  The last time I had a zero night was April 11, 2017.  My sleep is not perfect.  Still broken with lots of dreams, but I usually get 6-7 hours per night.  I usually wake up 2 -4 times per night, but can usually fall back to sleep fairly quickly.  Other nights it takes an hour or so.  The biggest difference is that I stopped caring if I slept or not.  That was super hard to do, but got easier and easier over time.  Now, I know I can fall back to sleep when I wake up at 1:00 or 3:00 am and 90% of the time I do fall back asleep. For the first 8 months after my cold turkey, I wouldn’t get tired. I would feel tired, but my brain felt wired.  Now, there are some days that I get so tired I fall asleep on the couch watching TV.  As you notice I am writing a lot about sleep.  That was my biggest issue that I struggled with besides the Anxiety, depression and claustrophobia.   

 

The other thing that helped me, besides not worrying if I slept or not, was to take a break from Benzo Buddies.  Please don’t get me wrong, this site has been a great resource for me and has lots of people that experience the same things.  Many of you  helped me by responding to my posts and reassuring me.  So if you need to be here, please stay and let others going through the same thing help you get through withdrawal.  My issue was that I made everyone else’s recovery timeline, my timeline.  For example, if someone did not start sleeping well until 2 years out, I would say things such as “it might take 2 years or longer for me to start sleeping again.”  That is just how I process things.  So, I took a break from Benzo Buddies and I had a friend lay hands on me and pray for me.  He has the gift of healing.  Some of you will say poppycock, but I believe it as I experienced it.  That was about 2 weeks before I starting sleeping pretty well out of the blue.  I give God the glory and the praise. 

 

Now at 15 months off, I am claiming success.  I have my life back.  I live the way I used to before this whole benzo ordeal started.  My family and I even went on a 7-day cruise in June and it was awesome!  I want to point out, that when I or anyone else claims success or writes a success story, it really isn’t what we do, but what we went through to get to where we are now.  If there were some magic diet or supplement to take, we would know about it by now. Time and God are the only healers I know. 

 

At my worst, I thought about taking the Family Medical Leave Act and taking a bunch of time off, but I used sick days instead.  I think I ended up taking 20 days spread out over several months.  As I already mentioned, I thought I was going to have to quit my job but,  I also learned that I could function pretty well on little or no sleep.  I kept my job and my family…I needed too, I had bills to pay and my family needed me.  Not that I handled it the best...I didn't...to this day my wife still says I was out of control, but she still doesn't understand how much benzos make you temporarily mentally ill! I did what I could do to get through the mental torture and there wasn't much to hold onto. 

 

The other thing that I did that I think helped me recover was eating a clean diet.  I followed Dr. Gundry’s The Plant Paradox diet.  The book, The Plant Paradox:  The Hidden Dangers in “Healthy” Foods that Cause Disease is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.  I also walked 2 – 4 miles every day even if I got little or no sleep.  It was hard, but it helped in the long run.

 

For those still struggling, it will get better.  I don’t know when, but it will.  It just takes time and more time.  The benzos lie to us all and make us believe we will have symptoms forever.  Not true.  A big fat lie.  You will recover, you will get your life back.  I did.  I would say I'm 100% healed from the physical and mental symptoms and 90% healed in the sleep department.  Enough to live a great life and enjoy it...and believe me I do.  I wake up everyday and thank God for the day and the chance to live it "normally."  Even going to work is "fun."  There isn't much I don't enjoy or appreciate now.  It's like I was given a 2nd chance at life.  I hope this helps some of you have some hope?  I pray for the day when you get your 2nd chance too.  If I had to do it all over again, I still think I would go cold turkey.  Yeah, the symptoms were brutal, but for me, I think I recovered faster by getting the poison out of my body as fast as possible.  God’s speed to everyone still going through withdrawal. :thumbsup:

 

ThEwAy & ThEwAy2

Black eye rim, when does head symptom disappear?
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  • 2 months later...

WD is unique to everyone.  Not everyone gets the same symptoms or at the same intensity level.  Everyone heals on their own timeline.  Symptoms can come and go.  I wish I could answer your question when a certain symptom would disappear but I can't.  The Ashton manual has general guidelines or generally how long main symptoms last.  I would look there first, but even then there is no guarantee.  Even when people take the same Benzo at the same dose for about the same time frame, there is no way to say you will experience the same things as they did or recover in the same amount of time. 

 

As I healed everything left.  The intrusive thoughts left around month 10 or so..I still had a few after that but they didn't last long and didn't affect me much.  That's how most symptoms fade and disappear.  At first they are brutal and consume the better part of the your day/life.  They they become less brutal and fade into being tolerable but still noticeable.  Finally they fade to where you notice them, but they don't affect your life, then they disappear and sometimes you don't notice that they are gone. 

