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I Got My Life Back – Thank God!


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I started taking Benzos back in May of 2016 for some sleep issues.  Started with Xanax 1mg and then quickly went up to 2 mg in about 4 weeks.  When those stopped working they put me on Temazepam and Klonopin at the same time!  Took that for another 4 weeks and finished with a few days of Valium.  I kept building tolerance so my sleep got worse and worse over time.  At first, the Xanax could put me out for 8 hours, then it went to 7, 6, 5, 4, you get the picture.  So, I had to up the dose to 2mg and that quickly faded as well.  I was taking 3mg of Klonopin and 30mg of Temazepam at the same time.  Found out later that the effect of taking 2 Benzos at the same time is magnified by 30%!  Some doctors are not very smart and apparently I wasn’t either as I continued to take whatever they told me to.  They even wanted me to try haldol, no thanks, check out the side effects from that.  Even the Pharmacist said it could cause permanent uncontrolled jerks/movements in my arms, legs, neck, etc.

 

I quit Xanax cold turkey when I switched to the Klonopin and Temazepam.  I quit both of those cold turkey as well as my doctor told me that I wasn’t on them long enough to have withdrawal or seizures.  I took Valium for 2 nights about a week after I CT’ed the benzos.  In all, I was on Benzos for just under 3 months.  Then I found Benzo Buddies.  I joined in August 2016 under the name ThEwAy but had my account deleted so I wouldn't be tempted to come on this site after being on it for almost 8 months.  You can go back and look at some of my early posts.  I rejoined under my current name. ThEwAy2.

 

My sleep went from what I thought was decent to 2 hours or less a night.  As soon as I quit cold turkey, I started with the zero-hour nights.  They were horrific as many of you know.  I would often go for 3 and sometimes 4 nights in a row with zero sleep.  This lasted almost 8 months.  Along with the brutal insomnia I had a plethora of other symptoms including claustrophobia to the point where I couldn’t even go into a large store and I had to spend my nights on the sofa with the front door open.  I also had Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, muscle twitches, major constipation, noise sensitivity, clenched jaw, ringing ears, panic attacks, horrible anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, etc. 

 

I literally thought I was going to die.  I seriously considered quitting my job that I usually like and have been doing for 27 years.  It got so bad that my mother-in-law was talking to my brothers and other family members and was trying to get me committed to a psych ward. The doctors thought I was crazy so did my wife and kids.  They didn't think it was a withdrawal problem, they thought it was mental illness. I was in 4 different Emergency rooms over a one-month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more drugs.  I tried a bunch of other non-benzo drugs that really didn’t work.  Then I found Benzo Buddies and took the advice of some veteran Buddies that said my best bet was to get off of everything.  So, I quite taking the Remeron and Seroquel and whatever else they had me on and it was a lot of different things.  I usually only took them for a day or two and when they didn't work, I flushed them.  The best thing I ever did was stop taking everything and let my brain learn how to sleep on its own again.  Today, I don't even take "natural" supplements for sleep.  I don't think they are bad, but I just wanted to be completely free of everything.  For those considering CBT for sleep or Sleep Restriction or any other method, I don't think they work well for withdrawal insomnia.  They didn't for me.  The other thing to keep in mind is that you don't need 8 hours of sleep a night.  That is a myth.  You can function normally on much less.  And you DON'T have fatal insomnia.  I think most people (myself included) think they have that at one point or another, but you don't.  It is ALL withdrawal.

 

I thought I would never get better and considered suicide, but was too chicken to ever follow through or even attempt it.  I think the thought of having a “way out” made it more tolerable.  I would call the 800 prevention lines from time-to-time just to talk to someone.  So, for those of you contemplating suicide my advice would be think about it but never act on anything.  Don’t keep anything around that you could use, such as a weapon, etc. 

 

I live in the Midwest and flew out to Virginia to the Coleman Institute and paid a lot of money in desperation for his Flumazenil treatment.  Unfortunately, it did not work and I think only prolonged my recovery?  That was in September of 2016.  Right after that I started seeing a Counselor at a Christian Counseling center and then ended up seeing their Psychiatrist.  The counselor and the Psychiatrist were very familiar with Benzo withdrawal as both had worked in some large rehab clinics out east.  Coincidentally the Psychiatrist’s name was also Dr. Coleman.  He told me that I would recover in 1 – 4 months.  I thought he was crazy.  His definition of recovered was sleeping 4-6 hours 95% of the time and having my symptoms reduced 80% or more of where they were currently at.  I was skeptical, but they really helped me through this recovery process.  The only drawback was that it was an hour drive one way to Madison, WI.