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Update:

 

I am 3 years 5 months off.  Life is still great and the reason for going on Benzos in the first place (sleep) is still getting better if that were possible.  I have been getting 8, 9 and sometimes 10 hours of sleep per night most nights now.  I don't take anything for sleep either.  ALL of my symptoms have been gone for over 20 months. I do everything I did before Benzos and live a completely normal life, but I appreciate everything way more, especially things I took for granted.  WD and recovery are not pretty, but making it to the other side is F*&%ing BEAUTIFUL.  Hang in there, you'll make it too.  I thought I was broken, would never heal and would be stuck for life.  Not true...all Benzo WD lies.  :thumbsup:

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Hello ThEwAy2,

Thank you so much for your update and letting us know how you are doing with life at 3 years and 5 months. Also, thank you for coming back once in a while to answer all questions that are asked of you by buddies who are still struggling. I always liked reading your posts and knowledge especially in the insomnia department. I am currently at 34 months and although better than last year, I am still struggling with some symptoms particularly muscle pains mostly on my right shoulder and legs. I am praying everyday for continuous healing and have faith that when the right time comes, all my symptoms will disappear completely. I am sticking to clean diet and exercise my legs when I can.

 

May you continue to receive blessings, joy, peace, love and wellness throughout your life.

 

Blessings!

Pi

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Pi236,

 

Sorry you are still experiencing symptoms that far out.  I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make all your symptoms disappear!  Some people, for unknown reasons (perhaps genetics, etc.) take longer to heal.  But since you made improvement over the last year, it will continue to happen now and in the future.  Thanks for being so positive and encouraging even though you are still struggling.  Wishing you complete healing and happiness in 2020.

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  • 2 weeks later...

UPDATE:  I started feeling a lot better by month 15, so I wrote this success story.  If I had to do it again, I would say I was completely recovered by month 24 (2 years off).  I say this as I still had a few lingering symptoms that we only annoying along with some poor nights of sleep and a 29 day insomnia only wave at 18 months off.  From month 15 to 24 I had some brief periods of anxiety, depression and claustrophobia...but they only lasted a few minutes at a time, not the entire day like they did in the past.  I also had some muscle pain and twitching, but again very brief and only annoying not life altering.

 

I have been completely symptom free except for an off night of sleep every few months the past 1.5 years. 

 

TIME (Tick Tock) is the healer.  TIME will heal you. 

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I had a "group" of symptoms that I sort of lumped together under one umbrella as they seemed so connected that were pretty debilitating for several months.  Anxiety, Depression, Claustrophobia, and SI.  These were pretty severe for some time and I used to call the 800 numbers just to talk to someone at first.  Luckily I was too chicken to actually do any self-harm.  I couldn't go in large buildings (WalMart) for several months as I always felt trapped. 
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Doesn’t  that brother you talkIng about your symptoms now?

 

Not at all.  If it did, I wouldn't have come back on this site.  :)  In fact, for the longest time, my wife thought I wasn't getting any better because I spent too much time on this site?  Another way to know if you are completely healed or not is your ability to talk about your experience without it having any affect on you.

 

It's all a distant memory now and sometimes I forget some of the symptoms I had until I read about them on this forum from an old post.

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B,

 

You'll get there.  I promise.  I just wish I knew when.  But no one can answer that with any type of certainty.  But every day that passes brings you one day closer to being healed.

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BBs has been a great resource and help for me.  But there was a time when I read too much of the "negative posts" and needed to take a break.  I took 6 months off and healed a lot.  I highly doubt taking 6 months off had anything to do with my healing, but it greatly helped my "state of mind."  I come back now, after being healed, as I promised another Benzo Buddy I would "pay it forward."  So here I am, still trying to help and pay it forward. 

 

BBs needs more people to stick around AFTER they have healed.  People that healed are a good source of inspiration and hope for those still struggling.  But you have to do what is best for you.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I started taking Benzos back in May of 2016 for some sleep issues.  Started with Xanax 1mg and then quickly went up to 2 mg in about 4 weeks.  When those stopped working they put me on Temazepam and Klonopin at the same time!  Took that for another 4 weeks and finished with a few days of Valium.  I kept building tolerance so my sleep got worse and worse over time.  At first, the Xanax could put me out for 8 hours, then it went to 7, 6, 5, 4, you get the picture.  So, I had to up the dose to 2mg and that quickly faded as well.  I was taking 3mg of Klonopin and 30mg of Temazepam at the same time.  Found out later that the effect of taking 2 Benzos at the same time is magnified by 30%!  Some doctors are not very smart and apparently I wasn’t either as I continued to take whatever they told me to.  They even wanted me to try haldol, no thanks, check out the side effects from that.  Even the Pharmacist said it could cause permanent uncontrolled jerks/movements in my arms, legs, neck, etc.