 

By January of 2017 I started to get a little sleep maybe 2-3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 nights in a row.  Some of my symptoms started to fade.  It was very up and down for a long time.  I went on a cycle where I would get some sleep for one day and then none the next day.  Gradually it got better and better and I started getting sleep for 2, 3 then 4 days in a row.  But those Zero days were still there and those were the worst, I kept a sleep log and had 65 zero nights over 8 months.  Some good Benzo Buddies, Aloha and Siggy were there for me through PMs and just on general posts.  They kept telling me I would get better, and they were right.  And there were also many other BB too numerous to mention that gave me hope and encouragement by responding to my posts.  Thank you everyone and the BB community!

 

At about 8 months out I started sleeping almost every night for at least 4-5 hours.  The sleep was broken but, it really helped me heal.  Within a few weeks all of my symptoms rapidly faded.  About 6 weeks after I started sleeping all of my symptoms were gone.  It was amazing.  No more anxiety or depression and the dreaded claustrophobia was gone too.  I really started to appreciate and enjoy life again.  Little things made me happy that I used to take for granted pre-benzo.  I was hoping it just wasn’t a window as I read about the windows and waves that most go through. 

 

It has now been over 7 months of being symptom free and having fairly good sleep every night.  The last time I had a zero night was April 11, 2017.  My sleep is not perfect.  Still broken with lots of dreams, but I usually get 6-7 hours per night.  I usually wake up 2 -4 times per night, but can usually fall back to sleep fairly quickly.  Other nights it takes an hour or so.  The biggest difference is that I stopped caring if I slept or not.  That was super hard to do, but got easier and easier over time.  Now, I know I can fall back to sleep when I wake up at 1:00 or 3:00 am and 90% of the time I do fall back asleep. For the first 8 months after my cold turkey, I wouldn’t get tired. I would feel tired, but my brain felt wired.  Now, there are some days that I get so tired I fall asleep on the couch watching TV.  As you notice I am writing a lot about sleep.  That was my biggest issue that I struggled with besides the Anxiety, depression and claustrophobia.   

 

The other thing that helped me, besides not worrying if I slept or not, was to take a break from Benzo Buddies.  Please don’t get me wrong, this site has been a great resource for me and has lots of people that experience the same things.  Many of you  helped me by responding to my posts and reassuring me.  So if you need to be here, please stay and let others going through the same thing help you get through withdrawal.  My issue was that I made everyone else’s recovery timeline, my timeline.  For example, if someone did not start sleeping well until 2 years out, I would say things such as “it might take 2 years or longer for me to start sleeping again.”  That is just how I process things.  So, I took a break from Benzo Buddies and I had a friend lay hands on me and pray for me.  He has the gift of healing.  Some of you will say poppycock, but I believe it as I experienced it.  That was about 2 weeks before I starting sleeping pretty well out of the blue.  I give God the glory and the praise. 

 

Now at 15 months off, I am claiming success.  I have my life back.  I live the way I used to before this whole benzo ordeal started.  My family and I even went on a 7-day cruise in June and it was awesome!  I want to point out, that when I or anyone else claims success or writes a success story, it really isn’t what we do, but what we went through to get to where we are now.  If there were some magic diet or supplement to take, we would know about it by now. Time and God are the only healers I know. 

 

At my worst, I thought about taking the Family Medical Leave Act and taking a bunch of time off, but I used sick days instead.  I think I ended up taking 20 days spread out over several months.  As I already mentioned, I thought I was going to have to quit my job but,  I also learned that I could function pretty well on little or no sleep.  I kept my job and my family…I needed too, I had bills to pay and my family needed me.  Not that I handled it the best...I didn't...to this day my wife still says I was out of control, but she still doesn't understand how much benzos make you temporarily mentally ill! I did what I could do to get through the mental torture and there wasn't much to hold onto. 

 

The other thing that I did that I think helped me recover was eating a clean diet.  I followed Dr. Gundry’s The Plant Paradox diet.  The book, The Plant Paradox:  The Hidden Dangers in “Healthy” Foods that Cause Disease is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.  I also walked 2 – 4 miles every day even if I got little or no sleep.  It was hard, but it helped in the long run.

 

For those still struggling, it will get better.  I don’t know when, but it will.  It just takes time and more time.  The benzos lie to us all and make us believe we will have symptoms forever.  Not true.  A big fat lie.  You will recover, you will get your life back.  I did.  I would say I'm 100% healed from the physical and mental symptoms and 90% healed in the sleep department.  Enough to live a great life and enjoy it...and believe me I do.  I wake up everyday and thank God for the day and the chance to live it "normally."  Even going to work is "fun."  There isn't much I don't enjoy or appreciate now.  It's like I was given a 2nd chance at life.  I hope this helps some of you have some hope?  I pray for the day when you get your 2nd chance too.  If I had to do it all over again, I still think I would go cold turkey.  Yeah, the symptoms were brutal, but for me, I think I recovered faster by getting the poison out of my body as fast as possible.  God’s speed to everyone still going through withdrawal. :thumbsup:

 

ThEwAy & ThEwAy2

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and success!!! :)

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thank you ThEwAy!

 

Im new to this benzo world and the hell that comes with it. Im having a lot of hard time with the taper on short term use. seeing all the trouble most facing is really scary and discouraging. There are some many bad days with a few good days mixed in between. on the good days, you feel like youre on your way to recovery and on the bad days, you just cant see the light at the end of tunnel. I really appreciate your story and encouragement.  it really give me hope.

 

thanks

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Hi Restoration123

 

I have a friend that has the "Gift of Healing"  Many don't believe this or even believe in God....that's OK

 

He anointed me with oil and laid hands on me and prayed for me.  Within a few weeks I started to feeling a lot better.  I started sleeping almost every night and my symptoms rapidly faded over the next 6 - 8 weeks.

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I believe everything is possible and I believe there are people who can help one heal. I also believe, that there are people and situations that one has to let in order to heal.

I’m so very happy for you.

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30 months off update.

 

It's been slightly over 30 months since I took my last Benzo. 

 

All of my symptoms have been gone now for over 18 months.  The only thing left is an off night of sleep here and there about every 6 - 8 weeks or so.

 

I had a month long wave at 18 months off.  It was brutal concerning sleep, but only gave me small amounts of anxiety and depression and no other symptoms.  Have not had any additional waves since then.  I bring that up in case you get hit by a late wave.  It has happened to others too.

 

Very thankful to be living life "on the other side."

 

Reading Success Stories always helped me through the tough times.  I couldn't wait for the day I would write mine.  That day has come and gone and things have continued to improve with sleep.

 

I now get 6-10 hours of sleep almost every single night.  The 9 - 10 hours is something new the past 4-5 months.  I never used to get that much sleep for the past 30+ years.

 

Letting everyone know there is hope, there is healing and recovery is real.  Life is good.  I am very thankful and very grateful for each day.

 

If you are still struggling, please know your day will come and your WD journey will end!  :thumbsup:

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Hi Restoration123

 

I have a friend that has the "Gift of Healing"  Many don't believe this or even believe in God....that's OK

 

He anointed me with oil and laid hands on me and prayed for me.  Within a few weeks I started to feeling a lot better.  I started sleeping almost every night and my symptoms rapidly faded over the next 6 - 8 weeks.

 

Amazing! I've been asking everyone I know to pray for me. This is a situation where I certainly need God's help and intervention.

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Success stories can be encouraging. Horror stories can be scary. Some stories are both encouraging and scary. Much depends on perspective and approach. Over the years, I have seen remarkable differences in how people navigate their individual withdrawal journeys. I have seen friends with very similar symptoms and intensity have very different experiences.

 

In some cases, family support, finances and other circumstances played a part… But more than anything, it is the decision and maintained resolve to manage withdrawal on your own terms and not make another person’s story your own, that makes one of the most significant differences. It doesn’t matter if you were on the same drug, for same duration, same tapering protocol, etc. You can carve your own way and create your best story, by your choices and what you focus on.