 

I quit Xanax cold turkey when I switched to the Klonopin and Temazepam.  I quit both of those cold turkey as well as my doctor told me that I wasn’t on them long enough to have withdrawal or seizures.  I took Valium for 2 nights about a week after I CT’ed the benzos.  In all, I was on Benzos for just under 3 months.  Then I found Benzo Buddies.  I joined in August 2016 under the name ThEwAy but had my account deleted so I wouldn't be tempted to come on this site after being on it for almost 8 months.  You can go back and look at some of my early posts.  I rejoined under my current name. ThEwAy2.

 

My sleep went from what I thought was decent to 2 hours or less a night.  As soon as I quit cold turkey, I started with the zero-hour nights.  They were horrific as many of you know.  I would often go for 3 and sometimes 4 nights in a row with zero sleep.  This lasted almost 8 months.  Along with the brutal insomnia I had a plethora of other symptoms including claustrophobia to the point where I couldn’t even go into a large store and I had to spend my nights on the sofa with the front door open.  I also had Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, muscle twitches, major constipation, noise sensitivity, clenched jaw, ringing ears, panic attacks, horrible anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, etc. 

 

I literally thought I was going to die.  I seriously considered quitting my job that I usually like and have been doing for 27 years.  It got so bad that my mother-in-law was talking to my brothers and other family members and was trying to get me committed to a psych ward. The doctors thought I was crazy so did my wife and kids.  They didn't think it was a withdrawal problem, they thought it was mental illness. I was in 4 different Emergency rooms over a one-month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more drugs.  I tried a bunch of other non-benzo drugs that really didn’t work.  Then I found Benzo Buddies and took the advice of some veteran Buddies that said my best bet was to get off of everything.  So, I quite taking the Remeron and Seroquel and whatever else they had me on and it was a lot of different things.  I usually only took them for a day or two and when they didn't work, I flushed them.  The best thing I ever did was stop taking everything and let my brain learn how to sleep on its own again.  Today, I don't even take "natural" supplements for sleep.  I don't think they are bad, but I just wanted to be completely free of everything.  For those considering CBT for sleep or Sleep Restriction or any other method, I don't think they work well for withdrawal insomnia.  They didn't for me.  The other thing to keep in mind is that you don't need 8 hours of sleep a night.  That is a myth.  You can function normally on much less.  And you DON'T have fatal insomnia.  I think most people (myself included) think they have that at one point or another, but you don't.  It is ALL withdrawal.

 

I thought I would never get better and considered suicide, but was too chicken to ever follow through or even attempt it.  I think the thought of having a “way out” made it more tolerable.  I would call the 800 prevention lines from time-to-time just to talk to someone.  So, for those of you contemplating suicide my advice would be think about it but never act on anything.  Don’t keep anything around that you could use, such as a weapon, etc. 

 

I live in the Midwest and flew out to Virginia to the Coleman Institute and paid a lot of money in desperation for his Flumazenil treatment.  Unfortunately, it did not work and I think only prolonged my recovery?  That was in September of 2016.  Right after that I started seeing a Counselor at a Christian Counseling center and then ended up seeing their Psychiatrist.  The counselor and the Psychiatrist were very familiar with Benzo withdrawal as both had worked in some large rehab clinics out east.  Coincidentally the Psychiatrist’s name was also Dr. Coleman.  He told me that I would recover in 1 – 4 months.  I thought he was crazy.  His definition of recovered was sleeping 4-6 hours 95% of the time and having my symptoms reduced 80% or more of where they were currently at.  I was skeptical, but they really helped me through this recovery process.  The only drawback was that it was an hour drive one way to Madison, WI.

 

By January of 2017 I started to get a little sleep maybe 2-3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 nights in a row.  Some of my symptoms started to fade.  It was very up and down for a long time.  I went on a cycle where I would get some sleep for one day and then none the next day.  Gradually it got better and better and I started getting sleep for 2, 3 then 4 days in a row.  But those Zero days were still there and those were the worst, I kept a sleep log and had 65 zero nights over 8 months.  Some good Benzo Buddies, Aloha and Siggy were there for me through PMs and just on general posts.  They kept telling me I would get better, and they were right.  And there were also many other BB too numerous to mention that gave me hope and encouragement by responding to my posts.  Thank you everyone and the BB community!