 

Those who cope best seem to be the ones who ‘allow’ the process and react to it with acceptance, and who are able to maintain boundaries and limit the influence the experiences of others has on them. They allow theirs to unfold without accepting the other person’s reality as their own.

 

Your story is your own. Your friends’ stories are theirs. You don’t need to ride anyone else’s waves. Watch out for that vicarious distress and pain. It’s okay to empathise and support each other, but remember that the compromised withdrawal brain is not always able to differentiate, discern and maintain boundaries. Because of this, what is happening to another can feel like it’s happening to you or you can become terrified anticipating the worst.

 

If you ever become aware of this taking place, try to regain perspective and gently go back into your own boat and keep paddling. Always allow without resisting and go with the flow…. So you don’t fight your own waves and more importantly, you don’t fight another’s waves. Let your gusts of wind be your gusts of wind. You will be more than able to withstand and to cope. Let your friends’ gusts of wind be theirs. They, too, will cope.

 

Please know that you have been given the strength, innate ability and power to keep your boat afloat and to survive the most devastating waves of symptoms. And if you listen to those gusts of wind you will hear them whispering that the calm is coming, that healing is happening, and that you are going to get better – you ARE getting better. This is what this withdrawal experience is about: you healing and making it to recovery.

 

Remember always, this, too, shall pass.

 

Source:--Baylissa Frederick Blog

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There is a quote by Dave Brown that says most people give up when the odds seem insurmountable and the true heroes in this world are those who don’t. I genuinely believe that anyone who is going through or has been through withdrawal is a true hero/heroine, and I want to remind you of this today.

 

In withdrawal, you spend so much time managing symptoms and finding ways of coping, it is easy to overlook the immense strength, resilience and courage you happen to find each day. It’s difficult for someone not experiencing withdrawal to appreciate just how much guts and gumption it takes to get through it.

 

But you know what it feels like to wake up in pain, every day, and nothing seems to be changing. You know what it feels like to hold on for dear life, while the symptoms rage. You know what it feels like to feel fear in the depths of your gut and to wonder if you will ever heal. You know what getting through withdrawal entails and yet you wake up every morning and you keep going. It takes someone truly heroic to do this and not give up. YOU are that person.

 

If no one acknowledges your strength and courage, that’s okay. But you must do so. You are the only one who fully knows your daily trials and what it takes to face and overcome them. May the strength that lies within you, which is more powerful than the worst aspect of your withdrawal, that has taken you this far, continue to propel your valiance. To be on this journey means you are strong, indestructible, amazing and deserving of utmost respect. Hold your head up high.

 

Source:--Baylissa Frederick Blog

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I often think of friends who have long recovered as well as those who healed more recently. At some point, every one of them have said the same things I hear some of you say now: “I don’t think I can do this for much longer.” “What if this isn’t withdrawal?” ” I don’t think I can take any more.” “I think I will be the person who doesn’t heal.” “Why am I getting worse rather than better?” “Will I make it to the end of my taper?” “Maybe this isn’t protracted withdrawal; maybe something else is wrong.”

 

Some had the worst withdrawal experiences and would often lose hope. Many were cold-turkeyed multiple times, given ECT, reinstated and at times more than once, up-dosed, some felt stuck waiting to stabilize, a lot of them were poly-drugged – you name it – they have experienced it. I had to reassure… reassure… reassure.  There were quite a few who were suicidal or had strong ideation regularly. Well, I can tell you that they are extremely happy they didn’t act on it. It’s true that no one ever comes back to say, “I’m really upset that you encouraged me to keep going and not give up or give in.” Instead, they are thankful they waited it out. There is so much good on the other side, the response is always that it was worth it.

 

I know that with so much conflicting information and so many people who are waiting longer than anticipated claiming to be exceptions to the “happy ending” stories, it may be difficult for you to believe you will heal. But even those people who post comments about never healing will heal too. You will see. They will see. It’s only a matter of time. Yes, many people heal within the first 18 months, but there are others for whom it will take more time. Trust the process. Your nervous system is innately intelligent, resilient and self-healing. It knows exactly what to do in order for you to heal.

 

So, remind yourself of this, today. Take a deep breath… and for a moment, tell yourself that the day is coming when you, too, will recover from your withdrawal and will be able to move on, do all the things you can’t now, and live your best life. Even if you are still tapering, yet to taper, feeling stuck, or in the acute, post-acute or protracted stage with seemingly no signs of improvement yet, remember that the natural outcome of withdrawal is recovery. If you consider those before you who experienced what you are now,  you can expect to get better and one day share your success story too. That time is coming!

 

Keep holding on. Trust that when the timing is right for you, this withdrawal chapter will come to an end and you will be well again.

 

Source:--Baylissa Frederick Blog

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Not according to the Admins...I don't have edit or paste rights so I posted below the 3 posts that they were Baylissa's work and all they are worried about is who gets credit for the info as if I am getting paid or making money off of these posts.  I get ZERO/nothing for being on BB.  I wasn't trying to get "credit" for it, only to give people hope.  What do I gain by getting "credit" for it anyway?"  I should have given Baylissa credit, but regardless of who wrote the words, the intent was/is to give people something to hold onto or to look forward to, not get credit, like I'm falsely punching a time clock so I can get paid when I didn't work.  There is nothing new under the sun, what people think is new was said and done by someone else before them.  They strain out a gnat only to swallow a camel in my experience and opinion.

 

And what Baylissa wrote closely mirrors my personal experiences with Benzos...Not exactly and not what she wrote word for word, but closely.  I PM a lot of people and they say a lot of the same things in Baylissa's posts and I have personally said a lot of the same things.

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[95...]

Not according to the Admins...I don't have edit or paste rights so I posted below the 3 posts that they were Baylissa's work and all they are worried about is who gets credit for the info as if I am getting paid or making money off of these posts.  I get ZERO/nothing for being on BB.  I wasn't trying to get "credit" for it, only to give people hope.  What do I gain by getting "credit" for it anyway?"  I should have given Baylissa credit, but regardless of who wrote the words, the intent was/is to give people something to hold onto or to look forward to, not get credit, like I'm falsely punching a time clock so I can get paid when I didn't work.  There is nothing new under the sun, what people think is new was said and done by someone else before them.  They strain out a gnat only to swallow a camel in my experience and opinion.

 

And what Baylissa wrote closely mirrors my personal experiences with Benzos...Not exactly and not what she wrote word for word, but closely.  I PM a lot of people and they say a lot of the same things in Baylissa's posts and I have personally said a lot of the same things.

 

ThEwAy2, you have been asked repeatedly to stop disrupting the forum by spamming the boards with your Baylissa obsession.

 

BenzoBuddies is a private club, and you agreed to the rules when you signed up – both times, I might add. If you are unhappy with the free services offered here, then you may want to find another benzo support forum more to your liking.

 

I had to insert NINE different disclaimers on your spam — yesterday alone — and on top of it, you were warned repeatedly to take your complaints to the Helpdesk. Yet here you are again, airing your dissatisfaction with BB’s services.

 

Now it all comes to an end.

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Hi Theway2  :smitten:

First of all Thank you very much for posting those statements from Baylissa. I didn't know about her but what I read lifted my spirits so much that I only have words of appreciation. Like Parker's post here in the forum "What is happening in your brain" where she reveals us more of the Physical side aspects of this ordeal,Baylissa's writings closes the cycle with the moral and more spiritual aspect of it.

I noticed you've been questioned about your post but I just want to let you know that It made a big impact on me!

Truly thankful,

Miguel   

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I'm honestly not sure why you are sitting in the ' Naughty Chair but I want to tell you that I find your posts to be sensitive and very helpful to the many poor unfortunates suffering from insomnia .

Baylissa  F. is one of the most respected names in our troubled benzo world . She speaks from her heart and has complete  and personal knowledge of the non-linear pathway that is benzoid recovery.

 

Please stay with us .

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Thanks for the story love the hulk avatar also thanks for replying to my post on the cold turkey forum

 

I am going to see my doctor on Monday and just listen to whatever he says to do instead of thinking I am head strong enough to quit cold turkey the sides were too much for me.

 

Mainly insomnia but today I felt funny in my head all day

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TheWay2, I also don't know why you are in the naughty chair.

Good grief..

Your posts have always been very helpful and sensitive. I will continue to search them out.

 

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