 

At about 8 months out I started sleeping almost every night for at least 4-5 hours.  The sleep was broken but, it really helped me heal.  Within a few weeks all of my symptoms rapidly faded.  About 6 weeks after I started sleeping all of my symptoms were gone.  It was amazing.  No more anxiety or depression and the dreaded claustrophobia was gone too.  I really started to appreciate and enjoy life again.  Little things made me happy that I used to take for granted pre-benzo.  I was hoping it just wasn’t a window as I read about the windows and waves that most go through. 

 

It has now been over 7 months of being symptom free and having fairly good sleep every night.  The last time I had a zero night was April 11, 2017.  My sleep is not perfect.  Still broken with lots of dreams, but I usually get 6-7 hours per night.  I usually wake up 2 -4 times per night, but can usually fall back to sleep fairly quickly.  Other nights it takes an hour or so.  The biggest difference is that I stopped caring if I slept or not.  That was super hard to do, but got easier and easier over time.  Now, I know I can fall back to sleep when I wake up at 1:00 or 3:00 am and 90% of the time I do fall back asleep. For the first 8 months after my cold turkey, I wouldn’t get tired. I would feel tired, but my brain felt wired.  Now, there are some days that I get so tired I fall asleep on the couch watching TV.  As you notice I am writing a lot about sleep.  That was my biggest issue that I struggled with besides the Anxiety, depression and claustrophobia.   

 

The other thing that helped me, besides not worrying if I slept or not, was to take a break from Benzo Buddies.  Please don’t get me wrong, this site has been a great resource for me and has lots of people that experience the same things.  Many of you  helped me by responding to my posts and reassuring me.  So if you need to be here, please stay and let others going through the same thing help you get through withdrawal.  My issue was that I made everyone else’s recovery timeline, my timeline.  For example, if someone did not start sleeping well until 2 years out, I would say things such as “it might take 2 years or longer for me to start sleeping again.”  That is just how I process things.  So, I took a break from Benzo Buddies and I had a friend lay hands on me and pray for me.  He has the gift of healing.  Some of you will say poppycock, but I believe it as I experienced it.  That was about 2 weeks before I starting sleeping pretty well out of the blue.  I give God the glory and the praise. 

 

Now at 15 months off, I am claiming success.  I have my life back.  I live the way I used to before this whole benzo ordeal started.  My family and I even went on a 7-day cruise in June and it was awesome!  I want to point out, that when I or anyone else claims success or writes a success story, it really isn’t what we do, but what we went through to get to where we are now.  If there were some magic diet or supplement to take, we would know about it by now. Time and God are the only healers I know. 

 

At my worst, I thought about taking the Family Medical Leave Act and taking a bunch of time off, but I used sick days instead.  I think I ended up taking 20 days spread out over several months.  As I already mentioned, I thought I was going to have to quit my job but,  I also learned that I could function pretty well on little or no sleep.  I kept my job and my family…I needed too, I had bills to pay and my family needed me.  Not that I handled it the best...I didn't...to this day my wife still says I was out of control, but she still doesn't understand how much benzos make you temporarily mentally ill! I did what I could do to get through the mental torture and there wasn't much to hold onto. 

 

The other thing that I did that I think helped me recover was eating a clean diet.  I followed Dr. Gundry’s The Plant Paradox diet.  The book, The Plant Paradox:  The Hidden Dangers in “Healthy” Foods that Cause Disease is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.  I also walked 2 – 4 miles every day even if I got little or no sleep.  It was hard, but it helped in the long run.

 

For those still struggling, it will get better.  I don’t know when, but it will.  It just takes time and more time.  The benzos lie to us all and make us believe we will have symptoms forever.  Not true.  A big fat lie.  You will recover, you will get your life back.  I did.  I would say I'm 100% healed from the physical and mental symptoms and 90% healed in the sleep department.  Enough to live a great life and enjoy it...and believe me I do.  I wake up everyday and thank God for the day and the chance to live it "normally."  Even going to work is "fun."  There isn't much I don't enjoy or appreciate now.  It's like I was given a 2nd chance at life.  I hope this helps some of you have some hope?  I pray for the day when you get your 2nd chance too.  If I had to do it all over again, I still think I would go cold turkey.  Yeah, the symptoms were brutal, but for me, I think I recovered faster by getting the poison out of my body as fast as possible.  God’s speed to everyone still going through withdrawal. :thumbsup:

 

ThEwAy & ThEwAy2

 

Thank you for this... means a lot.

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